Has it really been over a month??

Wow how time flies when you're having fun...and when you're not having fun...

The job is going well. It was really hard at first, getting my body used to working again, but I'm into the swing of things now and for the most part I enjoy my job. The people are nice and I've done very well fitting in and exceeding expectations :)

Dick, my stepdad, died suddenly last week...Wednesday, December 6th. None of us were expecting it, and Mom is still somewhat in a state of shock I think. She's holding up well but worried and anxious about the future. I think she's going to pull through just fine...she's the Minister of Music at the church that she and Dick were helping to found, and that has really served to help her keep busy.

I miss Dick. When I was so sick in March and April, all I had to do was ask Mom to call Dick and tell him I wanted him there for my next surgery, and he'd be down within a couple hours, spending the night on that uncomfortable little couch in my hospital room. He was a truly righteous man, and I know he's in Heaven now...but we miss him so much :( His funeral was beautiful...full military honors.

I'm getting over the flu...apparently I got it from someone at the funeral. I'm proud though, I didn't miss a single day of work, even though I haven't been able to speak above a whisper since Thursday night lol. I took Bekah to the doctor Monday, and she confirmed that we both had the flu. Thank God for Tamiflu.

That's basically all I've been doing...I go to work, come home, sleep, go to work, come home, sleep...you get the picture. I was able to buy Christmas for Justin and the kids and I'm so happy about that. Justin is stressing because he has 3 presents under the tree from me and doesn't have a clue what to get me, nor does he think he'll have the money. I've hinted around at what I'd like...one of the massage cushions like his Mom has...a new Betty Crocker cookbook (mine is 7-9 years old and I need a new one)...Bath and Body Works gift set (Moonlight Path, my favorite scent). I'm not hard to please...there's nothing I really need, and nothing I really WANT all that badly. I just want my family to enjoy their Christmas...

So anyway...I'll try to keep up with this better now that I'm doing well at work and feel like I can have a life again :)

I got a job!!!

Yippee! I was so stressing over finances Wednesday, and that evening I got a call from Walmart wanting me to come interview. I went Thursday, and even though the experience itself was a nightmare (I don't even want to get into it, but it took over 4 hours!), they offered me $9.20 an hour to cashier. That's INSANE money down here. I go for orientation next Friday. They wanted me Tuesday but I have an appointment with my surgeon on Tuesday that I can't change.

SO now I'll be able to buy Christmas for my kids. I'm not going to be making a huge amount of money after gas, taxes, and tithes, but any extra will help, not to mention the discount will also help.

I'm excited :)

What a slacker!!!

I've been slacking. I admit it. I've thought several times about blogging over the past couple weeks, but I just didn't feel "up to it." Likely excuse...the fact is I've been in a funk and didn't want to just blog about poor pitiful me. Although I'm not the only one who's been slacking on the blog *coughTenacough*!

Justin had a bit of a nervous breakdown the other night...terrified the heck out of me. He was nasty to me quite a bit, and it really hurt because he never realized he was doing it. Its so out of character for him. Finances just suck...we're in a real bind.

What hurt most was seeing him lose it a bit. He is my rock...my foundation. He keeps me stable...when I'm having wild mood swings or feeling like I want to cut again, he's always there for me, always stabilizing me. Suddenly HE needed something, and I couldn't give it because I was feeling so lost myself.

We got through it and are doing better. We've made some changes financially in our lives...we're cutting back to one cellphone...we cut the satellite off and put up a tv antenna (that doesn't work half the time for some reason even though its a brand new 120-mile antenna). We're pulling Bekah out of daycare, and I cried most of the day yesterday about it. Even Justin was upset after he talked to them about it and they were SO understanding. My mother in law will keep her and "teach" her...she's delayed with her language and understanding, and daycare has really helped her by leaps and bounds, but with me not working, it just isn't an option anymore. MIL is insisting on having her in the mornings until at least after lunch each day...I'm not real sure how I feel about that, because I'll have to go pick her up, and I just haven't felt up to dealing with MIL the past few weeks. She's a good person...we just kind of clash with our ideas and such.

I've been having another health issue the past few days...but don't want to get into it here, if ever lol. Its one of those TMI situations that I just don't want to deal with. My sleep schedule is out of whack too, and I need to get back onto a decent schedule.

I'm feeling really guilty about sitting out of church the past few weeks too. I've been feeling so rotten and having so much pain, and I've been using it as an excuse. I need to get back to God...I've been feeling distant from Him lately and that's part of my problem.

So. I'm a slacker. I really gotta fix that. OH and I'm honest enough to admit that PART of the reason I've been slacking is that I've been spending a LOT of time playing WoW. Last night and this morning though I just couldn't get into playing...so the blahs and slacking have spread over even into that. I need to get motivated and get out and do something. I need to go back to work. I need to do SOMETHING. I really want to feel better, and soon. So it's time I did something about it.

Almost 5 years...

Almost 5 years. Five years of what, you might ask? Five years of being part of a community that has come to mean so much to me. On February 1, 2002, we conceived our little Bekah Boo. I found out on February 27...my 32nd birthday. I was so excited, and the first thing I did was go onto Parents Place at iVillage and find the October 2002 Expecting Club and introduce myself.

The board was so full of drama I almost left a few times, but I stuck it out. You put a couple hundred pregnant, hormonal women together, and there's bound to be SOME drama. Oh the times we had...

We went through a rough time with people leaving because they hated the new board format that iVillage switched to in March 2003. I hated it too but I stuck it out as long as I could. Finally, when I saw that there was no way we were going to be able to maintain our wonderful core group, I went to ezboard and created the board there, and we've been together on it ever since.

I've had disagreements with some of the members, and I've cried with some of the members. I've met a very few of them and treasured the meeting. I've talked with quite a few on the phone. I've agonized and sympathized. And I was stunned at the outpouring of love and support, not to mention the PRAYERS, that I was blessed with when I was in the hospital for 45 days and battling cancer and fighting for my life. Knowing I had so many people praying for me and supporting me meant the world to me and I KNOW it helped me make it through.

