Parting is such sweet sorrow...?

Well I've just about decided to use my wordpress site exclusively from now on. I really like the setup over there, BUT do like some features over here so I MIGHT be back...it'll just depend. At this point, its a pain to update both sites.

SO, without any further ado...if you wish to read my pathetic ramblings, from now on you can do so at Ramblings of a Redneck Woman

I'll miss this site...and I'll miss all the little red dots on my nifty little map...hopefully the map at the new site will fill up soon :)

Minor Update...

Since I apparently have nothing better to do at 4:15 in the morning, I decided to blog a little. I couldn't sleep very well at all Friday night...ended up in the recliner for the night. Even with drugs I slept very little. I managed to fall asleep in the bed Saturday night, but woke up at 1:30 and moved in here to the recliner again.

I'm still extremely sore in all the wrong places, but I did manage to soak in the tub for an hour or so tonight, and I think the heat helped. The main soreness makes NO sense because its a good 6-8 inches above the injection sites, and is on the vertebrae right below my neck. That puppy hurts, let me tell you! I still have a lot of pain when I breathe, but I can take deep breaths now, albeit with difficulty. I have a lot of pain in my left breast area...go figure, I didn't get any needles stuck THERE.

Basically, I really do feel like I'm battling a severe case of pneumonia. I ran fever all day yesterday but none today, so that's an improvement. I have some minor pain and cramping and spasms in my abdomen, but NOTHING like I'd been having, so count that as an improvement! I just pray that the pain doesn't come back any time soon.

I'm having a bit of difficulty walking still. My legs don't seem to want to hold me up. I'm hoping this is just from the general feeling of discomfort though and not that weakness he said could be a side affect. Today (Sunday) is my last day off until Wednesday, so I'm hopeful that I'll be able to work Monday.

And that's about it...nothing exciting, nothing new, just still in pain, but hopeful that hope is near :)

DRUGS

Drugs are the bane of our existence. I have so many around here it isn’t even funny. Most of them are well over a year old, and I got them after all my surgeries last year. I kept them because while I don’t take them often, there are times that I DO need them.

My brother and his wife love drugs. Their preference is pot, but if they can’t get it (which they can’t because my Mom won’t buy it for them or let them have it on her land, which is where they live) they get by on prescription drugs. My brother has a bad back…he really does…but it doesn’t matter because when I gave him all my lortabs (they make me nauseated) he gave them to his wife. She burned her arm really badly about 3 years ago when she worked at Wendy’s, and has been fighting a battle with Workman’s Comp ever since. She has a legitimate suit…the management wouldn’t let her go for medical aid and she has serious, permanent nerve damage and has just about lost the use of her arm.

Why do I mention this? She’s a dopehead. She stays drugged as much as she can. The doctors will give her a month’s worth of phenergen for instance, for nausea, and she’ll have used it all in less than a week. She’s going to kill herself. Mom is having to buy EVERYTHING for them except food…they at least get foodstamps. Neither of them can legitimately work, and SSI is dragging its feet and nothing ever seems to get done.

So anyway, I came home today with a week’s supply of vicadin and phenergen…21 and 20 pills, respectively. I took my second vicadin just now, and Mom (who came down and invited herself to stay the night to “help” me out while I’m in so much pain) told me “Make sure you don’t use too much of that, your brother is expecting me to bring the rest back to him because “she’s” (Linda) hurting really bad and I don’t have the money to buy her anymore medicine.” Excuse me in advance, but WTF??? This is MY medication, *I* paid for it, and I will NOT contribute to my sister in law’s “habit”!!!

I mean the NERVE. Not to mention I would never give her vicadin at all after the lortabs fiasco…I gave them 75 lortabs (I’d had a few prescriptions filled and just laying around) and she went through them in about a week. My mom thinks she’s just in pain…WAKE UP WOMAN SHE’S A DRUGGIE AND YOU’RE CONTRIBUTING TO HER HABIT!!!

Anyway. I’m going to go hide all my pills so I can tell Mom I’m out and she won’t see that I’m lying. Yeah, that’s real Christian of me isn’t it?

The procedure is over...

…and I’m in more pain than I ever imagined. They made me have chest x-rays before they’d let me go home because I kept getting dizzy and black spots because I couldn’t take a breath hardly. Thanks to the vicadin, I can now take a shallow breath without it hurting, but I still feel like I’m suffocating because if I try to take more than a shallow breath, the pain is very very intense. They gave me phenergen and vicadin and I was slurring my words a lot. I’m having to retype this as it is due to the vicadin. This is good stuff by the way…they gave it to me last year but I gave it to my brother for his back because I was afraid to even try it (Yes, I love to watch the show “House” on Fox lol)

Anyway. I can’t even begin to describe the pain, but I started crying in the recovery room because…the pain is ONLY in my back and shoulders. I don’t feel ANYTHING in my abdomen!!!! I’m praying this isn’t a result of the pain in my back blocking out the pain in my abdomen, but ya know…I really feel this worked and I’m soooo incredibly happy. If it did in fact work, and lasts even a few weeks, I will definitely go through this pain in my back again, because it will be WORTH it. I can’t wait for the back pain to go away so I can try out different things and see how I feel (for instance, tying my shoes would be nice…Justin and my kids have been tying my shoes for me for over a year).

Thank you so much for the prayers and positive thoughts, the encouragement…I almost didn’t post about this procedure the other day, and I’m so glad now that I did because I’m tearing up just sitting here thinking about how different things have the potential to be now. I’m praying this works.

One minor note, I do have weakness in my right leg and numbness in my left leg…he thinks this is not going to affect me though…I can’t walk straight right now, but I was very unsteady on my legs for a couple days last time too. Having them wake me up to see if I could move my legs and such was an experience I’d rather forget about (the needles were still in my back and I was moaning pretty loudly because I couldn’t stop). The nurses in recovery also said I was pretty loud compared to my last visit, but they said I was a perfect patient because even through my pain and tears I was apologizing for “inconveniencing” them lol

I’m rambling…I’m going to try to sleep a little more…I can’t lie down in the bed at all so sleeping is a little bit of a challenge as even the recliner is painful. I can’t tell you how happy I feel right now…although I guess that could be a result of xanaflex, phenergen, and vicadin bliss lol

Thanks again everyone

And now for something completely different...

OK not that different since I've done it before, but hey, I like Monty Python, so the quote had to be the title :)

A friend posted a blog thing quiz on my board, and well, it reminded me that I needed to post some since I haven't in a while. SO without any further ado...

You Are 24% California

You're not from California - don't try to game this quiz!

How California Are You?

No huge surprise there...

Your Mood Ring is Orange

Stimulating ideas Daring Full of desires

Mood Ring Generator

yeah...ok...

Your Love Song Is

Yellow by Coldplay "Look at the stars, Look how they shine for you, And everything you do, Yeah they were all yellow" You're so in love, it's like a drug.

What Love Song Are You?

What? By who??

How You Life Your Life

You are honest and direct. You tell it like it is. You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences. You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

How Do You Live Your Life?

OK THAT one was pretty darned accurate lol

And last but not least, I couldn't resist this one...

Snickers

Nutty and gooey - you always satisfy.

What Kind of Candy Are You?

Whoa...too funny...and my favorite candy to boot :)

NOW I'm going to tag Carrie at "Chocolate the Other White Meat" and Lynnae at "From Under the Clutter", so find some fun blogthings girls and get posting :)

Another "surgical" procedure...

...is coming up for me...Friday I'm having the more radical one done on my back...it leaves holes about the size of a small soda straw (the last one did anyway and he said this one would be the same) and my back felt like I'd been hit by a truck for a little over a week).

Last time they used anesthesia on the nerves...neural cortexes I think they were called? They're on each side of my abdomen at any rate, and they go in from my back under x-ray guidance. Well, that didn't work. I had minor (very minor) relief for about 6 days, then the pain returned full-force, as did the cramps and spasms.

So this time they're going to cauterize the nerves with alcohol. Usually they only do this on terminal patients...but its gotten to the point where the gal who NEVER wears makeup, even to work, is now wearing full makeup and still can't hide the shadows under her eyes. I'm not sleeping and I've dropped down to 116 pounds...and of course ALL the weight loss is showing in my face, not my ass...and before ya'll say they're interchangeable...someone else already beat you to the punch LOL. So I have a lot more wrinkles and bags under my eyes, and the left side of my face tics almost constantly (had a TIA in 97 and I get facial tics on the left side ever since when I'm really tired). I'm having a lot of trouble eating and I'm so tired and cranky and...well anyway.

I'm praying the outcome will be at least a noticeable reduction in my pain. There is a risk that since the alcohol won't be selective, I could experience weakness in my legs for several months, up to and including losing the use of my legs as far as walking or standing would go. They've assured me that if this happens, it'll only be temporary. The ONLY reason I'm even going to risk it is because this is a very small chance, and I've got to do something.

