I need a vacation

I really do! I was really questioning taking the CSM position before I took it, and I've wondered this past week if God is letting me know I made the wrong decision. Justin doesn't think so, but I'm not so sure.

Today was just...awful. I teared up several times because I was just so MAD. I knew that I'd be working Money Center more than CSM this week. I have no problems with that. The problem I have is the same one...being pulled off learning CSM stuff in order to, for instance, SCRUB GARBAGE CANS. Two other CSM's knew how pissed off I was just from the look on my face, so I'm NOT doing a good job controlling my facial expressions. They couldn't believe I was told to scrub garbage cans. For the record, I never did scrub them...couldn't find a brush and I wasn't going to use my hands.

Then, the cousin of a girl I had a "run-in" with on Monday about a return I approved on Friday told a CSM that I was telling cashiers to straighten up or I was going to fire them. I was told to "watch what you say." I finally had enough and said I was NOT going to watch what I say, because I never said I was going to fire anyone, even in jest. I got so mad over it I was ready to do a complaint against both cashiers (the cousins, that is). I decided to be the bigger person, and I'm just going to ignore it for now. I documented it though, and if the first one disrespects me again, I WILL write her up, and start a paper trail. I'm sick and tired of people saying I've said things that I haven't said.

There is a definite campaign going on to get me in trouble. I know the ringleaders, and I know why. A lot of it is resentment because I got CSM. I believe its the same ones who spread the tale to my old manager that I was going around telling everyone I was going to be the next CSM, when I never said THAT either. That didn't work, so now they're trying this. Management told me to take it in stride, that people are going to continually talk. I get that, I really do...but they (management) need to HELP me in this, by taking any accusation that's proven unfounded and coaching the accuser. If they make a few "gossip examples" maybe it wouldn't be so incredibly rampant. I've never known a workplace to be so full of gossipmongers and to have such an active rumor mill.

I hate griping all the time...but ya know, I'm in so much pain the past couple days, and I'm not sleeping (without taking a xanaflex for the pain anyway) and I'm so...well I just have such a short fuse. This is NOT me. I want to just go back to Money Center, but I get a real sense of enjoyment out of the few CSM duties I've been allowed to perform so far. Saturday night, I KNOW I was a real asset to the company because I stayed late when we had only 1 CSM and I ran my feet off helping her out.

Days like today though...I really do get very frustrated. I pray that after my procedure, I have a better mood and temperament...please Lord, PLEASE let this procedure give me some relief! I'm so tired of being ... well mean all the time...

Just shoot me!

UGH. I'm so tired its not even funny. I've been training for CSM this week, and I can think of more pleasant experiences...such as having teeth pulled. I kid you not, the whole thing has been so unorganized its not even funny. It took WEEKS for them to get their acts together and get the offer out there, and then another week and a half to actually get me in the computer...SO I was borrowing other CSM's numbers just to do my job...when I was allowed to do it.

Take yesterday for instance. I was SUPPOSED to work the book all morning. Instead, the CSM training me had me doing all the tasks that cashiers should have been doing...getting ready for inventory. At one point I was cleaning out from under bookshelves (let me tell you, it was NASTY) while 3 or 4 cashiers stood around flapping their jaws. I didn't do ANYTHING resembling a CSM's job. I ran cash registers all day and cleaned and scrubbed. I learned NOTHING and was very very close to walking out and telling them where they could stick their promotion.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind doing these things that need to be done...I'm humble enough to understand that we all pitch in when we're needed. I had two problems with what happened yesterday:
1. I was supposed to be training, and learned NOTHING new, and am expected to be trained within a week...and had been training since Monday and still knew nothing much at all.
2. There were cashiers standing around goofing off when they could have been doing the busy work that I was doing, and *I* could have been learning.

I feel like I wasn't utilized in the way I could/should have been, and it irritated me to no end. I left work in tears and so pissed off that I'm surprised I kept my mouth shut long enough to leave without quitting.

