I need a vacation

I really do! I was really questioning taking the CSM position before I took it, and I've wondered this past week if God is letting me know I made the wrong decision. Justin doesn't think so, but I'm not so sure.

Today was just...awful. I teared up several times because I was just so MAD. I knew that I'd be working Money Center more than CSM this week. I have no problems with that. The problem I have is the same one...being pulled off learning CSM stuff in order to, for instance, SCRUB GARBAGE CANS. Two other CSM's knew how pissed off I was just from the look on my face, so I'm NOT doing a good job controlling my facial expressions. They couldn't believe I was told to scrub garbage cans. For the record, I never did scrub them...couldn't find a brush and I wasn't going to use my hands.

Then, the cousin of a girl I had a "run-in" with on Monday about a return I approved on Friday told a CSM that I was telling cashiers to straighten up or I was going to fire them. I was told to "watch what you say." I finally had enough and said I was NOT going to watch what I say, because I never said I was going to fire anyone, even in jest. I got so mad over it I was ready to do a complaint against both cashiers (the cousins, that is). I decided to be the bigger person, and I'm just going to ignore it for now. I documented it though, and if the first one disrespects me again, I WILL write her up, and start a paper trail. I'm sick and tired of people saying I've said things that I haven't said.

There is a definite campaign going on to get me in trouble. I know the ringleaders, and I know why. A lot of it is resentment because I got CSM. I believe its the same ones who spread the tale to my old manager that I was going around telling everyone I was going to be the next CSM, when I never said THAT either. That didn't work, so now they're trying this. Management told me to take it in stride, that people are going to continually talk. I get that, I really do...but they (management) need to HELP me in this, by taking any accusation that's proven unfounded and coaching the accuser. If they make a few "gossip examples" maybe it wouldn't be so incredibly rampant. I've never known a workplace to be so full of gossipmongers and to have such an active rumor mill.

I hate griping all the time...but ya know, I'm in so much pain the past couple days, and I'm not sleeping (without taking a xanaflex for the pain anyway) and I'm so...well I just have such a short fuse. This is NOT me. I want to just go back to Money Center, but I get a real sense of enjoyment out of the few CSM duties I've been allowed to perform so far. Saturday night, I KNOW I was a real asset to the company because I stayed late when we had only 1 CSM and I ran my feet off helping her out.

Days like today though...I really do get very frustrated. I pray that after my procedure, I have a better mood and temperament...please Lord, PLEASE let this procedure give me some relief! I'm so tired of being ... well mean all the time...

Just shoot me!

UGH. I'm so tired its not even funny. I've been training for CSM this week, and I can think of more pleasant experiences...such as having teeth pulled. I kid you not, the whole thing has been so unorganized its not even funny. It took WEEKS for them to get their acts together and get the offer out there, and then another week and a half to actually get me in the computer...SO I was borrowing other CSM's numbers just to do my job...when I was allowed to do it.

Take yesterday for instance. I was SUPPOSED to work the book all morning. Instead, the CSM training me had me doing all the tasks that cashiers should have been doing...getting ready for inventory. At one point I was cleaning out from under bookshelves (let me tell you, it was NASTY) while 3 or 4 cashiers stood around flapping their jaws. I didn't do ANYTHING resembling a CSM's job. I ran cash registers all day and cleaned and scrubbed. I learned NOTHING and was very very close to walking out and telling them where they could stick their promotion.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind doing these things that need to be done...I'm humble enough to understand that we all pitch in when we're needed. I had two problems with what happened yesterday:
1. I was supposed to be training, and learned NOTHING new, and am expected to be trained within a week...and had been training since Monday and still knew nothing much at all.
2. There were cashiers standing around goofing off when they could have been doing the busy work that I was doing, and *I* could have been learning.

I feel like I wasn't utilized in the way I could/should have been, and it irritated me to no end. I left work in tears and so pissed off that I'm surprised I kept my mouth shut long enough to leave without quitting.

Today was much better, but everything is sore and I'm tired. I have a tension headache and just want to go to bed for a week. I had fun though, other than the expected run-ins with some of the cashiers who are disgruntled that I'm going to be "over" them now. Oh well. As time goes on, it'll get better.

