Dark times?

I'm having a rough go of it lately. Where to start?

I was asked to consider CSM (Customer Service Manager) at work. I was told I was a virtual shoe-in for the position. I had SEVERAL CSM's recommend me as their pick. I was not chosen...Daniel was. Now, I'm happy for Daniel...he's going to be a really good CSM. He's kind, he's smart, he's patient and considerate to the customers, even the hard to deal with ones, and while he gets along with darned near everyone, he isn't "buddy buddy" like some of the CSM's are. He's going to do really well. I was told I wasn't picked because I don't have open availability. They also want to move me over to the Customer Service desk, but again, I don't have open availability, so I told them I'd think about it and see what I could do with the availability issue.

I'm actually somewhat relieved. Yes, I DID want it...I DO want it...but I prayed that God would show me...and he did. I'm really really stressed out, and sliding down again, and the last thing I need is the stress of a new position, management at that. I LOVE my job and don't want to lose it or do anything to mess it up like I do so often due to the bipolar crap. Right now, just about everyone loves me, literally...I'm not just saying that to make myself look good. I feel HAPPY at work...I'm well-liked, everyone wants to work with me whenever we do anything in pairs/groups...oh that feels so good and gives me a MUCH needed boost.

I'm feeling though...ragged out. The pain has gotten better lately actually...I'm not even having to take Tylenol PM to sleep most nights. Oh its still there, don't get me wrong, but either I'm dealing with it better or its lessened a lot. However, 3-4 nights a week I'm in terrible pain...but that's an improvement from 7 nights a week. Tonight for instance...I'm on percoset, phenergen, and Tylenol PM. I had no choice. I got up and went to the bathroom, and emptying my bladder caused that terrible pain behind my incision again...I don't understand it...if anything it should LESSEN pain because its not pushing on anything when its empty, but instead, it always makes it worse. I started crying it hurt so bad. For a solid hour, whenever I got up and had to walk, I had to do it completely bent over at the waist because if I straightened up I wanted to scream from the pain.

THIS kind of pain is what gets to me. I'm sick and TIRED of saying "I'm in terrible pain, please do something about it" every time I go to the doctor. I'm sick and tired of hearing "I don't know what to tell you..." from the doctors. I've had a couple recommendations for a pain clinic and pain specialist, but the doctors recommending were supposed to also get an appointment for me, and that hasn't happened yet. Not only that, every time I've remembered to call myself, I haven't been able to due to working...and then when I remember again its too late or the weekend or whatever.

I haven't cried for Dick yet. I haven't cried for Mamaw yet. I feel like the absolute worst person in the world. I loved Dick...I was crazy about him. I miss being able to call him and ask advice on some theological point...or seeing a history show on TV and being able to call him and tell him its on so we can "watch" it together over the phone. I miss hearing him teach his classes (Sunday School and special religious study groups). He was THERE for me in the hospital last year. He was THERE when Bekah was born, and was soooo proud. He was there for me when Mom would have one of her ... well, she'd need to vent and I was her target. She honestly had no idea how she treats those of us she loves...and we forgive her because ... if I needed a kidney, Mom would give me hers. If I needed a lung, Mom would give me hers. If I needed a HEART, Mom would give me hers if she could find a doctor to do it. She would do anything for anyone that she loves, and anything in her power for just about anyone regardless of how well she knows them. She's one of the best people I know...she just has a real issue with anxiety and stress.

Digressing from Dick...I'm terrified for Mom. She has ... crap must be the drugs, I can't remember the name, but her heart is NOT in good shape. She's collecting fluid, and has to take a nitro pill more times than I'm comfortable with. She's under a terrible amount of stress, and...oh God I can't lose her...not now. She took care of me in the hospital...massaged my feet and legs for hours when the meds and such gave me terrible cramps...bathed me...shaved my legs...brushed my hair...sang to me...cheered me up...PRAYED WITH ME and for me. She saved my life...I know I almost died the night I had my "vision" in the hospital, and she prayed with me and helped me get saved again. No matter what anyone thinks, I believe I would have died that night if I hadn't turned to God.

