and it sucks. Yesterday and today I've run fever, had a terrible sore throat, and feel like a truck ran over my head.
My wonderful, dear friend Tena was online at 2:20a.m. and suggested hot chocolate. My throat still hurts but the hot chocolate is soothing it somewhat and seems to have helped my earaches a little too.
Summer colds are the worst...
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Mamaw...
Mamaw has alzheimers. She's had it for years, and is pretty much nonresponsive most of the time now. We found out yesterday that she's had several strokes and is paralyzed on the left side also.
Vida Mae is her name. She turned 90 this past April, while I was in the hospital. She helped raise me, and has been the stable force in my life. I love this woman so much. She's petite...she could never claim to be taller than 5 feet. When I was younger she was plump and had a huge bosom that was perfect for resting your head against when you had a booboo and she'd cuddle you to make you feel better. She called it "petting". When I came home from the 90-91 Gulf War, I climbed up on the couch beside her, laid my head in her lap, and asked her to "pet" me. I was 21 years old lol.
Mamaw taught me how to sew doll dresses, how to crochet, how to cook cornbread when I was 5 years old, how to tell time with a paper clock she made for me, how to read, write, and do simple math, all before I started grade school. When I was sick with pneumonia in 4th grade and missed 52 days of school straight, she forced me to eat cornmeal mush (I'd been throwing up everything) and not only did it "stick" but it was good!! She encouraged my imagination in so many small ways. She had WONDERFUL ghost stories (that she swore were true, and we've never known her to lie), wonderful poems and songs to share with us. She taught me to spell Mississippi when I was 3 (M-I-crooked letter-crooked letter-I-crooked letter-crooked letter-I-humpback-humpback-I), Huckleberry Pie (H you huckle B you buckle Huckleberry Pie!). She never criticized me, but wouldn't hesitate to discipline me. I feared her sharp thumbnail in church, and her wire flyswatter at home!
She taught me to eat rice with butter and milk. Yes, milk...like a broth. Its good! She taught me to sprinkle sugar over freshly sliced strawberries and then cover them with milk for another tasty treat. She bought snowballs for me. She made dolls for me out of corn husks and silk to keep me out of her hair when she was shucking fresh corn from my Aunt Bertha's farm. She took me all over the south-central Mississippi countryside, showing me various "local landmarks", graveyards, haunted houses. We used to ramble for hours on end. She taught me how to find good bargains at garage sales (she called them "garbage sales").
When I was overseas in the first Gulf War, she baked a fruitcake for me and sent it to me, having to pay $22 for shipping because it was so heavy. It fermented on the way over because she doused it with wine to "preserve" it. I sold 1 inch squares for $5 a pop hehe. She wrote me funny, encouraging letters, and didn't laugh at my attempts at "comic strip" stories to show what I'd been up to each week. The comics were drawn with stick figures. Last year, when we moved Mamaw into Mom's house, I found all those old letters from 1990-91 tucked away in Mamaw's dresser drawer. She stayed up all night to help Mom drive to Ft. Bragg, NC to meet me when I got off the plane after 9 months overseas.
Mamaw never finished the 4th grade. She had to go home to help run the family farm. They were very poor. When she was in her 50's, she took classes and got her GED. She was constantly encouraging us to learn. No one ever knew that she'd never graduated or even attended high school because she always strove to learn and keep learning. I think I inherited my thirst for knowledge and love of history from her :-)
She got married at 17, and by the time she was in her early twenties, she'd had 5 children and buried 2 of them. All total she had 9...8 boys and one girl...my mother. I can't even imagine raising 9 children on a single income, but she did it. She made them all graduate from high school and even managed to get a couple through college. She was widowed before she was 40 and left with 4 children at home to care for, and had to find a job for the first time in her life. When she interviewed, she heard them tell another lady (who was 3 years younger than Mamaw) that she was really a little too old for the position. Mamaw walked in and quite brazenly told them she was 15 years younger than she was, and they believed her. She had such a love of life, such a jolly personality, that it was easy to believe she was much younger than she was. She got the job :-)
Mamaw, you'll never read this, but I love you and I miss you every day. God blessed me the day he allowed me to be your granddaughter.
