Kandy's Ramblings

Why Me?

2010-08-30T00:12:00.002-05:00

So I haven't blogged since January, despite my good intentions back then. A lot has happened...a lot of water under the bridge since then. Some good, most of it bad. Its hard to believe we're almost into September now...hard to believe the entire spring and summer has flown by and here we are, a month into the new school year already.

So I'm in a real funk right now. I went to see my shrink last week...it was a scheduled appointment, but so timely. I've been having more and more "nervous breakdowns" of late...things that are so small they're laughable are sending me over the edge...things I'd just shrug off in the past are now causing me so much stress that I'm breaking down into hyperventilating tears over them. This is not the "me" I know...and I'm certainly not loving this "me"...at all.

The pain is...well, its pain. Its a daily constant...on the one hand, you get used to it. You expect it when you open your eyes in the morning...you know that when you move your right leg, your lower back is going to explode into agony, all the way up into your shoulder blades and lower skull. You know that when you move your left leg to join the right leg, a whole 'nother layer of agony is going to join that first layer and make the top of your skull blow right off, but these are the things you have to do to get yourself going in the mornings. Sometimes, its all you can do to shuffle (or crawl, as the case may be) to the bathroom, then manage to make it back into the bed...other mornings you're more fortunate and can get up, get dressed, and somewhat function throughout the day. Those days are called "good days" and I live for those.

On the other hand, the pain is unbearable at times. It makes you cry, it makes you scream, it makes you curl into a fetal position and beg for obliteration. It makes a Christian contemplate suicide and whether a life of eternal damnation would be worth it, if the pain would only stop for a moment. Its made me wonder if I go swimming against a strong current in a river, and drown, would it be suicide? I'm not a strong swimmer at all, so I suppose it WOULD be suicide and I'd still go to hell, since my intent would be suicide.

Take your pain pills, the doctors say...that's why I've prescribed them. Oh, so easy to say, so easy to do! I don't want to end up like my grandmother though! Or my brother's wife...oh no, not me! My grandmother was addicted to every pain pill she could get her hands on, and many the times I remember flying up to Purvis with my mother because we'd gotten a call from Mamaw that "there's blood all over the floor" only to get there and find Mamaw passed out on the floor with the phone in her hands from taking too many pain pills. Thankfully, there'd be no blood anywhere in sight, just vomit and urine usually. The messes I can remember helping to clean up while waiting for the ambulance to come, to preserve Mamaw's "dignity." I can remember these scenes as far back as my memory goes...so no, I do not want to take my pain pills unless I absolutely need to...I have just about every pain pill under the sun in my medicine cabinet...I horde them almost obsessively...whether to prove something to myself or to Mamaw, who died in 1991, is beyond me...all I know is that its almost like a disease in and of itself, this hording of pills...I won't take them, but I can't throw them away...they're like trophies...a badge of honor of sorts...

I wonder sometimes if there's more going on with me than just being bipolar. Is there something worse wrong with me? Mamaw was bipolar...Daddy suffers from clinical depression but also from...either schizophrenia or multiple personality disorder. Growing up, we recognized three distinct personalities with him, which is what makes me think its multiple personality disorder, but I'm not sure if that's what he was diagnosed when he spent time in Whitfield or not. I doubt his own family even knows he went to Whitfield a few times...he was so anxious to put forth the "I'm perfect" face and make US look like the losers of the family, especially Mom. All I have to say to that is...who's the one who's in prison? Hmmm? Exactly. NOT me. But I do worry that I have something deeper going on with me than just being bipolar.

The 24th was my tenth wedding anniversary. All year I've made a big deal about it...wanting to do something really special...well, actually, since we got married, I've always talked up "Number Ten," because being bipolar, I've always had trouble with relationships...both friendships and romantic relationships...most especially romances though. I've NEVER made it past a year, year and a half, without really screwing up the relationship somehow, and I just knew that if I could make it to ten years, then I could "make it"...that the marriage would work, that we could go all the way. I put so much emphasis on the big 10...I wanted so many things for this year...

Anyway...I planned way ahead for Justin's present, to make it special...and he was genuinely surprised...and thrilled with it. It was something he never would have expected in a million years, yet loved instantly. Twelve huge chocolate covered strawberries and three mini deluxe chocolate cheesecakes. I also got him a one cup coffee maker that brews into a travel mug for his office at work, but that was more of an afterthought. The real present was the chocolate.

So...he got me...nothing. Not even a card. I tried to be understanding. I knew he'd wanted to get me a Kindle DX, since I'd been wanting one...and I'd been trying to win one off one of my penny auction sites I frequent...and he'd said if I did, he'd pay for it as my anniversary gift. So I figured that's why he hadn't gotten me a present yet. I mean come on...men, especially farm boys...aren't usually very romantic. But...he could have gotten me a card at least! He knows I love cards!

Instead...nothing. Sure, he said he felt awful, especially after loving his gift...but that awfulness apparently lasted only for the night. Nothing more was said the rest of the week until tonight, when *I* brought it up. I finally broke down at almost midnight tonight, and told him how I felt...that it really really hurt me that he didn't get me a card...and that whenever I'd thrown hints out, he'd get agressive about it, and I'd back off and go cry in my room where he couldn't see me. I told him that now its too late for a card, or even a gift, because I've said something about it. I explained how important "Number Ten" was to me, that I'd been talking about it for the past ten years, saying how important it was for all that time, explaining how being bipolar meant I'd never had a lasting relationship, yada yada yada...and it was like I was talking to a brick wall. Here I am, pouring my heart out to him, sobbing and tears falling like rain, and he had that set expression on his face, jaw clenched tight and face hardened against me. It just made me cry all the harder, and I ended up just shutting up and leaving the room and coming in here to the kitchen and the computer.