The only other thing they can do if this doesn't work is an implant and/or narcotics. The implant isn't guaranteed either...and honestly, I don't think I want a pager-sized hunk of metal in my butt. I'm lumpy enough as it is.

I've really tried not to post too much about this, because you guys don't need to see "Kandy's under the weather...Kandy's depressed...Kandy's crying..." all the time. My doctors still can't believe I'm even working. When my abdomen spasms, you can see a lump stand out on my belly, all the way across, roughly rectangular-shaped (with rounded edges though) that's about 6 inches long by 3-4 inches high. The spasms happen at least a dozen times a day, if not more. They double me over and I can't breathe.

A minor improvement would be spectacular news to me. I'm more nervous than I thought I'd be. I can deal with the post-procedural pain...but having the relief last longer than the post-pain this time would be a nice bonus. I guess I just don't want to be disappointed again.

Why am I in so much pain? Let's see...just in case I never blogged about it before, I'll try to tell it in a nutshell.

I had 80% of my liver removed last year...March 6, 2006 to be exact. The tumor in said liver was the size of a soccer ball and weighed 3.6 pounds. They had to break two ribs to get it out intact. The tumor had been encapsulated by my body, which was a darned good thing since they estimate I'd had it for 12-15 years and it being encapsulated kept it from spreading. I was supposed to be in the hospital for one surgery and 5 days max. I ended up being there for 45 days, and they told my husband and mother to prepare for funeral arrangements. During those 45 days, I was only allowed sustenance (food or liquid "meals") for 3 days. The rest of the time I had "feeding" through IV lines. I had to have new IV's every day, sometimes every 6-12 hours, because my veins kept blowing. To this day drawing a tube of blood from me takes several sticks due to the damage my veins incurred last year. I weighed 172 pounds on March 6, 2006. When I came home from the hospital I weighed 111 pounds. I got back up to around 122 until recently, when the pain and sleep loss started making me drop again.

On top of all that, my liver regrew wrong. The liver doesn't regrow in the shape of a normal liver, as I incorrectly assumed. Mine regrew along the path of least resistance, and then kept going. My internal organs were pushed down and around, up to the right, twisting my diaphragm and causing my right lung to be partially collapsed. I have serious shortness of breath all the time, and if I bend over for too long, I black out. I can't bend over to tie my own shoes, much less take care of my toenails.

How do I keep going? Heck if I know. I try to be as positive as possible...not too easy for a bipolar gal...but I do try. I honestly believe working gives me a purpose, and helps keep me from being TOO depressed. Lately though, I'm getting worse, and I see it, and I hate being this way, I really do. I hate who I am...who I'm becoming...I hate what my life has become. This makes me feel even worse because God blessed me and gave my life back to me last year, when I literally saw a vision of hell the night I almost died in the hospital.

So there's my story, and lest you think its all doom and gloom, I really am grateful to be here. It just gets harder and harder to remembber WHY I'm so grateful when all I can think about is how much pain I'm in, how much sleep I'm NOT getting, and how hard its getting to even get through the day when I'm NOT working, much less when I am.

OK...pity party is over.

I need a vacation

I really do! I was really questioning taking the CSM position before I took it, and I've wondered this past week if God is letting me know I made the wrong decision. Justin doesn't think so, but I'm not so sure.

Today was just...awful. I teared up several times because I was just so MAD. I knew that I'd be working Money Center more than CSM this week. I have no problems with that. The problem I have is the same one...being pulled off learning CSM stuff in order to, for instance, SCRUB GARBAGE CANS. Two other CSM's knew how pissed off I was just from the look on my face, so I'm NOT doing a good job controlling my facial expressions. They couldn't believe I was told to scrub garbage cans. For the record, I never did scrub them...couldn't find a brush and I wasn't going to use my hands.

Then, the cousin of a girl I had a "run-in" with on Monday about a return I approved on Friday told a CSM that I was telling cashiers to straighten up or I was going to fire them. I was told to "watch what you say." I finally had enough and said I was NOT going to watch what I say, because I never said I was going to fire anyone, even in jest. I got so mad over it I was ready to do a complaint against both cashiers (the cousins, that is). I decided to be the bigger person, and I'm just going to ignore it for now. I documented it though, and if the first one disrespects me again, I WILL write her up, and start a paper trail. I'm sick and tired of people saying I've said things that I haven't said.

There is a definite campaign going on to get me in trouble. I know the ringleaders, and I know why. A lot of it is resentment because I got CSM. I believe its the same ones who spread the tale to my old manager that I was going around telling everyone I was going to be the next CSM, when I never said THAT either. That didn't work, so now they're trying this. Management told me to take it in stride, that people are going to continually talk. I get that, I really do...but they (management) need to HELP me in this, by taking any accusation that's proven unfounded and coaching the accuser. If they make a few "gossip examples" maybe it wouldn't be so incredibly rampant. I've never known a workplace to be so full of gossipmongers and to have such an active rumor mill.

I hate griping all the time...but ya know, I'm in so much pain the past couple days, and I'm not sleeping (without taking a xanaflex for the pain anyway) and I'm so...well I just have such a short fuse. This is NOT me. I want to just go back to Money Center, but I get a real sense of enjoyment out of the few CSM duties I've been allowed to perform so far. Saturday night, I KNOW I was a real asset to the company because I stayed late when we had only 1 CSM and I ran my feet off helping her out.

Days like today though...I really do get very frustrated. I pray that after my procedure, I have a better mood and temperament...please Lord, PLEASE let this procedure give me some relief! I'm so tired of being ... well mean all the time...

Just shoot me!

UGH. I'm so tired its not even funny. I've been training for CSM this week, and I can think of more pleasant experiences...such as having teeth pulled. I kid you not, the whole thing has been so unorganized its not even funny. It took WEEKS for them to get their acts together and get the offer out there, and then another week and a half to actually get me in the computer...SO I was borrowing other CSM's numbers just to do my job...when I was allowed to do it.

Take yesterday for instance. I was SUPPOSED to work the book all morning. Instead, the CSM training me had me doing all the tasks that cashiers should have been doing...getting ready for inventory. At one point I was cleaning out from under bookshelves (let me tell you, it was NASTY) while 3 or 4 cashiers stood around flapping their jaws. I didn't do ANYTHING resembling a CSM's job. I ran cash registers all day and cleaned and scrubbed. I learned NOTHING and was very very close to walking out and telling them where they could stick their promotion.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind doing these things that need to be done...I'm humble enough to understand that we all pitch in when we're needed. I had two problems with what happened yesterday:
1. I was supposed to be training, and learned NOTHING new, and am expected to be trained within a week...and had been training since Monday and still knew nothing much at all.
2. There were cashiers standing around goofing off when they could have been doing the busy work that I was doing, and *I* could have been learning.

I feel like I wasn't utilized in the way I could/should have been, and it irritated me to no end. I left work in tears and so pissed off that I'm surprised I kept my mouth shut long enough to leave without quitting.

Today was much better, but everything is sore and I'm tired. I have a tension headache and just want to go to bed for a week. I had fun though, other than the expected run-ins with some of the cashiers who are disgruntled that I'm going to be "over" them now. Oh well. As time goes on, it'll get better.

New blog!

OK so I made a new blog on another site last week, but haven't really had time to play around with it until today (and, my internet connection has been TERRIBLE due to all the bad weather we've had).

I'm not sure which format I'll like better...blogspot or the new wordpress site, so I need feedback on both sites! If you leave a comment here, and feel like it, please leave a comment over there too, and let me know what you think...include your thoughts on the ease/difficulty leaving the comment itself!

The new site is Ramblings of a Redneck Woman. Thanks in advance!!!

I've been tagged!

Yeah, I KNOW I was tagged days ago, but alright already, I've been busy!

So Lynnae...here are mine :)

Four jobs I've held:
1. Helicopter Mechanic in the Army (still my favorite job)
2. Restaurant manager
3. Cashier
4. Tupperware (liked it too)

Four movies I can watch over and over again:
1. Gone With the Wind
2. Phantom of the Opera
3. Secondhand Lions
4. O' Brother Where Art Thou

Four places I have lived:
1. Petal/Hattiesburg, MS (they're neighboring cities)
2. Watertown (area), NY
3. Ft. Bragg, NC
4. Poplarville, MS

Four TV shows I watch:
1. Any of the Law and Order shows
2. Survivor
3. Heroes
4. CSI (original one...don't care for CSI: NY or CSI: Miami)

Four places I've been on vacation:
1. Fantasy Kingdom
2. Epcot
3. Disney-MGM studios
4. Animal Kingdom

OK OK OK...
Four places I've been on vacation:
1. Walt Disney World, Orlando, FL
2. DisneyLand, Anaheim, CA
3. Smokey Mountains
4. Little Rock, AR

Four of my favorite foods:
1. strawberries
2. sweet gherkins
3. sweet potato ANYTHING
4. snow crab legs

Four websites I visit:
1. October 2002 Playgroup
2. PvP Online
3. American Family Radio
4. Looking For Group

I have no one to tag...sad isn't it? LOL I'll think of someone eventually...

