My first Blog...ever!

This is my first ever blog, so its probably going to totally suck :) However, I'm not trying to entertain, amuse, or wax poetic. I've kept journals for years, as a form of therapy, and after being hospitalized last year and again this year (different reasons) my outlook on life has changed somewhat. I've also come to realize lately that while I don't particularly find anything about myself even vaguely redeeming, I've actually been able to help others by sharing my experiences, emotions, mistakes...everything that I've come to hate about myself. Thus the public forum. I doubt this will even be read by anyone, as I don't plan to give out the url, but just in case, well...its here.

My name is Kandy. Don't try to be cute or original; believe me, I've heard ALL of the jokes you could possibly come up with. My standard answer, developed by the time I was 15 or so: "Yes, I'm sweet; no, I don't know what kind of candy I am; and no, you may not have a piece!!"

I always wanted to be in a large family. Growing up, while I had plenty of cousins, at home it was just my brother and me. My dad had a brother and a sister who lived...and a brother who died at age 11, and a sister who was stillborn. My mother was the only girl in a family of 9 children, two of whom died in childhood. So while I was surrounded by cousins, I always felt something was missing at home (a happy family maybe?).

Anyway, not sure what I want to write about today. I'm tempted to pour out my life's story, such as it is, just to fill up space :) However, I know that there will be days when I need to talk about one memory or another, so I'll save those ramblings for later ;)

Lets just say that I have a disease...I'm bipolar, I have a mild case of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and I'm paranoid. I pretty much despise myself on a regular basis. However, lately I've realized that while I always knew there were other people out there "like me"...I've been able to help some of them by sharing my experiences, my pain, my mistakes, and by just listening and not judging.

So...here's my blog. I'll still have my journal for really private ramblings, but maybe over time I'll share more here. I'd like to feel good about myself again...and right now I just feel like a scarred up crazy person most of the time...tonight is a low night, I'm home completely alone, sitting in the dark with only the illumination of my laptop and my tv. Bad news...I know better...but I need to feel this way right now...I need to feel even just a little better about myself, and writing always makes me feel a little better...like I've shared with someone, even if its only myself. Maybe I'm a little schizo in there too??

I've made a lot of mistakes...more than I want to think about. I've hurt a lot of people in the process. I've always known when I made mistakes...shortly afterwards, but not soon enough to keep from making them. Sometimes I just can't help but do something without thinking about it. You'd think I'd have learned by now. Maybe I have...I'm struggling daily to be a better person, and I hope I'm succeeding.

I'm not a bad person...I'm even a nice person...I'd do anything I could for anyone...my problem is that I don't think things through often enough.

Anyway, I'm going to stop here for the night...I'm feeling pretty low and I'll save the rest of my worries for another day. Heck, maybe when I post tomorrow I'll have a smile instead of a sorrow :)