I need new feet!

OK so this is a truly gross picture, and my feet do NOT look like this (they're not THAT old yet lol) but man, they sure do FEEL like it!

I got to work fully expecting to spend most of my time in Money Center tonight, and instead I was doing CSM duty for 7 of the 8 hours I worked (at least). Granted, I didn't have my own keys or numbers yet, but I borrowed from other CSM's...and considering I was left alone to run the front end for about an hour (with no warning whatsoever) I think I did fairly well.

I LOVED the fact that I got to walk so much...the time really flew by because I wasn't standing in any one place. My back and abdomen didn't hurt as badly either, I assumed from the constant movement keeping me from stiffening up. About an hour before I got off though, my feet started really burning, and I limped out to my van after my shift. I have two new blisters. What the heck? Its not like I've been sitting on my bum the past 8 months...I stand on my feet the entire day...I guess there's just more friction walking back and forth.

I feel good about how I worked tonight...but the real test will come once I'm truly on my own. So far though, so good. I had little to no supervision or instruction out on the floor, and I feel very confident in my performance.

So...all in all...a good day (I just need new feet!)

CSM

I got it :) I do the paperwork tomorrow, and then start officially training on Monday, but in actuality will start tomorrow most likely here and there. I'm also to continue covering Money Center until my replacement is trained and in place.

Yay! Maybe things are looking up...

A little better?

I guess I'm a little better today. Thanks to those of you who are praying and thinking of me. I'm tired, but there's a glimmer of light at the end of this tunnel. I've decided not to do the implant at this time...and I'm debating the alcohol procedure. One of the risks, if the alcohol goes where they don't want it to, is weakness in the legs and thus, inability to walk or stand. It goes away after a few months, but STILL. Something to think about.

I just feel like I'm spiraling out of control in a downwards direction. I need a vacation...a break. Justin may get to go back to Vegas in September, and if he does, he said he'll be able to take me. It may be just what I...and we...need.

As for CSM...I had my second interview today, and again, it went well. My manager said she'd announce it tomorrow, but when she fixed my schedule for this coming week, she did it with "training shifts" in mind, so that gives me great hope. Still...nothing is definite, and I won't allow myself to get my hopes up too much. I just don't want to go down that road again.

And to be honest...do I even REALLY want it? I like working in Money Center. I think what I'll talk to her about is the possibility of going back to Money Center if I get CSM and don't think its a good fit within a certain amount of time. I doubt they'll do that, but if they would, it'd be nice. I'm very good in Money Center.

Its so hard to get excited about anything at this point...but I *think* CSM would be a smart move for me, even if I have to cut my hours. I may NEED to cut my hours...this added strain of working in constant pain probably has a lot to do with my emotional and mental stability.

Just a bunch of crap

Title says a lot.

Pain sucks. I'm getting more and more depressed and angry at the world, and I find myself isolating myself from family, friends, life. I don't want to be here anymore. At all. I can't remember WHY I should be grateful God worked a miracle in my life. I don't want my husband to touch me. I'm just pissed off in general, and at life especially.

I saw Dr. Jolly today...he wants to do the more radical alcohol procedure...or an implant. I'm not sure how I feel about either. I cried almost the entire trip down, and almost the entire visit, and almost the entire way home, and even while I was walking through Wal-Mart afterwards getting a few things I needed. Everyone was looking at the crazy lady walking down the household cleaners aisle sobbing her heart out.

I hate where I'm at. I'm even having trouble finding any joy in my children. Justin took my hand today and said he loved me...out of the blue, and all I could say in return was "I honestly don't think there's anything about me to love," and pulled my hand away from him. I don't want him to touch me. I don't want my kids to hug me. I hate...me.

Migraine? Or not?

Well fun day at work today...I'm going to go to the doctor tomorrow maybe...I had a TIA (kinda like a mini-stroke) back in 1997...and what happened today somewhat reminded me of that. I've had a migraine for DAYS...today it suddenly got so bad, and my vision "halved"...and I kept trying to throw up. Shortly afterwards the migraine became just an annoying dull throbbing, easily handled...but I was slurring my words, having trouble keeping my eyes open, and had NO equilibrium at all. If another associate hadn't caught me, I would have ended up on the floor. I had to sit down for almost 2 hours. I'm still...well its like I'm drunk...you know how when you're buzzing/drunk, and you turn your head and it takes your vision a second to catch up? Like its slightly behind? That's kinda how I feel.