Today was much better, but everything is sore and I'm tired. I have a tension headache and just want to go to bed for a week. I had fun though, other than the expected run-ins with some of the cashiers who are disgruntled that I'm going to be "over" them now. Oh well. As time goes on, it'll get better.

New blog!

OK so I made a new blog on another site last week, but haven't really had time to play around with it until today (and, my internet connection has been TERRIBLE due to all the bad weather we've had).

I'm not sure which format I'll like better...blogspot or the new wordpress site, so I need feedback on both sites! If you leave a comment here, and feel like it, please leave a comment over there too, and let me know what you think...include your thoughts on the ease/difficulty leaving the comment itself!

The new site is Ramblings of a Redneck Woman. Thanks in advance!!!

I've been tagged!

Yeah, I KNOW I was tagged days ago, but alright already, I've been busy!

So Lynnae...here are mine :)

Four jobs I've held:
1. Helicopter Mechanic in the Army (still my favorite job)
2. Restaurant manager
3. Cashier
4. Tupperware (liked it too)

Four movies I can watch over and over again:
1. Gone With the Wind
2. Phantom of the Opera
3. Secondhand Lions
4. O' Brother Where Art Thou

Four places I have lived:
1. Petal/Hattiesburg, MS (they're neighboring cities)
2. Watertown (area), NY
3. Ft. Bragg, NC
4. Poplarville, MS

Four TV shows I watch:
1. Any of the Law and Order shows
2. Survivor
3. Heroes
4. CSI (original one...don't care for CSI: NY or CSI: Miami)

Four places I've been on vacation:
1. Fantasy Kingdom
2. Epcot
3. Disney-MGM studios
4. Animal Kingdom

OK OK OK...
Four places I've been on vacation:
1. Walt Disney World, Orlando, FL
2. DisneyLand, Anaheim, CA
3. Smokey Mountains
4. Little Rock, AR

Four of my favorite foods:
1. strawberries
2. sweet gherkins
3. sweet potato ANYTHING
4. snow crab legs

Four websites I visit:
1. October 2002 Playgroup
2. PvP Online
3. American Family Radio
4. Looking For Group

I have no one to tag...sad isn't it? LOL I'll think of someone eventually...

Harry Potter (SPOILER ALERT)

So I stood in line Friday night and bought the last book, and I finished it somewhere between 9-11 hours of reading (I'm thinking it was around 9, but I say 10-11 to be on the safe side). It was no LONGER than 11, but I was stopped a LOT during that time to do stuff with the kids, work, etc LOL

Overall, I was pretty disappointed...but I think a lot of that was my own fault for letting myself get really hyped about it.

Some things I liked:
-Dobby's death was sad for me, but the way Harry handled it made me tear up...
-Neville...I love this kid, and I'm REALLY glad he lived!
-Harry's reaction when Ron and Hermione finally kissed...priceless
-Snape living up to my expectations (and desires) for his character's direction
-Percy reuniting with his family, and the way Fred laid it all out for him when he came back...I was laughing SO hard at that
-Mrs. Weasley calling Belatrix a bitch and kicking her ass

Some things I'm still pissed off about:
-Hedwig's death
-Fred's death (I'm still highly peeved about that one)
-the epilogue (but then a friend pointed out that she writes for kids too, so I can now see the "need" for it...but it still irks me lol)
-the way the book seemed to have difficulty "flowing" as well as the previous six did
-the way Harry seems to be a bigger screw up than in any of the previous six books combined. Come on, we get that he's only human, but PLEASE...the book acts as if he's never learned anything at all!

I had a big summary of my thoughts written out, but I can't find it now...sooo all in all, I think this book pretty much falls in line with every other book written to end a series...a lot of tying up loose ends, and maybe trying to please fans a little too much. I didn't like one of the major contradictions in my mind...Snape is redeemed, BUT it never explains why in the sixth book he tried to kill Harry with the Avada Kadavra curse after he'd killed Dumbledore. Now, perhaps he intentionally missed, given what was revealed in the last book, BUT she should have addressed that when she explained all of his other actions. One, two sentences at the most is all it would have taken. Something really small, but it really irritated me.

