Well I've just about decided to use my wordpress site exclusively from now on. I really like the setup over there, BUT do like some features over here so I MIGHT be back...it'll just depend. At this point, its a pain to update both sites.
SO, without any further ado...if you wish to read my pathetic ramblings, from now on you can do so at Ramblings of a Redneck Woman
I'll miss this site...and I'll miss all the little red dots on my nifty little map...hopefully the map at the new site will fill up soon :)
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Minor Update...
Since I apparently have nothing better to do at 4:15 in the morning, I decided to blog a little. I couldn't sleep very well at all Friday night...ended up in the recliner for the night. Even with drugs I slept very little. I managed to fall asleep in the bed Saturday night, but woke up at 1:30 and moved in here to the recliner again.
I'm still extremely sore in all the wrong places, but I did manage to soak in the tub for an hour or so tonight, and I think the heat helped. The main soreness makes NO sense because its a good 6-8 inches above the injection sites, and is on the vertebrae right below my neck. That puppy hurts, let me tell you! I still have a lot of pain when I breathe, but I can take deep breaths now, albeit with difficulty. I have a lot of pain in my left breast area...go figure, I didn't get any needles stuck THERE.
Basically, I really do feel like I'm battling a severe case of pneumonia. I ran fever all day yesterday but none today, so that's an improvement. I have some minor pain and cramping and spasms in my abdomen, but NOTHING like I'd been having, so count that as an improvement! I just pray that the pain doesn't come back any time soon.
I'm having a bit of difficulty walking still. My legs don't seem to want to hold me up. I'm hoping this is just from the general feeling of discomfort though and not that weakness he said could be a side affect. Today (Sunday) is my last day off until Wednesday, so I'm hopeful that I'll be able to work Monday.
And that's about it...nothing exciting, nothing new, just still in pain, but hopeful that hope is near :)
I'm still extremely sore in all the wrong places, but I did manage to soak in the tub for an hour or so tonight, and I think the heat helped. The main soreness makes NO sense because its a good 6-8 inches above the injection sites, and is on the vertebrae right below my neck. That puppy hurts, let me tell you! I still have a lot of pain when I breathe, but I can take deep breaths now, albeit with difficulty. I have a lot of pain in my left breast area...go figure, I didn't get any needles stuck THERE.
Basically, I really do feel like I'm battling a severe case of pneumonia. I ran fever all day yesterday but none today, so that's an improvement. I have some minor pain and cramping and spasms in my abdomen, but NOTHING like I'd been having, so count that as an improvement! I just pray that the pain doesn't come back any time soon.
I'm having a bit of difficulty walking still. My legs don't seem to want to hold me up. I'm hoping this is just from the general feeling of discomfort though and not that weakness he said could be a side affect. Today (Sunday) is my last day off until Wednesday, so I'm hopeful that I'll be able to work Monday.
And that's about it...nothing exciting, nothing new, just still in pain, but hopeful that hope is near :)
Friday, August 03, 2007
DRUGS
Drugs are the bane of our existence. I have so many around here it isn’t even funny. Most of them are well over a year old, and I got them after all my surgeries last year. I kept them because while I don’t take them often, there are times that I DO need them.
My brother and his wife love drugs. Their preference is pot, but if they can’t get it (which they can’t because my Mom won’t buy it for them or let them have it on her land, which is where they live) they get by on prescription drugs. My brother has a bad back…he really does…but it doesn’t matter because when I gave him all my lortabs (they make me nauseated) he gave them to his wife. She burned her arm really badly about 3 years ago when she worked at Wendy’s, and has been fighting a battle with Workman’s Comp ever since. She has a legitimate suit…the management wouldn’t let her go for medical aid and she has serious, permanent nerve damage and has just about lost the use of her arm.
Why do I mention this? She’s a dopehead. She stays drugged as much as she can. The doctors will give her a month’s worth of phenergen for instance, for nausea, and she’ll have used it all in less than a week. She’s going to kill herself. Mom is having to buy EVERYTHING for them except food…they at least get foodstamps. Neither of them can legitimately work, and SSI is dragging its feet and nothing ever seems to get done.