Harry Potter (SPOILER ALERT)

So I stood in line Friday night and bought the last book, and I finished it somewhere between 9-11 hours of reading (I'm thinking it was around 9, but I say 10-11 to be on the safe side). It was no LONGER than 11, but I was stopped a LOT during that time to do stuff with the kids, work, etc LOL

Overall, I was pretty disappointed...but I think a lot of that was my own fault for letting myself get really hyped about it.

Some things I liked:
-Dobby's death was sad for me, but the way Harry handled it made me tear up...
-Neville...I love this kid, and I'm REALLY glad he lived!
-Harry's reaction when Ron and Hermione finally kissed...priceless
-Snape living up to my expectations (and desires) for his character's direction
-Percy reuniting with his family, and the way Fred laid it all out for him when he came back...I was laughing SO hard at that
-Mrs. Weasley calling Belatrix a bitch and kicking her ass

Some things I'm still pissed off about:
-Hedwig's death
-Fred's death (I'm still highly peeved about that one)
-the epilogue (but then a friend pointed out that she writes for kids too, so I can now see the "need" for it...but it still irks me lol)
-the way the book seemed to have difficulty "flowing" as well as the previous six did
-the way Harry seems to be a bigger screw up than in any of the previous six books combined. Come on, we get that he's only human, but PLEASE...the book acts as if he's never learned anything at all!

I had a big summary of my thoughts written out, but I can't find it now...sooo all in all, I think this book pretty much falls in line with every other book written to end a series...a lot of tying up loose ends, and maybe trying to please fans a little too much. I didn't like one of the major contradictions in my mind...Snape is redeemed, BUT it never explains why in the sixth book he tried to kill Harry with the Avada Kadavra curse after he'd killed Dumbledore. Now, perhaps he intentionally missed, given what was revealed in the last book, BUT she should have addressed that when she explained all of his other actions. One, two sentences at the most is all it would have taken. Something really small, but it really irritated me.

I don't think its possible to make all of her fans happy obviously, I just wish I was one of the ones who read the book and LOVED it. Oh well. It was worth the $18 at any rate. Jared's reading it now, and I can't wait for his thoughts on the whole thing. More to come :)

I need new feet!

OK so this is a truly gross picture, and my feet do NOT look like this (they're not THAT old yet lol) but man, they sure do FEEL like it!

I got to work fully expecting to spend most of my time in Money Center tonight, and instead I was doing CSM duty for 7 of the 8 hours I worked (at least). Granted, I didn't have my own keys or numbers yet, but I borrowed from other CSM's...and considering I was left alone to run the front end for about an hour (with no warning whatsoever) I think I did fairly well.

I LOVED the fact that I got to walk so much...the time really flew by because I wasn't standing in any one place. My back and abdomen didn't hurt as badly either, I assumed from the constant movement keeping me from stiffening up. About an hour before I got off though, my feet started really burning, and I limped out to my van after my shift. I have two new blisters. What the heck? Its not like I've been sitting on my bum the past 8 months...I stand on my feet the entire day...I guess there's just more friction walking back and forth.

I feel good about how I worked tonight...but the real test will come once I'm truly on my own. So far though, so good. I had little to no supervision or instruction out on the floor, and I feel very confident in my performance.

So...all in all...a good day (I just need new feet!)

CSM

I got it :) I do the paperwork tomorrow, and then start officially training on Monday, but in actuality will start tomorrow most likely here and there. I'm also to continue covering Money Center until my replacement is trained and in place.

Yay! Maybe things are looking up...

A little better?

I guess I'm a little better today. Thanks to those of you who are praying and thinking of me. I'm tired, but there's a glimmer of light at the end of this tunnel. I've decided not to do the implant at this time...and I'm debating the alcohol procedure. One of the risks, if the alcohol goes where they don't want it to, is weakness in the legs and thus, inability to walk or stand. It goes away after a few months, but STILL. Something to think about.

I just feel like I'm spiraling out of control in a downwards direction. I need a vacation...a break. Justin may get to go back to Vegas in September, and if he does, he said he'll be able to take me. It may be just what I...and we...need.

As for CSM...I had my second interview today, and again, it went well. My manager said she'd announce it tomorrow, but when she fixed my schedule for this coming week, she did it with "training shifts" in mind, so that gives me great hope. Still...nothing is definite, and I won't allow myself to get my hopes up too much. I just don't want to go down that road again.

And to be honest...do I even REALLY want it? I like working in Money Center. I think what I'll talk to her about is the possibility of going back to Money Center if I get CSM and don't think its a good fit within a certain amount of time. I doubt they'll do that, but if they would, it'd be nice. I'm very good in Money Center.

Its so hard to get excited about anything at this point...but I *think* CSM would be a smart move for me, even if I have to cut my hours. I may NEED to cut my hours...this added strain of working in constant pain probably has a lot to do with my emotional and mental stability.

Just a bunch of crap

Title says a lot.

Pain sucks. I'm getting more and more depressed and angry at the world, and I find myself isolating myself from family, friends, life. I don't want to be here anymore. At all. I can't remember WHY I should be grateful God worked a miracle in my life. I don't want my husband to touch me. I'm just pissed off in general, and at life especially.

I saw Dr. Jolly today...he wants to do the more radical alcohol procedure...or an implant. I'm not sure how I feel about either. I cried almost the entire trip down, and almost the entire visit, and almost the entire way home, and even while I was walking through Wal-Mart afterwards getting a few things I needed. Everyone was looking at the crazy lady walking down the household cleaners aisle sobbing her heart out.

I hate where I'm at. I'm even having trouble finding any joy in my children. Justin took my hand today and said he loved me...out of the blue, and all I could say in return was "I honestly don't think there's anything about me to love," and pulled my hand away from him. I don't want him to touch me. I don't want my kids to hug me. I hate...me.

Migraine? Or not?

Well fun day at work today...I'm going to go to the doctor tomorrow maybe...I had a TIA (kinda like a mini-stroke) back in 1997...and what happened today somewhat reminded me of that. I've had a migraine for DAYS...today it suddenly got so bad, and my vision "halved"...and I kept trying to throw up. Shortly afterwards the migraine became just an annoying dull throbbing, easily handled...but I was slurring my words, having trouble keeping my eyes open, and had NO equilibrium at all. If another associate hadn't caught me, I would have ended up on the floor. I had to sit down for almost 2 hours. I'm still...well its like I'm drunk...you know how when you're buzzing/drunk, and you turn your head and it takes your vision a second to catch up? Like its slightly behind? That's kinda how I feel.

Guess I'll get off my duff...

and take my baby to the park. She wants to go to the zoo, but I can't drive that far today. I was up until 5 this morning, and she woke me up at 6:30. I don't see how she could be so hyper and full of energy when she was up most of the night! But...she is. She's running in place right now while watching Mike and Sully run from Randall in Monster's Inc. Kids.

I'm so comfy...laying here in the recliner in my nightshirt, a kitten asleep on my knees, playing on the internet...oh well. She wants to play and its not raining yet (its stormed every day for the past couple weeks) so I'm going to go take her to have fun.

Course I gotta shower first...and shave my legs. It'd never do to go out all European with and with spikey hair and racoon eyes (since I was too tired last night to take my makeup off). Course, maybe I could start a new fashion ;)

"Being Poor"

One of the ladies on my board posted a link to a blog post called Being Poor. Its a long list of what "poor" people go through on a daily basis. I wanted to post a big post about it, but it would have started a huge controversy on my board, because there are a few folks who live for nothing more than to point out to everyone why they're racist, bigots, insensitive, etc...nevermind that their own comments while they're pointing this out are pretty damned hurtful too. So I'll post my thoughts here instead.

Growing up I was blessed with parents that would do any job, no matter how menial, when my dad would get laid off a lot. He was an oilfield worker, and his rigs kept getting stacked, until he made crane operator...then even if the rig got stacked, he still had a job. I also had family that helped out (and we always helped them when we were able) so I always had clothes and never knew things were tight.

That blog entry didn't make me cry. Guess I'm the cold-hearted one. Most of the things on that list I was thinking "yep, done that...yup, been there". All it did was make me thankful that while some things on the list STILL apply for me, I'm in a position now where I am able to get a few "luxuries" that I never had the opportunity for before I met Justin.