I don't think its possible to make all of her fans happy obviously, I just wish I was one of the ones who read the book and LOVED it. Oh well. It was worth the $18 at any rate. Jared's reading it now, and I can't wait for his thoughts on the whole thing. More to come :)

I need new feet!

OK so this is a truly gross picture, and my feet do NOT look like this (they're not THAT old yet lol) but man, they sure do FEEL like it!

I got to work fully expecting to spend most of my time in Money Center tonight, and instead I was doing CSM duty for 7 of the 8 hours I worked (at least). Granted, I didn't have my own keys or numbers yet, but I borrowed from other CSM's...and considering I was left alone to run the front end for about an hour (with no warning whatsoever) I think I did fairly well.

I LOVED the fact that I got to walk so much...the time really flew by because I wasn't standing in any one place. My back and abdomen didn't hurt as badly either, I assumed from the constant movement keeping me from stiffening up. About an hour before I got off though, my feet started really burning, and I limped out to my van after my shift. I have two new blisters. What the heck? Its not like I've been sitting on my bum the past 8 months...I stand on my feet the entire day...I guess there's just more friction walking back and forth.

I feel good about how I worked tonight...but the real test will come once I'm truly on my own. So far though, so good. I had little to no supervision or instruction out on the floor, and I feel very confident in my performance.

So...all in all...a good day (I just need new feet!)

CSM

I got it :) I do the paperwork tomorrow, and then start officially training on Monday, but in actuality will start tomorrow most likely here and there. I'm also to continue covering Money Center until my replacement is trained and in place.

Yay! Maybe things are looking up...

A little better?

I guess I'm a little better today. Thanks to those of you who are praying and thinking of me. I'm tired, but there's a glimmer of light at the end of this tunnel. I've decided not to do the implant at this time...and I'm debating the alcohol procedure. One of the risks, if the alcohol goes where they don't want it to, is weakness in the legs and thus, inability to walk or stand. It goes away after a few months, but STILL. Something to think about.

I just feel like I'm spiraling out of control in a downwards direction. I need a vacation...a break. Justin may get to go back to Vegas in September, and if he does, he said he'll be able to take me. It may be just what I...and we...need.

As for CSM...I had my second interview today, and again, it went well. My manager said she'd announce it tomorrow, but when she fixed my schedule for this coming week, she did it with "training shifts" in mind, so that gives me great hope. Still...nothing is definite, and I won't allow myself to get my hopes up too much. I just don't want to go down that road again.

And to be honest...do I even REALLY want it? I like working in Money Center. I think what I'll talk to her about is the possibility of going back to Money Center if I get CSM and don't think its a good fit within a certain amount of time. I doubt they'll do that, but if they would, it'd be nice. I'm very good in Money Center.

Its so hard to get excited about anything at this point...but I *think* CSM would be a smart move for me, even if I have to cut my hours. I may NEED to cut my hours...this added strain of working in constant pain probably has a lot to do with my emotional and mental stability.

Just a bunch of crap

Title says a lot.

Pain sucks. I'm getting more and more depressed and angry at the world, and I find myself isolating myself from family, friends, life. I don't want to be here anymore. At all. I can't remember WHY I should be grateful God worked a miracle in my life. I don't want my husband to touch me. I'm just pissed off in general, and at life especially.

I saw Dr. Jolly today...he wants to do the more radical alcohol procedure...or an implant. I'm not sure how I feel about either. I cried almost the entire trip down, and almost the entire visit, and almost the entire way home, and even while I was walking through Wal-Mart afterwards getting a few things I needed. Everyone was looking at the crazy lady walking down the household cleaners aisle sobbing her heart out.

I hate where I'm at. I'm even having trouble finding any joy in my children. Justin took my hand today and said he loved me...out of the blue, and all I could say in return was "I honestly don't think there's anything about me to love," and pulled my hand away from him. I don't want him to touch me. I don't want my kids to hug me. I hate...me.

Migraine? Or not?