I'm sure his reaction is because he feels bad...maybe he didn't have the money to do what he really wanted to do or something...I don't know. But he should KNOW me by now...its the little things that matter the most to me. Buying me an almost $400 Kindle DX wouldn't have been the thing to do for my special anniversary...I spent less than $80 on him. I've never been about the money. He could have brought me flowers and a card, and I would have been fine. Just the sentiment...that's all that would have mattered to me. But...even the sentiment was missing, and that's what hurt me so much. Its as if, being married to me for ten years was so much of a trial, he didn't want a reminder of it. He said he rushed around to the two gift shops at work that day trying to find something for me...umm...hello...everyone knows that if you wait til the last minute you never find anything...that's worse than if he'd told me he just forgot. I'd been telling him about his "special present" for at least 3 weeks before our anniversary, and he waited until the DAY OF to actually go looking for something for me? Just twist the knife a little bit more why don't you?

I don't know...I'm in a funk, and the anniversary thing has just made it worse...especially when he asks me not to keep secrets...not to keep what's bothering me buried inside, but to let it out, to tell him, so he can help me, especially if its something about him, so he can change it or work on it with me...and then I do exactly that, and he acts like I'm attacking him unfairly and shuts down on me or gets defensive. Is it any wonder I've kept secrets and not told him in the past?

I feel like I don't deserve him...I feel like I've made his life miserable the past ten years...I've felt so undeserving the past ten years, and so insecure, and things like this just reaffirm that in my malfunctioning brain...its not what I need, and its not doing me any favors. I need some serious help, and if its not going to come from the homefront, maybe I need to leave the homefront and get the help I need. Maybe the homefront will never be beneficial to me...and its just taking something like this to make me see it. I mean, hell...this was really important to me...and if he couldn't come through for me on something so important...why are we still doing this?

I don't know. I just know that I'm not happy...I'm miserable. I've been unhappy for a great long while. This situation has just been the icing on the cake...I'd looked at it to be my one shining moment in a year of blackness...and it let me down too. All I do is EXIST...I endure one moment to the next...and I'm tired of that. Something has to give...and its probably going to be me.

I'm tired of not being normal. I'm tired of feeling inferior. I'm tired of feeling bad because I'm not "the normal one." I'm tired tired TIRED. I'm tired of feeling tired all the time. My kids are being ruined by me...my youngest daughter is having nightmares because she can't "fix" me!!! OMG what have I DONE to this child? Yeah, they're better off without me.

Time to do something about it. Dr. Mack wanted to hospitalize me last week. I may go prepared this week to let him do just that.

Parting is such sweet sorrow...?

2007-08-05T04:41:00.000-05:00

Well I've just about decided to use my wordpress site exclusively from now on. I really like the setup over there, BUT do like some features over here so I MIGHT be back...it'll just depend. At this point, its a pain to update both sites.

SO, without any further ado...if you wish to read my pathetic ramblings, from now on you can do so at Ramblings of a Redneck Woman

I'll miss this site...and I'll miss all the little red dots on my nifty little map...hopefully the map at the new site will fill up soon :)

Minor Update...

2007-08-05T04:15:00.001-05:00

Since I apparently have nothing better to do at 4:15 in the morning, I decided to blog a little. I couldn't sleep very well at all Friday night...ended up in the recliner for the night. Even with drugs I slept very little. I managed to fall asleep in the bed Saturday night, but woke up at 1:30 and moved in here to the recliner again.

I'm still extremely sore in all the wrong places, but I did manage to soak in the tub for an hour or so tonight, and I think the heat helped. The main soreness makes NO sense because its a good 6-8 inches above the injection sites, and is on the vertebrae right below my neck. That puppy hurts, let me tell you! I still have a lot of pain when I breathe, but I can take deep breaths now, albeit with difficulty. I have a lot of pain in my left breast area...go figure, I didn't get any needles stuck THERE.

Basically, I really do feel like I'm battling a severe case of pneumonia. I ran fever all day yesterday but none today, so that's an improvement. I have some minor pain and cramping and spasms in my abdomen, but NOTHING like I'd been having, so count that as an improvement! I just pray that the pain doesn't come back any time soon.

I'm having a bit of difficulty walking still. My legs don't seem to want to hold me up. I'm hoping this is just from the general feeling of discomfort though and not that weakness he said could be a side affect. Today (Sunday) is my last day off until Wednesday, so I'm hopeful that I'll be able to work Monday.

And that's about it...nothing exciting, nothing new, just still in pain, but hopeful that hope is near :)

DRUGS

2007-08-03T21:01:00.000-05:00

Drugs are the bane of our existence. I have so many around here it isn’t even funny. Most of them are well over a year old, and I got them after all my surgeries last year. I kept them because while I don’t take them often, there are times that I DO need them.

My brother and his wife love drugs. Their preference is pot, but if they can’t get it (which they can’t because my Mom won’t buy it for them or let them have it on her land, which is where they live) they get by on prescription drugs. My brother has a bad back…he really does…but it doesn’t matter because when I gave him all my lortabs (they make me nauseated) he gave them to his wife. She burned her arm really badly about 3 years ago when she worked at Wendy’s, and has been fighting a battle with Workman’s Comp ever since. She has a legitimate suit…the management wouldn’t let her go for medical aid and she has serious, permanent nerve damage and has just about lost the use of her arm.