Guess I'll get off my duff...

and take my baby to the park. She wants to go to the zoo, but I can't drive that far today. I was up until 5 this morning, and she woke me up at 6:30. I don't see how she could be so hyper and full of energy when she was up most of the night! But...she is. She's running in place right now while watching Mike and Sully run from Randall in Monster's Inc. Kids.

I'm so comfy...laying here in the recliner in my nightshirt, a kitten asleep on my knees, playing on the internet...oh well. She wants to play and its not raining yet (its stormed every day for the past couple weeks) so I'm going to go take her to have fun.

Course I gotta shower first...and shave my legs. It'd never do to go out all European with and with spikey hair and racoon eyes (since I was too tired last night to take my makeup off). Course, maybe I could start a new fashion ;)

"Being Poor"

One of the ladies on my board posted a link to a blog post called Being Poor. Its a long list of what "poor" people go through on a daily basis. I wanted to post a big post about it, but it would have started a huge controversy on my board, because there are a few folks who live for nothing more than to point out to everyone why they're racist, bigots, insensitive, etc...nevermind that their own comments while they're pointing this out are pretty damned hurtful too. So I'll post my thoughts here instead.

Growing up I was blessed with parents that would do any job, no matter how menial, when my dad would get laid off a lot. He was an oilfield worker, and his rigs kept getting stacked, until he made crane operator...then even if the rig got stacked, he still had a job. I also had family that helped out (and we always helped them when we were able) so I always had clothes and never knew things were tight.

That blog entry didn't make me cry. Guess I'm the cold-hearted one. Most of the things on that list I was thinking "yep, done that...yup, been there". All it did was make me thankful that while some things on the list STILL apply for me, I'm in a position now where I am able to get a few "luxuries" that I never had the opportunity for before I met Justin.

When I left my first husband, he refused to pay child support in an effort to "win" me back I guess...I'm not really sure why and I was never able to pursue the matter, since I had no money for a lawyer so I could go to court for a separation child support maintenance order. I got WIC and commodities for the kids, went to Salvation Army and Christian Services for their weekly and monthly "grocery boxes", and fed the kids whatever food I could beg or borrow. I myself was a restaurant manager and worked EVERY day so that I could use my one free meal a day to feed myself. All of my money went to bills and the largest chunk to daycare. It cost almost as much for daycare for my kids as I made in a week after taxes. My car, which I was so proud of when I'd bought it (and it only had 5 months and it was paid off) was repo'd and there was nothing I could do about it. I was insanely happy to have starved myself down from a size 12 to a size 4 so that I could wear all the pre-pregnancy clothes I had. My mother had to buy clothes for my kids. Their Christmases were thanks to Angel Tree. I applied for food stamps, I applied for welfare, and was turned down because I was still married (but had been separated for 3 years) and even though he lived in another freaking state, they wouldn't help me. The lady said it was because I was the wrong race. I didn't believe that for a long time until I saw some of my employees who I KNEW were on welfare driving brand new cars...and heard them bragging about their $800 A MONTH in food stamps. I went to Legal Aid for assistance in getting my divorce (I couldn't afford a lawyer) and THEY wouldn't help me for the same reasons (my household income was too high, even though my spouse didn't LIVE in my household so his salary should NOT have been a consideration). At the time, I was making $250-275 a week before taxes and receiving no child support. The ONLY aid I had was $398 a month in SSI payments Jared got for his epilepsy, and that stopped after 2 years because I was honest about it when he stopped having seizures.

I never want to go back there, and pray I never have to. I feel for those who still live there, but I can't shed tears for them. I did enough crying for myself.

What's wrong with our country when we spend millions to feed people overseas, and our own citizens are starving themselves? Makes no sense to me and never will. And THAT'S another debate.

MEN...

...the picture should say it all.

Justin's mom has been canning figs the last couple of days. Justin has been helping to pick them, and bought her some sugar and jars so that she'd put up a dozen pints for him. Not us, but him. I asked him to be picking some this weekend, and when I'm off Tuesday I'll try my hand at canning for the first time in my life. No response, other than "Mom would love for you to go up to her kitchen and do it, that way she could help you." Since WHEN have I ever needed help with a freaking recipe? I'm no gourmet cook, but I've almost NEVER had a recipe turn out badly. I have a knack. I just don't particularly care to cook lol.