Vida Mae is her name. She turned 90 this past April, while I was in the hospital. She helped raise me, and has been the stable force in my life. I love this woman so much. She's petite...she could never claim to be taller than 5 feet. When I was younger she was plump and had a huge bosom that was perfect for resting your head against when you had a booboo and she'd cuddle you to make you feel better. She called it "petting". When I came home from the 90-91 Gulf War, I climbed up on the couch beside her, laid my head in her lap, and asked her to "pet" me. I was 21 years old lol.
Mamaw taught me how to sew doll dresses, how to crochet, how to cook cornbread when I was 5 years old, how to tell time with a paper clock she made for me, how to read, write, and do simple math, all before I started grade school. When I was sick with pneumonia in 4th grade and missed 52 days of school straight, she forced me to eat cornmeal mush (I'd been throwing up everything) and not only did it "stick" but it was good!! She encouraged my imagination in so many small ways. She had WONDERFUL ghost stories (that she swore were true, and we've never known her to lie), wonderful poems and songs to share with us. She taught me to spell Mississippi when I was 3 (M-I-crooked letter-crooked letter-I-crooked letter-crooked letter-I-humpback-humpback-I), Huckleberry Pie (H you huckle B you buckle Huckleberry Pie!). She never criticized me, but wouldn't hesitate to discipline me. I feared her sharp thumbnail in church, and her wire flyswatter at home!
She taught me to eat rice with butter and milk. Yes, milk...like a broth. Its good! She taught me to sprinkle sugar over freshly sliced strawberries and then cover them with milk for another tasty treat. She bought snowballs for me. She made dolls for me out of corn husks and silk to keep me out of her hair when she was shucking fresh corn from my Aunt Bertha's farm. She took me all over the south-central Mississippi countryside, showing me various "local landmarks", graveyards, haunted houses. We used to ramble for hours on end. She taught me how to find good bargains at garage sales (she called them "garbage sales").
When I was overseas in the first Gulf War, she baked a fruitcake for me and sent it to me, having to pay $22 for shipping because it was so heavy. It fermented on the way over because she doused it with wine to "preserve" it. I sold 1 inch squares for $5 a pop hehe. She wrote me funny, encouraging letters, and didn't laugh at my attempts at "comic strip" stories to show what I'd been up to each week. The comics were drawn with stick figures. Last year, when we moved Mamaw into Mom's house, I found all those old letters from 1990-91 tucked away in Mamaw's dresser drawer. She stayed up all night to help Mom drive to Ft. Bragg, NC to meet me when I got off the plane after 9 months overseas.
Mamaw never finished the 4th grade. She had to go home to help run the family farm. They were very poor. When she was in her 50's, she took classes and got her GED. She was constantly encouraging us to learn. No one ever knew that she'd never graduated or even attended high school because she always strove to learn and keep learning. I think I inherited my thirst for knowledge and love of history from her :-)
She got married at 17, and by the time she was in her early twenties, she'd had 5 children and buried 2 of them. All total she had 9...8 boys and one girl...my mother. I can't even imagine raising 9 children on a single income, but she did it. She made them all graduate from high school and even managed to get a couple through college. She was widowed before she was 40 and left with 4 children at home to care for, and had to find a job for the first time in her life. When she interviewed, she heard them tell another lady (who was 3 years younger than Mamaw) that she was really a little too old for the position. Mamaw walked in and quite brazenly told them she was 15 years younger than she was, and they believed her. She had such a love of life, such a jolly personality, that it was easy to believe she was much younger than she was. She got the job :-)
Mamaw, you'll never read this, but I love you and I miss you every day. God blessed me the day he allowed me to be your granddaughter.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Just rambling...
I just didn't feel like posting this weekend. I didn't even post much at all on my board. I'm not sure if its the meds or what, but I just am not caring about much of anything right now. I do know that I forgot my meds Friday night, and yesterday was rough on me...it was just like starting my meds all over from the beginning again. The shaky vision, nausea, sleepiness, etc. I repeat, "They wonder why we go off our meds..."