Why do I mention this? She’s a dopehead. She stays drugged as much as she can. The doctors will give her a month’s worth of phenergen for instance, for nausea, and she’ll have used it all in less than a week. She’s going to kill herself. Mom is having to buy EVERYTHING for them except food…they at least get foodstamps. Neither of them can legitimately work, and SSI is dragging its feet and nothing ever seems to get done.

So anyway, I came home today with a week’s supply of vicadin and phenergen…21 and 20 pills, respectively. I took my second vicadin just now, and Mom (who came down and invited herself to stay the night to “help” me out while I’m in so much pain) told me “Make sure you don’t use too much of that, your brother is expecting me to bring the rest back to him because “she’s” (Linda) hurting really bad and I don’t have the money to buy her anymore medicine.” Excuse me in advance, but WTF??? This is MY medication, *I* paid for it, and I will NOT contribute to my sister in law’s “habit”!!!

I mean the NERVE. Not to mention I would never give her vicadin at all after the lortabs fiasco…I gave them 75 lortabs (I’d had a few prescriptions filled and just laying around) and she went through them in about a week. My mom thinks she’s just in pain…WAKE UP WOMAN SHE’S A DRUGGIE AND YOU’RE CONTRIBUTING TO HER HABIT!!!

Anyway. I’m going to go hide all my pills so I can tell Mom I’m out and she won’t see that I’m lying. Yeah, that’s real Christian of me isn’t it?

The procedure is over...

2007-08-03T17:52:00.000-05:00

…and I’m in more pain than I ever imagined. They made me have chest x-rays before they’d let me go home because I kept getting dizzy and black spots because I couldn’t take a breath hardly. Thanks to the vicadin, I can now take a shallow breath without it hurting, but I still feel like I’m suffocating because if I try to take more than a shallow breath, the pain is very very intense. They gave me phenergen and vicadin and I was slurring my words a lot. I’m having to retype this as it is due to the vicadin. This is good stuff by the way…they gave it to me last year but I gave it to my brother for his back because I was afraid to even try it (Yes, I love to watch the show “House” on Fox lol)

Anyway. I can’t even begin to describe the pain, but I started crying in the recovery room because…the pain is ONLY in my back and shoulders. I don’t feel ANYTHING in my abdomen!!!! I’m praying this isn’t a result of the pain in my back blocking out the pain in my abdomen, but ya know…I really feel this worked and I’m soooo incredibly happy. If it did in fact work, and lasts even a few weeks, I will definitely go through this pain in my back again, because it will be WORTH it. I can’t wait for the back pain to go away so I can try out different things and see how I feel (for instance, tying my shoes would be nice…Justin and my kids have been tying my shoes for me for over a year).

Thank you so much for the prayers and positive thoughts, the encouragement…I almost didn’t post about this procedure the other day, and I’m so glad now that I did because I’m tearing up just sitting here thinking about how different things have the potential to be now. I’m praying this works.

One minor note, I do have weakness in my right leg and numbness in my left leg…he thinks this is not going to affect me though…I can’t walk straight right now, but I was very unsteady on my legs for a couple days last time too. Having them wake me up to see if I could move my legs and such was an experience I’d rather forget about (the needles were still in my back and I was moaning pretty loudly because I couldn’t stop). The nurses in recovery also said I was pretty loud compared to my last visit, but they said I was a perfect patient because even through my pain and tears I was apologizing for “inconveniencing” them lol

I’m rambling…I’m going to try to sleep a little more…I can’t lie down in the bed at all so sleeping is a little bit of a challenge as even the recliner is painful. I can’t tell you how happy I feel right now…although I guess that could be a result of xanaflex, phenergen, and vicadin bliss lol

Thanks again everyone

And now for something completely different...

2007-08-01T20:48:00.000-05:00

OK not that different since I've done it before, but hey, I like Monty Python, so the quote had to be the title :)

A friend posted a blog thing quiz on my board, and well, it reminded me that I needed to post some since I haven't in a while. SO without any further ado...

You Are 24% California

You're not from California - don't try to game this quiz!

How California Are You?

No huge surprise there...

Your Mood Ring is Orange

Stimulating ideas
Daring
Full of desires

Mood Ring Generator

yeah...ok...

Your Love Song Is

Yellow by Coldplay

"Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah they were all yellow"

You're so in love, it's like a drug.

What Love Song Are You?

What? By who??

How You Life Your Life

You are honest and direct. You tell it like it is.
You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think.
You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences.
You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

How Do You Live Your Life?

OK THAT one was pretty darned accurate lol

And last but not least, I couldn't resist this one...

Snickers

Nutty and gooey - you always satisfy.

What Kind of Candy Are You?

Whoa...too funny...and my favorite candy to boot :)

NOW I'm going to tag Carrie at "Chocolate the Other White Meat" and Lynnae at "From Under the Clutter", so find some fun blogthings girls and get posting :)

Another "surgical" procedure...

2007-08-01T19:49:00.000-05:00

...is coming up for me...Friday I'm having the more radical one done on my back...it leaves holes about the size of a small soda straw (the last one did anyway and he said this one would be the same) and my back felt like I'd been hit by a truck for a little over a week).

Last time they used anesthesia on the nerves...neural cortexes I think they were called? They're on each side of my abdomen at any rate, and they go in from my back under x-ray guidance. Well, that didn't work. I had minor (very minor) relief for about 6 days, then the pain returned full-force, as did the cramps and spasms.