Mamaw. I'm the worst granddaughter in the world. I'll post more on that later. I'm too exhausted now. Jared came in and we talked for 35 min and now the drugs are kicking my butt.

Mamaw...

Mamaw died Monday, March 12, sometime before dawn.

As for how I'm feeling right now...I'm just going to cut and paste from a post on my board earlier...

Every time I've started to "lose it"...I've been interrupted. Tonight Justin started snoring while I was talking about Mamaw so I rolled over to sleep, and started to sob...shoulders shaking, pulling my hair, but not making any sound...and it woke him up and he held me and told me to let it out and I took a deep breath and STARTED to...and his mom called (10:24 mind you). I immediately dried up. So now I'm talking to Mom on the phone and I just...I...heck. I guess I'm in shock or something. I was expecting it...I'm relieved...she told me she never dated (after Papaw died) because she'd loved greatly and why settle for anything less...so I know she's with Papaw and happy and picking at Dick and Jay (my two stepdads) and holding her babies again (Billy Wayne and Freddy)...and I know I'm grieving for me...but God this sucks!

Jared is talking to Mom on the phone now...he sprained his wrist playing outside with some of the cousins this evening...and I'm trying to hold it together because he's been crying off and on since yesterday...but I just want to crawl into a hole somewhere.

I don't think I'm going to say anything at the funeral...I'm not sure what to say anyway...and I have a feeling I'd choke up too much. I'd like to sing for her, but I'm not sure that I can. The tulips Karan and I bought for her are gorgeous...and we're going to plant the bulbs on her grave, and that would please her. Maybe I'll ask Carol to send me some more bulbs from Holland (she can get some cheap that are outrageous here).

I'm rambling. I've been awake for close to 48 hours...lets see...42 hours now. Mamaw was THE most important person in my life growing up...and I want to slap all my cousins and uncles and aunts so much. Well not my cousin Chan or my uncle David...they were with Mom and me a lot as far as visiting/taking care of Mamaw...but the rest of them can take a flying leap for all I care. Tonight they were saying she didn't look like herself...well no, she's been embalmed, was wearing makeup for the first time in her life, but she was so beautiful to me...and I finally had enough and snapped "Well if you'd bothered to visit her at all in the last 2 years you'd see how beautiful she looks, and that it DOES look like her because this is how she was looking lately!!" and I had to just walk out of the funeral home and sit down on the grass and stare at the sky so I wouldn't cry or scream.

I knew it was going to hurt...I knew it was going to suck. I told Justin that Mamaw never did anything bad...she was a genuinely good person through and through, and if this happening to her was a punishment for something she did wrong earlier in life, then I'm SCREWED. Then I said that she didn't have to know Daddy or Uncle Charles (her oldest child) were in prison, or that Dick had died, so maybe it was a blessing...but oh man. Mrs. McGilberry, her roommate, heard her struggling for breath and got up and called the nurses but they didn't come in, and she held Mamaw's hand until she stopped breathing...she said she never woke up so we know it was peaceful at least.

I miss you so much Mamaw...now more than ever...but I'm praying that you and Papaw and Billy Wayne and Freddy and Jay and Dick and your brother and sisters and your parents...I pray you're all having a grand reunion up in Heaven right now...

Has it really been over a month??

Wow how time flies when you're having fun...and when you're not having fun...

The job is going well. It was really hard at first, getting my body used to working again, but I'm into the swing of things now and for the most part I enjoy my job. The people are nice and I've done very well fitting in and exceeding expectations :)

Dick, my stepdad, died suddenly last week...Wednesday, December 6th. None of us were expecting it, and Mom is still somewhat in a state of shock I think. She's holding up well but worried and anxious about the future. I think she's going to pull through just fine...she's the Minister of Music at the church that she and Dick were helping to found, and that has really served to help her keep busy.