I find myself thinking back to a time before I was pregnant with Bekah, before I found this wonderful community of ladies, and it just stuns me. I feel like we've been together forever...my best friends are on this board, though I doubt they realize I look at them that way.

God blessed me when He gave Bekah to me...and He blessed me when He helped me find my board.

A great night last night!

Last night was a good night...I gave in and took a darvocet. Then I felt nauseated and was trying not to throw up, so I took a phenergen. A couple hours later I took another darvocet (I can have 2 every 6 hours). Finally around 11p.m. I lay down to try to sleep, and I slept all night. I woke up hurting, but the pain was alleviated for most of the night, and that's a good thing. My doctor's nurse was adamant yesterday that I should take the pills when I'm hurting, so that's one reason I gave in.

I had to turn the heat on this morning...fall is finally here. We had a cold front move through last night. Personally I don't need the heat, but Bekah does. I don't want my baby getting sick. I like the cooler weather though. Its always such a relief.

Justin and his dad are picking up the tin for our porch roof this morning. I'm SO excited about having a real roof up there instead of a tarp. He'll probably be working all today on getting it installed, but that's ok. My porch will officially be FINISHED!!!

Happy Birthday to my Baby

Today my "baby" turns 4 years old. Technically it's about 7 hours from now, but who wants to be technical! I'm thrilled that she's such a big girl, but sad too because she's my last child. Still, she was a miracle to begin with, and we've been so blessed to have her.

We had her birthday party last night. There was a strong Dora theme...all but one of her presents was Dora of some sort lol. She had a Dora cake, Dora cups, plates and napkins, and Dora is sleeping in her bed with her right now.

Happy birthday Rebekah Karan...know that you are greatly loved by us all :)

It gets old!

Pain that is...I was doing better today, although woozy a lot when I got up this morning so I went back to bed until around 10:30 and the wooziness wasn't nearly as bad when I got up then. I've taken it easy today, trying to make sure I don't overdo it. I fixed the chicken and rice (for supper) at 3:30 and covered it and left it on the stove to put in later (it takes an hour and a half total cook time). At 4:30 I got up, went in, put the dish in the oven, and was about to fry up the bacon for the green beans when the pain hit me with a vengeance. I doubled over and hollered "OH" before I could stop myself, and Jared dropped his book and came running. I hate that I did that in front of him. He's my kid, not my doctor or my servant, and I hate worrying him. Long story a tad bit shorter, HE fried up the bacon for me. All I did was add the green beans and water.

Still...supper is in progress and its ok for me to take it easy right now. I'll get up in about 20 minutes and make the biscuits and put those in to bake when I take the tin foil off the chicken and rice. Then the family will be taken care of and I can rest easier. Thank goodness I planned an easy supper tonight!

I'm afraid I'm in a rut with my health. I was doing and feeling so much better, and all of September and October I've been in and out of hospitals and doctors' offices. I THINK I'm better, but you couldn't tell it by my symptoms. The worst is this chronic pain. I've heard of people having chronic pain, but never thought it'd happen to me. I'm not even sure if this is what's wrong with me...all I know is that I hurt all the time and its REALLY affecting my moods. Try being bipolar and dealing with those issues and then have constant, nagging pain thrown in on top of that!

I want to wrestle with my kids again. I want to jump on the trampoline with them again. I want to PLAY with them. This isn't just robbing me, its robbing my children and that pisses me off more than anything else.

PAIN!

I'm sick and tired of hurting. August was great, I was in no pain for a while. Now the pain is back and no one can explain why. My surgeon back in March told me that you could do a hundred needle biopsies and have them all come back negative and completely miss the cancer, so I'm feeling a little down about that as well.

My guts are all in the wrong place, as are the rest of my organs. My liver regrew weird and its caused everything to be pushed around and I actually have a partially collapsed right lung because of all of it. I guess that explains the shortness of breath.

People have commented on my cheerful, positive attitude through all of this. I'm not feeling so cheerful or positive today. I'm tired of the doctors getting EXCITED when they review my case, and then they proclaim me to be a "unique" case. I can see them mentally rubbing their hands together in glee because they get to experiment with something new.

I'm disgusted by it all, and even more so by my attitude today. I don't like being this way...I feel mean and petty and that pisses me off even more. UGH.

Long time no posting...

Wow...its been almost a month since I blogged. A lot has happened...and yet not much has changed. I've been in and out of the hospitals in Hattiesburg and New Orleans, and I feel pretty despondent about a lot of it.

Good news...I had another liver biopsy and it was negative. Cancer is gone for good I hope and pray, but there's always the chance of a recurrence, so I have to be vigilant.

I think I'm addicted to IV drugs. I'm not sure but I think I am. In the hospital I could have as much as I wanted (with time restraints of course) and I got all that I could. I have the same drugs here at home and I never touch them, but it really disturbs me how I hit the drugs in the hospital. I don't want to have an addiction, but I know I have an addictive personality. My paternal grandmother was addicted to every pain killer she could get her hands on. That's one reason I've always been hesitant to use pain killers. However lately I find myself hitting them every time I'm in the hospital. Maybe its because I've been in so much pain so often lately...I pray that's the reason. I have hope because I HAVEN'T touched the pain killers that I have here at home. I keep the bottles where I see them every day...its almost like a badge of honor for me to see them constantly but not use them.

Maybe I'm just messed up...there's a good reason LOL.

BLAH day!

Today is a blah day. It started out well enough...I woke up with much less pain than I'd had all weekend. I was able to get up, shower, and get ready for church. It was nice getting back into church today, although I was hurting again before the sermon was half over. I spent the weekend drugged up because of the pain, so I slept most of the weekend away. I've fought sleep all afternoon because I'm hoping for a restful sleep tonight if possible.