So this time they're going to cauterize the nerves with alcohol. Usually they only do this on terminal patients...but its gotten to the point where the gal who NEVER wears makeup, even to work, is now wearing full makeup and still can't hide the shadows under her eyes. I'm not sleeping and I've dropped down to 116 pounds...and of course ALL the weight loss is showing in my face, not my ass...and before ya'll say they're interchangeable...someone else already beat you to the punch LOL. So I have a lot more wrinkles and bags under my eyes, and the left side of my face tics almost constantly (had a TIA in 97 and I get facial tics on the left side ever since when I'm really tired). I'm having a lot of trouble eating and I'm so tired and cranky and...well anyway.

I'm praying the outcome will be at least a noticeable reduction in my pain. There is a risk that since the alcohol won't be selective, I could experience weakness in my legs for several months, up to and including losing the use of my legs as far as walking or standing would go. They've assured me that if this happens, it'll only be temporary. The ONLY reason I'm even going to risk it is because this is a very small chance, and I've got to do something.

The only other thing they can do if this doesn't work is an implant and/or narcotics. The implant isn't guaranteed either...and honestly, I don't think I want a pager-sized hunk of metal in my butt. I'm lumpy enough as it is.

I've really tried not to post too much about this, because you guys don't need to see "Kandy's under the weather...Kandy's depressed...Kandy's crying..." all the time. My doctors still can't believe I'm even working. When my abdomen spasms, you can see a lump stand out on my belly, all the way across, roughly rectangular-shaped (with rounded edges though) that's about 6 inches long by 3-4 inches high. The spasms happen at least a dozen times a day, if not more. They double me over and I can't breathe.

A minor improvement would be spectacular news to me. I'm more nervous than I thought I'd be. I can deal with the post-procedural pain...but having the relief last longer than the post-pain this time would be a nice bonus. I guess I just don't want to be disappointed again.

Why am I in so much pain? Let's see...just in case I never blogged about it before, I'll try to tell it in a nutshell.

I had 80% of my liver removed last year...March 6, 2006 to be exact. The tumor in said liver was the size of a soccer ball and weighed 3.6 pounds. They had to break two ribs to get it out intact. The tumor had been encapsulated by my body, which was a darned good thing since they estimate I'd had it for 12-15 years and it being encapsulated kept it from spreading. I was supposed to be in the hospital for one surgery and 5 days max. I ended up being there for 45 days, and they told my husband and mother to prepare for funeral arrangements. During those 45 days, I was only allowed sustenance (food or liquid "meals") for 3 days. The rest of the time I had "feeding" through IV lines. I had to have new IV's every day, sometimes every 6-12 hours, because my veins kept blowing. To this day drawing a tube of blood from me takes several sticks due to the damage my veins incurred last year. I weighed 172 pounds on March 6, 2006. When I came home from the hospital I weighed 111 pounds. I got back up to around 122 until recently, when the pain and sleep loss started making me drop again.

On top of all that, my liver regrew wrong. The liver doesn't regrow in the shape of a normal liver, as I incorrectly assumed. Mine regrew along the path of least resistance, and then kept going. My internal organs were pushed down and around, up to the right, twisting my diaphragm and causing my right lung to be partially collapsed. I have serious shortness of breath all the time, and if I bend over for too long, I black out. I can't bend over to tie my own shoes, much less take care of my toenails.

How do I keep going? Heck if I know. I try to be as positive as possible...not too easy for a bipolar gal...but I do try. I honestly believe working gives me a purpose, and helps keep me from being TOO depressed. Lately though, I'm getting worse, and I see it, and I hate being this way, I really do. I hate who I am...who I'm becoming...I hate what my life has become. This makes me feel even worse because God blessed me and gave my life back to me last year, when I literally saw a vision of hell the night I almost died in the hospital.

So there's my story, and lest you think its all doom and gloom, I really am grateful to be here. It just gets harder and harder to remembber WHY I'm so grateful when all I can think about is how much pain I'm in, how much sleep I'm NOT getting, and how hard its getting to even get through the day when I'm NOT working, much less when I am.

OK...pity party is over.

I need a vacation

2007-07-31T17:51:00.000-05:00

I really do! I was really questioning taking the CSM position before I took it, and I've wondered this past week if God is letting me know I made the wrong decision. Justin doesn't think so, but I'm not so sure.

Today was just...awful. I teared up several times because I was just so MAD. I knew that I'd be working Money Center more than CSM this week. I have no problems with that. The problem I have is the same one...being pulled off learning CSM stuff in order to, for instance, SCRUB GARBAGE CANS. Two other CSM's knew how pissed off I was just from the look on my face, so I'm NOT doing a good job controlling my facial expressions. They couldn't believe I was told to scrub garbage cans. For the record, I never did scrub them...couldn't find a brush and I wasn't going to use my hands.

Then, the cousin of a girl I had a "run-in" with on Monday about a return I approved on Friday told a CSM that I was telling cashiers to straighten up or I was going to fire them. I was told to "watch what you say." I finally had enough and said I was NOT going to watch what I say, because I never said I was going to fire anyone, even in jest. I got so mad over it I was ready to do a complaint against both cashiers (the cousins, that is). I decided to be the bigger person, and I'm just going to ignore it for now. I documented it though, and if the first one disrespects me again, I WILL write her up, and start a paper trail. I'm sick and tired of people saying I've said things that I haven't said.

There is a definite campaign going on to get me in trouble. I know the ringleaders, and I know why. A lot of it is resentment because I got CSM. I believe its the same ones who spread the tale to my old manager that I was going around telling everyone I was going to be the next CSM, when I never said THAT either. That didn't work, so now they're trying this. Management told me to take it in stride, that people are going to continually talk. I get that, I really do...but they (management) need to HELP me in this, by taking any accusation that's proven unfounded and coaching the accuser. If they make a few "gossip examples" maybe it wouldn't be so incredibly rampant. I've never known a workplace to be so full of gossipmongers and to have such an active rumor mill.