I need new feet!

OK so this is a truly gross picture, and my feet do NOT look like this (they're not THAT old yet lol) but man, they sure do FEEL like it!

I got to work fully expecting to spend most of my time in Money Center tonight, and instead I was doing CSM duty for 7 of the 8 hours I worked (at least). Granted, I didn't have my own keys or numbers yet, but I borrowed from other CSM's...and considering I was left alone to run the front end for about an hour (with no warning whatsoever) I think I did fairly well.

I LOVED the fact that I got to walk so much...the time really flew by because I wasn't standing in any one place. My back and abdomen didn't hurt as badly either, I assumed from the constant movement keeping me from stiffening up. About an hour before I got off though, my feet started really burning, and I limped out to my van after my shift. I have two new blisters. What the heck? Its not like I've been sitting on my bum the past 8 months...I stand on my feet the entire day...I guess there's just more friction walking back and forth.

I feel good about how I worked tonight...but the real test will come once I'm truly on my own. So far though, so good. I had little to no supervision or instruction out on the floor, and I feel very confident in my performance.

So...all in all...a good day (I just need new feet!)

CSM

I got it :) I do the paperwork tomorrow, and then start officially training on Monday, but in actuality will start tomorrow most likely here and there. I'm also to continue covering Money Center until my replacement is trained and in place.

Yay! Maybe things are looking up...

A little better?

I guess I'm a little better today. Thanks to those of you who are praying and thinking of me. I'm tired, but there's a glimmer of light at the end of this tunnel. I've decided not to do the implant at this time...and I'm debating the alcohol procedure. One of the risks, if the alcohol goes where they don't want it to, is weakness in the legs and thus, inability to walk or stand. It goes away after a few months, but STILL. Something to think about.

I just feel like I'm spiraling out of control in a downwards direction. I need a vacation...a break. Justin may get to go back to Vegas in September, and if he does, he said he'll be able to take me. It may be just what I...and we...need.

As for CSM...I had my second interview today, and again, it went well. My manager said she'd announce it tomorrow, but when she fixed my schedule for this coming week, she did it with "training shifts" in mind, so that gives me great hope. Still...nothing is definite, and I won't allow myself to get my hopes up too much. I just don't want to go down that road again.

And to be honest...do I even REALLY want it? I like working in Money Center. I think what I'll talk to her about is the possibility of going back to Money Center if I get CSM and don't think its a good fit within a certain amount of time. I doubt they'll do that, but if they would, it'd be nice. I'm very good in Money Center.

Its so hard to get excited about anything at this point...but I *think* CSM would be a smart move for me, even if I have to cut my hours. I may NEED to cut my hours...this added strain of working in constant pain probably has a lot to do with my emotional and mental stability.

Is it my own fault?

What a thing to worry about. I finally cornered my manager last night and asked her about CSM, and she said she hadn't made up her mind yet because of something that had happened. Someone (apparently a lot of someones) has been going to her and telling her that *I* said I was going to be the next CSM. I told her what I thought the problem was, and she said that she was still going to interview me again (you interview each time a position opens) but I'm not so sure of the outcome anymore.

Here's where I think I messed up. I trusted 2 CSM's enough to tell them how well I thought my interview had gone when they asked me. I'm pretty sure another CSM overheard me, and I *kinda* trust him too, so didn't worry too much about it, but at the same time he's very tight with my manager, so I'm pretty sure this information may have been misconstrued by him and taken to her. Regardless...I did say I was really confident...and when I talked to her about the CSM position when she changed my schedule for my surgery, I asked her if I "was still..." and she interrupted and said Yes. Now, she was preoccupied, and possibly, very likely, wasn't thinking what *I* was thinking, which was "am I still your choice". I told the CSM's I trusted about this.