So anyway, I came home today with a week’s supply of vicadin and phenergen…21 and 20 pills, respectively. I took my second vicadin just now, and Mom (who came down and invited herself to stay the night to “help” me out while I’m in so much pain) told me “Make sure you don’t use too much of that, your brother is expecting me to bring the rest back to him because “she’s” (Linda) hurting really bad and I don’t have the money to buy her anymore medicine.” Excuse me in advance, but WTF??? This is MY medication, *I* paid for it, and I will NOT contribute to my sister in law’s “habit”!!!
I mean the NERVE. Not to mention I would never give her vicadin at all after the lortabs fiasco…I gave them 75 lortabs (I’d had a few prescriptions filled and just laying around) and she went through them in about a week. My mom thinks she’s just in pain…WAKE UP WOMAN SHE’S A DRUGGIE AND YOU’RE CONTRIBUTING TO HER HABIT!!!
Anyway. I’m going to go hide all my pills so I can tell Mom I’m out and she won’t see that I’m lying. Yeah, that’s real Christian of me isn’t it?
My brother and his wife love drugs. Their preference is pot, but if they can’t get it (which they can’t because my Mom won’t buy it for them or let them have it on her land, which is where they live) they get by on prescription drugs. My brother has a bad back…he really does…but it doesn’t matter because when I gave him all my lortabs (they make me nauseated) he gave them to his wife. She burned her arm really badly about 3 years ago when she worked at Wendy’s, and has been fighting a battle with Workman’s Comp ever since. She has a legitimate suit…the management wouldn’t let her go for medical aid and she has serious, permanent nerve damage and has just about lost the use of her arm.
Why do I mention this? She’s a dopehead. She stays drugged as much as she can. The doctors will give her a month’s worth of phenergen for instance, for nausea, and she’ll have used it all in less than a week. She’s going to kill herself. Mom is having to buy EVERYTHING for them except food…they at least get foodstamps. Neither of them can legitimately work, and SSI is dragging its feet and nothing ever seems to get done.
So anyway, I came home today with a week’s supply of vicadin and phenergen…21 and 20 pills, respectively. I took my second vicadin just now, and Mom (who came down and invited herself to stay the night to “help” me out while I’m in so much pain) told me “Make sure you don’t use too much of that, your brother is expecting me to bring the rest back to him because “she’s” (Linda) hurting really bad and I don’t have the money to buy her anymore medicine.” Excuse me in advance, but WTF??? This is MY medication, *I* paid for it, and I will NOT contribute to my sister in law’s “habit”!!!
I mean the NERVE. Not to mention I would never give her vicadin at all after the lortabs fiasco…I gave them 75 lortabs (I’d had a few prescriptions filled and just laying around) and she went through them in about a week. My mom thinks she’s just in pain…WAKE UP WOMAN SHE’S A DRUGGIE AND YOU’RE CONTRIBUTING TO HER HABIT!!!
Anyway. I’m going to go hide all my pills so I can tell Mom I’m out and she won’t see that I’m lying. Yeah, that’s real Christian of me isn’t it?
The procedure is over...
…and I’m in more pain than I ever imagined. They made me have chest x-rays before they’d let me go home because I kept getting dizzy and black spots because I couldn’t take a breath hardly. Thanks to the vicadin, I can now take a shallow breath without it hurting, but I still feel like I’m suffocating because if I try to take more than a shallow breath, the pain is very very intense. They gave me phenergen and vicadin and I was slurring my words a lot. I’m having to retype this as it is due to the vicadin. This is good stuff by the way…they gave it to me last year but I gave it to my brother for his back because I was afraid to even try it (Yes, I love to watch the show “House” on Fox lol)
Anyway. I can’t even begin to describe the pain, but I started crying in the recovery room because…the pain is ONLY in my back and shoulders. I don’t feel ANYTHING in my abdomen!!!! I’m praying this isn’t a result of the pain in my back blocking out the pain in my abdomen, but ya know…I really feel this worked and I’m soooo incredibly happy. If it did in fact work, and lasts even a few weeks, I will definitely go through this pain in my back again, because it will be WORTH it. I can’t wait for the back pain to go away so I can try out different things and see how I feel (for instance, tying my shoes would be nice…Justin and my kids have been tying my shoes for me for over a year).
Thank you so much for the prayers and positive thoughts, the encouragement…I almost didn’t post about this procedure the other day, and I’m so glad now that I did because I’m tearing up just sitting here thinking about how different things have the potential to be now. I’m praying this works.