I hate griping all the time...but ya know, I'm in so much pain the past couple days, and I'm not sleeping (without taking a xanaflex for the pain anyway) and I'm so...well I just have such a short fuse. This is NOT me. I want to just go back to Money Center, but I get a real sense of enjoyment out of the few CSM duties I've been allowed to perform so far. Saturday night, I KNOW I was a real asset to the company because I stayed late when we had only 1 CSM and I ran my feet off helping her out.

Days like today though...I really do get very frustrated. I pray that after my procedure, I have a better mood and temperament...please Lord, PLEASE let this procedure give me some relief! I'm so tired of being ... well mean all the time...

Just shoot me!

2007-07-27T18:19:00.000-05:00

UGH. I'm so tired its not even funny. I've been training for CSM this week, and I can think of more pleasant experiences...such as having teeth pulled. I kid you not, the whole thing has been so unorganized its not even funny. It took WEEKS for them to get their acts together and get the offer out there, and then another week and a half to actually get me in the computer...SO I was borrowing other CSM's numbers just to do my job...when I was allowed to do it.

Take yesterday for instance. I was SUPPOSED to work the book all morning. Instead, the CSM training me had me doing all the tasks that cashiers should have been doing...getting ready for inventory. At one point I was cleaning out from under bookshelves (let me tell you, it was NASTY) while 3 or 4 cashiers stood around flapping their jaws. I didn't do ANYTHING resembling a CSM's job. I ran cash registers all day and cleaned and scrubbed. I learned NOTHING and was very very close to walking out and telling them where they could stick their promotion.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind doing these things that need to be done...I'm humble enough to understand that we all pitch in when we're needed. I had two problems with what happened yesterday:
1. I was supposed to be training, and learned NOTHING new, and am expected to be trained within a week...and had been training since Monday and still knew nothing much at all.
2. There were cashiers standing around goofing off when they could have been doing the busy work that I was doing, and *I* could have been learning.

I feel like I wasn't utilized in the way I could/should have been, and it irritated me to no end. I left work in tears and so pissed off that I'm surprised I kept my mouth shut long enough to leave without quitting.

Today was much better, but everything is sore and I'm tired. I have a tension headache and just want to go to bed for a week. I had fun though, other than the expected run-ins with some of the cashiers who are disgruntled that I'm going to be "over" them now. Oh well. As time goes on, it'll get better.

New blog!

2007-07-24T12:31:00.000-05:00

OK so I made a new blog on another site last week, but haven't really had time to play around with it until today (and, my internet connection has been TERRIBLE due to all the bad weather we've had).

I'm not sure which format I'll like better...blogspot or the new wordpress site, so I need feedback on both sites! If you leave a comment here, and feel like it, please leave a comment over there too, and let me know what you think...include your thoughts on the ease/difficulty leaving the comment itself!

The new site is Ramblings of a Redneck Woman. Thanks in advance!!!

I've been tagged!

2007-07-24T11:40:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I KNOW I was tagged days ago, but alright already, I've been busy!

So Lynnae...here are mine :)

Four jobs I've held:
1. Helicopter Mechanic in the Army (still my favorite job)
2. Restaurant manager
3. Cashier
4. Tupperware (liked it too)

Four movies I can watch over and over again:
1. Gone With the Wind
2. Phantom of the Opera
3. Secondhand Lions
4. O' Brother Where Art Thou

Four places I have lived:
1. Petal/Hattiesburg, MS (they're neighboring cities)
2. Watertown (area), NY
3. Ft. Bragg, NC
4. Poplarville, MS

Four TV shows I watch:
1. Any of the Law and Order shows
2. Survivor
3. Heroes
4. CSI (original one...don't care for CSI: NY or CSI: Miami)

Four places I've been on vacation:
1. Fantasy Kingdom
2. Epcot
3. Disney-MGM studios
4. Animal Kingdom

OK OK OK...
Four places I've been on vacation:
1. Walt Disney World, Orlando, FL
2. DisneyLand, Anaheim, CA
3. Smokey Mountains
4. Little Rock, AR

Four of my favorite foods:
1. strawberries
2. sweet gherkins
3. sweet potato ANYTHING
4. snow crab legs

Four websites I visit:
1. October 2002 Playgroup
2. PvP Online
3. American Family Radio
4. Looking For Group

I have no one to tag...sad isn't it? LOL I'll think of someone eventually...

Harry Potter (SPOILER ALERT)

2007-07-24T11:10:00.000-05:00

So I stood in line Friday night and bought the last book, and I finished it somewhere between 9-11 hours of reading (I'm thinking it was around 9, but I say 10-11 to be on the safe side). It was no LONGER than 11, but I was stopped a LOT during that time to do stuff with the kids, work, etc LOL

Overall, I was pretty disappointed...but I think a lot of that was my own fault for letting myself get really hyped about it.

Some things I liked:
-Dobby's death was sad for me, but the way Harry handled it made me tear up...
-Neville...I love this kid, and I'm REALLY glad he lived!
-Harry's reaction when Ron and Hermione finally kissed...priceless
-Snape living up to my expectations (and desires) for his character's direction
-Percy reuniting with his family, and the way Fred laid it all out for him when he came back...I was laughing SO hard at that
-Mrs. Weasley calling Belatrix a bitch and kicking her ass

Some things I'm still pissed off about:
-Hedwig's death
-Fred's death (I'm still highly peeved about that one)
-the epilogue (but then a friend pointed out that she writes for kids too, so I can now see the "need" for it...but it still irks me lol)
-the way the book seemed to have difficulty "flowing" as well as the previous six did
-the way Harry seems to be a bigger screw up than in any of the previous six books combined. Come on, we get that he's only human, but PLEASE...the book acts as if he's never learned anything at all!