Here's where the ass part comes in. Last night, he was hinting that he really wants biscuits with his figs (he brought home the dozen pints of figs last night). I was teasing him and saying I was setting my alarm for 9:30. I have to go to work at noon today, so no church for me. In reality I set my alarm for 7:00 so I could get up, tired as I am, and make him some danged biscuits. 7:00 comes and I get up, and...no Justin. Anywhere. I think maybe he ran up the road for something and thankfully I wait around. I do get out the bowl and start hunting up my pastry cutter, after doing my morning stuff in the bathroom. Bekah was being cute and sweet so I stopped to play with her. Finally, at 7:30, I call him. He's on his way back from Hardee's! He went to Hardee's and bought plain biscuits. ARGHHH. So I'm thinking, either I have to get breakfast still for Bekah and me, or just for me.

Yep. He ONLY bought food for himself and Bekah. What an ASS!!! I don't care if he was mad at me (unjustified by the way...this time anyway lol), he could STILL have bought me a sausage biscuit or something.

Yeah, I'm not amused at all.

Is it my own fault?

What a thing to worry about. I finally cornered my manager last night and asked her about CSM, and she said she hadn't made up her mind yet because of something that had happened. Someone (apparently a lot of someones) has been going to her and telling her that *I* said I was going to be the next CSM. I told her what I thought the problem was, and she said that she was still going to interview me again (you interview each time a position opens) but I'm not so sure of the outcome anymore.

Here's where I think I messed up. I trusted 2 CSM's enough to tell them how well I thought my interview had gone when they asked me. I'm pretty sure another CSM overheard me, and I *kinda* trust him too, so didn't worry too much about it, but at the same time he's very tight with my manager, so I'm pretty sure this information may have been misconstrued by him and taken to her. Regardless...I did say I was really confident...and when I talked to her about the CSM position when she changed my schedule for my surgery, I asked her if I "was still..." and she interrupted and said Yes. Now, she was preoccupied, and possibly, very likely, wasn't thinking what *I* was thinking, which was "am I still your choice". I told the CSM's I trusted about this.

Also, another cashier was spreading to EVERYONE that she had a really reliable source, who'd never been wrong, tell her that they'd heard from my manager that I was the next CSM. I walked in the day after the interview, and everyone was congratulating me. It was surreal. I found out they'd all been told by the same cashier, and I went to her. She and I get along, and I was very honest with her and told her I'd had what *I* felt was a great interview, but that nothing had been offered OR accepted, and that while I felt like I had a really good shot at the next position, I also was realistic and knew that someone with more experience could come in at any time and I'd be out the door. When people kept asking me about it, it became somewhat of a running joke, and I was possibly a little too glib or flip or casual in my responses. If you hear something, and then the person you go to and ask isn't categorically denying it...well I could see where that could be interpreted the wrong way. It doesn't mean I like it.

In fact I'm pissed as hell that my comments were taken out of context and presented in a way that I never intended. I can honestly, may God strike me down, say that I NEVER said what my manager told me they were saying I said, but I did allude to it in that I never firmly said "NO, I'm NOT going to be the next CSM."

I'm not sure what to do. I don't think she completely believed me (my word against several) but she indicated I still have a shot at CSM. I've watched my back there...I've been a DARNED hard worker, and I'll toot my own horn and say I've been one of their best, because I have. I have an empathy with the customers that very few of the associates have. I do believe I'm an asset to the company.

I also think this whole misunderstanding is my fault because I was a little careless, and people probably overheard SOME things and filled in the blanks of what they didn't quite hear. I'll definitely be more careful in the future, and they'll then think I'm being bitchy because I'm not talking about ANYTHING LOL. Oh well, you can't win them all.

Yeah, I'm still pissed off about this.

My Country Tis of Thee...

Happy Independence Day America! I love my country...if the National Anthem is playing, I'm standing, saluting, and singing along (even if it is just to myself). I've always been extremely patriotic, and I'm one of those saps that gets all teary-eyed when I see the wind catch the Flag and flutter it out, especially if the National Anthem happens to be playing at the time.

We're a nation that has many liberties and many blessings...I pray for many more for many years to come.