AF showed up yesterday morning. Yay. I want to be happy but I'm wishing it was Friday already LOL. Cramping is ok, not as bad as in the past, but the migraine...oy. The migraine hurts.
I miss my dad. I alternate between missing him and hating him. I don't want to hate him...he's my DAD. At the same time, I can never forgive him. Dad is another story...a long one. Suffice it to say he's in prison and I don't know if I'll ever post why because theoretically it could jeopardize his safety. He'll be 62 this November. Wow. I do miss him. This sucks.
I may go back to work soon. Jason said my job was waiting for me...I feel like I'm ready to go back, although I've gotten spoiled somewhat from being able to stay home. I think Justin doesn't really want me to go back...he's gotten used to his breakfast each morning and having supper each night, and I think he thinks all that will stop once I go back to work. It might, but I'm hoping that I continue with this change that has happened to me since being in the hospital.
Another hurricane is coming into the Gulf. I'm sorry for FL, but grateful that Ernesto is going to hit them and not us. We are still recovering from Katrina...I don't know how much more my trailer can take...its been through several hurricanes since we got it in 2002, and two of them were significant storms. Katrina though...wow. I'm still amazed that my trailer made it through. We lost so many trees all around it, but the trailer made it. Amazing.
AF showed up yesterday morning. Yay. I want to be happy but I'm wishing it was Friday already LOL. Cramping is ok, not as bad as in the past, but the migraine...oy. The migraine hurts.
I miss my dad. I alternate between missing him and hating him. I don't want to hate him...he's my DAD. At the same time, I can never forgive him. Dad is another story...a long one. Suffice it to say he's in prison and I don't know if I'll ever post why because theoretically it could jeopardize his safety. He'll be 62 this November. Wow. I do miss him. This sucks.
I may go back to work soon. Jason said my job was waiting for me...I feel like I'm ready to go back, although I've gotten spoiled somewhat from being able to stay home. I think Justin doesn't really want me to go back...he's gotten used to his breakfast each morning and having supper each night, and I think he thinks all that will stop once I go back to work. It might, but I'm hoping that I continue with this change that has happened to me since being in the hospital.
Another hurricane is coming into the Gulf. I'm sorry for FL, but grateful that Ernesto is going to hit them and not us. We are still recovering from Katrina...I don't know how much more my trailer can take...its been through several hurricanes since we got it in 2002, and two of them were significant storms. Katrina though...wow. I'm still amazed that my trailer made it through. We lost so many trees all around it, but the trailer made it. Amazing.
Friday, August 25, 2006
No title...not motivated enough!
Another day today. Gee. What fun. I'm dragging so badly. It seems the last week or so of my posts have all been depressing. I need a pick-me-up I guess. Shoot, even Neopets is boring me LOL.
Mom is treating me to lunch today. I'm supposed to meet her in Purvis. I don't want to sound ingrateful, but I don't feel like driving. I'm wondering if she'll come here instead, but I don't want to put her out.
I dropped the ball this morning and didn't get up and cook breakfast. I did get up and fix the last 2 waffles, but Justin made the batter and the first 4 waffles. What a slug I am! True, I had trouble sleeping last night, but still, I should have gotten up when he first woke me instead of going back to sleep.
Ick. I'll write more later when I'm in a better mood. This is depressing me hehe.
Mom is treating me to lunch today. I'm supposed to meet her in Purvis. I don't want to sound ingrateful, but I don't feel like driving. I'm wondering if she'll come here instead, but I don't want to put her out.
I dropped the ball this morning and didn't get up and cook breakfast. I did get up and fix the last 2 waffles, but Justin made the batter and the first 4 waffles. What a slug I am! True, I had trouble sleeping last night, but still, I should have gotten up when he first woke me instead of going back to sleep.
Ick. I'll write more later when I'm in a better mood. This is depressing me hehe.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
UGH UGH UGH
I'm swinging again. I'm sitting here in tears and its so stupid. What a day...what an anniversary!
We got to the church, and everyone was having fun, hanging out, waiting for their portrait proofs, etc., and all I could do was sit on a pew and feel miserable. I wasn't able to interact with anyone. I just felt completely alienated and I think I was probably downright rude to those who did try to talk to me.