I miss Dick. When I was so sick in March and April, all I had to do was ask Mom to call Dick and tell him I wanted him there for my next surgery, and he'd be down within a couple hours, spending the night on that uncomfortable little couch in my hospital room. He was a truly righteous man, and I know he's in Heaven now...but we miss him so much :( His funeral was beautiful...full military honors.

I'm getting over the flu...apparently I got it from someone at the funeral. I'm proud though, I didn't miss a single day of work, even though I haven't been able to speak above a whisper since Thursday night lol. I took Bekah to the doctor Monday, and she confirmed that we both had the flu. Thank God for Tamiflu.

That's basically all I've been doing...I go to work, come home, sleep, go to work, come home, sleep...you get the picture. I was able to buy Christmas for Justin and the kids and I'm so happy about that. Justin is stressing because he has 3 presents under the tree from me and doesn't have a clue what to get me, nor does he think he'll have the money. I've hinted around at what I'd like...one of the massage cushions like his Mom has...a new Betty Crocker cookbook (mine is 7-9 years old and I need a new one)...Bath and Body Works gift set (Moonlight Path, my favorite scent). I'm not hard to please...there's nothing I really need, and nothing I really WANT all that badly. I just want my family to enjoy their Christmas...

So anyway...I'll try to keep up with this better now that I'm doing well at work and feel like I can have a life again :)

I got a job!!!

Yippee! I was so stressing over finances Wednesday, and that evening I got a call from Walmart wanting me to come interview. I went Thursday, and even though the experience itself was a nightmare (I don't even want to get into it, but it took over 4 hours!), they offered me $9.20 an hour to cashier. That's INSANE money down here. I go for orientation next Friday. They wanted me Tuesday but I have an appointment with my surgeon on Tuesday that I can't change.

SO now I'll be able to buy Christmas for my kids. I'm not going to be making a huge amount of money after gas, taxes, and tithes, but any extra will help, not to mention the discount will also help.

I'm excited :)

What a slacker!!!

I've been slacking. I admit it. I've thought several times about blogging over the past couple weeks, but I just didn't feel "up to it." Likely excuse...the fact is I've been in a funk and didn't want to just blog about poor pitiful me. Although I'm not the only one who's been slacking on the blog *coughTenacough*!

Justin had a bit of a nervous breakdown the other night...terrified the heck out of me. He was nasty to me quite a bit, and it really hurt because he never realized he was doing it. Its so out of character for him. Finances just suck...we're in a real bind.

What hurt most was seeing him lose it a bit. He is my rock...my foundation. He keeps me stable...when I'm having wild mood swings or feeling like I want to cut again, he's always there for me, always stabilizing me. Suddenly HE needed something, and I couldn't give it because I was feeling so lost myself.

We got through it and are doing better. We've made some changes financially in our lives...we're cutting back to one cellphone...we cut the satellite off and put up a tv antenna (that doesn't work half the time for some reason even though its a brand new 120-mile antenna). We're pulling Bekah out of daycare, and I cried most of the day yesterday about it. Even Justin was upset after he talked to them about it and they were SO understanding. My mother in law will keep her and "teach" her...she's delayed with her language and understanding, and daycare has really helped her by leaps and bounds, but with me not working, it just isn't an option anymore. MIL is insisting on having her in the mornings until at least after lunch each day...I'm not real sure how I feel about that, because I'll have to go pick her up, and I just haven't felt up to dealing with MIL the past few weeks. She's a good person...we just kind of clash with our ideas and such.

I've been having another health issue the past few days...but don't want to get into it here, if ever lol. Its one of those TMI situations that I just don't want to deal with. My sleep schedule is out of whack too, and I need to get back onto a decent schedule.

I'm feeling really guilty about sitting out of church the past few weeks too. I've been feeling so rotten and having so much pain, and I've been using it as an excuse. I need to get back to God...I've been feeling distant from Him lately and that's part of my problem.

