Dark times?

I'm having a rough go of it lately. Where to start?

I was asked to consider CSM (Customer Service Manager) at work. I was told I was a virtual shoe-in for the position. I had SEVERAL CSM's recommend me as their pick. I was not chosen...Daniel was. Now, I'm happy for Daniel...he's going to be a really good CSM. He's kind, he's smart, he's patient and considerate to the customers, even the hard to deal with ones, and while he gets along with darned near everyone, he isn't "buddy buddy" like some of the CSM's are. He's going to do really well. I was told I wasn't picked because I don't have open availability. They also want to move me over to the Customer Service desk, but again, I don't have open availability, so I told them I'd think about it and see what I could do with the availability issue.

I'm actually somewhat relieved. Yes, I DID want it...I DO want it...but I prayed that God would show me...and he did. I'm really really stressed out, and sliding down again, and the last thing I need is the stress of a new position, management at that. I LOVE my job and don't want to lose it or do anything to mess it up like I do so often due to the bipolar crap. Right now, just about everyone loves me, literally...I'm not just saying that to make myself look good. I feel HAPPY at work...I'm well-liked, everyone wants to work with me whenever we do anything in pairs/groups...oh that feels so good and gives me a MUCH needed boost.

I'm feeling though...ragged out. The pain has gotten better lately actually...I'm not even having to take Tylenol PM to sleep most nights. Oh its still there, don't get me wrong, but either I'm dealing with it better or its lessened a lot. However, 3-4 nights a week I'm in terrible pain...but that's an improvement from 7 nights a week. Tonight for instance...I'm on percoset, phenergen, and Tylenol PM. I had no choice. I got up and went to the bathroom, and emptying my bladder caused that terrible pain behind my incision again...I don't understand it...if anything it should LESSEN pain because its not pushing on anything when its empty, but instead, it always makes it worse. I started crying it hurt so bad. For a solid hour, whenever I got up and had to walk, I had to do it completely bent over at the waist because if I straightened up I wanted to scream from the pain.

THIS kind of pain is what gets to me. I'm sick and TIRED of saying "I'm in terrible pain, please do something about it" every time I go to the doctor. I'm sick and tired of hearing "I don't know what to tell you..." from the doctors. I've had a couple recommendations for a pain clinic and pain specialist, but the doctors recommending were supposed to also get an appointment for me, and that hasn't happened yet. Not only that, every time I've remembered to call myself, I haven't been able to due to working...and then when I remember again its too late or the weekend or whatever.

I haven't cried for Dick yet. I haven't cried for Mamaw yet. I feel like the absolute worst person in the world. I loved Dick...I was crazy about him. I miss being able to call him and ask advice on some theological point...or seeing a history show on TV and being able to call him and tell him its on so we can "watch" it together over the phone. I miss hearing him teach his classes (Sunday School and special religious study groups). He was THERE for me in the hospital last year. He was THERE when Bekah was born, and was soooo proud. He was there for me when Mom would have one of her ... well, she'd need to vent and I was her target. She honestly had no idea how she treats those of us she loves...and we forgive her because ... if I needed a kidney, Mom would give me hers. If I needed a lung, Mom would give me hers. If I needed a HEART, Mom would give me hers if she could find a doctor to do it. She would do anything for anyone that she loves, and anything in her power for just about anyone regardless of how well she knows them. She's one of the best people I know...she just has a real issue with anxiety and stress.

Digressing from Dick...I'm terrified for Mom. She has ... crap must be the drugs, I can't remember the name, but her heart is NOT in good shape. She's collecting fluid, and has to take a nitro pill more times than I'm comfortable with. She's under a terrible amount of stress, and...oh God I can't lose her...not now. She took care of me in the hospital...massaged my feet and legs for hours when the meds and such gave me terrible cramps...bathed me...shaved my legs...brushed my hair...sang to me...cheered me up...PRAYED WITH ME and for me. She saved my life...I know I almost died the night I had my "vision" in the hospital, and she prayed with me and helped me get saved again. No matter what anyone thinks, I believe I would have died that night if I hadn't turned to God.

Mamaw. I'm the worst granddaughter in the world. I'll post more on that later. I'm too exhausted now. Jared came in and we talked for 35 min and now the drugs are kicking my butt.