The portraits went well...I didn't see the proofs but Justin said they were awesome. But...not only could we not afford an anniversary dinner, we couldn't afford any pictures either, and that just sucks. I mean, its not like its a big deal...we at least get one free (I think) and we should be able to order more later, but will we ever really have the money?
We have to make some sacrifices to pay our bills off...its a good thing really...in 2-3 years we'll be able to build that house without having to worry about an endless cc debt. That will make everything worth it. And we'll be able to buy Justin a new truck...my van will be paid off next year. I can't WAIT to buy something for Justin...he never gets anything new, unless you count socks and underwear, and who wants to only get socks and underwear? lol
I feel like I'm coming apart tonight. I did go ahead and take my meds, but I didn't want to at all. I'll be so glad when they regulate...I hate this hate this hate this!
We got to the church, and everyone was having fun, hanging out, waiting for their portrait proofs, etc., and all I could do was sit on a pew and feel miserable. I wasn't able to interact with anyone. I just felt completely alienated and I think I was probably downright rude to those who did try to talk to me.
The portraits went well...I didn't see the proofs but Justin said they were awesome. But...not only could we not afford an anniversary dinner, we couldn't afford any pictures either, and that just sucks. I mean, its not like its a big deal...we at least get one free (I think) and we should be able to order more later, but will we ever really have the money?
We have to make some sacrifices to pay our bills off...its a good thing really...in 2-3 years we'll be able to build that house without having to worry about an endless cc debt. That will make everything worth it. And we'll be able to buy Justin a new truck...my van will be paid off next year. I can't WAIT to buy something for Justin...he never gets anything new, unless you count socks and underwear, and who wants to only get socks and underwear? lol
I feel like I'm coming apart tonight. I did go ahead and take my meds, but I didn't want to at all. I'll be so glad when they regulate...I hate this hate this hate this!
Happy Anniversary!!!
Justin and I have been married 6 years today. Time does fly. It seems like yesterday I was upset and crying over my life and prayed that God would send me a man who would love my children as if they were his, and would love Him and want to go to church with me. The VERY next day, Justin walked in at work and asked me out. It took almost 2 months for me to agree to go out with him, since we both worked for the same company. Our courtship was shorter than our engagement...he proposed, on bended knee, in a suit, on the beach (my dream) 3 weeks to the day after our first "date". It took two dates for me to hug him, and three dates for a kiss LOL. We were engaged for four months...an eternity compared to our courtship...
We have no money to go out, which is fine...we're getting out of debt and have to make sacrifices. So I've been saving some pork chops for this occasion...he LOVES my baked chops. I thawed them out, and when I was rinsing them, the smell hit me. They'd somehow gone bad in the freezer. Great. So now we're all eating a variety of leftovers for our "big" anniversary dinner. This is my life.
We're having family portraits done this evening at church, for our church directory. Its very cool that they're doing a new directory so soon after we joined the church...I've never been in a church directory :) If they'll let us order later, or give them a post-dated check, then we'll buy a couple for us. I wish we could afford a nice package, but its Olan Mills, so it'll be expensive probably.
I can't seem to get enough sleep the past couple days. I went ages without sleep, and now I'm sleeping TOO much. The meds maybe? I did go to bed late last night, around 12:30 a.m., but the night before that I was in bed before midnight, and the night before that I was asleep by 10:00 p.m. Yesterday and today I went back to bed after getting Justin and the kids off, although this morning I logged in for an hour first. Yesterday I didn't get up until after 1:00 p.m., and this morning it was 11:45 when I dragged myself (unwillingly) out of bed and got a shower. I would easily sleep all day I think...and I'm sitting here yawning right now and feel just bone tired. I think, weather permitting tomorrow, I'm going to go to the park and walk the track. Its a 1/4 mile track, and every so often, there are workout stations, with various equipment (outdoor equipment). I'm feeling much better from the surgeries, so I think it will do me good, and hopefully will get rid of this lethargy. I haven't walked in days because of the weather...and I think I really need to get back to it.
