It's my own fault

I know better...I really do. After 7 years together, I SHOULD know better at any rate. Its so hard to read Justin sometimes. If I try to plan something special, or specifically ask for something, he gets upset because I don't let him surprise me. If I'm subtle about it, then he misses the point completely, and gets upset because I expect him to be psychic.

I don't want to whine, or moan, or complain, I really don't. I have a great many things to be thankful for. But I've spent the morning in tears, and I need an outlet. I've locked myself in the bathroom, and later in my van, so I could cry without anyone seeing or hearing. I had myself a good old fashioned screaming crying jag out in the van because no one could hear me, and it did make me feel better. I've probably needed to really "lose" it for a very long time. I don't think I've LOST it since before my surgery and all that ordeal last year. I still didn't completely lose it, as the kids were jumping on the trampoline and Jared realized I was in the van and came over, so I had to dry it up fast. You know, I need to go off by myself I think and just scream for a while.

I have today and tomorrow off. I requested this weekend off way back at Christmas to ensure I'd get it. All week I've asked Justin what he'd like to do. I told him what *I* wanted to do and then dropped it at that so that I wouldn't be TELLING him what we were GOING to do since he hates that most of the time. Apparently this time, he wanted me to write it on a 2x4 and whack him upside the head with it. He's upset with me that he "failed" me and didn't plan anything. He got really upset when I told him that all week, I felt like he was being deliberately obtuse (I'm sure he has no good idea what that word means) about the weekend, and I felt like he was being that way in order to surprise me. BOY was I wrong. I told him in a nice way (for me) and he stormed off to the back of the trailer, saying "I had something for you Kandy, but its for YOU not everyone!" and I was starting to cook breakfast, and I just lost it, so I went out the back door, around the trailer, and got into my van and cried for a bit. Then I came back in and finished cooking (for them...they love French toast...I hate it) and realized he was scrubbing my tub. So now I know what he got me for Mother's Day. At least something from Bath and Body Works in the Moonlight Path scent since its my favorite. I'm sure its bubble bath, and maybe he got some shower gel for me too...who knows. I've been out of both for months and been using Walmart brands that I don't care for nearly as much. OK fine, I've asked and asked for it, so its good right?

Wrong. This is why I'm hating myself right now, and why I'm mad at him. My "gift" was the weekend off. I didn't want anything other than a card from him and the kids (and I had to TELL him to take the kids to buy cards for me yesterday). Mother's Day isn't a big day for me as far as gift-giving goes. Its just not a huge deal. Sure, I always try to get Mom something, and I always buy for Justin and Dad on Father's Day, but as far as *I* go, I just don't care too much. What I wanted this weekend was to spend the weekend with my family, but NOT at home. I wanted to get outside and do something. Set up the pool if its not leaking...go to Vicksburg...go to a water park...go to the beach. I hinted and hinted, and came right out and SAID what I wanted to do in Vicksburg. All to no avail. I didn't want a GIFT! I wanted...time.

So once again, Justin will do his laundry, and find something to do outside. When we were at Walmart last night, he made sure to buy a garden sprayer to work on the fence row. I'll sit inside and play on the computer a little, or go outside and lay on the swing and read. The kids will be off in their own little video game/DVD worlds. This is my fault. I don't have the energy to be creative around here, and I've been so depressed at home, I don't want to even try to be creative here at home. I wanted to go DO something. Nothing expensive...the trip to Vicksburg would have cost us gas and a loaf of bread and a bag of ice for the ice chest. I can't expect we'll go tomorrow because oh my, we just HAVE to go to church in the morning (not upset about that) and then we'll HAVE to have dinner at his mother's house. If I cook here, it'll upset her immensely...and she does help us out a ton by keeping Bekah for us.

I really didn't want to post anything sad or angry anytime soon...but I'm having a very bad day...and it really is my own fault.