So. I'm a slacker. I really gotta fix that. OH and I'm honest enough to admit that PART of the reason I've been slacking is that I've been spending a LOT of time playing WoW. Last night and this morning though I just couldn't get into playing...so the blahs and slacking have spread over even into that. I need to get motivated and get out and do something. I need to go back to work. I need to do SOMETHING. I really want to feel better, and soon. So it's time I did something about it.

Almost 5 years...

Almost 5 years. Five years of what, you might ask? Five years of being part of a community that has come to mean so much to me. On February 1, 2002, we conceived our little Bekah Boo. I found out on February 27...my 32nd birthday. I was so excited, and the first thing I did was go onto Parents Place at iVillage and find the October 2002 Expecting Club and introduce myself.

The board was so full of drama I almost left a few times, but I stuck it out. You put a couple hundred pregnant, hormonal women together, and there's bound to be SOME drama. Oh the times we had...

We went through a rough time with people leaving because they hated the new board format that iVillage switched to in March 2003. I hated it too but I stuck it out as long as I could. Finally, when I saw that there was no way we were going to be able to maintain our wonderful core group, I went to ezboard and created the board there, and we've been together on it ever since.

I've had disagreements with some of the members, and I've cried with some of the members. I've met a very few of them and treasured the meeting. I've talked with quite a few on the phone. I've agonized and sympathized. And I was stunned at the outpouring of love and support, not to mention the PRAYERS, that I was blessed with when I was in the hospital for 45 days and battling cancer and fighting for my life. Knowing I had so many people praying for me and supporting me meant the world to me and I KNOW it helped me make it through.

I find myself thinking back to a time before I was pregnant with Bekah, before I found this wonderful community of ladies, and it just stuns me. I feel like we've been together forever...my best friends are on this board, though I doubt they realize I look at them that way.

God blessed me when He gave Bekah to me...and He blessed me when He helped me find my board.

A great night last night!

Last night was a good night...I gave in and took a darvocet. Then I felt nauseated and was trying not to throw up, so I took a phenergen. A couple hours later I took another darvocet (I can have 2 every 6 hours). Finally around 11p.m. I lay down to try to sleep, and I slept all night. I woke up hurting, but the pain was alleviated for most of the night, and that's a good thing. My doctor's nurse was adamant yesterday that I should take the pills when I'm hurting, so that's one reason I gave in.

I had to turn the heat on this morning...fall is finally here. We had a cold front move through last night. Personally I don't need the heat, but Bekah does. I don't want my baby getting sick. I like the cooler weather though. Its always such a relief.

Justin and his dad are picking up the tin for our porch roof this morning. I'm SO excited about having a real roof up there instead of a tarp. He'll probably be working all today on getting it installed, but that's ok. My porch will officially be FINISHED!!!

Happy Birthday to my Baby

Today my "baby" turns 4 years old. Technically it's about 7 hours from now, but who wants to be technical! I'm thrilled that she's such a big girl, but sad too because she's my last child. Still, she was a miracle to begin with, and we've been so blessed to have her.

We had her birthday party last night. There was a strong Dora theme...all but one of her presents was Dora of some sort lol. She had a Dora cake, Dora cups, plates and napkins, and Dora is sleeping in her bed with her right now.

Happy birthday Rebekah Karan...know that you are greatly loved by us all :)

It gets old!

Pain that is...I was doing better today, although woozy a lot when I got up this morning so I went back to bed until around 10:30 and the wooziness wasn't nearly as bad when I got up then. I've taken it easy today, trying to make sure I don't overdo it. I fixed the chicken and rice (for supper) at 3:30 and covered it and left it on the stove to put in later (it takes an hour and a half total cook time). At 4:30 I got up, went in, put the dish in the oven, and was about to fry up the bacon for the green beans when the pain hit me with a vengeance. I doubled over and hollered "OH" before I could stop myself, and Jared dropped his book and came running. I hate that I did that in front of him. He's my kid, not my doctor or my servant, and I hate worrying him. Long story a tad bit shorter, HE fried up the bacon for me. All I did was add the green beans and water.