Why did the pain come back? Is it something embarrassingly simple, like gas? Probably. Of course, AF was over a week late again (she arrived last night with no fanfare however), and AF being late and then disappearing was my first real "symptom" of my liver cancer. So who knows what's really going on? All I know is that I hurt, I have no answers, and I'm crabby because of it. My feelings are easily bruised, I'm fighting urges to cut myself again, and I just want to SLEEP and keep sleeping, but people wake me up constantly.

Today has actually been good sleeping weather...its been rainy and thunderstorming off and on all day...its overcast...its just great sleeping weather. I wish I could have taken advantage of it!

WoW (World of Warcraft)

The same friend who cursed me with my Neopets addiction also convinced me that WoW is a really great game...I finally got it (before my old laptop fried) but today is the first time in over 2 weeks of owning the game that I've gotten to play it. My free trial was only for 30 days, so I have less than 2 weeks to figure out if I want to continue to play. The problem is money...I have a new laptop to pay for and sadly enough I doubt if I can afford the $15 a month to play.

So far its a fun game. I made a human priest on Wildhammer server named Khandei (cute huh?), and I also have a gnome mage on Onyxia server named Rinandra (I let the game pick the name). I haven't gotten to play Khandei yet because the server went down for patching as I was logging in, but I've spent about an hour playing Rinandra, and so far I really like it. Its very similar to EverQuest but of course since I don't know how to do much yet its still a bit confusing. If I continue with it, I'll be making a binder (or several) like I did with EQ...maps, equipment, quests, etc. Its simpler than EQ, but the graphics are truly awesome. Maybe its my new laptop that make the graphics seem awesome...either way it looks great :lol

The only real downside I can see right now is money. I'll have to figure that one out if I decide to keep playing. Speaking of money...Movie Gallery is hiring...its only minimum wage but I could work while the kids are in school, have free rentals, and make a little spending money...so I may put in my application. I really hate to work for minimum wage...but its hard to find a job paying more with flexible hours I suppose.

Off to frag some more troggs ;-)

Ups and Downs

Ups and downs. Life is full of them. So why is it that when I have a day full of mostly ups, I can only remember the downs? Only the downs really affect me...

Today I went back to the doctor to find out about the new mass in my liver. Great news...its gone...all my labs looked great...he doesn't want to see me until December. That's just awesome right?

Then a friend was having a bad day...I teased her and she called me a fucker. True, it was probably an attempt at humor because she was really having a rough go of it, but it just totally rubbed me the wrong way. I'm letting it go because I know I'M not right at the moment, and I need to just back away. But it did hurt.

Enough of that. I have a new Dell. It came yesterday. Its awesome but HUGE and heavy. What did I expect...I ordered it as a desktop replacement and loaded the sucker out. The Sims 2 runs awesomely on it...and I think WoW will too as soon as I finish patching it (only about 20 hours to go lmao). I can't wait to play WoW. I had a 30 day free trial and its over half over and I have YET to get to play *sigh* So anyway, I have this awesome new laptop and I feel too guilty to enjoy it. What's up with that? I know pride is a sin, and I can't help but feel a bit proud over it. Maybe that's the problem?

I spent some time in the College library this afternoon. There's a free wireless high speed connection, and I was using it to patch WoW. I wanted to look busy so I grabbed a history book off a nearby shelf and started "taking notes" out of it. I ended up taking an entire page of notes on the history of Alaska because I got engrossed in it. I want to go back to school SO BAD. But honestly...I'm not going to have a full-time job outside of the home anymore. Justin is IT. I'll never leave him and we're going to be together forever. Having gone through a divorce and quite a few rough patches with Justin, I can say this honestly. The only outside work I'll be doing will be just to keep me sane and maybe for a little extra money. So what good would going back to school do me? It'd just be a waste of money. It'd feel so good to have my degree though...something related to history and archaeology...that's why I think anthropology would be right up my alley!

Anyway...just a pipe dream...

9-11

I think I'm the weird American. Remembering 9-11 doesn't make me tear up. I'm not afraid to fly or travel on 9-11. Its just another date to me now, 5 years later. Am I a bad person? I sure hope not.

I haven't forgotten...far from it. But I'm not going to be fake and act all touched or upset over the date. It didn't directly affect me. I watched it all...it was so shocking...and I cried a little at the time. I think some of the security precautions implemented since then just make good plain sense.

I think remembering the date, honoring the fallen, is fine. But I wonder if too much emphasis has been placed on it. I feel like getting all emotional or vigilant on 9-11 isn't productive. Why can't we be emotional and vigilant the rest of the year? Are terrorists really going to strike again on another 9-11? Only they know when and where they'll strike next...which is why we should worry less about the date and more about our security in general.

I suppose 9-11 will forever be a rallying cry, much like "Remember the Alamo!" was. I will never forget where I was or what I was doing that day...but I don't think about it ONLY on 9-11 or around this time of year...I think of it any time I pass an airport or think of flying somewhere. I pay more attention now to those around me. AND I think I'm rambling now since my meds are kicking in and I'm drowsy.

So...more on a later date.

A New Dell!!!

Woo hoo! I ordered a new Dell last night...it should be here on September 21 if all goes well. I can NOT wait! The auto/air adapter won't ship until October 4 though...what's up with THAT?

So specs...its an Inspiron...dual processors, 2GB memory, 120GB hard drive, 256mg video card, 17" reallllllly nice widescreen display...all in all its a fully loaded, very nice laptop. I can't wait until it gets here...but a little part of me is hoping Justin can fix my old laptop when he gets home. I'd love the new laptop (and it may be too late to cancel it) but I hate to see my old laptop just get thrown away. Sentimental I suppose...

Mom took Bekah to daycare for me today...she's staying with me while Justin is in Houston. We've been pretty busy the past couple days...its really helped me a lot. I've been so down and depressed that I've needed the distraction.

