BLAH day!

Today is a blah day. It started out well enough...I woke up with much less pain than I'd had all weekend. I was able to get up, shower, and get ready for church. It was nice getting back into church today, although I was hurting again before the sermon was half over. I spent the weekend drugged up because of the pain, so I slept most of the weekend away. I've fought sleep all afternoon because I'm hoping for a restful sleep tonight if possible.

Why did the pain come back? Is it something embarrassingly simple, like gas? Probably. Of course, AF was over a week late again (she arrived last night with no fanfare however), and AF being late and then disappearing was my first real "symptom" of my liver cancer. So who knows what's really going on? All I know is that I hurt, I have no answers, and I'm crabby because of it. My feelings are easily bruised, I'm fighting urges to cut myself again, and I just want to SLEEP and keep sleeping, but people wake me up constantly.

Today has actually been good sleeping weather...its been rainy and thunderstorming off and on all day...its overcast...its just great sleeping weather. I wish I could have taken advantage of it!

WoW (World of Warcraft)

The same friend who cursed me with my Neopets addiction also convinced me that WoW is a really great game...I finally got it (before my old laptop fried) but today is the first time in over 2 weeks of owning the game that I've gotten to play it. My free trial was only for 30 days, so I have less than 2 weeks to figure out if I want to continue to play. The problem is money...I have a new laptop to pay for and sadly enough I doubt if I can afford the $15 a month to play.

So far its a fun game. I made a human priest on Wildhammer server named Khandei (cute huh?), and I also have a gnome mage on Onyxia server named Rinandra (I let the game pick the name). I haven't gotten to play Khandei yet because the server went down for patching as I was logging in, but I've spent about an hour playing Rinandra, and so far I really like it. Its very similar to EverQuest but of course since I don't know how to do much yet its still a bit confusing. If I continue with it, I'll be making a binder (or several) like I did with EQ...maps, equipment, quests, etc. Its simpler than EQ, but the graphics are truly awesome. Maybe its my new laptop that make the graphics seem awesome...either way it looks great :lol

The only real downside I can see right now is money. I'll have to figure that one out if I decide to keep playing. Speaking of money...Movie Gallery is hiring...its only minimum wage but I could work while the kids are in school, have free rentals, and make a little spending money...so I may put in my application. I really hate to work for minimum wage...but its hard to find a job paying more with flexible hours I suppose.

Off to frag some more troggs ;-)

Ups and Downs

Ups and downs. Life is full of them. So why is it that when I have a day full of mostly ups, I can only remember the downs? Only the downs really affect me...

Today I went back to the doctor to find out about the new mass in my liver. Great news...its gone...all my labs looked great...he doesn't want to see me until December. That's just awesome right?

Then a friend was having a bad day...I teased her and she called me a fucker. True, it was probably an attempt at humor because she was really having a rough go of it, but it just totally rubbed me the wrong way. I'm letting it go because I know I'M not right at the moment, and I need to just back away. But it did hurt.

Enough of that. I have a new Dell. It came yesterday. Its awesome but HUGE and heavy. What did I expect...I ordered it as a desktop replacement and loaded the sucker out. The Sims 2 runs awesomely on it...and I think WoW will too as soon as I finish patching it (only about 20 hours to go lmao). I can't wait to play WoW. I had a 30 day free trial and its over half over and I have YET to get to play *sigh* So anyway, I have this awesome new laptop and I feel too guilty to enjoy it. What's up with that? I know pride is a sin, and I can't help but feel a bit proud over it. Maybe that's the problem?

I spent some time in the College library this afternoon. There's a free wireless high speed connection, and I was using it to patch WoW. I wanted to look busy so I grabbed a history book off a nearby shelf and started "taking notes" out of it. I ended up taking an entire page of notes on the history of Alaska because I got engrossed in it. I want to go back to school SO BAD. But honestly...I'm not going to have a full-time job outside of the home anymore. Justin is IT. I'll never leave him and we're going to be together forever. Having gone through a divorce and quite a few rough patches with Justin, I can say this honestly. The only outside work I'll be doing will be just to keep me sane and maybe for a little extra money. So what good would going back to school do me? It'd just be a waste of money. It'd feel so good to have my degree though...something related to history and archaeology...that's why I think anthropology would be right up my alley!

Anyway...just a pipe dream...

9-11

I think I'm the weird American. Remembering 9-11 doesn't make me tear up. I'm not afraid to fly or travel on 9-11. Its just another date to me now, 5 years later. Am I a bad person? I sure hope not.

I haven't forgotten...far from it. But I'm not going to be fake and act all touched or upset over the date. It didn't directly affect me. I watched it all...it was so shocking...and I cried a little at the time. I think some of the security precautions implemented since then just make good plain sense.

I think remembering the date, honoring the fallen, is fine. But I wonder if too much emphasis has been placed on it. I feel like getting all emotional or vigilant on 9-11 isn't productive. Why can't we be emotional and vigilant the rest of the year? Are terrorists really going to strike again on another 9-11? Only they know when and where they'll strike next...which is why we should worry less about the date and more about our security in general.