Not that anyone cares...

but yeah, I'm having a crappy week. Hey its only Tuesday...great I have 4 more glorious days to look forward to.

Lets see. Jared is swinging again. We've gotten him back on the Prozac (the doctor said we could wean him off back in May, and he's had a couple episodes, but nothing major). However, the past week I've seen the signs, and a couple nights ago, he came in at 11pm as I was heading out to bed, and we ended up talking until midnight. He's wanting to hurt himself again. He went to the bathroom and I went and woke Justin up and together we talked to him until 1:30 in the morning. He seemed to be better yesterday, but is still down. We started his Prozac back yesterday, so hopefully he'll be feeling better soon. I can't watch him though because he left to go to his dad's for 2 weeks last night. And I didn't get to say goodbye because I got home from work less than 10 min after their dad left with them.

My procedure most definitely did NOT work. There's a slight lessoning of the pain but nothing to write home about. I'm really disappointed and depressed over it. I tried NOT to put too many hopes on this for this exact reason. So now what? They won't do the more radical procedure on me...I won't allow it even if they would. My internal anatomy is NOT the normal anatomy, and I just think it carries too many risks for me personally.

I don't think I'm going to get CSM at work either. I know I was told that I was the leading choice, but that WAS 3 weeks or so ago, and I just feel very negatively about it now. Granted, I'm depressed and paranoid, but I just don't have a warm, fuzzy feeling about it. Its ok, I'll stay in Money Center...I like it there. What I don't like is getting screwed lately on all the closing shifts. The last 3 weeks running, I've been scheduled 3 closing shifts, in relation to everyone else getting 1-2 closing shifts. OK if someone has to have 3, FINE, but rotate it. When I said something, one of the ladies snapped that I didn't close at all the first month, and not to complain now. Um, I didn't close the first month because that wasn't my availability...I opened up my availability and started closing twice a week. However lately, its been 3 times. I'm going to give it until Ana comes back from vacation, and then if I'm still getting the shaft, I'm going to approach my manager and say something. I don't want to cause trouble, but closing, then opening, then closing, then opening, and closing most weekends, is hard on me. I drive farther than anyone else, almost an hour one way, and while its not TOO bad (I get home by 10:30) I do have to get up at 4:30 to be back for 6:30, so that just makes me feel like I'm living at Wal-Mart. I'll figure it out. I'm probably just being crabby anyway.

I don't like feeling this way. I didn't want to blog today..haven't wanted to for a long time. I need to though...I don't want to let it slip, like so many other things in my life. Of course, typing with a kitten who INSISTS on sleeping on my belly, curled up in the crook of one arm, does make things a little difficult (I'm in the recliner on my laptop), but hey, I'll manage. She's too cute to move when she's all sweet and purring and snoring. She even has a little paw tucked up around her ears, just like a kid when they sleep. OK Kiki is good for me, she's making me smile. So even though none of my kids are here for the next couple weeks, I'll survive. Life isn't bad.

UGH

The title says it all. The procedure was not a rousing success, certainly not what I'd hoped. I'm still in a lot of pain abdominally, and now I can add back pain to the list. I also woke up with a migraine this morning...I think because once I get comfortable, I don't move again until I wake up due to the back and abdominal pain...and I think I slept wrong and got my neck out of whack. I'd go to the chiropractor, but well, I wouldn't be able to stand her touching my back. I'm screwed I guess.

Maybe it will gradually improve (the abdominal pain). My impression was that it would pretty much be instantaneous. I could be wrong.

On another note, I've been off work since Monday night. Tuesday was my scheduled day off, and I had Wednesday, yesterday, and today off due to this procedure. I'm supposed to go in and open tomorrow. I will definitely go in, but may have to sit down a lot, and they can kiss it if they say anything. When I'm there, I'm ALWAYS cleaning something, staying busy, doing whatever needs doing. I have a legitimate excuse to sit on my ass this time, and by golly they better not give me grief.

I am worried about work anyway...CSM was supposed to be announced this week, and I've been off since it closed. I hope I haven't shot myself in the foot. If I have, oh well, it really couldn't be helped, now could it? My manager told me to my face last week when we were fixing my schedule for this week that I was still her choice. So we shall see what we shall see.