One minor note, I do have weakness in my right leg and numbness in my left leg…he thinks this is not going to affect me though…I can’t walk straight right now, but I was very unsteady on my legs for a couple days last time too. Having them wake me up to see if I could move my legs and such was an experience I’d rather forget about (the needles were still in my back and I was moaning pretty loudly because I couldn’t stop). The nurses in recovery also said I was pretty loud compared to my last visit, but they said I was a perfect patient because even through my pain and tears I was apologizing for “inconveniencing” them lol
I’m rambling…I’m going to try to sleep a little more…I can’t lie down in the bed at all so sleeping is a little bit of a challenge as even the recliner is painful. I can’t tell you how happy I feel right now…although I guess that could be a result of xanaflex, phenergen, and vicadin bliss lol
Thanks again everyone
Anyway. I can’t even begin to describe the pain, but I started crying in the recovery room because…the pain is ONLY in my back and shoulders. I don’t feel ANYTHING in my abdomen!!!! I’m praying this isn’t a result of the pain in my back blocking out the pain in my abdomen, but ya know…I really feel this worked and I’m soooo incredibly happy. If it did in fact work, and lasts even a few weeks, I will definitely go through this pain in my back again, because it will be WORTH it. I can’t wait for the back pain to go away so I can try out different things and see how I feel (for instance, tying my shoes would be nice…Justin and my kids have been tying my shoes for me for over a year).
Thank you so much for the prayers and positive thoughts, the encouragement…I almost didn’t post about this procedure the other day, and I’m so glad now that I did because I’m tearing up just sitting here thinking about how different things have the potential to be now. I’m praying this works.
One minor note, I do have weakness in my right leg and numbness in my left leg…he thinks this is not going to affect me though…I can’t walk straight right now, but I was very unsteady on my legs for a couple days last time too. Having them wake me up to see if I could move my legs and such was an experience I’d rather forget about (the needles were still in my back and I was moaning pretty loudly because I couldn’t stop). The nurses in recovery also said I was pretty loud compared to my last visit, but they said I was a perfect patient because even through my pain and tears I was apologizing for “inconveniencing” them lol
I’m rambling…I’m going to try to sleep a little more…I can’t lie down in the bed at all so sleeping is a little bit of a challenge as even the recliner is painful. I can’t tell you how happy I feel right now…although I guess that could be a result of xanaflex, phenergen, and vicadin bliss lol
Thanks again everyone
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
And now for something completely different...
OK not that different since I've done it before, but hey, I like Monty Python, so the quote had to be the title :)
A friend posted a blog thing quiz on my board, and well, it reminded me that I needed to post some since I haven't in a while. SO without any further ado...
No huge surprise there...
yeah...ok...
What? By who??
OK THAT one was pretty darned accurate lol
And last but not least, I couldn't resist this one...
Whoa...too funny...and my favorite candy to boot :)
NOW I'm going to tag Carrie at "Chocolate the Other White Meat" and Lynnae at "From Under the Clutter", so find some fun blogthings girls and get posting :)
A friend posted a blog thing quiz on my board, and well, it reminded me that I needed to post some since I haven't in a while. SO without any further ado...
| You Are 24% California |
 You're not from California - don't try to game this quiz! |
No huge surprise there...
| Your Mood Ring is Orange |
 Daring Full of desires |
yeah...ok...
| Your Love Song Is |
 Yellow by Coldplay "Look at the stars, Look how they shine for you, And everything you do, Yeah they were all yellow" You're so in love, it's like a drug. |
What? By who??
| How You Life Your Life |
 You are honest and direct. You tell it like it is. You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences. You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable. |
OK THAT one was pretty darned accurate lol
And last but not least, I couldn't resist this one...
| Snickers |
 Nutty and gooey - you always satisfy. |
Whoa...too funny...and my favorite candy to boot :)
NOW I'm going to tag Carrie at "Chocolate the Other White Meat" and Lynnae at "From Under the Clutter", so find some fun blogthings girls and get posting :)
Another "surgical" procedure...
...is coming up for me...Friday I'm having the more radical one done on my back...it leaves holes about the size of a small soda straw (the last one did anyway and he said this one would be the same) and my back felt like I'd been hit by a truck for a little over a week).
