Whew...I'm so glad this week is officially over tomorrow. Its been a rough one! Where to begin?
I've been down all week...really really down. I missed my meds last Wednesday and last Friday, and while I took them Saturday and Sunday, Monday and Tuesday just kept getting worse. Wednesday I cut up my left arm again...and yesterday I cut up my left leg above the knee. Justin is understandably frustrated, and doesn't want to leave me next week but has to for work. He'll be gone all week...but my mom is staying with me...between her and the .9mm (which I'm an expert shot with) I'll be pretty safe.
Why do I cut myself? I don't like pain...when I realize what I'm doing I stop, but at the same time I have this morbid fascination with the blood. I like to see it welling up in drops and then coalescing into a solid red line. It makes me feel good when I see it. I just don't understand ME sometimes, and it worries me. I want people to like me...I AM a nice person...I just have a few problems with my own self-image.
Part of me wants to go with Justin next week very badly...and part of me wants to stay here. I don't know what to do. Mom will take care of getting me there...I'd ride the train most likely...but I think Justin really isn't crazy about me going either. Who knows?? I certainly don't. I want to go...but I don't want to piss Justin off. I think I could really use the relaxation...being in a fancy hotel with nowhere I have to be and no specific time I HAVE to get up would be lovely...I imagine I could sleep the day away and finally get caught up on my rest.
Maybe I'll get to go...it sure would be nice...
Today was busy...Mom and Dick came so we could go to Grandparents' Day at Bekah's school. Her little program was so adorable. Then we ate lunch with Justin at McDonald's (Bekah's choice) and did a smidgen of shopping at Walmart. Then back to the house for some rest, and then Mom and I cooked supper together (that was really nice). After supper we all went to the high school football game. Katie was singing the National Anthem tonight...it was so great...she had a great position on the field and we could hear her belting out the lyrics over the other kids.
I'm tired, going to TRY to get some sleep. Here's hoping anyway!
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