Well its over...

the "surgery" that is. They used large needles (can't remember if I explained this or not) to anesthetize the nerves in the neural clusters on each side of my abdomen. Dr. Jolly isn't sure if it will help my spasms at all, although he's hopeful. The procedure itself went very quickly...about 30 minutes. I remember going into the procedure room, and I vaguely remember getting up on the table and laying down. Then la la land took over. When I woke up, and was aware that I was awake, Justin was next to my bed in the recovery room and was just so sweet and attentive. I think I'll keep him.

I'm wiped out...between not sleeping a wink last night (I got up and showered at 2:30 because I was still wide awake, and then played WoW until time for us to leave) and the drugs, I have no energy. He said if the block worked, I'll have diarrhea for a day or two, and will also have some low blood pressure issues. I'm very unsteady on my feet, but I'm ok.

So far I can't really tell a difference in my abdomen, but my back is KILLING me. It feels like I pulled several muscles, or someone punched me on each side of my spine. I'm sure by tomorrow that will be better.

So anyway, here's hoping and praying :)

The pool...is cool...

yeah yeah I'm corny. Seriously though, the pool rocks :) ALL day I've wanted to go out and jump in, but Justin did all the work, and I didn't want to get in without him first. He walked through the door at 4:45 and said "What, you're not in the pool?" So we changed and out we went.

Its really nice, a lot bigger than we thought it'd be, and came with an included volleyball game. The net mounts on poles on each side, and the kids are going to LOVE it. They have NO IDEA that we got a pool, much less got it put up. Justin built a 19' square frame and filled it with sand, making sure it was levelled, and the whole set-up is just really nice.

And yes, we ended up skinny dipping in broad daylight. I was stunned that Justin was so risque, but hey, I rolled with it ;-)

Good Old Country Living...

Once again our phone line is having trouble. I can't connect faster than 24k, which means I can't play WoW. I just called the phone company, and sure enough, there's still trouble on the line. Every time lightning gets our line, they come out and fix it, and we have to call them back a day or two (or more) later and say "Guess what, its still not working properly." So now they say it'll be Thursday at the latest before its fixed. Joy.

I CAN play on the satellite, but its very laggy and difficult to do. I wanted to get Shelyna to level 52 dangit LOL. Oh well. I'll live. I suppose I could take my laptop with me in the morning and play at Ochsner on their free hi-speed wireless while I wait for my "surgery." We'll see what happens.

I would literally kill for DSL.

If you died right now...

would you got to Heaven or to Hell?

I'm reading "Left Behind" for the first time. I'm only 12 years behind the times there. Still, I'm about halfway through it and its very difficult to put it down. It reads a lot like John Grisham.

It scares the crap out of me.

God blessed me last year. He saved my life and gave me...not a second chance...but my umpteenth chance. I really started trying to turn my life around. I love God, I've accepted Jesus as my personal savior...I believe he was born of a virgin, walked in sinless perfection for 33 years on this earth, was persecuted and executed, and laid to rest in a tomb, only to rise from the dead in 3 days. I know that he died for our sins, and I've accepted this.

If the Rapture happened tomorrow...would I be taken? Or would I be left behind? I don't want to be left behind...but I'm not secure in my faith.

Please pray for me.

WOULD IT KILL HIM....

to kiss me once in a while??? To REALLY kiss me?? Sheesh.

I come home from work tonight, bone weary and very sore from many, MANY severe muscle spasms in my abdomen this evening. Justin was waiting up for me, or trying to (he passed out in the recliner). I went into the bedroom to change, and he came in and hugged me...REALLY hugged me. It was wonderful. He held me for several minutes, or so it felt...then pulled away, and pecked me on the lips, and walked away.

Um. Dude. A wonderful, incredibly comforting and romantic hug like that, and you end it with a PECK ON THE LIPS???? I'm not saying go tonsil-diving or anything, but COME ON. A lingering kiss isn't asking too much, is it?

We never kiss anymore, and it breaks my heart. A peck on the lips isn't kissing, its an absent-minded swipe at affection that may or may not still be going strong. Its what old married couples do, especially when they've had a few loveless years lately. I don't want to put my marriage into that category.

Would it kill him to sweep me off my feet once in a while? Probably no more than it'd kill me to get up early and cook breakfast for him again like I used to before going back to work. Dangit. I had to go and think rationally, didn't I? *sigh*

Could be better...could be worse...