Had a worrisome doctor visit yesterday...I think that I'll post about that later...I'm not feeling up to it right now and I'm pretty sleepy too!

Sleepless Somewhere in America...

I know there are others out there like me. Somewhere, there are people hunched in the dark over a glowing monitor, trying desperately to pass time until their body gives out and they pass out from sheer exhaustion. I've been sleeping so well lately, but tonight...well I've given up.

My laptop went FIZZZT today at some point. I got home around 6 p.m. and it wouldn't turn on and smelled funny. The desktop has seen better days. We can't afford a new computer or laptop, and I'm on borrowed time (literally) right now in regards to PC's. I'm freaking out a little because the computer and internet are literally a lifeline for me. We'll see how this experiment ends I suppose.

Bekah is asleep in my bed right now. She's so sweet. Tonight Justin sang to her when she went to bed (over the phone) and she grinned from ear to ear, and kissed and hugged the phone. Taking her to and from school this week is a challenge, but we'll manage. She's doing so well we don't want her to fall behind. I just hope I can stay awake for the drive!

I'm going to try to get some sleep...probably won't happen. I had several things I wanted to blog about tonight but danged if they didn't just slip right on our of my mind. Oh well. At least I have a mind, slippery though it may be at times :)

OUCH!

I'm so smart I amaze myself sometimes. Really. Why, you ask? Well, allow me to elaborate on my remarkable intelligence.

I'm pretty sure I pulled my groin. I took off running through the house, for NO reason other than I felt like it. I immediately felt a burning pain in my groin and pulled up, limping the rest of the way to my bedroom. It now hurts even when I'm not moving my leg. I've pulled a muscle there before, and this pretty much feels like that. I sure hope Justin isn't expecting a grand send-off for his trip tomorrow...'cause it ain't happening the way I'm feeling right now!

I've decided not to go. I'd like to...but at the same time Justin has applied for a new, better position, an actual NASA job instead of just a contractor job, and many of the people who'll be making the decision will be at the conference next week. The last thing I want is for them to question his work ethics...they know that in addition to the conference and the presentations he has to give there, that he has projects going on here that he'll be having to monitor and keep up with. If I'm there, it might give the impression that he's being less than diligent...and this new job would change our lives so drastically...it'd be an extra $1000 a month before taxes...we could pay off our loan sooner...we could get him the new truck he so desperately needs...oh so many things, especially our house we want to build!

So I'm going to stay here and miss him and concentrate on the kids and hope that they and Mom will distract me from missing him too badly. I'm not sure why I'm freaking out at the thought of him going away for a week...he left for NY in April, after I got back from the hospital, and I was fine. Maybe its because our relationship has been so much better lately? Who knows...at any rate, I will miss him, and can't wait for next Friday so he'll be HOME.

My crotch hurts.

Bad week, so-so day...

Whew...I'm so glad this week is officially over tomorrow. Its been a rough one! Where to begin?

I've been down all week...really really down. I missed my meds last Wednesday and last Friday, and while I took them Saturday and Sunday, Monday and Tuesday just kept getting worse. Wednesday I cut up my left arm again...and yesterday I cut up my left leg above the knee. Justin is understandably frustrated, and doesn't want to leave me next week but has to for work. He'll be gone all week...but my mom is staying with me...between her and the .9mm (which I'm an expert shot with) I'll be pretty safe.

Why do I cut myself? I don't like pain...when I realize what I'm doing I stop, but at the same time I have this morbid fascination with the blood. I like to see it welling up in drops and then coalescing into a solid red line. It makes me feel good when I see it. I just don't understand ME sometimes, and it worries me. I want people to like me...I AM a nice person...I just have a few problems with my own self-image.

Part of me wants to go with Justin next week very badly...and part of me wants to stay here. I don't know what to do. Mom will take care of getting me there...I'd ride the train most likely...but I think Justin really isn't crazy about me going either. Who knows?? I certainly don't. I want to go...but I don't want to piss Justin off. I think I could really use the relaxation...being in a fancy hotel with nowhere I have to be and no specific time I HAVE to get up would be lovely...I imagine I could sleep the day away and finally get caught up on my rest.

Maybe I'll get to go...it sure would be nice...

Today was busy...Mom and Dick came so we could go to Grandparents' Day at Bekah's school. Her little program was so adorable. Then we ate lunch with Justin at McDonald's (Bekah's choice) and did a smidgen of shopping at Walmart. Then back to the house for some rest, and then Mom and I cooked supper together (that was really nice). After supper we all went to the high school football game. Katie was singing the National Anthem tonight...it was so great...she had a great position on the field and we could hear her belting out the lyrics over the other kids.

I'm tired, going to TRY to get some sleep. Here's hoping anyway!

Hot pink robe and a dirt road!

What a morning! I sat on the porch to watch the kids off this morning...usually I sit out there in my pajamas or night shirt because with the "roof" up no one can see me...this morning it was slightly nippy so I put my robe on. Thank goodness for small favors!

Katie came back in to get her jacket, and on her way back out she managed to lock the door. So I'm locked out, barefoot and wearing just a thin nightshirt and a fuzzy hot pink robe. I told Katie to ask the bus driver to stop at my FIL's (father-in-law) house and ask them to come let me in (they have a spare key). I saw them stop...and then I heard the bus honking and pull off, so I wasn't quite sure if she was successful at waking FIL or not. I waited and waited...then I found an old pair of Justin's shoes outside the door, and put them on and started walking up the dirt road. Halfway there (1/2 a mile) I saw FIL's truck pull out and come my way. I was slightly embarrassed so to cover it I flashed a little leg and stuck my thumb out. FIL didn't miss a beat and acted like he lost control of the truck from my leg flashing LOL.

Long story a little shorter...he had the spare key and I was able to get back inside. Thank you Lord. I must have been a sight though...I hadn't even brushed my hair yet so I had "bed head" on top of the fashion statement I was making. Thank goodness no cars came until AFTER I'd gotten into FIL's truck...