OK enough of a novel for now. I'm going to finish my leftover red beans and rice (leftover of choice for Bekah and me), guzzle the rest of my Coke (the spices apparently have fermented because these beans are HOTTER than I remember!) and go get ready for portraits. We have to be there at 8:10 tonight. I didn't want to go that late but had no choice since the earlier spots were taken.
We have no money to go out, which is fine...we're getting out of debt and have to make sacrifices. So I've been saving some pork chops for this occasion...he LOVES my baked chops. I thawed them out, and when I was rinsing them, the smell hit me. They'd somehow gone bad in the freezer. Great. So now we're all eating a variety of leftovers for our "big" anniversary dinner. This is my life.
We're having family portraits done this evening at church, for our church directory. Its very cool that they're doing a new directory so soon after we joined the church...I've never been in a church directory :) If they'll let us order later, or give them a post-dated check, then we'll buy a couple for us. I wish we could afford a nice package, but its Olan Mills, so it'll be expensive probably.
I can't seem to get enough sleep the past couple days. I went ages without sleep, and now I'm sleeping TOO much. The meds maybe? I did go to bed late last night, around 12:30 a.m., but the night before that I was in bed before midnight, and the night before that I was asleep by 10:00 p.m. Yesterday and today I went back to bed after getting Justin and the kids off, although this morning I logged in for an hour first. Yesterday I didn't get up until after 1:00 p.m., and this morning it was 11:45 when I dragged myself (unwillingly) out of bed and got a shower. I would easily sleep all day I think...and I'm sitting here yawning right now and feel just bone tired. I think, weather permitting tomorrow, I'm going to go to the park and walk the track. Its a 1/4 mile track, and every so often, there are workout stations, with various equipment (outdoor equipment). I'm feeling much better from the surgeries, so I think it will do me good, and hopefully will get rid of this lethargy. I haven't walked in days because of the weather...and I think I really need to get back to it.
OK enough of a novel for now. I'm going to finish my leftover red beans and rice (leftover of choice for Bekah and me), guzzle the rest of my Coke (the spices apparently have fermented because these beans are HOTTER than I remember!) and go get ready for portraits. We have to be there at 8:10 tonight. I didn't want to go that late but had no choice since the earlier spots were taken.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Another rough day, but there's light at the end of the tunnel!
Whew what a day. Its been another rough one, but a friend IM'd me out of the blue and cheered me up (thanks Tena) :)
I've been a bad influence too...I talked another friend into journalling for the first time (maniacal laughter). Once you're hooked...you're hooked for life hehe.
Katie is sick today...she's rather green looking and says her tummy hurts. I've given her some Pepto and she's laying on the couch now, watching TV with me. The show of choice? Bridezillas. I love this show...I never had a traditional wedding, so I love watching brides turning into monsters over small details...
Thunderstorms again today...that's every single day now since the last week of June. How weird is that? Usually July and August are dry dry dry here in south MS.
My meds are doing weird things to me...my vision is all messed up...really "jerky" and hard to focus on anything. I also feel like I'm shaking to pieces all the time. And they wonder why we quit our meds...sheesh.
I'll post more later...I'm just really not feeling right today...
I've been a bad influence too...I talked another friend into journalling for the first time (maniacal laughter). Once you're hooked...you're hooked for life hehe.
Katie is sick today...she's rather green looking and says her tummy hurts. I've given her some Pepto and she's laying on the couch now, watching TV with me. The show of choice? Bridezillas. I love this show...I never had a traditional wedding, so I love watching brides turning into monsters over small details...
Thunderstorms again today...that's every single day now since the last week of June. How weird is that? Usually July and August are dry dry dry here in south MS.
My meds are doing weird things to me...my vision is all messed up...really "jerky" and hard to focus on anything. I also feel like I'm shaking to pieces all the time. And they wonder why we quit our meds...sheesh.
I'll post more later...I'm just really not feeling right today...
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Another rough day :(
Ugh. I haven't posted in ages. I haven't felt like much of anything. I started my bipolar meds and its been up and down. Today has been rough. This afternoon I was browning ground beef for supper and a spice jar fell off the back of the stove and made a loud racket, and I lost it...just started screaming. I had to go outside and sit on the (very damp) porch until I calmed down enough to go back in and face the kids. The last thing I wanted to do was scare them or hurt them, so I just removed myself from the situation. It still scares me how I can be totally fine one minute, a raving lunatic the next, and fine five minutes after that.