Still...supper is in progress and its ok for me to take it easy right now. I'll get up in about 20 minutes and make the biscuits and put those in to bake when I take the tin foil off the chicken and rice. Then the family will be taken care of and I can rest easier. Thank goodness I planned an easy supper tonight!

I'm afraid I'm in a rut with my health. I was doing and feeling so much better, and all of September and October I've been in and out of hospitals and doctors' offices. I THINK I'm better, but you couldn't tell it by my symptoms. The worst is this chronic pain. I've heard of people having chronic pain, but never thought it'd happen to me. I'm not even sure if this is what's wrong with me...all I know is that I hurt all the time and its REALLY affecting my moods. Try being bipolar and dealing with those issues and then have constant, nagging pain thrown in on top of that!

I want to wrestle with my kids again. I want to jump on the trampoline with them again. I want to PLAY with them. This isn't just robbing me, its robbing my children and that pisses me off more than anything else.

PAIN!

I'm sick and tired of hurting. August was great, I was in no pain for a while. Now the pain is back and no one can explain why. My surgeon back in March told me that you could do a hundred needle biopsies and have them all come back negative and completely miss the cancer, so I'm feeling a little down about that as well.

My guts are all in the wrong place, as are the rest of my organs. My liver regrew weird and its caused everything to be pushed around and I actually have a partially collapsed right lung because of all of it. I guess that explains the shortness of breath.

People have commented on my cheerful, positive attitude through all of this. I'm not feeling so cheerful or positive today. I'm tired of the doctors getting EXCITED when they review my case, and then they proclaim me to be a "unique" case. I can see them mentally rubbing their hands together in glee because they get to experiment with something new.

I'm disgusted by it all, and even more so by my attitude today. I don't like being this way...I feel mean and petty and that pisses me off even more. UGH.

Long time no posting...

Wow...its been almost a month since I blogged. A lot has happened...and yet not much has changed. I've been in and out of the hospitals in Hattiesburg and New Orleans, and I feel pretty despondent about a lot of it.

Good news...I had another liver biopsy and it was negative. Cancer is gone for good I hope and pray, but there's always the chance of a recurrence, so I have to be vigilant.

I think I'm addicted to IV drugs. I'm not sure but I think I am. In the hospital I could have as much as I wanted (with time restraints of course) and I got all that I could. I have the same drugs here at home and I never touch them, but it really disturbs me how I hit the drugs in the hospital. I don't want to have an addiction, but I know I have an addictive personality. My paternal grandmother was addicted to every pain killer she could get her hands on. That's one reason I've always been hesitant to use pain killers. However lately I find myself hitting them every time I'm in the hospital. Maybe its because I've been in so much pain so often lately...I pray that's the reason. I have hope because I HAVEN'T touched the pain killers that I have here at home. I keep the bottles where I see them every day...its almost like a badge of honor for me to see them constantly but not use them.

Maybe I'm just messed up...there's a good reason LOL.

BLAH day!

Today is a blah day. It started out well enough...I woke up with much less pain than I'd had all weekend. I was able to get up, shower, and get ready for church. It was nice getting back into church today, although I was hurting again before the sermon was half over. I spent the weekend drugged up because of the pain, so I slept most of the weekend away. I've fought sleep all afternoon because I'm hoping for a restful sleep tonight if possible.

Why did the pain come back? Is it something embarrassingly simple, like gas? Probably. Of course, AF was over a week late again (she arrived last night with no fanfare however), and AF being late and then disappearing was my first real "symptom" of my liver cancer. So who knows what's really going on? All I know is that I hurt, I have no answers, and I'm crabby because of it. My feelings are easily bruised, I'm fighting urges to cut myself again, and I just want to SLEEP and keep sleeping, but people wake me up constantly.