When I left my first husband, he refused to pay child support in an effort to "win" me back I guess...I'm not really sure why and I was never able to pursue the matter, since I had no money for a lawyer so I could go to court for a separation child support maintenance order. I got WIC and commodities for the kids, went to Salvation Army and Christian Services for their weekly and monthly "grocery boxes", and fed the kids whatever food I could beg or borrow. I myself was a restaurant manager and worked EVERY day so that I could use my one free meal a day to feed myself. All of my money went to bills and the largest chunk to daycare. It cost almost as much for daycare for my kids as I made in a week after taxes. My car, which I was so proud of when I'd bought it (and it only had 5 months and it was paid off) was repo'd and there was nothing I could do about it. I was insanely happy to have starved myself down from a size 12 to a size 4 so that I could wear all the pre-pregnancy clothes I had. My mother had to buy clothes for my kids. Their Christmases were thanks to Angel Tree. I applied for food stamps, I applied for welfare, and was turned down because I was still married (but had been separated for 3 years) and even though he lived in another freaking state, they wouldn't help me. The lady said it was because I was the wrong race. I didn't believe that for a long time until I saw some of my employees who I KNEW were on welfare driving brand new cars...and heard them bragging about their $800 A MONTH in food stamps. I went to Legal Aid for assistance in getting my divorce (I couldn't afford a lawyer) and THEY wouldn't help me for the same reasons (my household income was too high, even though my spouse didn't LIVE in my household so his salary should NOT have been a consideration). At the time, I was making $250-275 a week before taxes and receiving no child support. The ONLY aid I had was $398 a month in SSI payments Jared got for his epilepsy, and that stopped after 2 years because I was honest about it when he stopped having seizures.

I never want to go back there, and pray I never have to. I feel for those who still live there, but I can't shed tears for them. I did enough crying for myself.

What's wrong with our country when we spend millions to feed people overseas, and our own citizens are starving themselves? Makes no sense to me and never will. And THAT'S another debate.

MEN...

...the picture should say it all.

Justin's mom has been canning figs the last couple of days. Justin has been helping to pick them, and bought her some sugar and jars so that she'd put up a dozen pints for him. Not us, but him. I asked him to be picking some this weekend, and when I'm off Tuesday I'll try my hand at canning for the first time in my life. No response, other than "Mom would love for you to go up to her kitchen and do it, that way she could help you." Since WHEN have I ever needed help with a freaking recipe? I'm no gourmet cook, but I've almost NEVER had a recipe turn out badly. I have a knack. I just don't particularly care to cook lol.

Here's where the ass part comes in. Last night, he was hinting that he really wants biscuits with his figs (he brought home the dozen pints of figs last night). I was teasing him and saying I was setting my alarm for 9:30. I have to go to work at noon today, so no church for me. In reality I set my alarm for 7:00 so I could get up, tired as I am, and make him some danged biscuits. 7:00 comes and I get up, and...no Justin. Anywhere. I think maybe he ran up the road for something and thankfully I wait around. I do get out the bowl and start hunting up my pastry cutter, after doing my morning stuff in the bathroom. Bekah was being cute and sweet so I stopped to play with her. Finally, at 7:30, I call him. He's on his way back from Hardee's! He went to Hardee's and bought plain biscuits. ARGHHH. So I'm thinking, either I have to get breakfast still for Bekah and me, or just for me.

Yep. He ONLY bought food for himself and Bekah. What an ASS!!! I don't care if he was mad at me (unjustified by the way...this time anyway lol), he could STILL have bought me a sausage biscuit or something.

Yeah, I'm not amused at all.

Is it my own fault?

What a thing to worry about. I finally cornered my manager last night and asked her about CSM, and she said she hadn't made up her mind yet because of something that had happened. Someone (apparently a lot of someones) has been going to her and telling her that *I* said I was going to be the next CSM. I told her what I thought the problem was, and she said that she was still going to interview me again (you interview each time a position opens) but I'm not so sure of the outcome anymore.

Here's where I think I messed up. I trusted 2 CSM's enough to tell them how well I thought my interview had gone when they asked me. I'm pretty sure another CSM overheard me, and I *kinda* trust him too, so didn't worry too much about it, but at the same time he's very tight with my manager, so I'm pretty sure this information may have been misconstrued by him and taken to her. Regardless...I did say I was really confident...and when I talked to her about the CSM position when she changed my schedule for my surgery, I asked her if I "was still..." and she interrupted and said Yes. Now, she was preoccupied, and possibly, very likely, wasn't thinking what *I* was thinking, which was "am I still your choice". I told the CSM's I trusted about this.

Also, another cashier was spreading to EVERYONE that she had a really reliable source, who'd never been wrong, tell her that they'd heard from my manager that I was the next CSM. I walked in the day after the interview, and everyone was congratulating me. It was surreal. I found out they'd all been told by the same cashier, and I went to her. She and I get along, and I was very honest with her and told her I'd had what *I* felt was a great interview, but that nothing had been offered OR accepted, and that while I felt like I had a really good shot at the next position, I also was realistic and knew that someone with more experience could come in at any time and I'd be out the door. When people kept asking me about it, it became somewhat of a running joke, and I was possibly a little too glib or flip or casual in my responses. If you hear something, and then the person you go to and ask isn't categorically denying it...well I could see where that could be interpreted the wrong way. It doesn't mean I like it.

In fact I'm pissed as hell that my comments were taken out of context and presented in a way that I never intended. I can honestly, may God strike me down, say that I NEVER said what my manager told me they were saying I said, but I did allude to it in that I never firmly said "NO, I'm NOT going to be the next CSM."

I'm not sure what to do. I don't think she completely believed me (my word against several) but she indicated I still have a shot at CSM. I've watched my back there...I've been a DARNED hard worker, and I'll toot my own horn and say I've been one of their best, because I have. I have an empathy with the customers that very few of the associates have. I do believe I'm an asset to the company.

I also think this whole misunderstanding is my fault because I was a little careless, and people probably overheard SOME things and filled in the blanks of what they didn't quite hear. I'll definitely be more careful in the future, and they'll then think I'm being bitchy because I'm not talking about ANYTHING LOL. Oh well, you can't win them all.

Yeah, I'm still pissed off about this.

My Country Tis of Thee...

Happy Independence Day America! I love my country...if the National Anthem is playing, I'm standing, saluting, and singing along (even if it is just to myself). I've always been extremely patriotic, and I'm one of those saps that gets all teary-eyed when I see the wind catch the Flag and flutter it out, especially if the National Anthem happens to be playing at the time.

We're a nation that has many liberties and many blessings...I pray for many more for many years to come.

Not that anyone cares...

but yeah, I'm having a crappy week. Hey its only Tuesday...great I have 4 more glorious days to look forward to.

Lets see. Jared is swinging again. We've gotten him back on the Prozac (the doctor said we could wean him off back in May, and he's had a couple episodes, but nothing major). However, the past week I've seen the signs, and a couple nights ago, he came in at 11pm as I was heading out to bed, and we ended up talking until midnight. He's wanting to hurt himself again. He went to the bathroom and I went and woke Justin up and together we talked to him until 1:30 in the morning. He seemed to be better yesterday, but is still down. We started his Prozac back yesterday, so hopefully he'll be feeling better soon. I can't watch him though because he left to go to his dad's for 2 weeks last night. And I didn't get to say goodbye because I got home from work less than 10 min after their dad left with them.

My procedure most definitely did NOT work. There's a slight lessoning of the pain but nothing to write home about. I'm really disappointed and depressed over it. I tried NOT to put too many hopes on this for this exact reason. So now what? They won't do the more radical procedure on me...I won't allow it even if they would. My internal anatomy is NOT the normal anatomy, and I just think it carries too many risks for me personally.

I don't think I'm going to get CSM at work either. I know I was told that I was the leading choice, but that WAS 3 weeks or so ago, and I just feel very negatively about it now. Granted, I'm depressed and paranoid, but I just don't have a warm, fuzzy feeling about it. Its ok, I'll stay in Money Center...I like it there. What I don't like is getting screwed lately on all the closing shifts. The last 3 weeks running, I've been scheduled 3 closing shifts, in relation to everyone else getting 1-2 closing shifts. OK if someone has to have 3, FINE, but rotate it. When I said something, one of the ladies snapped that I didn't close at all the first month, and not to complain now. Um, I didn't close the first month because that wasn't my availability...I opened up my availability and started closing twice a week. However lately, its been 3 times. I'm going to give it until Ana comes back from vacation, and then if I'm still getting the shaft, I'm going to approach my manager and say something. I don't want to cause trouble, but closing, then opening, then closing, then opening, and closing most weekends, is hard on me. I drive farther than anyone else, almost an hour one way, and while its not TOO bad (I get home by 10:30) I do have to get up at 4:30 to be back for 6:30, so that just makes me feel like I'm living at Wal-Mart. I'll figure it out. I'm probably just being crabby anyway.