AF is late too. I was supposed to get it last Tuesday, so I'm officially a week late today. I tested twice, once Friday night and once Sunday, and both were negative, so I figure its just stress, but just in case I'm going to get checked out. Just a little background...since 2001 I've been irregular at best, and had AF totally nonexistant for two years. After the liver resection, I still didn't get it back, but finally in May it reappeared, and was on time 3 times in a row. So to miss it now is suspect. I'm praying the cancer hasn't come back...the surgeon told us in July to prepare ourselves because it would come back.
I haven't talked about my cancer here...I just haven't felt led to yet. Of course, I haven't talked about much really...and its not like anyone will read it anyway...it just makes me feel better to get it out there.
I'm very scared most of the time now. I still can't sleep well, although I am getting a little more since going back on my meds. I'm having a lot of chest pain too...went to see a cardiologist at Dr. Long's urging yesterday. The only reason I went was because Dr. Long urged me to get checked out when he felt the mass in my chest, and in less than 3 weeks I was under the knife with a cancerous tumor. Joy.
Please Lord, don't let the cancer come back...at least not right now. I've been pretty strong this year, all things considering, and I feel like I will literally fracture into pieces if I get thrown another curve health-wise. I'm just trying to hold it all together.
AF is late too. I was supposed to get it last Tuesday, so I'm officially a week late today. I tested twice, once Friday night and once Sunday, and both were negative, so I figure its just stress, but just in case I'm going to get checked out. Just a little background...since 2001 I've been irregular at best, and had AF totally nonexistant for two years. After the liver resection, I still didn't get it back, but finally in May it reappeared, and was on time 3 times in a row. So to miss it now is suspect. I'm praying the cancer hasn't come back...the surgeon told us in July to prepare ourselves because it would come back.
I haven't talked about my cancer here...I just haven't felt led to yet. Of course, I haven't talked about much really...and its not like anyone will read it anyway...it just makes me feel better to get it out there.
I'm very scared most of the time now. I still can't sleep well, although I am getting a little more since going back on my meds. I'm having a lot of chest pain too...went to see a cardiologist at Dr. Long's urging yesterday. The only reason I went was because Dr. Long urged me to get checked out when he felt the mass in my chest, and in less than 3 weeks I was under the knife with a cancerous tumor. Joy.
Please Lord, don't let the cancer come back...at least not right now. I've been pretty strong this year, all things considering, and I feel like I will literally fracture into pieces if I get thrown another curve health-wise. I'm just trying to hold it all together.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Insurance sucks!!!
Ok well it doesn't suck...my $400,000 hospital bill from March was paid all but about $2300, so insurance companies DO have their uses. However, I'm in desperate need of my bipolar meds...I got my family doc to prescribe them for me a week ago today, and we've been fighting with the insurance company to get them filled ever since. They want us to do mail order...i didn't have a large enough prescription for mail order...so had to get the doctor's office involved...finally got it all worked out today and the insurance company says I'm not in their computer! They filled these meds for me last year!! GAH. So it'll take at LEAST two weeks before I get my meds.
Thank the Lord I found enough from last year to fill in until then, but man, if I hadn't been able to find them...I've REALLY wanted to cut myself a lot lately.
I've had a lot of bad thoughts lately. Its getting harder and harder to deal with things again...maybe because of the cancer and almost dying a few times back in March and April? Maybe now its finally starting to hit home? I don't know...I had a REALLY positive attitude back then...its how I pulled through, that and God's grace. If we can pull our heads above water, I want to go back to counselling. I really miss it. I've felt often lately that I need to go back into Pine Grove...but man I REALLY don't want to go back there!!!
Anyway...I haven't slept in a couple nights...going to try to get some rest since I have to go to the heart specialist tomorrow (will it never end?). I guess I'll post a health-related post one of these days when I feel like whining lol.
Thank the Lord I found enough from last year to fill in until then, but man, if I hadn't been able to find them...I've REALLY wanted to cut myself a lot lately.