I had a big summary of my thoughts written out, but I can't find it now...sooo all in all, I think this book pretty much falls in line with every other book written to end a series...a lot of tying up loose ends, and maybe trying to please fans a little too much. I didn't like one of the major contradictions in my mind...Snape is redeemed, BUT it never explains why in the sixth book he tried to kill Harry with the Avada Kadavra curse after he'd killed Dumbledore. Now, perhaps he intentionally missed, given what was revealed in the last book, BUT she should have addressed that when she explained all of his other actions. One, two sentences at the most is all it would have taken. Something really small, but it really irritated me.

I don't think its possible to make all of her fans happy obviously, I just wish I was one of the ones who read the book and LOVED it. Oh well. It was worth the $18 at any rate. Jared's reading it now, and I can't wait for his thoughts on the whole thing. More to come :)

I need new feet!

2007-07-23T22:35:00.000-05:00

OK so this is a truly gross picture, and my feet do NOT look like this (they're not THAT old yet lol) but man, they sure do FEEL like it!

I got to work fully expecting to spend most of my time in Money Center tonight, and instead I was doing CSM duty for 7 of the 8 hours I worked (at least). Granted, I didn't have my own keys or numbers yet, but I borrowed from other CSM's...and considering I was left alone to run the front end for about an hour (with no warning whatsoever) I think I did fairly well.

I LOVED the fact that I got to walk so much...the time really flew by because I wasn't standing in any one place. My back and abdomen didn't hurt as badly either, I assumed from the constant movement keeping me from stiffening up. About an hour before I got off though, my feet started really burning, and I limped out to my van after my shift. I have two new blisters. What the heck? Its not like I've been sitting on my bum the past 8 months...I stand on my feet the entire day...I guess there's just more friction walking back and forth.

I feel good about how I worked tonight...but the real test will come once I'm truly on my own. So far though, so good. I had little to no supervision or instruction out on the floor, and I feel very confident in my performance.

So...all in all...a good day (I just need new feet!)

CSM

2007-07-19T16:30:00.000-05:00

I got it :) I do the paperwork tomorrow, and then start officially training on Monday, but in actuality will start tomorrow most likely here and there. I'm also to continue covering Money Center until my replacement is trained and in place.

Yay! Maybe things are looking up...

A little better?

2007-07-18T17:41:00.000-05:00

I guess I'm a little better today. Thanks to those of you who are praying and thinking of me. I'm tired, but there's a glimmer of light at the end of this tunnel. I've decided not to do the implant at this time...and I'm debating the alcohol procedure. One of the risks, if the alcohol goes where they don't want it to, is weakness in the legs and thus, inability to walk or stand. It goes away after a few months, but STILL. Something to think about.

I just feel like I'm spiraling out of control in a downwards direction. I need a vacation...a break. Justin may get to go back to Vegas in September, and if he does, he said he'll be able to take me. It may be just what I...and we...need.

As for CSM...I had my second interview today, and again, it went well. My manager said she'd announce it tomorrow, but when she fixed my schedule for this coming week, she did it with "training shifts" in mind, so that gives me great hope. Still...nothing is definite, and I won't allow myself to get my hopes up too much. I just don't want to go down that road again.

And to be honest...do I even REALLY want it? I like working in Money Center. I think what I'll talk to her about is the possibility of going back to Money Center if I get CSM and don't think its a good fit within a certain amount of time. I doubt they'll do that, but if they would, it'd be nice. I'm very good in Money Center.

Its so hard to get excited about anything at this point...but I *think* CSM would be a smart move for me, even if I have to cut my hours. I may NEED to cut my hours...this added strain of working in constant pain probably has a lot to do with my emotional and mental stability.

Just a bunch of crap

2007-07-17T18:42:00.000-05:00

Title says a lot.

Pain sucks. I'm getting more and more depressed and angry at the world, and I find myself isolating myself from family, friends, life. I don't want to be here anymore. At all. I can't remember WHY I should be grateful God worked a miracle in my life. I don't want my husband to touch me. I'm just pissed off in general, and at life especially.

I saw Dr. Jolly today...he wants to do the more radical alcohol procedure...or an implant. I'm not sure how I feel about either. I cried almost the entire trip down, and almost the entire visit, and almost the entire way home, and even while I was walking through Wal-Mart afterwards getting a few things I needed. Everyone was looking at the crazy lady walking down the household cleaners aisle sobbing her heart out.

I hate where I'm at. I'm even having trouble finding any joy in my children. Justin took my hand today and said he loved me...out of the blue, and all I could say in return was "I honestly don't think there's anything about me to love," and pulled my hand away from him. I don't want him to touch me. I don't want my kids to hug me. I hate...me.

Migraine? Or not?

2007-07-12T19:02:00.000-05:00

Well fun day at work today...I'm going to go to the doctor tomorrow maybe...I had a TIA (kinda like a mini-stroke) back in 1997...and what happened today somewhat reminded me of that. I've had a migraine for DAYS...today it suddenly got so bad, and my vision "halved"...and I kept trying to throw up. Shortly afterwards the migraine became just an annoying dull throbbing, easily handled...but I was slurring my words, having trouble keeping my eyes open, and had NO equilibrium at all. If another associate hadn't caught me, I would have ended up on the floor. I had to sit down for almost 2 hours. I'm still...well its like I'm drunk...you know how when you're buzzing/drunk, and you turn your head and it takes your vision a second to catch up? Like its slightly behind? That's kinda how I feel.