I don't like feeling this way. I didn't want to blog today..haven't wanted to for a long time. I need to though...I don't want to let it slip, like so many other things in my life. Of course, typing with a kitten who INSISTS on sleeping on my belly, curled up in the crook of one arm, does make things a little difficult (I'm in the recliner on my laptop), but hey, I'll manage. She's too cute to move when she's all sweet and purring and snoring. She even has a little paw tucked up around her ears, just like a kid when they sleep. OK Kiki is good for me, she's making me smile. So even though none of my kids are here for the next couple weeks, I'll survive. Life isn't bad.

UGH

The title says it all. The procedure was not a rousing success, certainly not what I'd hoped. I'm still in a lot of pain abdominally, and now I can add back pain to the list. I also woke up with a migraine this morning...I think because once I get comfortable, I don't move again until I wake up due to the back and abdominal pain...and I think I slept wrong and got my neck out of whack. I'd go to the chiropractor, but well, I wouldn't be able to stand her touching my back. I'm screwed I guess.

Maybe it will gradually improve (the abdominal pain). My impression was that it would pretty much be instantaneous. I could be wrong.

On another note, I've been off work since Monday night. Tuesday was my scheduled day off, and I had Wednesday, yesterday, and today off due to this procedure. I'm supposed to go in and open tomorrow. I will definitely go in, but may have to sit down a lot, and they can kiss it if they say anything. When I'm there, I'm ALWAYS cleaning something, staying busy, doing whatever needs doing. I have a legitimate excuse to sit on my ass this time, and by golly they better not give me grief.

I am worried about work anyway...CSM was supposed to be announced this week, and I've been off since it closed. I hope I haven't shot myself in the foot. If I have, oh well, it really couldn't be helped, now could it? My manager told me to my face last week when we were fixing my schedule for this week that I was still her choice. So we shall see what we shall see.

Well its over...

the "surgery" that is. They used large needles (can't remember if I explained this or not) to anesthetize the nerves in the neural clusters on each side of my abdomen. Dr. Jolly isn't sure if it will help my spasms at all, although he's hopeful. The procedure itself went very quickly...about 30 minutes. I remember going into the procedure room, and I vaguely remember getting up on the table and laying down. Then la la land took over. When I woke up, and was aware that I was awake, Justin was next to my bed in the recovery room and was just so sweet and attentive. I think I'll keep him.

I'm wiped out...between not sleeping a wink last night (I got up and showered at 2:30 because I was still wide awake, and then played WoW until time for us to leave) and the drugs, I have no energy. He said if the block worked, I'll have diarrhea for a day or two, and will also have some low blood pressure issues. I'm very unsteady on my feet, but I'm ok.

So far I can't really tell a difference in my abdomen, but my back is KILLING me. It feels like I pulled several muscles, or someone punched me on each side of my spine. I'm sure by tomorrow that will be better.

So anyway, here's hoping and praying :)

The pool...is cool...

yeah yeah I'm corny. Seriously though, the pool rocks :) ALL day I've wanted to go out and jump in, but Justin did all the work, and I didn't want to get in without him first. He walked through the door at 4:45 and said "What, you're not in the pool?" So we changed and out we went.

Its really nice, a lot bigger than we thought it'd be, and came with an included volleyball game. The net mounts on poles on each side, and the kids are going to LOVE it. They have NO IDEA that we got a pool, much less got it put up. Justin built a 19' square frame and filled it with sand, making sure it was levelled, and the whole set-up is just really nice.

And yes, we ended up skinny dipping in broad daylight. I was stunned that Justin was so risque, but hey, I rolled with it ;-)

Good Old Country Living...

Once again our phone line is having trouble. I can't connect faster than 24k, which means I can't play WoW. I just called the phone company, and sure enough, there's still trouble on the line. Every time lightning gets our line, they come out and fix it, and we have to call them back a day or two (or more) later and say "Guess what, its still not working properly." So now they say it'll be Thursday at the latest before its fixed. Joy.

I CAN play on the satellite, but its very laggy and difficult to do. I wanted to get Shelyna to level 52 dangit LOL. Oh well. I'll live. I suppose I could take my laptop with me in the morning and play at Ochsner on their free hi-speed wireless while I wait for my "surgery." We'll see what happens.

I would literally kill for DSL.

If you died right now...

would you got to Heaven or to Hell?

I'm reading "Left Behind" for the first time. I'm only 12 years behind the times there. Still, I'm about halfway through it and its very difficult to put it down. It reads a lot like John Grisham.

It scares the crap out of me.

God blessed me last year. He saved my life and gave me...not a second chance...but my umpteenth chance. I really started trying to turn my life around. I love God, I've accepted Jesus as my personal savior...I believe he was born of a virgin, walked in sinless perfection for 33 years on this earth, was persecuted and executed, and laid to rest in a tomb, only to rise from the dead in 3 days. I know that he died for our sins, and I've accepted this.

If the Rapture happened tomorrow...would I be taken? Or would I be left behind? I don't want to be left behind...but I'm not secure in my faith.

Please pray for me.

WOULD IT KILL HIM....

to kiss me once in a while??? To REALLY kiss me?? Sheesh.

I come home from work tonight, bone weary and very sore from many, MANY severe muscle spasms in my abdomen this evening. Justin was waiting up for me, or trying to (he passed out in the recliner). I went into the bedroom to change, and he came in and hugged me...REALLY hugged me. It was wonderful. He held me for several minutes, or so it felt...then pulled away, and pecked me on the lips, and walked away.

Um. Dude. A wonderful, incredibly comforting and romantic hug like that, and you end it with a PECK ON THE LIPS???? I'm not saying go tonsil-diving or anything, but COME ON. A lingering kiss isn't asking too much, is it?

We never kiss anymore, and it breaks my heart. A peck on the lips isn't kissing, its an absent-minded swipe at affection that may or may not still be going strong. Its what old married couples do, especially when they've had a few loveless years lately. I don't want to put my marriage into that category.

Would it kill him to sweep me off my feet once in a while? Probably no more than it'd kill me to get up early and cook breakfast for him again like I used to before going back to work. Dangit. I had to go and think rationally, didn't I? *sigh*

Could be better...could be worse...

I don't know...I just haven't felt like keeping up with this lately. I'm so tired...hurting so much...and I honestly feel like I'm having a lot of trouble "keeping it all together."

Someone at work complained to management about something I supposedly did...and I didn't do it, but I kinda did...that doesn't make sense does it? Its against policy to make scheduling changes/arrangements with other associates off the clock...someone came in, we were talking, I mentioned I was having this procedure done next week and was worried about who would work my shifts, she said she was coming back, and I jokingly said "Oh well then you can cover it!" and she laughed and said sure, as soon as she came back she'd see what she could do. That was it. It turned into a story that I called her...and I don't even have her phone number!

My chest hurts so badly...its all from the abdominal troubles...please God, please let this procedure give me some relief. I'm afraid to get my hopes up about it.

I don't know now what's going to happen with CSM...it seems like the past two days I'm being complained about a lot. I know I aggravate some folks...I get manic and talk too much. I try so hard to help, that I end up irritating rather than assisting. I get that. I try to control it, but its getting harder.

Oh well. Screw it. I'll just keep on keeping on, and try to hold it all together. I think I know where some of my meds are...I think I may not be completely out after all. It'll take a couple weeks to start seeing any benefits, but at least it'd be a start.

Drugs? Anyone?

Soooo I'm thinking its beyond time to get back on some medication. I'm doing ok right now...but barely. How do I say this? I'm getting paranoid...beyond belief. I'm imagining things right and left, thinking people are talking/thinking about me...I see/hear/visualize events and conversations, and to be quite honest, I'm not sure if some of them are delusions or if they're real. I just don't know. I don't know what's coming out of my mouth half of the time. I'm not sure of some of the things I've said at work yesterday and today. Have I made sense? Have I sounded like a raving lunatic?

What's wrong with me? Oh yeah, I'm bipolar...and apparently suffering delusions of grandeur. I NEED to be funny. I NEED to be witty. I NEED to be amusing. I NEED to be...wanted.

Father's Day

What a time. We were really worried that Justin's dad was hurt badly yesterday, but it appears that he'll be ok. He's 70, and its so hard to remember that...the man seems immortal. I'd walk through fire for him...he's probably the best man I've ever had the pleasure to know.

I wanted to go see my dad this weekend...but it doesn't look as if that's going to happen. I needed Justin to go with me, and he won't. Its HIS Father's Day too after all, and he doesn't want to go to AR and spend time in a federal prison. I understand...but I haven't seen my dad in 2 years. As soon as he gets back from mowing the church yard, I may go anyway. I specifically got the weekend off so I COULD go and I need to. I miss my daddy...I almost died last year, and he almost died a few weeks ago, and I NEED to see him.

What makes a good father? Is it someone who does everything right? My father in law is that way. Even if he did do something wrong, you'd never know it because he's such...well such a great guy. Is it someone who makes lots of mistakes but is there for you anyway? Sure.