I suppose 9-11 will forever be a rallying cry, much like "Remember the Alamo!" was. I will never forget where I was or what I was doing that day...but I don't think about it ONLY on 9-11 or around this time of year...I think of it any time I pass an airport or think of flying somewhere. I pay more attention now to those around me. AND I think I'm rambling now since my meds are kicking in and I'm drowsy.

So...more on a later date.

A New Dell!!!

Woo hoo! I ordered a new Dell last night...it should be here on September 21 if all goes well. I can NOT wait! The auto/air adapter won't ship until October 4 though...what's up with THAT?

So specs...its an Inspiron...dual processors, 2GB memory, 120GB hard drive, 256mg video card, 17" reallllllly nice widescreen display...all in all its a fully loaded, very nice laptop. I can't wait until it gets here...but a little part of me is hoping Justin can fix my old laptop when he gets home. I'd love the new laptop (and it may be too late to cancel it) but I hate to see my old laptop just get thrown away. Sentimental I suppose...

Mom took Bekah to daycare for me today...she's staying with me while Justin is in Houston. We've been pretty busy the past couple days...its really helped me a lot. I've been so down and depressed that I've needed the distraction.

Had a worrisome doctor visit yesterday...I think that I'll post about that later...I'm not feeling up to it right now and I'm pretty sleepy too!

Sleepless Somewhere in America...

I know there are others out there like me. Somewhere, there are people hunched in the dark over a glowing monitor, trying desperately to pass time until their body gives out and they pass out from sheer exhaustion. I've been sleeping so well lately, but tonight...well I've given up.

My laptop went FIZZZT today at some point. I got home around 6 p.m. and it wouldn't turn on and smelled funny. The desktop has seen better days. We can't afford a new computer or laptop, and I'm on borrowed time (literally) right now in regards to PC's. I'm freaking out a little because the computer and internet are literally a lifeline for me. We'll see how this experiment ends I suppose.

Bekah is asleep in my bed right now. She's so sweet. Tonight Justin sang to her when she went to bed (over the phone) and she grinned from ear to ear, and kissed and hugged the phone. Taking her to and from school this week is a challenge, but we'll manage. She's doing so well we don't want her to fall behind. I just hope I can stay awake for the drive!

I'm going to try to get some sleep...probably won't happen. I had several things I wanted to blog about tonight but danged if they didn't just slip right on our of my mind. Oh well. At least I have a mind, slippery though it may be at times :)

OUCH!

I'm so smart I amaze myself sometimes. Really. Why, you ask? Well, allow me to elaborate on my remarkable intelligence.

I'm pretty sure I pulled my groin. I took off running through the house, for NO reason other than I felt like it. I immediately felt a burning pain in my groin and pulled up, limping the rest of the way to my bedroom. It now hurts even when I'm not moving my leg. I've pulled a muscle there before, and this pretty much feels like that. I sure hope Justin isn't expecting a grand send-off for his trip tomorrow...'cause it ain't happening the way I'm feeling right now!

I've decided not to go. I'd like to...but at the same time Justin has applied for a new, better position, an actual NASA job instead of just a contractor job, and many of the people who'll be making the decision will be at the conference next week. The last thing I want is for them to question his work ethics...they know that in addition to the conference and the presentations he has to give there, that he has projects going on here that he'll be having to monitor and keep up with. If I'm there, it might give the impression that he's being less than diligent...and this new job would change our lives so drastically...it'd be an extra $1000 a month before taxes...we could pay off our loan sooner...we could get him the new truck he so desperately needs...oh so many things, especially our house we want to build!

So I'm going to stay here and miss him and concentrate on the kids and hope that they and Mom will distract me from missing him too badly. I'm not sure why I'm freaking out at the thought of him going away for a week...he left for NY in April, after I got back from the hospital, and I was fine. Maybe its because our relationship has been so much better lately? Who knows...at any rate, I will miss him, and can't wait for next Friday so he'll be HOME.

My crotch hurts.

Bad week, so-so day...

Whew...I'm so glad this week is officially over tomorrow. Its been a rough one! Where to begin?

I've been down all week...really really down. I missed my meds last Wednesday and last Friday, and while I took them Saturday and Sunday, Monday and Tuesday just kept getting worse. Wednesday I cut up my left arm again...and yesterday I cut up my left leg above the knee. Justin is understandably frustrated, and doesn't want to leave me next week but has to for work. He'll be gone all week...but my mom is staying with me...between her and the .9mm (which I'm an expert shot with) I'll be pretty safe.

Why do I cut myself? I don't like pain...when I realize what I'm doing I stop, but at the same time I have this morbid fascination with the blood. I like to see it welling up in drops and then coalescing into a solid red line. It makes me feel good when I see it. I just don't understand ME sometimes, and it worries me. I want people to like me...I AM a nice person...I just have a few problems with my own self-image.

Part of me wants to go with Justin next week very badly...and part of me wants to stay here. I don't know what to do. Mom will take care of getting me there...I'd ride the train most likely...but I think Justin really isn't crazy about me going either. Who knows?? I certainly don't. I want to go...but I don't want to piss Justin off. I think I could really use the relaxation...being in a fancy hotel with nowhere I have to be and no specific time I HAVE to get up would be lovely...I imagine I could sleep the day away and finally get caught up on my rest.