Also, another cashier was spreading to EVERYONE that she had a really reliable source, who'd never been wrong, tell her that they'd heard from my manager that I was the next CSM. I walked in the day after the interview, and everyone was congratulating me. It was surreal. I found out they'd all been told by the same cashier, and I went to her. She and I get along, and I was very honest with her and told her I'd had what *I* felt was a great interview, but that nothing had been offered OR accepted, and that while I felt like I had a really good shot at the next position, I also was realistic and knew that someone with more experience could come in at any time and I'd be out the door. When people kept asking me about it, it became somewhat of a running joke, and I was possibly a little too glib or flip or casual in my responses. If you hear something, and then the person you go to and ask isn't categorically denying it...well I could see where that could be interpreted the wrong way. It doesn't mean I like it.

In fact I'm pissed as hell that my comments were taken out of context and presented in a way that I never intended. I can honestly, may God strike me down, say that I NEVER said what my manager told me they were saying I said, but I did allude to it in that I never firmly said "NO, I'm NOT going to be the next CSM."

I'm not sure what to do. I don't think she completely believed me (my word against several) but she indicated I still have a shot at CSM. I've watched my back there...I've been a DARNED hard worker, and I'll toot my own horn and say I've been one of their best, because I have. I have an empathy with the customers that very few of the associates have. I do believe I'm an asset to the company.

I also think this whole misunderstanding is my fault because I was a little careless, and people probably overheard SOME things and filled in the blanks of what they didn't quite hear. I'll definitely be more careful in the future, and they'll then think I'm being bitchy because I'm not talking about ANYTHING LOL. Oh well, you can't win them all.

Yeah, I'm still pissed off about this.

Not that anyone cares...

but yeah, I'm having a crappy week. Hey its only Tuesday...great I have 4 more glorious days to look forward to.

Lets see. Jared is swinging again. We've gotten him back on the Prozac (the doctor said we could wean him off back in May, and he's had a couple episodes, but nothing major). However, the past week I've seen the signs, and a couple nights ago, he came in at 11pm as I was heading out to bed, and we ended up talking until midnight. He's wanting to hurt himself again. He went to the bathroom and I went and woke Justin up and together we talked to him until 1:30 in the morning. He seemed to be better yesterday, but is still down. We started his Prozac back yesterday, so hopefully he'll be feeling better soon. I can't watch him though because he left to go to his dad's for 2 weeks last night. And I didn't get to say goodbye because I got home from work less than 10 min after their dad left with them.

My procedure most definitely did NOT work. There's a slight lessoning of the pain but nothing to write home about. I'm really disappointed and depressed over it. I tried NOT to put too many hopes on this for this exact reason. So now what? They won't do the more radical procedure on me...I won't allow it even if they would. My internal anatomy is NOT the normal anatomy, and I just think it carries too many risks for me personally.

I don't think I'm going to get CSM at work either. I know I was told that I was the leading choice, but that WAS 3 weeks or so ago, and I just feel very negatively about it now. Granted, I'm depressed and paranoid, but I just don't have a warm, fuzzy feeling about it. Its ok, I'll stay in Money Center...I like it there. What I don't like is getting screwed lately on all the closing shifts. The last 3 weeks running, I've been scheduled 3 closing shifts, in relation to everyone else getting 1-2 closing shifts. OK if someone has to have 3, FINE, but rotate it. When I said something, one of the ladies snapped that I didn't close at all the first month, and not to complain now. Um, I didn't close the first month because that wasn't my availability...I opened up my availability and started closing twice a week. However lately, its been 3 times. I'm going to give it until Ana comes back from vacation, and then if I'm still getting the shaft, I'm going to approach my manager and say something. I don't want to cause trouble, but closing, then opening, then closing, then opening, and closing most weekends, is hard on me. I drive farther than anyone else, almost an hour one way, and while its not TOO bad (I get home by 10:30) I do have to get up at 4:30 to be back for 6:30, so that just makes me feel like I'm living at Wal-Mart. I'll figure it out. I'm probably just being crabby anyway.

I don't like feeling this way. I didn't want to blog today..haven't wanted to for a long time. I need to though...I don't want to let it slip, like so many other things in my life. Of course, typing with a kitten who INSISTS on sleeping on my belly, curled up in the crook of one arm, does make things a little difficult (I'm in the recliner on my laptop), but hey, I'll manage. She's too cute to move when she's all sweet and purring and snoring. She even has a little paw tucked up around her ears, just like a kid when they sleep. OK Kiki is good for me, she's making me smile. So even though none of my kids are here for the next couple weeks, I'll survive. Life isn't bad.