My bedroom is finished, furniture-wise. I still have to organize stuff...I piled boxes of clothes and junk in the bathroom where I'd HAVE to do something with it...so today I'm going to work on that. I'm rewarding myself with computer time because I earned it after the morning I had LOL. That and I didn't get online much at all yesterday and I worked all day on my room.

The laptop IS having a few glitches now...apparently the floppy and DVD drive are both shot :( Oh well, it could be much worse!!

CLUTTER!!!!!

I'm still sick...thus the lack of a blog entry the past few days. I hate being sick. I really do. Yet I don't like to go to doctors too much. I can't seem to shake this infection this time though, so I guess I'll be going back to the family doctor on Tuesday (the only day he's in next week).

So I'm a clutterbug. I hate it, I really do...yet I can't stop COLLECTING stuff. Its gotten REALLY bad after my house burned in 1999. I lost a lot of things, and since then I get physically ill when I throw something away that I "might need" later. I'm talking vomiting and intense stomach pain here, not just a general feeling of malaise or anything.

So I've been trying to get motivated to do something about it, and my friend Lynnae said something that inspired me the other day. We were talking about something, and she mentioned rewards. I'd never thought about rewarding myself! I like to play Neopets...I like to post on my board...I like to chat...I like to play games...I like to do all sorts of things with the computer.

So I kept thinking about it and decided to do something about it. I took pictures of my room before we started last night, and I'll post them here later (I'll edit this post to do it). We weren't able to do anything today because Justin was at the hospital with his mom most of the day (hopefully she'll be fine...they hospitalized her with severe chest pains and shortness of breath and are running a bunch of tests). Last night we got the bed moved to where the dresser was, and today Justin brought in two shelving units for me to put books and my laptop and cables and things on. Tomorrow we should be able to get the rest of the room done...we're going to put the dresser in front of the bed, where the chest of drawers and desk are now...we're going to put the chest of drawers where the TV is now (in the corner by the bathroom door)...we're going to take out the desk completely and put the TV in that corner where the desk is. I'm going to put my sewing machine on the bottom shelf and just take it to the kitchen table when I want to sew (few and far between since I'm still learning how!).

Oh yeah...my laptop is ok!!! I left it "open" while I went to the bathroom, and I had a full glass of coke next to it. I came back in time to see Bekah knock the glass over into the laptop...FREAK OUT TIME. I grabbed the laptop, turned it upside down on the table, ran and got a towel, spread that on the floor and then put the laptop upside down (opened up) on the towel then cleaned up the rest of the mess. After I was sure it had pretty much dried out, I took it apart and cleaned the stickies with alcohol and q-tips. I was afraid to do too much too it. I took the battery out and made sure it was cleaned too, and then crossed my fingers and turned it on. It works!!! It seems to have no glitches at all...praise the Lord!

So anyway...hopefully tomorrow my clutter will be less. I have a chore chart that I've never done for more than a day or two at a time, but I'm thinking now that if I get my "chores" done each day, and get supper prepared or ready to be prepared, I'll be able to reward myself with playing on the computer or reading a chapter of a book, and keep myself motivated. I've been really depressed lately, and I'm ready to try anything, that's for SURE!

Thanks Lynnae :-)

I'm sick...

and it sucks. Yesterday and today I've run fever, had a terrible sore throat, and feel like a truck ran over my head.

My wonderful, dear friend Tena was online at 2:20a.m. and suggested hot chocolate. My throat still hurts but the hot chocolate is soothing it somewhat and seems to have helped my earaches a little too.

Summer colds are the worst...

Mamaw...

Mamaw has alzheimers. She's had it for years, and is pretty much nonresponsive most of the time now. We found out yesterday that she's had several strokes and is paralyzed on the left side also.

Vida Mae is her name. She turned 90 this past April, while I was in the hospital. She helped raise me, and has been the stable force in my life. I love this woman so much. She's petite...she could never claim to be taller than 5 feet. When I was younger she was plump and had a huge bosom that was perfect for resting your head against when you had a booboo and she'd cuddle you to make you feel better. She called it "petting". When I came home from the 90-91 Gulf War, I climbed up on the couch beside her, laid my head in her lap, and asked her to "pet" me. I was 21 years old lol.

Mamaw taught me how to sew doll dresses, how to crochet, how to cook cornbread when I was 5 years old, how to tell time with a paper clock she made for me, how to read, write, and do simple math, all before I started grade school. When I was sick with pneumonia in 4th grade and missed 52 days of school straight, she forced me to eat cornmeal mush (I'd been throwing up everything) and not only did it "stick" but it was good!! She encouraged my imagination in so many small ways. She had WONDERFUL ghost stories (that she swore were true, and we've never known her to lie), wonderful poems and songs to share with us. She taught me to spell Mississippi when I was 3 (M-I-crooked letter-crooked letter-I-crooked letter-crooked letter-I-humpback-humpback-I), Huckleberry Pie (H you huckle B you buckle Huckleberry Pie!). She never criticized me, but wouldn't hesitate to discipline me. I feared her sharp thumbnail in church, and her wire flyswatter at home!

She taught me to eat rice with butter and milk. Yes, milk...like a broth. Its good! She taught me to sprinkle sugar over freshly sliced strawberries and then cover them with milk for another tasty treat. She bought snowballs for me. She made dolls for me out of corn husks and silk to keep me out of her hair when she was shucking fresh corn from my Aunt Bertha's farm. She took me all over the south-central Mississippi countryside, showing me various "local landmarks", graveyards, haunted houses. We used to ramble for hours on end. She taught me how to find good bargains at garage sales (she called them "garbage sales").