Maybe I'll get to go...it sure would be nice...

Today was busy...Mom and Dick came so we could go to Grandparents' Day at Bekah's school. Her little program was so adorable. Then we ate lunch with Justin at McDonald's (Bekah's choice) and did a smidgen of shopping at Walmart. Then back to the house for some rest, and then Mom and I cooked supper together (that was really nice). After supper we all went to the high school football game. Katie was singing the National Anthem tonight...it was so great...she had a great position on the field and we could hear her belting out the lyrics over the other kids.

I'm tired, going to TRY to get some sleep. Here's hoping anyway!

Hot pink robe and a dirt road!

What a morning! I sat on the porch to watch the kids off this morning...usually I sit out there in my pajamas or night shirt because with the "roof" up no one can see me...this morning it was slightly nippy so I put my robe on. Thank goodness for small favors!

Katie came back in to get her jacket, and on her way back out she managed to lock the door. So I'm locked out, barefoot and wearing just a thin nightshirt and a fuzzy hot pink robe. I told Katie to ask the bus driver to stop at my FIL's (father-in-law) house and ask them to come let me in (they have a spare key). I saw them stop...and then I heard the bus honking and pull off, so I wasn't quite sure if she was successful at waking FIL or not. I waited and waited...then I found an old pair of Justin's shoes outside the door, and put them on and started walking up the dirt road. Halfway there (1/2 a mile) I saw FIL's truck pull out and come my way. I was slightly embarrassed so to cover it I flashed a little leg and stuck my thumb out. FIL didn't miss a beat and acted like he lost control of the truck from my leg flashing LOL.

Long story a little shorter...he had the spare key and I was able to get back inside. Thank you Lord. I must have been a sight though...I hadn't even brushed my hair yet so I had "bed head" on top of the fashion statement I was making. Thank goodness no cars came until AFTER I'd gotten into FIL's truck...

My bedroom is finished, furniture-wise. I still have to organize stuff...I piled boxes of clothes and junk in the bathroom where I'd HAVE to do something with it...so today I'm going to work on that. I'm rewarding myself with computer time because I earned it after the morning I had LOL. That and I didn't get online much at all yesterday and I worked all day on my room.

The laptop IS having a few glitches now...apparently the floppy and DVD drive are both shot :( Oh well, it could be much worse!!

CLUTTER!!!!!

I'm still sick...thus the lack of a blog entry the past few days. I hate being sick. I really do. Yet I don't like to go to doctors too much. I can't seem to shake this infection this time though, so I guess I'll be going back to the family doctor on Tuesday (the only day he's in next week).

So I'm a clutterbug. I hate it, I really do...yet I can't stop COLLECTING stuff. Its gotten REALLY bad after my house burned in 1999. I lost a lot of things, and since then I get physically ill when I throw something away that I "might need" later. I'm talking vomiting and intense stomach pain here, not just a general feeling of malaise or anything.

So I've been trying to get motivated to do something about it, and my friend Lynnae said something that inspired me the other day. We were talking about something, and she mentioned rewards. I'd never thought about rewarding myself! I like to play Neopets...I like to post on my board...I like to chat...I like to play games...I like to do all sorts of things with the computer.

So I kept thinking about it and decided to do something about it. I took pictures of my room before we started last night, and I'll post them here later (I'll edit this post to do it). We weren't able to do anything today because Justin was at the hospital with his mom most of the day (hopefully she'll be fine...they hospitalized her with severe chest pains and shortness of breath and are running a bunch of tests). Last night we got the bed moved to where the dresser was, and today Justin brought in two shelving units for me to put books and my laptop and cables and things on. Tomorrow we should be able to get the rest of the room done...we're going to put the dresser in front of the bed, where the chest of drawers and desk are now...we're going to put the chest of drawers where the TV is now (in the corner by the bathroom door)...we're going to take out the desk completely and put the TV in that corner where the desk is. I'm going to put my sewing machine on the bottom shelf and just take it to the kitchen table when I want to sew (few and far between since I'm still learning how!).

Oh yeah...my laptop is ok!!! I left it "open" while I went to the bathroom, and I had a full glass of coke next to it. I came back in time to see Bekah knock the glass over into the laptop...FREAK OUT TIME. I grabbed the laptop, turned it upside down on the table, ran and got a towel, spread that on the floor and then put the laptop upside down (opened up) on the towel then cleaned up the rest of the mess. After I was sure it had pretty much dried out, I took it apart and cleaned the stickies with alcohol and q-tips. I was afraid to do too much too it. I took the battery out and made sure it was cleaned too, and then crossed my fingers and turned it on. It works!!! It seems to have no glitches at all...praise the Lord!

So anyway...hopefully tomorrow my clutter will be less. I have a chore chart that I've never done for more than a day or two at a time, but I'm thinking now that if I get my "chores" done each day, and get supper prepared or ready to be prepared, I'll be able to reward myself with playing on the computer or reading a chapter of a book, and keep myself motivated. I've been really depressed lately, and I'm ready to try anything, that's for SURE!

Thanks Lynnae :-)