Another rough day :(

Ugh. I haven't posted in ages. I haven't felt like much of anything. I started my bipolar meds and its been up and down. Today has been rough. This afternoon I was browning ground beef for supper and a spice jar fell off the back of the stove and made a loud racket, and I lost it...just started screaming. I had to go outside and sit on the (very damp) porch until I calmed down enough to go back in and face the kids. The last thing I wanted to do was scare them or hurt them, so I just removed myself from the situation. It still scares me how I can be totally fine one minute, a raving lunatic the next, and fine five minutes after that.

AF is late too. I was supposed to get it last Tuesday, so I'm officially a week late today. I tested twice, once Friday night and once Sunday, and both were negative, so I figure its just stress, but just in case I'm going to get checked out. Just a little background...since 2001 I've been irregular at best, and had AF totally nonexistant for two years. After the liver resection, I still didn't get it back, but finally in May it reappeared, and was on time 3 times in a row. So to miss it now is suspect. I'm praying the cancer hasn't come back...the surgeon told us in July to prepare ourselves because it would come back.

I haven't talked about my cancer here...I just haven't felt led to yet. Of course, I haven't talked about much really...and its not like anyone will read it anyway...it just makes me feel better to get it out there.

I'm very scared most of the time now. I still can't sleep well, although I am getting a little more since going back on my meds. I'm having a lot of chest pain too...went to see a cardiologist at Dr. Long's urging yesterday. The only reason I went was because Dr. Long urged me to get checked out when he felt the mass in my chest, and in less than 3 weeks I was under the knife with a cancerous tumor. Joy.

Please Lord, don't let the cancer come back...at least not right now. I've been pretty strong this year, all things considering, and I feel like I will literally fracture into pieces if I get thrown another curve health-wise. I'm just trying to hold it all together.