Well fun day at work today...I'm going to go to the doctor tomorrow maybe...I had a TIA (kinda like a mini-stroke) back in 1997...and what happened today somewhat reminded me of that. I've had a migraine for DAYS...today it suddenly got so bad, and my vision "halved"...and I kept trying to throw up. Shortly afterwards the migraine became just an annoying dull throbbing, easily handled...but I was slurring my words, having trouble keeping my eyes open, and had NO equilibrium at all. If another associate hadn't caught me, I would have ended up on the floor. I had to sit down for almost 2 hours. I'm still...well its like I'm drunk...you know how when you're buzzing/drunk, and you turn your head and it takes your vision a second to catch up? Like its slightly behind? That's kinda how I feel.

Guess I'll get off my duff...

and take my baby to the park. She wants to go to the zoo, but I can't drive that far today. I was up until 5 this morning, and she woke me up at 6:30. I don't see how she could be so hyper and full of energy when she was up most of the night! But...she is. She's running in place right now while watching Mike and Sully run from Randall in Monster's Inc. Kids.

I'm so comfy...laying here in the recliner in my nightshirt, a kitten asleep on my knees, playing on the internet...oh well. She wants to play and its not raining yet (its stormed every day for the past couple weeks) so I'm going to go take her to have fun.

Course I gotta shower first...and shave my legs. It'd never do to go out all European with and with spikey hair and racoon eyes (since I was too tired last night to take my makeup off). Course, maybe I could start a new fashion ;)

"Being Poor"

One of the ladies on my board posted a link to a blog post called Being Poor. Its a long list of what "poor" people go through on a daily basis. I wanted to post a big post about it, but it would have started a huge controversy on my board, because there are a few folks who live for nothing more than to point out to everyone why they're racist, bigots, insensitive, etc...nevermind that their own comments while they're pointing this out are pretty damned hurtful too. So I'll post my thoughts here instead.

Growing up I was blessed with parents that would do any job, no matter how menial, when my dad would get laid off a lot. He was an oilfield worker, and his rigs kept getting stacked, until he made crane operator...then even if the rig got stacked, he still had a job. I also had family that helped out (and we always helped them when we were able) so I always had clothes and never knew things were tight.

That blog entry didn't make me cry. Guess I'm the cold-hearted one. Most of the things on that list I was thinking "yep, done that...yup, been there". All it did was make me thankful that while some things on the list STILL apply for me, I'm in a position now where I am able to get a few "luxuries" that I never had the opportunity for before I met Justin.

When I left my first husband, he refused to pay child support in an effort to "win" me back I guess...I'm not really sure why and I was never able to pursue the matter, since I had no money for a lawyer so I could go to court for a separation child support maintenance order. I got WIC and commodities for the kids, went to Salvation Army and Christian Services for their weekly and monthly "grocery boxes", and fed the kids whatever food I could beg or borrow. I myself was a restaurant manager and worked EVERY day so that I could use my one free meal a day to feed myself. All of my money went to bills and the largest chunk to daycare. It cost almost as much for daycare for my kids as I made in a week after taxes. My car, which I was so proud of when I'd bought it (and it only had 5 months and it was paid off) was repo'd and there was nothing I could do about it. I was insanely happy to have starved myself down from a size 12 to a size 4 so that I could wear all the pre-pregnancy clothes I had. My mother had to buy clothes for my kids. Their Christmases were thanks to Angel Tree. I applied for food stamps, I applied for welfare, and was turned down because I was still married (but had been separated for 3 years) and even though he lived in another freaking state, they wouldn't help me. The lady said it was because I was the wrong race. I didn't believe that for a long time until I saw some of my employees who I KNEW were on welfare driving brand new cars...and heard them bragging about their $800 A MONTH in food stamps. I went to Legal Aid for assistance in getting my divorce (I couldn't afford a lawyer) and THEY wouldn't help me for the same reasons (my household income was too high, even though my spouse didn't LIVE in my household so his salary should NOT have been a consideration). At the time, I was making $250-275 a week before taxes and receiving no child support. The ONLY aid I had was $398 a month in SSI payments Jared got for his epilepsy, and that stopped after 2 years because I was honest about it when he stopped having seizures.