When I was overseas in the first Gulf War, she baked a fruitcake for me and sent it to me, having to pay $22 for shipping because it was so heavy. It fermented on the way over because she doused it with wine to "preserve" it. I sold 1 inch squares for $5 a pop hehe. She wrote me funny, encouraging letters, and didn't laugh at my attempts at "comic strip" stories to show what I'd been up to each week. The comics were drawn with stick figures. Last year, when we moved Mamaw into Mom's house, I found all those old letters from 1990-91 tucked away in Mamaw's dresser drawer. She stayed up all night to help Mom drive to Ft. Bragg, NC to meet me when I got off the plane after 9 months overseas.

Mamaw never finished the 4th grade. She had to go home to help run the family farm. They were very poor. When she was in her 50's, she took classes and got her GED. She was constantly encouraging us to learn. No one ever knew that she'd never graduated or even attended high school because she always strove to learn and keep learning. I think I inherited my thirst for knowledge and love of history from her :-)

She got married at 17, and by the time she was in her early twenties, she'd had 5 children and buried 2 of them. All total she had 9...8 boys and one girl...my mother. I can't even imagine raising 9 children on a single income, but she did it. She made them all graduate from high school and even managed to get a couple through college. She was widowed before she was 40 and left with 4 children at home to care for, and had to find a job for the first time in her life. When she interviewed, she heard them tell another lady (who was 3 years younger than Mamaw) that she was really a little too old for the position. Mamaw walked in and quite brazenly told them she was 15 years younger than she was, and they believed her. She had such a love of life, such a jolly personality, that it was easy to believe she was much younger than she was. She got the job :-)

Mamaw, you'll never read this, but I love you and I miss you every day. God blessed me the day he allowed me to be your granddaughter.

Just rambling...

I just didn't feel like posting this weekend. I didn't even post much at all on my board. I'm not sure if its the meds or what, but I just am not caring about much of anything right now. I do know that I forgot my meds Friday night, and yesterday was rough on me...it was just like starting my meds all over from the beginning again. The shaky vision, nausea, sleepiness, etc. I repeat, "They wonder why we go off our meds..."

AF showed up yesterday morning. Yay. I want to be happy but I'm wishing it was Friday already LOL. Cramping is ok, not as bad as in the past, but the migraine...oy. The migraine hurts.

I miss my dad. I alternate between missing him and hating him. I don't want to hate him...he's my DAD. At the same time, I can never forgive him. Dad is another story...a long one. Suffice it to say he's in prison and I don't know if I'll ever post why because theoretically it could jeopardize his safety. He'll be 62 this November. Wow. I do miss him. This sucks.

I may go back to work soon. Jason said my job was waiting for me...I feel like I'm ready to go back, although I've gotten spoiled somewhat from being able to stay home. I think Justin doesn't really want me to go back...he's gotten used to his breakfast each morning and having supper each night, and I think he thinks all that will stop once I go back to work. It might, but I'm hoping that I continue with this change that has happened to me since being in the hospital.

Another hurricane is coming into the Gulf. I'm sorry for FL, but grateful that Ernesto is going to hit them and not us. We are still recovering from Katrina...I don't know how much more my trailer can take...its been through several hurricanes since we got it in 2002, and two of them were significant storms. Katrina though...wow. I'm still amazed that my trailer made it through. We lost so many trees all around it, but the trailer made it. Amazing.

No title...not motivated enough!

Another day today. Gee. What fun. I'm dragging so badly. It seems the last week or so of my posts have all been depressing. I need a pick-me-up I guess. Shoot, even Neopets is boring me LOL.

Mom is treating me to lunch today. I'm supposed to meet her in Purvis. I don't want to sound ingrateful, but I don't feel like driving. I'm wondering if she'll come here instead, but I don't want to put her out.

I dropped the ball this morning and didn't get up and cook breakfast. I did get up and fix the last 2 waffles, but Justin made the batter and the first 4 waffles. What a slug I am! True, I had trouble sleeping last night, but still, I should have gotten up when he first woke me instead of going back to sleep.

Ick. I'll write more later when I'm in a better mood. This is depressing me hehe.

UGH UGH UGH

I'm swinging again. I'm sitting here in tears and its so stupid. What a day...what an anniversary!

We got to the church, and everyone was having fun, hanging out, waiting for their portrait proofs, etc., and all I could do was sit on a pew and feel miserable. I wasn't able to interact with anyone. I just felt completely alienated and I think I was probably downright rude to those who did try to talk to me.

The portraits went well...I didn't see the proofs but Justin said they were awesome. But...not only could we not afford an anniversary dinner, we couldn't afford any pictures either, and that just sucks. I mean, its not like its a big deal...we at least get one free (I think) and we should be able to order more later, but will we ever really have the money?

We have to make some sacrifices to pay our bills off...its a good thing really...in 2-3 years we'll be able to build that house without having to worry about an endless cc debt. That will make everything worth it. And we'll be able to buy Justin a new truck...my van will be paid off next year. I can't WAIT to buy something for Justin...he never gets anything new, unless you count socks and underwear, and who wants to only get socks and underwear? lol

I feel like I'm coming apart tonight. I did go ahead and take my meds, but I didn't want to at all. I'll be so glad when they regulate...I hate this hate this hate this!

Happy Anniversary!!!

Justin and I have been married 6 years today. Time does fly. It seems like yesterday I was upset and crying over my life and prayed that God would send me a man who would love my children as if they were his, and would love Him and want to go to church with me. The VERY next day, Justin walked in at work and asked me out. It took almost 2 months for me to agree to go out with him, since we both worked for the same company. Our courtship was shorter than our engagement...he proposed, on bended knee, in a suit, on the beach (my dream) 3 weeks to the day after our first "date". It took two dates for me to hug him, and three dates for a kiss LOL. We were engaged for four months...an eternity compared to our courtship...

We have no money to go out, which is fine...we're getting out of debt and have to make sacrifices. So I've been saving some pork chops for this occasion...he LOVES my baked chops. I thawed them out, and when I was rinsing them, the smell hit me. They'd somehow gone bad in the freezer. Great. So now we're all eating a variety of leftovers for our "big" anniversary dinner. This is my life.