Guess I'll get off my duff...

2007-07-10T10:17:00.000-05:00

and take my baby to the park. She wants to go to the zoo, but I can't drive that far today. I was up until 5 this morning, and she woke me up at 6:30. I don't see how she could be so hyper and full of energy when she was up most of the night! But...she is. She's running in place right now while watching Mike and Sully run from Randall in Monster's Inc. Kids.

I'm so comfy...laying here in the recliner in my nightshirt, a kitten asleep on my knees, playing on the internet...oh well. She wants to play and its not raining yet (its stormed every day for the past couple weeks) so I'm going to go take her to have fun.

Course I gotta shower first...and shave my legs. It'd never do to go out all European with and with spikey hair and racoon eyes (since I was too tired last night to take my makeup off). Course, maybe I could start a new fashion ;)

"Being Poor"

2007-07-08T08:37:00.001-05:00

One of the ladies on my board posted a link to a blog post called Being Poor. Its a long list of what "poor" people go through on a daily basis. I wanted to post a big post about it, but it would have started a huge controversy on my board, because there are a few folks who live for nothing more than to point out to everyone why they're racist, bigots, insensitive, etc...nevermind that their own comments while they're pointing this out are pretty damned hurtful too. So I'll post my thoughts here instead.

Growing up I was blessed with parents that would do any job, no matter how menial, when my dad would get laid off a lot. He was an oilfield worker, and his rigs kept getting stacked, until he made crane operator...then even if the rig got stacked, he still had a job. I also had family that helped out (and we always helped them when we were able) so I always had clothes and never knew things were tight.

That blog entry didn't make me cry. Guess I'm the cold-hearted one. Most of the things on that list I was thinking "yep, done that...yup, been there". All it did was make me thankful that while some things on the list STILL apply for me, I'm in a position now where I am able to get a few "luxuries" that I never had the opportunity for before I met Justin.

When I left my first husband, he refused to pay child support in an effort to "win" me back I guess...I'm not really sure why and I was never able to pursue the matter, since I had no money for a lawyer so I could go to court for a separation child support maintenance order. I got WIC and commodities for the kids, went to Salvation Army and Christian Services for their weekly and monthly "grocery boxes", and fed the kids whatever food I could beg or borrow. I myself was a restaurant manager and worked EVERY day so that I could use my one free meal a day to feed myself. All of my money went to bills and the largest chunk to daycare. It cost almost as much for daycare for my kids as I made in a week after taxes. My car, which I was so proud of when I'd bought it (and it only had 5 months and it was paid off) was repo'd and there was nothing I could do about it. I was insanely happy to have starved myself down from a size 12 to a size 4 so that I could wear all the pre-pregnancy clothes I had. My mother had to buy clothes for my kids. Their Christmases were thanks to Angel Tree. I applied for food stamps, I applied for welfare, and was turned down because I was still married (but had been separated for 3 years) and even though he lived in another freaking state, they wouldn't help me. The lady said it was because I was the wrong race. I didn't believe that for a long time until I saw some of my employees who I KNEW were on welfare driving brand new cars...and heard them bragging about their $800 A MONTH in food stamps. I went to Legal Aid for assistance in getting my divorce (I couldn't afford a lawyer) and THEY wouldn't help me for the same reasons (my household income was too high, even though my spouse didn't LIVE in my household so his salary should NOT have been a consideration). At the time, I was making $250-275 a week before taxes and receiving no child support. The ONLY aid I had was $398 a month in SSI payments Jared got for his epilepsy, and that stopped after 2 years because I was honest about it when he stopped having seizures.

I never want to go back there, and pray I never have to. I feel for those who still live there, but I can't shed tears for them. I did enough crying for myself.

What's wrong with our country when we spend millions to feed people overseas, and our own citizens are starving themselves? Makes no sense to me and never will. And THAT'S another debate.

MEN...

2007-07-08T07:54:00.000-05:00

...the picture should say it all.

Justin's mom has been canning figs the last couple of days. Justin has been helping to pick them, and bought her some sugar and jars so that she'd put up a dozen pints for him. Not us, but him. I asked him to be picking some this weekend, and when I'm off Tuesday I'll try my hand at canning for the first time in my life. No response, other than "Mom would love for you to go up to her kitchen and do it, that way she could help you." Since WHEN have I ever needed help with a freaking recipe? I'm no gourmet cook, but I've almost NEVER had a recipe turn out badly. I have a knack. I just don't particularly care to cook lol.

Here's where the ass part comes in. Last night, he was hinting that he really wants biscuits with his figs (he brought home the dozen pints of figs last night). I was teasing him and saying I was setting my alarm for 9:30. I have to go to work at noon today, so no church for me. In reality I set my alarm for 7:00 so I could get up, tired as I am, and make him some danged biscuits. 7:00 comes and I get up, and...no Justin. Anywhere. I think maybe he ran up the road for something and thankfully I wait around. I do get out the bowl and start hunting up my pastry cutter, after doing my morning stuff in the bathroom. Bekah was being cute and sweet so I stopped to play with her. Finally, at 7:30, I call him. He's on his way back from Hardee's! He went to Hardee's and bought plain biscuits. ARGHHH. So I'm thinking, either I have to get breakfast still for Bekah and me, or just for me.

Yep. He ONLY bought food for himself and Bekah. What an ASS!!! I don't care if he was mad at me (unjustified by the way...this time anyway lol), he could STILL have bought me a sausage biscuit or something.

Yeah, I'm not amused at all.