UGH

The title says it all. The procedure was not a rousing success, certainly not what I'd hoped. I'm still in a lot of pain abdominally, and now I can add back pain to the list. I also woke up with a migraine this morning...I think because once I get comfortable, I don't move again until I wake up due to the back and abdominal pain...and I think I slept wrong and got my neck out of whack. I'd go to the chiropractor, but well, I wouldn't be able to stand her touching my back. I'm screwed I guess.

Maybe it will gradually improve (the abdominal pain). My impression was that it would pretty much be instantaneous. I could be wrong.

On another note, I've been off work since Monday night. Tuesday was my scheduled day off, and I had Wednesday, yesterday, and today off due to this procedure. I'm supposed to go in and open tomorrow. I will definitely go in, but may have to sit down a lot, and they can kiss it if they say anything. When I'm there, I'm ALWAYS cleaning something, staying busy, doing whatever needs doing. I have a legitimate excuse to sit on my ass this time, and by golly they better not give me grief.

I am worried about work anyway...CSM was supposed to be announced this week, and I've been off since it closed. I hope I haven't shot myself in the foot. If I have, oh well, it really couldn't be helped, now could it? My manager told me to my face last week when we were fixing my schedule for this week that I was still her choice. So we shall see what we shall see.

Electrifying Experience--Part 2

Yep, it happened again. A couple tried to steal a TV from Wal-Mart today. The woman tried to escape through the TLE department with it, where her male cohort was circling the parking lot in a van. When pursued, she tried to jump through the window of the van, but was tazered in the process, causing her to eat pavement. The guy decides to try to escape past the police car that was blocking the entrance into the side-lot where TLE is, and instead crumpled the front of his van and the side panel of the police car.

I can't wait for this to hit the news...it was a funny day. When will people learn? I mean honestly, is it REALLY worth the risk??

CSM Interview

I was interviewed today for CSM (Customer Service Manager). It went really well, and I should hopefully be a CSM within a month at the longest. Dara was a CSM at the old store, so she has seniority over me...but they'll be hiring a total of 3 CSMs, so its all good.

The problem is that its strictly a part-time position. I can't afford to drop below 30 hours a week...and if I'm going to work 5 days, and have less hours each of those days, I'll be spending the same amount of money on gas for what amounts to a pay-cut, not a pay-raise. However, if I can get all my time in on 4 days, then it won't be so bad. Hopefully it'll turn into full-time even though they say right now that there will be no more full-time CSM positions.

We'll see what we'll see...

Reverse Discrimination

Living in the south, I've often witnessed this, but never in a REAL personal way. Sure, I've been called names, accused of being a racist, various other things, usually by black people. But today topped the cake.

I was treated very nastily today. I was taken aback, because I've never done anything TO this person, never talked bad about them, I've often said hello to them, and was confused because I was glared at or outright ignored. The whole situation has been strange, but because I rarely work with this person, I rarely thought a whole lot about it, and just chalked it up to them having a bad day.

Today, after a couple nasty incidents that rubbed me the wrong way, it got even worse, and I finally confronted said person. "What have I done to piss you off?"..."Nothing."..."Then why are you so nasty to me?"..."Because you're white."..."Excuse me??"..."Because you're white and you think everything should be for you."..."I do???"..."All whites do. All ya'll do is keep us down...look at what happened after The Storm...white America only cares about white America." My response...after a moment of slack-jawed shock? "I'm so sorry for you. Nothing I can say can remove your hatred, and you must be very unhappy." I walked away to the tune of "White bitch" ringing in my ears.

Should I report it? Probably. Will I? No. What purpose would it serve? I'm going to TRY to put it behind me, not an easy thing to do considering how empathetic and paranoid I am, but I'm going to try my best. I've done nothing wrong...I'd say 98% of the blacks in our store like me (that know me). I have a history of racism in my family in the worst way, and maybe if I'm guilty of anything, its trying too hard NOT to be a racist. Does that in turn make me a racist? Maybe...its something I'll have to think about in depth.