We're having family portraits done this evening at church, for our church directory. Its very cool that they're doing a new directory so soon after we joined the church...I've never been in a church directory :) If they'll let us order later, or give them a post-dated check, then we'll buy a couple for us. I wish we could afford a nice package, but its Olan Mills, so it'll be expensive probably.

I can't seem to get enough sleep the past couple days. I went ages without sleep, and now I'm sleeping TOO much. The meds maybe? I did go to bed late last night, around 12:30 a.m., but the night before that I was in bed before midnight, and the night before that I was asleep by 10:00 p.m. Yesterday and today I went back to bed after getting Justin and the kids off, although this morning I logged in for an hour first. Yesterday I didn't get up until after 1:00 p.m., and this morning it was 11:45 when I dragged myself (unwillingly) out of bed and got a shower. I would easily sleep all day I think...and I'm sitting here yawning right now and feel just bone tired. I think, weather permitting tomorrow, I'm going to go to the park and walk the track. Its a 1/4 mile track, and every so often, there are workout stations, with various equipment (outdoor equipment). I'm feeling much better from the surgeries, so I think it will do me good, and hopefully will get rid of this lethargy. I haven't walked in days because of the weather...and I think I really need to get back to it.

OK enough of a novel for now. I'm going to finish my leftover red beans and rice (leftover of choice for Bekah and me), guzzle the rest of my Coke (the spices apparently have fermented because these beans are HOTTER than I remember!) and go get ready for portraits. We have to be there at 8:10 tonight. I didn't want to go that late but had no choice since the earlier spots were taken.

Another rough day, but there's light at the end of the tunnel!

Whew what a day. Its been another rough one, but a friend IM'd me out of the blue and cheered me up (thanks Tena) :)

I've been a bad influence too...I talked another friend into journalling for the first time (maniacal laughter). Once you're hooked...you're hooked for life hehe.

Katie is sick today...she's rather green looking and says her tummy hurts. I've given her some Pepto and she's laying on the couch now, watching TV with me. The show of choice? Bridezillas. I love this show...I never had a traditional wedding, so I love watching brides turning into monsters over small details...

Thunderstorms again today...that's every single day now since the last week of June. How weird is that? Usually July and August are dry dry dry here in south MS.

My meds are doing weird things to me...my vision is all messed up...really "jerky" and hard to focus on anything. I also feel like I'm shaking to pieces all the time. And they wonder why we quit our meds...sheesh.

I'll post more later...I'm just really not feeling right today...

Another rough day :(

Ugh. I haven't posted in ages. I haven't felt like much of anything. I started my bipolar meds and its been up and down. Today has been rough. This afternoon I was browning ground beef for supper and a spice jar fell off the back of the stove and made a loud racket, and I lost it...just started screaming. I had to go outside and sit on the (very damp) porch until I calmed down enough to go back in and face the kids. The last thing I wanted to do was scare them or hurt them, so I just removed myself from the situation. It still scares me how I can be totally fine one minute, a raving lunatic the next, and fine five minutes after that.

AF is late too. I was supposed to get it last Tuesday, so I'm officially a week late today. I tested twice, once Friday night and once Sunday, and both were negative, so I figure its just stress, but just in case I'm going to get checked out. Just a little background...since 2001 I've been irregular at best, and had AF totally nonexistant for two years. After the liver resection, I still didn't get it back, but finally in May it reappeared, and was on time 3 times in a row. So to miss it now is suspect. I'm praying the cancer hasn't come back...the surgeon told us in July to prepare ourselves because it would come back.

I haven't talked about my cancer here...I just haven't felt led to yet. Of course, I haven't talked about much really...and its not like anyone will read it anyway...it just makes me feel better to get it out there.

I'm very scared most of the time now. I still can't sleep well, although I am getting a little more since going back on my meds. I'm having a lot of chest pain too...went to see a cardiologist at Dr. Long's urging yesterday. The only reason I went was because Dr. Long urged me to get checked out when he felt the mass in my chest, and in less than 3 weeks I was under the knife with a cancerous tumor. Joy.

Please Lord, don't let the cancer come back...at least not right now. I've been pretty strong this year, all things considering, and I feel like I will literally fracture into pieces if I get thrown another curve health-wise. I'm just trying to hold it all together.

Insurance sucks!!!

Ok well it doesn't suck...my $400,000 hospital bill from March was paid all but about $2300, so insurance companies DO have their uses. However, I'm in desperate need of my bipolar meds...I got my family doc to prescribe them for me a week ago today, and we've been fighting with the insurance company to get them filled ever since. They want us to do mail order...i didn't have a large enough prescription for mail order...so had to get the doctor's office involved...finally got it all worked out today and the insurance company says I'm not in their computer! They filled these meds for me last year!! GAH. So it'll take at LEAST two weeks before I get my meds.

Thank the Lord I found enough from last year to fill in until then, but man, if I hadn't been able to find them...I've REALLY wanted to cut myself a lot lately.

I've had a lot of bad thoughts lately. Its getting harder and harder to deal with things again...maybe because of the cancer and almost dying a few times back in March and April? Maybe now its finally starting to hit home? I don't know...I had a REALLY positive attitude back then...its how I pulled through, that and God's grace. If we can pull our heads above water, I want to go back to counselling. I really miss it. I've felt often lately that I need to go back into Pine Grove...but man I REALLY don't want to go back there!!!

Anyway...I haven't slept in a couple nights...going to try to get some rest since I have to go to the heart specialist tomorrow (will it never end?). I guess I'll post a health-related post one of these days when I feel like whining lol.

Sleepless night and a bad day...

Another sleepless night last night. Yeah, I played Neopets a lot, but only because I couldn't sleep. I moved the laptop into the living room and determined not to put it back in the bedroom...I did that Tuesday I think it was. It didn't help much, but at least when I went to bed I wasn't tempted to reach out for the laptop when I couldn't sleep, and I did eventually fall asleep around 5 a.m. this morning. It being Saturday, the kids kept waking me up, although they tried not to.