I never want to go back there, and pray I never have to. I feel for those who still live there, but I can't shed tears for them. I did enough crying for myself.

What's wrong with our country when we spend millions to feed people overseas, and our own citizens are starving themselves? Makes no sense to me and never will. And THAT'S another debate.

MEN...

...the picture should say it all.

Justin's mom has been canning figs the last couple of days. Justin has been helping to pick them, and bought her some sugar and jars so that she'd put up a dozen pints for him. Not us, but him. I asked him to be picking some this weekend, and when I'm off Tuesday I'll try my hand at canning for the first time in my life. No response, other than "Mom would love for you to go up to her kitchen and do it, that way she could help you." Since WHEN have I ever needed help with a freaking recipe? I'm no gourmet cook, but I've almost NEVER had a recipe turn out badly. I have a knack. I just don't particularly care to cook lol.

Here's where the ass part comes in. Last night, he was hinting that he really wants biscuits with his figs (he brought home the dozen pints of figs last night). I was teasing him and saying I was setting my alarm for 9:30. I have to go to work at noon today, so no church for me. In reality I set my alarm for 7:00 so I could get up, tired as I am, and make him some danged biscuits. 7:00 comes and I get up, and...no Justin. Anywhere. I think maybe he ran up the road for something and thankfully I wait around. I do get out the bowl and start hunting up my pastry cutter, after doing my morning stuff in the bathroom. Bekah was being cute and sweet so I stopped to play with her. Finally, at 7:30, I call him. He's on his way back from Hardee's! He went to Hardee's and bought plain biscuits. ARGHHH. So I'm thinking, either I have to get breakfast still for Bekah and me, or just for me.

Yep. He ONLY bought food for himself and Bekah. What an ASS!!! I don't care if he was mad at me (unjustified by the way...this time anyway lol), he could STILL have bought me a sausage biscuit or something.

Yeah, I'm not amused at all.

Is it my own fault?

What a thing to worry about. I finally cornered my manager last night and asked her about CSM, and she said she hadn't made up her mind yet because of something that had happened. Someone (apparently a lot of someones) has been going to her and telling her that *I* said I was going to be the next CSM. I told her what I thought the problem was, and she said that she was still going to interview me again (you interview each time a position opens) but I'm not so sure of the outcome anymore.

Here's where I think I messed up. I trusted 2 CSM's enough to tell them how well I thought my interview had gone when they asked me. I'm pretty sure another CSM overheard me, and I *kinda* trust him too, so didn't worry too much about it, but at the same time he's very tight with my manager, so I'm pretty sure this information may have been misconstrued by him and taken to her. Regardless...I did say I was really confident...and when I talked to her about the CSM position when she changed my schedule for my surgery, I asked her if I "was still..." and she interrupted and said Yes. Now, she was preoccupied, and possibly, very likely, wasn't thinking what *I* was thinking, which was "am I still your choice". I told the CSM's I trusted about this.

Also, another cashier was spreading to EVERYONE that she had a really reliable source, who'd never been wrong, tell her that they'd heard from my manager that I was the next CSM. I walked in the day after the interview, and everyone was congratulating me. It was surreal. I found out they'd all been told by the same cashier, and I went to her. She and I get along, and I was very honest with her and told her I'd had what *I* felt was a great interview, but that nothing had been offered OR accepted, and that while I felt like I had a really good shot at the next position, I also was realistic and knew that someone with more experience could come in at any time and I'd be out the door. When people kept asking me about it, it became somewhat of a running joke, and I was possibly a little too glib or flip or casual in my responses. If you hear something, and then the person you go to and ask isn't categorically denying it...well I could see where that could be interpreted the wrong way. It doesn't mean I like it.

In fact I'm pissed as hell that my comments were taken out of context and presented in a way that I never intended. I can honestly, may God strike me down, say that I NEVER said what my manager told me they were saying I said, but I did allude to it in that I never firmly said "NO, I'm NOT going to be the next CSM."