Today has actually been good sleeping weather...its been rainy and thunderstorming off and on all day...its overcast...its just great sleeping weather. I wish I could have taken advantage of it!

WoW (World of Warcraft)

The same friend who cursed me with my Neopets addiction also convinced me that WoW is a really great game...I finally got it (before my old laptop fried) but today is the first time in over 2 weeks of owning the game that I've gotten to play it. My free trial was only for 30 days, so I have less than 2 weeks to figure out if I want to continue to play. The problem is money...I have a new laptop to pay for and sadly enough I doubt if I can afford the $15 a month to play.

So far its a fun game. I made a human priest on Wildhammer server named Khandei (cute huh?), and I also have a gnome mage on Onyxia server named Rinandra (I let the game pick the name). I haven't gotten to play Khandei yet because the server went down for patching as I was logging in, but I've spent about an hour playing Rinandra, and so far I really like it. Its very similar to EverQuest but of course since I don't know how to do much yet its still a bit confusing. If I continue with it, I'll be making a binder (or several) like I did with EQ...maps, equipment, quests, etc. Its simpler than EQ, but the graphics are truly awesome. Maybe its my new laptop that make the graphics seem awesome...either way it looks great :lol

The only real downside I can see right now is money. I'll have to figure that one out if I decide to keep playing. Speaking of money...Movie Gallery is hiring...its only minimum wage but I could work while the kids are in school, have free rentals, and make a little spending money...so I may put in my application. I really hate to work for minimum wage...but its hard to find a job paying more with flexible hours I suppose.

Off to frag some more troggs ;-)

Ups and Downs

Ups and downs. Life is full of them. So why is it that when I have a day full of mostly ups, I can only remember the downs? Only the downs really affect me...

Today I went back to the doctor to find out about the new mass in my liver. Great news...its gone...all my labs looked great...he doesn't want to see me until December. That's just awesome right?

Then a friend was having a bad day...I teased her and she called me a fucker. True, it was probably an attempt at humor because she was really having a rough go of it, but it just totally rubbed me the wrong way. I'm letting it go because I know I'M not right at the moment, and I need to just back away. But it did hurt.

Enough of that. I have a new Dell. It came yesterday. Its awesome but HUGE and heavy. What did I expect...I ordered it as a desktop replacement and loaded the sucker out. The Sims 2 runs awesomely on it...and I think WoW will too as soon as I finish patching it (only about 20 hours to go lmao). I can't wait to play WoW. I had a 30 day free trial and its over half over and I have YET to get to play *sigh* So anyway, I have this awesome new laptop and I feel too guilty to enjoy it. What's up with that? I know pride is a sin, and I can't help but feel a bit proud over it. Maybe that's the problem?

I spent some time in the College library this afternoon. There's a free wireless high speed connection, and I was using it to patch WoW. I wanted to look busy so I grabbed a history book off a nearby shelf and started "taking notes" out of it. I ended up taking an entire page of notes on the history of Alaska because I got engrossed in it. I want to go back to school SO BAD. But honestly...I'm not going to have a full-time job outside of the home anymore. Justin is IT. I'll never leave him and we're going to be together forever. Having gone through a divorce and quite a few rough patches with Justin, I can say this honestly. The only outside work I'll be doing will be just to keep me sane and maybe for a little extra money. So what good would going back to school do me? It'd just be a waste of money. It'd feel so good to have my degree though...something related to history and archaeology...that's why I think anthropology would be right up my alley!

Anyway...just a pipe dream...

9-11

I think I'm the weird American. Remembering 9-11 doesn't make me tear up. I'm not afraid to fly or travel on 9-11. Its just another date to me now, 5 years later. Am I a bad person? I sure hope not.

I haven't forgotten...far from it. But I'm not going to be fake and act all touched or upset over the date. It didn't directly affect me. I watched it all...it was so shocking...and I cried a little at the time. I think some of the security precautions implemented since then just make good plain sense.