My dad was not a great father...but he's the only one I ever had. Sure I had two stepdads, but not until I was an adult. My dad...he's had his problems...but I was a daddy's girl all the way. Mom shielded me a lot from his more emotional problems...in a way, that was worse, because when I grew up, and he'd react a certain way, it was a complete shock to me...a very rude awakening. Still, after his troubles the past few years, he and I grew a lot closer. He finally realized what it meant when I said I was bipolar...when I told him I was depressed...when I told him I felt like I was going crazy and just wanted to be normal. You see, my problems come through him and his mother...but he was always in denial about himself. I remember the day in 2005 when we were talking on the phone, and he was suicidal...and I just opened up and told him exactly how I'd felt all of my adult life. We talked for four hours, and he cried a lot. He felt guilty that he'd underestimated me...disparaged me...because what I was describing made him realize that I was the one person in his family who could 100% understand what he was going through, and he never gave me the credit or the opportunity. Its so sad that just when we were "finding" each other...we were separated.

Justin is a wonderful father. I almost missed him. I remember sitting in my office at work, depressed because I was coming out of a bad relationship...the only real one I'd had since separating from and divorcing my first husband...and I prayed that God would send me a good man who loved Him, who would love my children as if they were his own...would go to church with me...and I kid you not, Justin walked through the door VERY shortly afterwards. He worked in our Jackson office, and I worked in our Hattiesburg office. We talked a little while he worked on my boss's computer, and he promptly asked me to lunch. I wasn't sure if I was expected to pay or not...and I had no money. My lunch was tuna and crackers that day. So I declined. He came in the next day and asked me to lunch again...and again I declined. While he was working on the computers, he'd send me an IM to "test" them, so I had his screenname and he had mine.

A month later, I saw him online, and felt a nudge to IM him. A whirlwind followed...we IM'd the rest of the day at work, and towards the end of the day, he talked me into giving him my home number. We talked late into the night. The next day, we talked all day on IM, and all NIGHT. I kid you not, until 4:30 or 5:00 the next morning. We were both dragging at work. That was a Wednesday. Thursday he was heading to Poplarville to spend the night with his folks and then drive to a conference with Quixtar in Houston with his mom and sister. We made arrangements to meet at the Hattiesburg mall for supper, and spent about 3 hours together. He tried to kiss me a couple times as he was leaving and I kept ducking my head. All the poor boy got was a hug!

The following week was our first official date...it was the last Thursday in March, 2000. We had dinner, and drove around a lot...he took me to Poplarville to his family farm, and wanted me to meet his parents but they weren't home. We had so much fun, and I finally let him kiss me as I was getting ready to get back in my car and go home. To say the earth moved would be an understatement. I came home very confused and with more questions than answers.

Jared's 6th birthday was the following week, and I let him meet Justin. I was very protective of who got to meet my kids. It was love at first sight. Jared IMMEDIATELY wanted to ride in Justin's truck and did NOT want me to go with them. He had so much fun at Justin's family's farm, and all in all was a great day. It was that week at some point that I knew I was in love with Justin. My friend John and I talked about it a lot. I'd "fallen in love" with and married my first husband in a week...I didn't want to think I was making the same mistake again. John was instrumental in convincing me to tell Justin how I felt.

The following weekend was Easter, and my ex had the kids. Justin and I spent the weekend in Jackson, and I told him Friday night that I loved him. He was stunned and I felt like...well like I'd messed up. The next day we went to the Vicksburg National Park...Civil War site...and had so much fun. We explored all day, and he let it slip that he loved me too. It took him completely by surprise when he said it, but he never looked back from that point. That day is one of the best I have memories of...being in love and not being pressured about anything...it was just wonderful. We'd been dating a day past 2 weeks.

The following weekend...3 weeks into our relationship, he took me to the coast, to dinner at Red Lobster. We were dressed up, because we were supposed to be going to a Quixtar meeting, but we ran late so decided to have dinner and then walk on the beach instead. He got down on one knee on the beach, pulled a box out of his pocket, and proposed to me, in the moonlight, with my beloved ocean in the background.

It all moved so fast...we were married 4 months later, and while we've had a couple rough spots in our marriage...August will make 7 years, and I've never looked back. God blessed us with Bekah...a miracle if ever there was one. Justin wasn't supposed to be able to have children...and Bekah herself was a twin. We lost the twin around 7-8 weeks gestation, and I went on complete bed rest so I wouldn't lose her too. They were fraternal thankfully. We get mad at each other...and sometimes yell during our fights. We don't go to bed mad, and I honestly believe I'll be married to him until one or both of us dies. We're such complete opposites...and yet I love him more every day that goes by.

How did this Father's Day turn into a walk down memory lane with Justin? Not sure. All I know is that God does answer our prayers...sometimes we miss it, sometimes we're lucky enough to catch it by the skin of our teeth. Justin is a strict man, but he's also a loving and generous man...and never considers himself to be a father of 1. He always talks about "my kids"...not "my stepkids." He loves them as much as he loves Bekah...or if he doesn't quite, you'd never know it by his actions and words. Its really hard on him to share them with my ex-husband, because he feels like they're his children...but he's gracious about it and my kids...all 3 of them...know that if they ever need anything...he's here for them.

Last of all...this Father's Day, we need to remember our Heavenly Father...without whom NOTHING would be possible. I myself forget to be as grateful as I should be...to give thanks as often as I should. I'll be making more of an effort to do so...take more time to pray and read the Bible than I've been doing. God has been so generous with me, and I've been less than the perfect daughter. Its time I worked on that a lot more than I've been doing lately.

Happy Father's Day!

Found Dr. Jolly...

and he was pretty cool...he last worked at MD Anderson so he's very very familiar with cancer patients, and considers me one even though *I* don't consider myself one. I just feel like I had it so much easier than most...but I digress.

He gave me a script for a new muscle relaxer to try...he was going to prescribe some more pain killers too but I told him I still had plenty left over and didn't want any more in my house until those are gone. I have kids, including a pre-teen and new teen who I don't want to be tempted, no matter how well we're trying to raise them. And honestly, who needs more pain pills when they already have Vicadin, Dilaudid, Morphine, Percoset, Darvocet, Lortab, Talacen, and something else I'm forgetting at the moment. Almost all the bottles are full too, except the Talacen and the Darvocet...those work fairly well so I've used them more than the others...but still, they're over a year old and I haven't used them all yet, nowhere close, so I don't need any more.

They scheduled me for outpatient "surgery" on the 27th...I don't have the name of the procedure in front of me, but he's had some success with it...he'll go in with big-ass needles on each side of my spine and go to the nerve clusters and anesthetize them. There's a more radical way, to use alcohol to burn the nerves, but he said the alcohol isn't selective and could cause other damage, and since I'm in remission, he wants to try the other way first. This is the first step.

The muscle spasms concern him because its something he's never personally seen in the abdomen...and thank you Lord, but one happened while I was there...I yanked my shirt up (after doubling over) and said "LOOK" and he could see my whole abdomen hardening and spasming while I sat there wriggling around and crying. So, there's definite proof that I'm not overreacting and exaggerating. They also checked my blood pressure after it happened and it'd gone through the roof. He said he'll have to do some more research on the spasms, and options we can try.

So...I did feel encouraged...I'm impressed with his medical background, and I liked HIM, as did Justin. Justin also tried to get him to say I couldn't work anymore, and the doctor said just reading the post-operative reports in the system on me and looking at my CT scans and reports, he would be willing to do so, but that he didn't think I wanted that...and I don't. SSI would be nice, but I do NOT want to be...disabled. I feel like I'm probably in more pain because I AM so active with work and all, but I also feel like I'm stronger now than I would be if I were sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. And I WOULD feel sorry for myself if I were here day after day.

Anyway...sorry to ramble. I took one of the new pills just to see how its going to affect me...something called zanaflex. He wants me to take it 3 times a day if it doesn't prevent me from driving or working, but until I see if its going to make me groggy or not (all the labels say it will) I don't want to risk it.

Yes, I'm afraid to take pain pills. That's another story in and of itself. I will take them if I have to, but I hate doing it.

Paging Dr. Jolly!

So tomorrow is my much-anticipated appointment with the pain specialist at Ochsner. His name totally cracks me up! This is the guy who's going to hopefully be able to do something with my pain, maybe give me more pain pills (that I don't want or need since I still have so many), and he's named Dr. Jolly. Hee hee. It still makes me smile.

Please pray that this will give me some relief. I need to start sleeping soon. I'm not a nice person at all lately. Work is taking every drop of niceness left in my body, and its getting harder and harder to smile throughout the day at work.

So yeah, I have high hopes for Dr. Jolly, but am trying not to anticipate it TOO much, for fear that I'll just be disappointed yet again. We'll see what we shall see.

Electrifying Experience--Part 2

Yep, it happened again. A couple tried to steal a TV from Wal-Mart today. The woman tried to escape through the TLE department with it, where her male cohort was circling the parking lot in a van. When pursued, she tried to jump through the window of the van, but was tazered in the process, causing her to eat pavement. The guy decides to try to escape past the police car that was blocking the entrance into the side-lot where TLE is, and instead crumpled the front of his van and the side panel of the police car.