I've had a lot of bad thoughts lately. Its getting harder and harder to deal with things again...maybe because of the cancer and almost dying a few times back in March and April? Maybe now its finally starting to hit home? I don't know...I had a REALLY positive attitude back then...its how I pulled through, that and God's grace. If we can pull our heads above water, I want to go back to counselling. I really miss it. I've felt often lately that I need to go back into Pine Grove...but man I REALLY don't want to go back there!!!
Anyway...I haven't slept in a couple nights...going to try to get some rest since I have to go to the heart specialist tomorrow (will it never end?). I guess I'll post a health-related post one of these days when I feel like whining lol.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Sleepless night and a bad day...
Another sleepless night last night. Yeah, I played Neopets a lot, but only because I couldn't sleep. I moved the laptop into the living room and determined not to put it back in the bedroom...I did that Tuesday I think it was. It didn't help much, but at least when I went to bed I wasn't tempted to reach out for the laptop when I couldn't sleep, and I did eventually fall asleep around 5 a.m. this morning. It being Saturday, the kids kept waking me up, although they tried not to.
Jared and Katie started back to school Wednesday. I really got blue over that. For the past two weeks, they've been at each other's throats...I couldn't WAIT for school to start, and of course now I'm missing them terribly. I went to the doctor Tuesday because I hadn't slept more than maybe 6 hours total in the past 3 weeks. He prescribed my bipolar meds for me again, but the stupid insurance company is saying we HAVE to do them mail order, 90-day supply at a time. Well, he started me on a LOW dose until I get used to them again, and so he only prescribed a 30-day supply. He won't change it, and the insurance company is still fighting us. UGH. I don't blame the doctor, he KNOWS what he's doing. But I've been off these meds since Katrina hit and I ran out and couldn't get a new prescription. I didn't go back on them sooner because of the issues I've had with my liver this year (that'll be another post too!!!).
I want to cut myself again, but so far I've managed to stay out of the kitchen. I don't remember actually cutting myself, but I do know the signs...like I think about it when I see a knife...I almost couldn't use a knife to cut my sandwiches just now. The only reason I was able to was because I waited until Justin came into the kitchen. As it is, I had to get him to cut up my roast beef for me. I really need to be back on my meds.
Watching Playhouse Disney probably isn't helping me lol. Bekah has control of the TV this morning...DoodleBops is on...she hated it when they first put it on a couple years ago, but now that she's almost 4 she loves it. I'll never understand a pre-schooler's tastes...
Jared and Katie started back to school Wednesday. I really got blue over that. For the past two weeks, they've been at each other's throats...I couldn't WAIT for school to start, and of course now I'm missing them terribly. I went to the doctor Tuesday because I hadn't slept more than maybe 6 hours total in the past 3 weeks. He prescribed my bipolar meds for me again, but the stupid insurance company is saying we HAVE to do them mail order, 90-day supply at a time. Well, he started me on a LOW dose until I get used to them again, and so he only prescribed a 30-day supply. He won't change it, and the insurance company is still fighting us. UGH. I don't blame the doctor, he KNOWS what he's doing. But I've been off these meds since Katrina hit and I ran out and couldn't get a new prescription. I didn't go back on them sooner because of the issues I've had with my liver this year (that'll be another post too!!!).
I want to cut myself again, but so far I've managed to stay out of the kitchen. I don't remember actually cutting myself, but I do know the signs...like I think about it when I see a knife...I almost couldn't use a knife to cut my sandwiches just now. The only reason I was able to was because I waited until Justin came into the kitchen. As it is, I had to get him to cut up my roast beef for me. I really need to be back on my meds.
Watching Playhouse Disney probably isn't helping me lol. Bekah has control of the TV this morning...DoodleBops is on...she hated it when they first put it on a couple years ago, but now that she's almost 4 she loves it. I'll never understand a pre-schooler's tastes...
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Neomania (new addiction to Neopets!)
A couple weeks ago, a friend either did me a huge favor or a gross disservice...she introduced me to Neopets. Since then, I'm on that website pretty much the entire time I'm online. Its not a HUGE amount of fun, so I'm not really sure why I'm so hooked. I mean, I can only register scores on my favorite games 3 times a day...my fingers cramp up from playing the games on a laptop keyboard...I don't shut the laptop down when I should (i.e. for BED) and so I'm losing even less sleep than normal.