Last time they used anesthesia on the nerves...neural cortexes I think they were called? They're on each side of my abdomen at any rate, and they go in from my back under x-ray guidance. Well, that didn't work. I had minor (very minor) relief for about 6 days, then the pain returned full-force, as did the cramps and spasms.
So this time they're going to cauterize the nerves with alcohol. Usually they only do this on terminal patients...but its gotten to the point where the gal who NEVER wears makeup, even to work, is now wearing full makeup and still can't hide the shadows under her eyes. I'm not sleeping and I've dropped down to 116 pounds...and of course ALL the weight loss is showing in my face, not my ass...and before ya'll say they're interchangeable...someone else already beat you to the punch LOL. So I have a lot more wrinkles and bags under my eyes, and the left side of my face tics almost constantly (had a TIA in 97 and I get facial tics on the left side ever since when I'm really tired). I'm having a lot of trouble eating and I'm so tired and cranky and...well anyway.
I'm praying the outcome will be at least a noticeable reduction in my pain. There is a risk that since the alcohol won't be selective, I could experience weakness in my legs for several months, up to and including losing the use of my legs as far as walking or standing would go. They've assured me that if this happens, it'll only be temporary. The ONLY reason I'm even going to risk it is because this is a very small chance, and I've got to do something.
The only other thing they can do if this doesn't work is an implant and/or narcotics. The implant isn't guaranteed either...and honestly, I don't think I want a pager-sized hunk of metal in my butt. I'm lumpy enough as it is.
I've really tried not to post too much about this, because you guys don't need to see "Kandy's under the weather...Kandy's depressed...Kandy's crying..." all the time. My doctors still can't believe I'm even working. When my abdomen spasms, you can see a lump stand out on my belly, all the way across, roughly rectangular-shaped (with rounded edges though) that's about 6 inches long by 3-4 inches high. The spasms happen at least a dozen times a day, if not more. They double me over and I can't breathe.
A minor improvement would be spectacular news to me. I'm more nervous than I thought I'd be. I can deal with the post-procedural pain...but having the relief last longer than the post-pain this time would be a nice bonus. I guess I just don't want to be disappointed again.
Why am I in so much pain? Let's see...just in case I never blogged about it before, I'll try to tell it in a nutshell.
I had 80% of my liver removed last year...March 6, 2006 to be exact. The tumor in said liver was the size of a soccer ball and weighed 3.6 pounds. They had to break two ribs to get it out intact. The tumor had been encapsulated by my body, which was a darned good thing since they estimate I'd had it for 12-15 years and it being encapsulated kept it from spreading. I was supposed to be in the hospital for one surgery and 5 days max. I ended up being there for 45 days, and they told my husband and mother to prepare for funeral arrangements. During those 45 days, I was only allowed sustenance (food or liquid "meals") for 3 days. The rest of the time I had "feeding" through IV lines. I had to have new IV's every day, sometimes every 6-12 hours, because my veins kept blowing. To this day drawing a tube of blood from me takes several sticks due to the damage my veins incurred last year. I weighed 172 pounds on March 6, 2006. When I came home from the hospital I weighed 111 pounds. I got back up to around 122 until recently, when the pain and sleep loss started making me drop again.
On top of all that, my liver regrew wrong. The liver doesn't regrow in the shape of a normal liver, as I incorrectly assumed. Mine regrew along the path of least resistance, and then kept going. My internal organs were pushed down and around, up to the right, twisting my diaphragm and causing my right lung to be partially collapsed. I have serious shortness of breath all the time, and if I bend over for too long, I black out. I can't bend over to tie my own shoes, much less take care of my toenails.
How do I keep going? Heck if I know. I try to be as positive as possible...not too easy for a bipolar gal...but I do try. I honestly believe working gives me a purpose, and helps keep me from being TOO depressed. Lately though, I'm getting worse, and I see it, and I hate being this way, I really do. I hate who I am...who I'm becoming...I hate what my life has become. This makes me feel even worse because God blessed me and gave my life back to me last year, when I literally saw a vision of hell the night I almost died in the hospital.
So there's my story, and lest you think its all doom and gloom, I really am grateful to be here. It just gets harder and harder to remembber WHY I'm so grateful when all I can think about is how much pain I'm in, how much sleep I'm NOT getting, and how hard its getting to even get through the day when I'm NOT working, much less when I am.
OK...pity party is over.