I can't wait for this to hit the news...it was a funny day. When will people learn? I mean honestly, is it REALLY worth the risk??

Audubon Zoo

On Memorial Day, Justin took the kids and me to The Audubon Zoo. We had a lot of fun and I got to try out my new digital camera. However, the pictures were so many, and so large, that I never could get them uploaded on our dialup connection. But...we got WildBlue satellite internet Friday...and while I can't play WoW on it (bummer, cause we're probably going to cancel the house phone) our speeds are SO much better.

So I uploaded most of the decent pics here. Well these are of the family. I'll make another sub-album for the animals...and another for the flora and fauna pics I took. I took WAY too many of those...but I just had to try out my new camera right? Some of the pictures could definitely be better, because I didn't figure out the auto-focus feature until we were about halfway through the zoo *blush*.

But hey, we had fun, right? Here are a couple of my favorite pics of the family:

CSM Interview

I was interviewed today for CSM (Customer Service Manager). It went really well, and I should hopefully be a CSM within a month at the longest. Dara was a CSM at the old store, so she has seniority over me...but they'll be hiring a total of 3 CSMs, so its all good.

The problem is that its strictly a part-time position. I can't afford to drop below 30 hours a week...and if I'm going to work 5 days, and have less hours each of those days, I'll be spending the same amount of money on gas for what amounts to a pay-cut, not a pay-raise. However, if I can get all my time in on 4 days, then it won't be so bad. Hopefully it'll turn into full-time even though they say right now that there will be no more full-time CSM positions.

We'll see what we'll see...

Wild Blue

Well Justin got us hooked up with Wild Blue today. The good news...I can go anywhere in the house and outside with my laptop and have a fast internet connection. The bad news...WoW doesn't play well on it at ALL, despite the assurances of the sales rep that his son played on it better than on dialup. NOPE. Still, Justin needs the faster connection for work, and if we can't have this AND Bellsouth, its bye bye dialup and limited WoW playing for me. I'll be unhappy, but I'll live :)

About Justin's work...they finally got the server problem fixed Monday and he's sleeping better now. WHEW.

Movie Review - The Last Unicorn DVD release

I saw this movie in theaters back in 1982 or so, whenever it was released. I remember it was the early 80's, because I met my best friend Phyllis in 3rd period English class on the 1st day of school in 7th grade, and that was in 1981. We saw the movie together. We loved it...it was very strange compared to other animated features we'd seen at the time, but we loved it nonetheless.

Until the DVD release, I was unaware it was based on an actual book. I'm definitely going to be getting a copy of the book to read.

Regardless, the DVD release itself was extremely disappointing to me. The movie is ONLY available in full-screen, not a wide-screen format, which I much prefer, and which the movie deserves. The quality of the images themselves doesn't seem to be as sharp as my VHS version was (it bit the dust in my house fire in 1999). The menu is pathetic, and the special features aren't really very special at all, although I enjoyed the commentary from author Peter S. Beagle VERY much.

Now. The movie itself...I don't recommend it for the average small child...I was concerned about Bekah watching it at 4 1/2, but I'd forgotten some of the elements when I bought it, and let her watch it. She enjoyed it and loves watching it repeatedly, but some of the themes can be disturbing for a small child.

The movie is a little disjointed...the dialogue is rapid and includes a LOT of run-on sentences, or so it appears due to the quickness. This causes a feeling of being rushed, as if they were trying to cram too much into too little space, and perhaps time was an issue when the movie was first made. It doesn't ruin the movie, if anything it makes it somewhat unique...but it does irritate me a little. However, all three of my kids love it, and its a great work of literature, and now the older two are wanting to read the book also, so hey, that's something!

The story line itself is very strong, and I love the understory with Molly and Schmendrick. You're left wondering what will happen to Prince Lir, and how Molly and Schmendrick's lives will turn out.

If you've never seen this movie, I highly recommend it, but don't expect Disney quality animation. The animation is very simplified, which in turn gives you more of a chance to focus on the excellent storyline. The soundtrack is performed by America...VERY nice.

If you have small kids, you may wish to watch the movie first without them, but depending on the level your child can handle, it may end up becoming a new family favorite (or an old favorite in my case).

Reverse Discrimination

Living in the south, I've often witnessed this, but never in a REAL personal way. Sure, I've been called names, accused of being a racist, various other things, usually by black people. But today topped the cake.

I was treated very nastily today. I was taken aback, because I've never done anything TO this person, never talked bad about them, I've often said hello to them, and was confused because I was glared at or outright ignored. The whole situation has been strange, but because I rarely work with this person, I rarely thought a whole lot about it, and just chalked it up to them having a bad day.

Today, after a couple nasty incidents that rubbed me the wrong way, it got even worse, and I finally confronted said person. "What have I done to piss you off?"..."Nothing."..."Then why are you so nasty to me?"..."Because you're white."..."Excuse me??"..."Because you're white and you think everything should be for you."..."I do???"..."All whites do. All ya'll do is keep us down...look at what happened after The Storm...white America only cares about white America." My response...after a moment of slack-jawed shock? "I'm so sorry for you. Nothing I can say can remove your hatred, and you must be very unhappy." I walked away to the tune of "White bitch" ringing in my ears.

Should I report it? Probably. Will I? No. What purpose would it serve? I'm going to TRY to put it behind me, not an easy thing to do considering how empathetic and paranoid I am, but I'm going to try my best. I've done nothing wrong...I'd say 98% of the blacks in our store like me (that know me). I have a history of racism in my family in the worst way, and maybe if I'm guilty of anything, its trying too hard NOT to be a racist. Does that in turn make me a racist? Maybe...its something I'll have to think about in depth.

He's coming around...

The cat is still inside for now. I've been keeping her in the utility room at night and whenever I'm gone, but I've been taking her out when I'm here and letting her play with me in the recliner. Justin shoots mean looks at her now and then, but he hasn't said anything else...yet. Today he was needing to get clothes out of the dryer and asked if he "could let the cat out" so that's progress.

Oh she has a name now. Bekah heard me calling her..."Here Kittykittykitty" and she tried to call her..."Here kikikikiki"...I asked her if she was trying to say "kitty" and she said yes, and said "kitty"...but then I asked if she wanted to call her Kiki and she got ALL excited. So Kiki it is. It suits her little personality too.

We've discovered a "tickle spot". If she's laying on her left side, and you scratch just behind her right ear, JUST so...she kicks her right hind paw and its soooo funny. I've had dogs do that, but never a cat.

So far we've had no accidents, but then, I've left her in her room with the litter box when she's not under constant observation. I figure to lock her up another couple weeks, and then start letting her roam free little by little. There can be NO accidents anywhere in the house, or Justin will go ballistic.

This is the prettiest cat I've ever had. I'm not thrilled that she looks like she's going to have long fur, but oh well. I'll just have to keep her well-brushed.

On to something else...Justin. I'm worried about him. They had server trouble this week while trying to implement a change, and he had to work late Tuesday I think it was...so he figured he'd only have to work a couple hours Friday. Friday they tried the server change again, and it crashed the entire network. So he didn't get home until after 10 Friday night, and was back yesterday until 8 or 9 last night. He's planning on going back this afternoon. He's not sleeping well at all the last couple nights, and he looks terrible. Well, not terrible as in ugly, but terrible around his eyes. He has an exhausted look about him. I've discovered that I've really missed him the past couple nights. I've been counting on him to be here for me at night, and I hadn't realized just how much I've come to rely on him. Just knowing he's here in the house or out in the yard gives me comfort. When he's not around, I'm actually jumpy. I haven't figured that one out yet. Quite possibly it has something to do with almost dying last year and coming to grips with different things, but I'm not sure. Then too it could just be the bipolar rearing its ugly head. I really should be back on my meds.

Anyway. Enough for now. I didn't get on WoW at all yesterday and I'm feeling the need to quest.

Yep, he was mad!

The subject says it all. It did NOT go well. Actually, I guess it did go ok. He's mad that I went behind his back, but I got tired of begging. Its my house too, and dangit, I'm NOT like I was last year before my surgeries, and he knows that. I deserve another chance...shoot screw the other chance...he threw my kitten outside when he thought I was not going to come home from the hospital. If you want to get technical, he owes me another cat.

However, I don't like thinking that way anymore. The past is past. I need a cat. I'm a cat lover, and I've ALWAYS had a cat to help comfort me. There are times when I can't talk to anyone, and my cats have always understand. Alright, I know they didn't UNDERSTAND...but they comforted me regardless.

So...it didn't go great...but it sure as heck could have went a lot worse...I told him as soon as she's used to us I'll put her outside, but I'm hoping I can talk him around to letting her stay inside as long as I keep her litter box and feeding areas clean. I can hope, right?