Jared and Katie started back to school Wednesday. I really got blue over that. For the past two weeks, they've been at each other's throats...I couldn't WAIT for school to start, and of course now I'm missing them terribly. I went to the doctor Tuesday because I hadn't slept more than maybe 6 hours total in the past 3 weeks. He prescribed my bipolar meds for me again, but the stupid insurance company is saying we HAVE to do them mail order, 90-day supply at a time. Well, he started me on a LOW dose until I get used to them again, and so he only prescribed a 30-day supply. He won't change it, and the insurance company is still fighting us. UGH. I don't blame the doctor, he KNOWS what he's doing. But I've been off these meds since Katrina hit and I ran out and couldn't get a new prescription. I didn't go back on them sooner because of the issues I've had with my liver this year (that'll be another post too!!!).

I want to cut myself again, but so far I've managed to stay out of the kitchen. I don't remember actually cutting myself, but I do know the signs...like I think about it when I see a knife...I almost couldn't use a knife to cut my sandwiches just now. The only reason I was able to was because I waited until Justin came into the kitchen. As it is, I had to get him to cut up my roast beef for me. I really need to be back on my meds.

Watching Playhouse Disney probably isn't helping me lol. Bekah has control of the TV this morning...DoodleBops is on...she hated it when they first put it on a couple years ago, but now that she's almost 4 she loves it. I'll never understand a pre-schooler's tastes...

Neomania (new addiction to Neopets!)

A couple weeks ago, a friend either did me a huge favor or a gross disservice...she introduced me to Neopets. Since then, I'm on that website pretty much the entire time I'm online. Its not a HUGE amount of fun, so I'm not really sure why I'm so hooked. I mean, I can only register scores on my favorite games 3 times a day...my fingers cramp up from playing the games on a laptop keyboard...I don't shut the laptop down when I should (i.e. for BED) and so I'm losing even less sleep than normal.

Have you played Neopets? Depending on how you view your online time, you may or may not want to explore this option lol. If you do decide to try it out, feel free to use this link: http://www.neopets.com/refer.phtml?username=xanthgyrl . You don't have to of course, but if you do I get a small reward of neopoints (the currency used on the Neopets site) or, once I have a certain number of referrals, an item or benefit (such as a level gain for my pets).

I'd advise only starting out with one pet...until you really familiarize yourself with the site, it can be hard to take care of more than that. Yes, you have to feed and play with your pet.

Some of my favorite games to play are Cheat, Attack of the Revenge, Scarab 21, Deckswabber, Destruct-O-Match II, Igloo Garage Sale - the Game, Pterattack, Snowball Fight, Sutek's Tomb, among many others :)

Give it a try...its free, its fun, its family-friendly. Even my almost-4-year-old has a pet on her own account. Of course, I do the "work" but she tells me what to do :lol My oldest and I regularly play together, which makes for good family bonding time.

Man, this reads like a paid advertisement or something. Truth be known, I just didn't have anything really worth talking about today and realized I hadn't posted anything since my first post on Friday lol.

My first Blog...ever!

This is my first ever blog, so its probably going to totally suck :) However, I'm not trying to entertain, amuse, or wax poetic. I've kept journals for years, as a form of therapy, and after being hospitalized last year and again this year (different reasons) my outlook on life has changed somewhat. I've also come to realize lately that while I don't particularly find anything about myself even vaguely redeeming, I've actually been able to help others by sharing my experiences, emotions, mistakes...everything that I've come to hate about myself. Thus the public forum. I doubt this will even be read by anyone, as I don't plan to give out the url, but just in case, well...its here.

My name is Kandy. Don't try to be cute or original; believe me, I've heard ALL of the jokes you could possibly come up with. My standard answer, developed by the time I was 15 or so: "Yes, I'm sweet; no, I don't know what kind of candy I am; and no, you may not have a piece!!"

I always wanted to be in a large family. Growing up, while I had plenty of cousins, at home it was just my brother and me. My dad had a brother and a sister who lived...and a brother who died at age 11, and a sister who was stillborn. My mother was the only girl in a family of 9 children, two of whom died in childhood. So while I was surrounded by cousins, I always felt something was missing at home (a happy family maybe?).

Anyway, not sure what I want to write about today. I'm tempted to pour out my life's story, such as it is, just to fill up space :) However, I know that there will be days when I need to talk about one memory or another, so I'll save those ramblings for later ;)

Lets just say that I have a disease...I'm bipolar, I have a mild case of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and I'm paranoid. I pretty much despise myself on a regular basis. However, lately I've realized that while I always knew there were other people out there "like me"...I've been able to help some of them by sharing my experiences, my pain, my mistakes, and by just listening and not judging.

So...here's my blog. I'll still have my journal for really private ramblings, but maybe over time I'll share more here. I'd like to feel good about myself again...and right now I just feel like a scarred up crazy person most of the time...tonight is a low night, I'm home completely alone, sitting in the dark with only the illumination of my laptop and my tv. Bad news...I know better...but I need to feel this way right now...I need to feel even just a little better about myself, and writing always makes me feel a little better...like I've shared with someone, even if its only myself. Maybe I'm a little schizo in there too??

I've made a lot of mistakes...more than I want to think about. I've hurt a lot of people in the process. I've always known when I made mistakes...shortly afterwards, but not soon enough to keep from making them. Sometimes I just can't help but do something without thinking about it. You'd think I'd have learned by now. Maybe I have...I'm struggling daily to be a better person, and I hope I'm succeeding.

I'm not a bad person...I'm even a nice person...I'd do anything I could for anyone...my problem is that I don't think things through often enough.

Anyway, I'm going to stop here for the night...I'm feeling pretty low and I'll save the rest of my worries for another day. Heck, maybe when I post tomorrow I'll have a smile instead of a sorrow :)