I'm not sure what to do. I don't think she completely believed me (my word against several) but she indicated I still have a shot at CSM. I've watched my back there...I've been a DARNED hard worker, and I'll toot my own horn and say I've been one of their best, because I have. I have an empathy with the customers that very few of the associates have. I do believe I'm an asset to the company.

I also think this whole misunderstanding is my fault because I was a little careless, and people probably overheard SOME things and filled in the blanks of what they didn't quite hear. I'll definitely be more careful in the future, and they'll then think I'm being bitchy because I'm not talking about ANYTHING LOL. Oh well, you can't win them all.

Yeah, I'm still pissed off about this.

My Country Tis of Thee...

Happy Independence Day America! I love my country...if the National Anthem is playing, I'm standing, saluting, and singing along (even if it is just to myself). I've always been extremely patriotic, and I'm one of those saps that gets all teary-eyed when I see the wind catch the Flag and flutter it out, especially if the National Anthem happens to be playing at the time.

We're a nation that has many liberties and many blessings...I pray for many more for many years to come.

Not that anyone cares...

but yeah, I'm having a crappy week. Hey its only Tuesday...great I have 4 more glorious days to look forward to.

Lets see. Jared is swinging again. We've gotten him back on the Prozac (the doctor said we could wean him off back in May, and he's had a couple episodes, but nothing major). However, the past week I've seen the signs, and a couple nights ago, he came in at 11pm as I was heading out to bed, and we ended up talking until midnight. He's wanting to hurt himself again. He went to the bathroom and I went and woke Justin up and together we talked to him until 1:30 in the morning. He seemed to be better yesterday, but is still down. We started his Prozac back yesterday, so hopefully he'll be feeling better soon. I can't watch him though because he left to go to his dad's for 2 weeks last night. And I didn't get to say goodbye because I got home from work less than 10 min after their dad left with them.

My procedure most definitely did NOT work. There's a slight lessoning of the pain but nothing to write home about. I'm really disappointed and depressed over it. I tried NOT to put too many hopes on this for this exact reason. So now what? They won't do the more radical procedure on me...I won't allow it even if they would. My internal anatomy is NOT the normal anatomy, and I just think it carries too many risks for me personally.

I don't think I'm going to get CSM at work either. I know I was told that I was the leading choice, but that WAS 3 weeks or so ago, and I just feel very negatively about it now. Granted, I'm depressed and paranoid, but I just don't have a warm, fuzzy feeling about it. Its ok, I'll stay in Money Center...I like it there. What I don't like is getting screwed lately on all the closing shifts. The last 3 weeks running, I've been scheduled 3 closing shifts, in relation to everyone else getting 1-2 closing shifts. OK if someone has to have 3, FINE, but rotate it. When I said something, one of the ladies snapped that I didn't close at all the first month, and not to complain now. Um, I didn't close the first month because that wasn't my availability...I opened up my availability and started closing twice a week. However lately, its been 3 times. I'm going to give it until Ana comes back from vacation, and then if I'm still getting the shaft, I'm going to approach my manager and say something. I don't want to cause trouble, but closing, then opening, then closing, then opening, and closing most weekends, is hard on me. I drive farther than anyone else, almost an hour one way, and while its not TOO bad (I get home by 10:30) I do have to get up at 4:30 to be back for 6:30, so that just makes me feel like I'm living at Wal-Mart. I'll figure it out. I'm probably just being crabby anyway.

I don't like feeling this way. I didn't want to blog today..haven't wanted to for a long time. I need to though...I don't want to let it slip, like so many other things in my life. Of course, typing with a kitten who INSISTS on sleeping on my belly, curled up in the crook of one arm, does make things a little difficult (I'm in the recliner on my laptop), but hey, I'll manage. She's too cute to move when she's all sweet and purring and snoring. She even has a little paw tucked up around her ears, just like a kid when they sleep. OK Kiki is good for me, she's making me smile. So even though none of my kids are here for the next couple weeks, I'll survive. Life isn't bad.