I don't know...I just haven't felt like keeping up with this lately. I'm so tired...hurting so much...and I honestly feel like I'm having a lot of trouble "keeping it all together."

Someone at work complained to management about something I supposedly did...and I didn't do it, but I kinda did...that doesn't make sense does it? Its against policy to make scheduling changes/arrangements with other associates off the clock...someone came in, we were talking, I mentioned I was having this procedure done next week and was worried about who would work my shifts, she said she was coming back, and I jokingly said "Oh well then you can cover it!" and she laughed and said sure, as soon as she came back she'd see what she could do. That was it. It turned into a story that I called her...and I don't even have her phone number!

My chest hurts so badly...its all from the abdominal troubles...please God, please let this procedure give me some relief. I'm afraid to get my hopes up about it.

I don't know now what's going to happen with CSM...it seems like the past two days I'm being complained about a lot. I know I aggravate some folks...I get manic and talk too much. I try so hard to help, that I end up irritating rather than assisting. I get that. I try to control it, but its getting harder.

Oh well. Screw it. I'll just keep on keeping on, and try to hold it all together. I think I know where some of my meds are...I think I may not be completely out after all. It'll take a couple weeks to start seeing any benefits, but at least it'd be a start.

Drugs? Anyone?

Soooo I'm thinking its beyond time to get back on some medication. I'm doing ok right now...but barely. How do I say this? I'm getting paranoid...beyond belief. I'm imagining things right and left, thinking people are talking/thinking about me...I see/hear/visualize events and conversations, and to be quite honest, I'm not sure if some of them are delusions or if they're real. I just don't know. I don't know what's coming out of my mouth half of the time. I'm not sure of some of the things I've said at work yesterday and today. Have I made sense? Have I sounded like a raving lunatic?

What's wrong with me? Oh yeah, I'm bipolar...and apparently suffering delusions of grandeur. I NEED to be funny. I NEED to be witty. I NEED to be amusing. I NEED to be...wanted.

Father's Day

What a time. We were really worried that Justin's dad was hurt badly yesterday, but it appears that he'll be ok. He's 70, and its so hard to remember that...the man seems immortal. I'd walk through fire for him...he's probably the best man I've ever had the pleasure to know.

I wanted to go see my dad this weekend...but it doesn't look as if that's going to happen. I needed Justin to go with me, and he won't. Its HIS Father's Day too after all, and he doesn't want to go to AR and spend time in a federal prison. I understand...but I haven't seen my dad in 2 years. As soon as he gets back from mowing the church yard, I may go anyway. I specifically got the weekend off so I COULD go and I need to. I miss my daddy...I almost died last year, and he almost died a few weeks ago, and I NEED to see him.

What makes a good father? Is it someone who does everything right? My father in law is that way. Even if he did do something wrong, you'd never know it because he's such...well such a great guy. Is it someone who makes lots of mistakes but is there for you anyway? Sure.

My dad was not a great father...but he's the only one I ever had. Sure I had two stepdads, but not until I was an adult. My dad...he's had his problems...but I was a daddy's girl all the way. Mom shielded me a lot from his more emotional problems...in a way, that was worse, because when I grew up, and he'd react a certain way, it was a complete shock to me...a very rude awakening. Still, after his troubles the past few years, he and I grew a lot closer. He finally realized what it meant when I said I was bipolar...when I told him I was depressed...when I told him I felt like I was going crazy and just wanted to be normal. You see, my problems come through him and his mother...but he was always in denial about himself. I remember the day in 2005 when we were talking on the phone, and he was suicidal...and I just opened up and told him exactly how I'd felt all of my adult life. We talked for four hours, and he cried a lot. He felt guilty that he'd underestimated me...disparaged me...because what I was describing made him realize that I was the one person in his family who could 100% understand what he was going through, and he never gave me the credit or the opportunity. Its so sad that just when we were "finding" each other...we were separated.