I think remembering the date, honoring the fallen, is fine. But I wonder if too much emphasis has been placed on it. I feel like getting all emotional or vigilant on 9-11 isn't productive. Why can't we be emotional and vigilant the rest of the year? Are terrorists really going to strike again on another 9-11? Only they know when and where they'll strike next...which is why we should worry less about the date and more about our security in general.

I suppose 9-11 will forever be a rallying cry, much like "Remember the Alamo!" was. I will never forget where I was or what I was doing that day...but I don't think about it ONLY on 9-11 or around this time of year...I think of it any time I pass an airport or think of flying somewhere. I pay more attention now to those around me. AND I think I'm rambling now since my meds are kicking in and I'm drowsy.

So...more on a later date.

A New Dell!!!

Woo hoo! I ordered a new Dell last night...it should be here on September 21 if all goes well. I can NOT wait! The auto/air adapter won't ship until October 4 though...what's up with THAT?

So specs...its an Inspiron...dual processors, 2GB memory, 120GB hard drive, 256mg video card, 17" reallllllly nice widescreen display...all in all its a fully loaded, very nice laptop. I can't wait until it gets here...but a little part of me is hoping Justin can fix my old laptop when he gets home. I'd love the new laptop (and it may be too late to cancel it) but I hate to see my old laptop just get thrown away. Sentimental I suppose...

Mom took Bekah to daycare for me today...she's staying with me while Justin is in Houston. We've been pretty busy the past couple days...its really helped me a lot. I've been so down and depressed that I've needed the distraction.

Had a worrisome doctor visit yesterday...I think that I'll post about that later...I'm not feeling up to it right now and I'm pretty sleepy too!

Sleepless Somewhere in America...

I know there are others out there like me. Somewhere, there are people hunched in the dark over a glowing monitor, trying desperately to pass time until their body gives out and they pass out from sheer exhaustion. I've been sleeping so well lately, but tonight...well I've given up.

My laptop went FIZZZT today at some point. I got home around 6 p.m. and it wouldn't turn on and smelled funny. The desktop has seen better days. We can't afford a new computer or laptop, and I'm on borrowed time (literally) right now in regards to PC's. I'm freaking out a little because the computer and internet are literally a lifeline for me. We'll see how this experiment ends I suppose.

Bekah is asleep in my bed right now. She's so sweet. Tonight Justin sang to her when she went to bed (over the phone) and she grinned from ear to ear, and kissed and hugged the phone. Taking her to and from school this week is a challenge, but we'll manage. She's doing so well we don't want her to fall behind. I just hope I can stay awake for the drive!

I'm going to try to get some sleep...probably won't happen. I had several things I wanted to blog about tonight but danged if they didn't just slip right on our of my mind. Oh well. At least I have a mind, slippery though it may be at times :)

OUCH!

I'm so smart I amaze myself sometimes. Really. Why, you ask? Well, allow me to elaborate on my remarkable intelligence.

I'm pretty sure I pulled my groin. I took off running through the house, for NO reason other than I felt like it. I immediately felt a burning pain in my groin and pulled up, limping the rest of the way to my bedroom. It now hurts even when I'm not moving my leg. I've pulled a muscle there before, and this pretty much feels like that. I sure hope Justin isn't expecting a grand send-off for his trip tomorrow...'cause it ain't happening the way I'm feeling right now!

I've decided not to go. I'd like to...but at the same time Justin has applied for a new, better position, an actual NASA job instead of just a contractor job, and many of the people who'll be making the decision will be at the conference next week. The last thing I want is for them to question his work ethics...they know that in addition to the conference and the presentations he has to give there, that he has projects going on here that he'll be having to monitor and keep up with. If I'm there, it might give the impression that he's being less than diligent...and this new job would change our lives so drastically...it'd be an extra $1000 a month before taxes...we could pay off our loan sooner...we could get him the new truck he so desperately needs...oh so many things, especially our house we want to build!