Have you played Neopets? Depending on how you view your online time, you may or may not want to explore this option lol. If you do decide to try it out, feel free to use this link: http://www.neopets.com/refer.phtml?username=xanthgyrl . You don't have to of course, but if you do I get a small reward of neopoints (the currency used on the Neopets site) or, once I have a certain number of referrals, an item or benefit (such as a level gain for my pets).
I'd advise only starting out with one pet...until you really familiarize yourself with the site, it can be hard to take care of more than that. Yes, you have to feed and play with your pet.
Some of my favorite games to play are Cheat, Attack of the Revenge, Scarab 21, Deckswabber, Destruct-O-Match II, Igloo Garage Sale - the Game, Pterattack, Snowball Fight, Sutek's Tomb, among many others :)
Give it a try...its free, its fun, its family-friendly. Even my almost-4-year-old has a pet on her own account. Of course, I do the "work" but she tells me what to do :lol My oldest and I regularly play together, which makes for good family bonding time.
Man, this reads like a paid advertisement or something. Truth be known, I just didn't have anything really worth talking about today and realized I hadn't posted anything since my first post on Friday lol.
Friday, August 04, 2006
My first Blog...ever!
This is my first ever blog, so its probably going to totally suck :) However, I'm not trying to entertain, amuse, or wax poetic. I've kept journals for years, as a form of therapy, and after being hospitalized last year and again this year (different reasons) my outlook on life has changed somewhat. I've also come to realize lately that while I don't particularly find anything about myself even vaguely redeeming, I've actually been able to help others by sharing my experiences, emotions, mistakes...everything that I've come to hate about myself. Thus the public forum. I doubt this will even be read by anyone, as I don't plan to give out the url, but just in case, well...its here.
My name is Kandy. Don't try to be cute or original; believe me, I've heard ALL of the jokes you could possibly come up with. My standard answer, developed by the time I was 15 or so: "Yes, I'm sweet; no, I don't know what kind of candy I am; and no, you may not have a piece!!"
I always wanted to be in a large family. Growing up, while I had plenty of cousins, at home it was just my brother and me. My dad had a brother and a sister who lived...and a brother who died at age 11, and a sister who was stillborn. My mother was the only girl in a family of 9 children, two of whom died in childhood. So while I was surrounded by cousins, I always felt something was missing at home (a happy family maybe?).
Anyway, not sure what I want to write about today. I'm tempted to pour out my life's story, such as it is, just to fill up space :) However, I know that there will be days when I need to talk about one memory or another, so I'll save those ramblings for later ;)
Lets just say that I have a disease...I'm bipolar, I have a mild case of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and I'm paranoid. I pretty much despise myself on a regular basis. However, lately I've realized that while I always knew there were other people out there "like me"...I've been able to help some of them by sharing my experiences, my pain, my mistakes, and by just listening and not judging.
So...here's my blog. I'll still have my journal for really private ramblings, but maybe over time I'll share more here. I'd like to feel good about myself again...and right now I just feel like a scarred up crazy person most of the time...tonight is a low night, I'm home completely alone, sitting in the dark with only the illumination of my laptop and my tv. Bad news...I know better...but I need to feel this way right now...I need to feel even just a little better about myself, and writing always makes me feel a little better...like I've shared with someone, even if its only myself. Maybe I'm a little schizo in there too??
I've made a lot of mistakes...more than I want to think about. I've hurt a lot of people in the process. I've always known when I made mistakes...shortly afterwards, but not soon enough to keep from making them. Sometimes I just can't help but do something without thinking about it. You'd think I'd have learned by now. Maybe I have...I'm struggling daily to be a better person, and I hope I'm succeeding.
I'm not a bad person...I'm even a nice person...I'd do anything I could for anyone...my problem is that I don't think things through often enough.
Anyway, I'm going to stop here for the night...I'm feeling pretty low and I'll save the rest of my worries for another day. Heck, maybe when I post tomorrow I'll have a smile instead of a sorrow :)
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