Last time they used anesthesia on the nerves...neural cortexes I think they were called? They're on each side of my abdomen at any rate, and they go in from my back under x-ray guidance. Well, that didn't work. I had minor (very minor) relief for about 6 days, then the pain returned full-force, as did the cramps and spasms.
So this time they're going to cauterize the nerves with alcohol. Usually they only do this on terminal patients...but its gotten to the point where the gal who NEVER wears makeup, even to work, is now wearing full makeup and still can't hide the shadows under her eyes. I'm not sleeping and I've dropped down to 116 pounds...and of course ALL the weight loss is showing in my face, not my ass...and before ya'll say they're interchangeable...someone else already beat you to the punch LOL. So I have a lot more wrinkles and bags under my eyes, and the left side of my face tics almost constantly (had a TIA in 97 and I get facial tics on the left side ever since when I'm really tired). I'm having a lot of trouble eating and I'm so tired and cranky and...well anyway.
I'm praying the outcome will be at least a noticeable reduction in my pain. There is a risk that since the alcohol won't be selective, I could experience weakness in my legs for several months, up to and including losing the use of my legs as far as walking or standing would go. They've assured me that if this happens, it'll only be temporary. The ONLY reason I'm even going to risk it is because this is a very small chance, and I've got to do something.
The only other thing they can do if this doesn't work is an implant and/or narcotics. The implant isn't guaranteed either...and honestly, I don't think I want a pager-sized hunk of metal in my butt. I'm lumpy enough as it is.
I've really tried not to post too much about this, because you guys don't need to see "Kandy's under the weather...Kandy's depressed...Kandy's crying..." all the time. My doctors still can't believe I'm even working. When my abdomen spasms, you can see a lump stand out on my belly, all the way across, roughly rectangular-shaped (with rounded edges though) that's about 6 inches long by 3-4 inches high. The spasms happen at least a dozen times a day, if not more. They double me over and I can't breathe.
A minor improvement would be spectacular news to me. I'm more nervous than I thought I'd be. I can deal with the post-procedural pain...but having the relief last longer than the post-pain this time would be a nice bonus. I guess I just don't want to be disappointed again.
Why am I in so much pain? Let's see...just in case I never blogged about it before, I'll try to tell it in a nutshell.
I had 80% of my liver removed last year...March 6, 2006 to be exact. The tumor in said liver was the size of a soccer ball and weighed 3.6 pounds. They had to break two ribs to get it out intact. The tumor had been encapsulated by my body, which was a darned good thing since they estimate I'd had it for 12-15 years and it being encapsulated kept it from spreading. I was supposed to be in the hospital for one surgery and 5 days max. I ended up being there for 45 days, and they told my husband and mother to prepare for funeral arrangements. During those 45 days, I was only allowed sustenance (food or liquid "meals") for 3 days. The rest of the time I had "feeding" through IV lines. I had to have new IV's every day, sometimes every 6-12 hours, because my veins kept blowing. To this day drawing a tube of blood from me takes several sticks due to the damage my veins incurred last year. I weighed 172 pounds on March 6, 2006. When I came home from the hospital I weighed 111 pounds. I got back up to around 122 until recently, when the pain and sleep loss started making me drop again.
On top of all that, my liver regrew wrong. The liver doesn't regrow in the shape of a normal liver, as I incorrectly assumed. Mine regrew along the path of least resistance, and then kept going. My internal organs were pushed down and around, up to the right, twisting my diaphragm and causing my right lung to be partially collapsed. I have serious shortness of breath all the time, and if I bend over for too long, I black out. I can't bend over to tie my own shoes, much less take care of my toenails.
How do I keep going? Heck if I know. I try to be as positive as possible...not too easy for a bipolar gal...but I do try. I honestly believe working gives me a purpose, and helps keep me from being TOO depressed. Lately though, I'm getting worse, and I see it, and I hate being this way, I really do. I hate who I am...who I'm becoming...I hate what my life has become. This makes me feel even worse because God blessed me and gave my life back to me last year, when I literally saw a vision of hell the night I almost died in the hospital.
So there's my story, and lest you think its all doom and gloom, I really am grateful to be here. It just gets harder and harder to remembber WHY I'm so grateful when all I can think about is how much pain I'm in, how much sleep I'm NOT getting, and how hard its getting to even get through the day when I'm NOT working, much less when I am.
OK...pity party is over.
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