Newest Addition to our Family

We haven't picked a name yet...in fact I put up a poll on my board because there is a fierce debate raging between the kids and me right now. Justin doesn't know that we have her...in fact our last conversation was not too positive...but I'm hoping I can work him around. If worst comes to to worst, she can go outside once she's used to us...but I really don't want to lose another animal to the road...so hopefully I can convince him, AND live up to my end of the bargain.

So anyway, I'll update as soon as a name is chosen!!!

Just Gotta Vent

OK, so I haven't posted since Thursday, and now all I'm going to do is vent. No, I don't like to post about bad things all the time, but I'm so tired, and so frustrated.

Work was just awful last week. Well, nothing really *that* bad...but I wasn't feeling 100% by any means, and my attitude suffered for it. On Thursday, all hell broke loose in the Money Center (I may have posted about it, not sure)...and it was very stressful and while I handled it at the time, I was PISSED at the way management completely abandoned me to it. Sure I handled it ok, but that's not the point. They walked away and refused to even try to help.

Friday I got fussed at in front of customers and other associates for something I did NOT do. Jackie and I were having a conversation in Customer Service, and I mentioned that I had to talk to the CSM's because I was on track to have 3.5 hours of overtime. All week, I tried to cut out of work early, and instead I was kept late due to the business of Money Center and the understaffing. CSM's kept me over. I started clocking in only 1-3 min early rather than the 15 min I usually clock in early in order to try to compensate for it, and took some longer lunches (an hour and 15 min instead of just an hour). Leroy, a dept. manager, overhears and jumps on the radio calling management into it. Management fussed at the CSMs, and the CSM on the book jumped my case for a)not going to them first and b)having overtime. Umm...*I* didn't go to management, LEROY DID. *I* didn't intend to have overtime, they kept forgetting about me and not relieving me and asking me to stay over, with me telling them the entire time that if I did, I'd have overtime. Still, I managed to keep my cool, but then walked to another CSM and told him I was quitting. He calmed me down and then I was fine. It takes a lot to set me off, but when I get set off, its something small that does it to me. Anyway, rather than let me go home early, they forced me to take a 3 hour lunch. That is so WRONG. Its just not right! I did it because I need my job, but I was pissed.

So anyway. Thursday, I officially got the Money Center job offer, and I accepted it, never realizing I was shooting my CSM ambition in the foot. I even told the manager doing the paper work that I was put in for CSM and how I wanted to make sure I did everything by the book. NEVER did he tell me that accepting the Money Center job offer kicked me out of any other job offers for 6 months. GAHHHH. That's why I want to vent today. I bust my ass for them, and this is how I'm repaid. True, working in Money Center, no one sees my performance...not really. And we have a lot of down time over there, where they walk by and see us standing around talking or something. But there are many, MANY other times where we don't have time to take a break or a lunch because we're so slammed...so it really makes up for it in those areas.

I don't know now if I want CSM. I'm getting pretty jaded on the whole process. If God doesn't want me to be a CSM, fine, but let me know rather than just throwing stumbling blocks in my path, please! Ok that's wrong but I'm just frustrated. I work really hard and I give my customers my best. I don't snap at them, I'm polite to them, and I take a lot of CRAP from them, and I suppose I just want to be rewarded for that. But ya know what...CSMs take even more crap so maybe its best for me to just stay in MC...especially since the chronic pain is really no better and I'm still not sure how long I can keep going.

OK venting is over...I feel better even though I'm sure I didn't make much sense.

Its here!!!

My new camera that is!!! The battery pack is plugged in to charge, and Justin is helping me dig through the huge manuals and such. My niece is really into photography, and her graduation party is Monday, so I'm going to take my camera then and see if she can help give me some pointers.

I have hummingbirds now...at least 3 of them. I REALLY want to be able to zoom in on them feeding and get some clear pictures...some good quality pictures. Oh I'm so EXCITED!!!

Why do battery packs have to take so long to charge? *sigh*

The Security of Our Borders

I'm really really tired, so won't get into this very much and most likely won't make a lick of sense...but here goes.

I was on my way home today, and while listening to the radio, one of my favorite "drive time" talk shows was on...Matt Friederman on WAOY, the Christian Radio station in the AFR network in Mississippi. They were talking about our security, our borders, illegal immigrants, and amnesty.

Playing off a few of their comments, I really started thinking about my experiences with immigrants lately. Working in the Money Center, MOST of my customers who wire money speak little to no English. I've seriously considered attempting to learn Spanish just so I can communicate with them a little more effectively.

So anyway. Just a few short months ago, I was of the opinion that we didn't need immigration, that it harmed us...took jobs...etc. Now...I don't see things quite so black and white. I can see more pros than cons...I like the idea of someone coming to my country to make a living for their family, or to better their lives...I don't like to think of anyone living in poverty or neglect. But...all Mexicans, for instance, can't be living in terrible conditions...can they? I mean...come on...is it just the lure of more money? I can understand that.

Amnesty. I think IF Amnesty is given, the people applying should have NO advantages over new applicants for visas. Maybe the answer can be to give out a HUGE number of visas and student visas...but really attempt to document these guys. Shutting the border may not be the best option after all...but can we really afford to do anything else? If we allowed "anyone" to live and work in our country as long as they were well-documented, I'm sure that more terrorists would leak through. I'm not naive though...I think we have a huge risk from people who have immigrated here years, even decades ago...gained citizenship, and now are working deep cover.

When I worry about my country's security, it isn't hispanics I'm worried about...it isn't any *specific* country...its the fear of the unknown slipping through our very open borders. What worries me almost as much is the fear of becoming completely shut down...much like the Iron Curtain during the Cold War. Very difficult to traven into our country...difficult to travel out of it as well.

We're a country founded on freedom...do we want to lose even more of our freedoms? I WANT us to be secure...I want us to be safe...I do not want my safe haven to be behind concrete and steel walls however.

What is the solution? IS there a solution?

Total Cop Out

No, nothing to do with the police this time. I'm too exhausted to try to be creative tonight. I worked in ladies' wear most of the day today, and I'm sore and worn out.

I'm not sure if I'm going to even get an interview for CSM...the computer may still be giving me fits in regards to getting my name on the interview list. At this point I don't care so much really...I need to get my payraise for Money Center finalized first...I don't want to get the CSM position (and subsequent pay raise) until I get the other raise. So...I can be patient.

Just to kill time, a couple more blogthings: (Thanks Meg for this first one!)

Your Political Profile:

Overall: 65% Conservative, 35% Liberal Social Issues: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal Personal Responsibility: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal Fiscal Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal Ethics: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal Defense and Crime: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal

How Liberal Or Conservative Are You?

WOW who knew??

You Should Get An Asian Inspired Tattoo

Mysterious and expressive You like to show off, but you also like to keep some allure

What Tattoo Should You Get?

Now how funny is this considering my post a couple weeks ago about wanting a dragon tattoo to cover my surgical scar??

You Are A Pine Tree

You love agreeable company, peace, and harmony. Compassionate and friendly, you love to help others. A natural poet, you have a very active imagination. You are very soft on the inside - needing affection and reassurance. You can fall in love deeply, but you will leave if you feel betrayed.

What's Your Celtic Horoscope?

Oh this is soooo close to home! Especially the last part...and unfortunately it doesn't take much to make me feel betrayed, thanks to my paranoia!

Well, that's enough for now. I'll try to be more interesting and creative later. OOOH yeah, my new camera arrives tomorrow (got the compact flash card today)!!

Electrifying Experience!!!

What a DAY!!! Today a registered sex offender was caught in the store, using his camera phone to take pictures up women's skirts. When cornered, he fought both security guys, and was winning...so two cops got involved, and still couldn't tip the scales (4 on 1 at this point). I'm assuming the guy was hyped up on something...I mean COME ON. Four guys?? So one cop pulls his taser gun out and the guy knocks it out of his hand...cop retrieves it, and tasers the guy...it took TWO hits before the guy could be subdued. Oh yeah, he was definitely on something.

You know, when I took this job, I had no idea that such crazy things happened on a regular basis. There's almost never a dull day at work. Still, I'm very glad this guy was caught...I guess you could say this was a success story :-)

New camera!

So I didn't exactly go all impulsive, but I did order a new digital camera today from Dell. I'm going to hate myself for it I'm sure. Its an Olympus E-volt E-500 with 2 lenses. I'm sure it'll take forever for me to even learn how to use it...but hopefully I'll be able to at least take somewhat decent pictures with it right away.

I shopped this decision for a couple weeks now, and I know that I should have waited. Gotta love the bipolar, eh?? I took my time looking, but when I found the one I "liked" I jumped on it, even though it was $150 more than what I'd intended to spend.

So now I have to hope that I enjoy it and don't regret the purchase. We'll see what we shall see.