So I'm going to stay here and miss him and concentrate on the kids and hope that they and Mom will distract me from missing him too badly. I'm not sure why I'm freaking out at the thought of him going away for a week...he left for NY in April, after I got back from the hospital, and I was fine. Maybe its because our relationship has been so much better lately? Who knows...at any rate, I will miss him, and can't wait for next Friday so he'll be HOME.

My crotch hurts.

Bad week, so-so day...

Whew...I'm so glad this week is officially over tomorrow. Its been a rough one! Where to begin?

I've been down all week...really really down. I missed my meds last Wednesday and last Friday, and while I took them Saturday and Sunday, Monday and Tuesday just kept getting worse. Wednesday I cut up my left arm again...and yesterday I cut up my left leg above the knee. Justin is understandably frustrated, and doesn't want to leave me next week but has to for work. He'll be gone all week...but my mom is staying with me...between her and the .9mm (which I'm an expert shot with) I'll be pretty safe.

Why do I cut myself? I don't like pain...when I realize what I'm doing I stop, but at the same time I have this morbid fascination with the blood. I like to see it welling up in drops and then coalescing into a solid red line. It makes me feel good when I see it. I just don't understand ME sometimes, and it worries me. I want people to like me...I AM a nice person...I just have a few problems with my own self-image.

Part of me wants to go with Justin next week very badly...and part of me wants to stay here. I don't know what to do. Mom will take care of getting me there...I'd ride the train most likely...but I think Justin really isn't crazy about me going either. Who knows?? I certainly don't. I want to go...but I don't want to piss Justin off. I think I could really use the relaxation...being in a fancy hotel with nowhere I have to be and no specific time I HAVE to get up would be lovely...I imagine I could sleep the day away and finally get caught up on my rest.

Maybe I'll get to go...it sure would be nice...

Today was busy...Mom and Dick came so we could go to Grandparents' Day at Bekah's school. Her little program was so adorable. Then we ate lunch with Justin at McDonald's (Bekah's choice) and did a smidgen of shopping at Walmart. Then back to the house for some rest, and then Mom and I cooked supper together (that was really nice). After supper we all went to the high school football game. Katie was singing the National Anthem tonight...it was so great...she had a great position on the field and we could hear her belting out the lyrics over the other kids.

I'm tired, going to TRY to get some sleep. Here's hoping anyway!

Hot pink robe and a dirt road!

What a morning! I sat on the porch to watch the kids off this morning...usually I sit out there in my pajamas or night shirt because with the "roof" up no one can see me...this morning it was slightly nippy so I put my robe on. Thank goodness for small favors!

Katie came back in to get her jacket, and on her way back out she managed to lock the door. So I'm locked out, barefoot and wearing just a thin nightshirt and a fuzzy hot pink robe. I told Katie to ask the bus driver to stop at my FIL's (father-in-law) house and ask them to come let me in (they have a spare key). I saw them stop...and then I heard the bus honking and pull off, so I wasn't quite sure if she was successful at waking FIL or not. I waited and waited...then I found an old pair of Justin's shoes outside the door, and put them on and started walking up the dirt road. Halfway there (1/2 a mile) I saw FIL's truck pull out and come my way. I was slightly embarrassed so to cover it I flashed a little leg and stuck my thumb out. FIL didn't miss a beat and acted like he lost control of the truck from my leg flashing LOL.

Long story a little shorter...he had the spare key and I was able to get back inside. Thank you Lord. I must have been a sight though...I hadn't even brushed my hair yet so I had "bed head" on top of the fashion statement I was making. Thank goodness no cars came until AFTER I'd gotten into FIL's truck...

My bedroom is finished, furniture-wise. I still have to organize stuff...I piled boxes of clothes and junk in the bathroom where I'd HAVE to do something with it...so today I'm going to work on that. I'm rewarding myself with computer time because I earned it after the morning I had LOL. That and I didn't get online much at all yesterday and I worked all day on my room.

The laptop IS having a few glitches now...apparently the floppy and DVD drive are both shot :( Oh well, it could be much worse!!