Justin is a wonderful father. I almost missed him. I remember sitting in my office at work, depressed because I was coming out of a bad relationship...the only real one I'd had since separating from and divorcing my first husband...and I prayed that God would send me a good man who loved Him, who would love my children as if they were his own...would go to church with me...and I kid you not, Justin walked through the door VERY shortly afterwards. He worked in our Jackson office, and I worked in our Hattiesburg office. We talked a little while he worked on my boss's computer, and he promptly asked me to lunch. I wasn't sure if I was expected to pay or not...and I had no money. My lunch was tuna and crackers that day. So I declined. He came in the next day and asked me to lunch again...and again I declined. While he was working on the computers, he'd send me an IM to "test" them, so I had his screenname and he had mine.

A month later, I saw him online, and felt a nudge to IM him. A whirlwind followed...we IM'd the rest of the day at work, and towards the end of the day, he talked me into giving him my home number. We talked late into the night. The next day, we talked all day on IM, and all NIGHT. I kid you not, until 4:30 or 5:00 the next morning. We were both dragging at work. That was a Wednesday. Thursday he was heading to Poplarville to spend the night with his folks and then drive to a conference with Quixtar in Houston with his mom and sister. We made arrangements to meet at the Hattiesburg mall for supper, and spent about 3 hours together. He tried to kiss me a couple times as he was leaving and I kept ducking my head. All the poor boy got was a hug!

The following week was our first official date...it was the last Thursday in March, 2000. We had dinner, and drove around a lot...he took me to Poplarville to his family farm, and wanted me to meet his parents but they weren't home. We had so much fun, and I finally let him kiss me as I was getting ready to get back in my car and go home. To say the earth moved would be an understatement. I came home very confused and with more questions than answers.

Jared's 6th birthday was the following week, and I let him meet Justin. I was very protective of who got to meet my kids. It was love at first sight. Jared IMMEDIATELY wanted to ride in Justin's truck and did NOT want me to go with them. He had so much fun at Justin's family's farm, and all in all was a great day. It was that week at some point that I knew I was in love with Justin. My friend John and I talked about it a lot. I'd "fallen in love" with and married my first husband in a week...I didn't want to think I was making the same mistake again. John was instrumental in convincing me to tell Justin how I felt.

The following weekend was Easter, and my ex had the kids. Justin and I spent the weekend in Jackson, and I told him Friday night that I loved him. He was stunned and I felt like...well like I'd messed up. The next day we went to the Vicksburg National Park...Civil War site...and had so much fun. We explored all day, and he let it slip that he loved me too. It took him completely by surprise when he said it, but he never looked back from that point. That day is one of the best I have memories of...being in love and not being pressured about anything...it was just wonderful. We'd been dating a day past 2 weeks.

The following weekend...3 weeks into our relationship, he took me to the coast, to dinner at Red Lobster. We were dressed up, because we were supposed to be going to a Quixtar meeting, but we ran late so decided to have dinner and then walk on the beach instead. He got down on one knee on the beach, pulled a box out of his pocket, and proposed to me, in the moonlight, with my beloved ocean in the background.

It all moved so fast...we were married 4 months later, and while we've had a couple rough spots in our marriage...August will make 7 years, and I've never looked back. God blessed us with Bekah...a miracle if ever there was one. Justin wasn't supposed to be able to have children...and Bekah herself was a twin. We lost the twin around 7-8 weeks gestation, and I went on complete bed rest so I wouldn't lose her too. They were fraternal thankfully. We get mad at each other...and sometimes yell during our fights. We don't go to bed mad, and I honestly believe I'll be married to him until one or both of us dies. We're such complete opposites...and yet I love him more every day that goes by.

How did this Father's Day turn into a walk down memory lane with Justin? Not sure. All I know is that God does answer our prayers...sometimes we miss it, sometimes we're lucky enough to catch it by the skin of our teeth. Justin is a strict man, but he's also a loving and generous man...and never considers himself to be a father of 1. He always talks about "my kids"...not "my stepkids." He loves them as much as he loves Bekah...or if he doesn't quite, you'd never know it by his actions and words. Its really hard on him to share them with my ex-husband, because he feels like they're his children...but he's gracious about it and my kids...all 3 of them...know that if they ever need anything...he's here for them.

Last of all...this Father's Day, we need to remember our Heavenly Father...without whom NOTHING would be possible. I myself forget to be as grateful as I should be...to give thanks as often as I should. I'll be making more of an effort to do so...take more time to pray and read the Bible than I've been doing. God has been so generous with me, and I've been less than the perfect daughter. Its time I worked on that a lot more than I've been doing lately.

Happy Father's Day!