Is it my own fault?

2007-07-07T10:13:00.000-05:00

What a thing to worry about. I finally cornered my manager last night and asked her about CSM, and she said she hadn't made up her mind yet because of something that had happened. Someone (apparently a lot of someones) has been going to her and telling her that *I* said I was going to be the next CSM. I told her what I thought the problem was, and she said that she was still going to interview me again (you interview each time a position opens) but I'm not so sure of the outcome anymore.

Here's where I think I messed up. I trusted 2 CSM's enough to tell them how well I thought my interview had gone when they asked me. I'm pretty sure another CSM overheard me, and I *kinda* trust him too, so didn't worry too much about it, but at the same time he's very tight with my manager, so I'm pretty sure this information may have been misconstrued by him and taken to her. Regardless...I did say I was really confident...and when I talked to her about the CSM position when she changed my schedule for my surgery, I asked her if I "was still..." and she interrupted and said Yes. Now, she was preoccupied, and possibly, very likely, wasn't thinking what *I* was thinking, which was "am I still your choice". I told the CSM's I trusted about this.

Also, another cashier was spreading to EVERYONE that she had a really reliable source, who'd never been wrong, tell her that they'd heard from my manager that I was the next CSM. I walked in the day after the interview, and everyone was congratulating me. It was surreal. I found out they'd all been told by the same cashier, and I went to her. She and I get along, and I was very honest with her and told her I'd had what *I* felt was a great interview, but that nothing had been offered OR accepted, and that while I felt like I had a really good shot at the next position, I also was realistic and knew that someone with more experience could come in at any time and I'd be out the door. When people kept asking me about it, it became somewhat of a running joke, and I was possibly a little too glib or flip or casual in my responses. If you hear something, and then the person you go to and ask isn't categorically denying it...well I could see where that could be interpreted the wrong way. It doesn't mean I like it.

In fact I'm pissed as hell that my comments were taken out of context and presented in a way that I never intended. I can honestly, may God strike me down, say that I NEVER said what my manager told me they were saying I said, but I did allude to it in that I never firmly said "NO, I'm NOT going to be the next CSM."

I'm not sure what to do. I don't think she completely believed me (my word against several) but she indicated I still have a shot at CSM. I've watched my back there...I've been a DARNED hard worker, and I'll toot my own horn and say I've been one of their best, because I have. I have an empathy with the customers that very few of the associates have. I do believe I'm an asset to the company.

I also think this whole misunderstanding is my fault because I was a little careless, and people probably overheard SOME things and filled in the blanks of what they didn't quite hear. I'll definitely be more careful in the future, and they'll then think I'm being bitchy because I'm not talking about ANYTHING LOL. Oh well, you can't win them all.

Yeah, I'm still pissed off about this.

My Country Tis of Thee...

2007-07-04T18:53:00.000-05:00

Happy Independence Day America! I love my country...if the National Anthem is playing, I'm standing, saluting, and singing along (even if it is just to myself). I've always been extremely patriotic, and I'm one of those saps that gets all teary-eyed when I see the wind catch the Flag and flutter it out, especially if the National Anthem happens to be playing at the time.

We're a nation that has many liberties and many blessings...I pray for many more for many years to come.

Not that anyone cares...

2007-07-03T11:52:00.000-05:00

but yeah, I'm having a crappy week. Hey its only Tuesday...great I have 4 more glorious days to look forward to.

Lets see. Jared is swinging again. We've gotten him back on the Prozac (the doctor said we could wean him off back in May, and he's had a couple episodes, but nothing major). However, the past week I've seen the signs, and a couple nights ago, he came in at 11pm as I was heading out to bed, and we ended up talking until midnight. He's wanting to hurt himself again. He went to the bathroom and I went and woke Justin up and together we talked to him until 1:30 in the morning. He seemed to be better yesterday, but is still down. We started his Prozac back yesterday, so hopefully he'll be feeling better soon. I can't watch him though because he left to go to his dad's for 2 weeks last night. And I didn't get to say goodbye because I got home from work less than 10 min after their dad left with them.

My procedure most definitely did NOT work. There's a slight lessoning of the pain but nothing to write home about. I'm really disappointed and depressed over it. I tried NOT to put too many hopes on this for this exact reason. So now what? They won't do the more radical procedure on me...I won't allow it even if they would. My internal anatomy is NOT the normal anatomy, and I just think it carries too many risks for me personally.

I don't think I'm going to get CSM at work either. I know I was told that I was the leading choice, but that WAS 3 weeks or so ago, and I just feel very negatively about it now. Granted, I'm depressed and paranoid, but I just don't have a warm, fuzzy feeling about it. Its ok, I'll stay in Money Center...I like it there. What I don't like is getting screwed lately on all the closing shifts. The last 3 weeks running, I've been scheduled 3 closing shifts, in relation to everyone else getting 1-2 closing shifts. OK if someone has to have 3, FINE, but rotate it. When I said something, one of the ladies snapped that I didn't close at all the first month, and not to complain now. Um, I didn't close the first month because that wasn't my availability...I opened up my availability and started closing twice a week. However lately, its been 3 times. I'm going to give it until Ana comes back from vacation, and then if I'm still getting the shaft, I'm going to approach my manager and say something. I don't want to cause trouble, but closing, then opening, then closing, then opening, and closing most weekends, is hard on me. I drive farther than anyone else, almost an hour one way, and while its not TOO bad (I get home by 10:30) I do have to get up at 4:30 to be back for 6:30, so that just makes me feel like I'm living at Wal-Mart. I'll figure it out. I'm probably just being crabby anyway.

I don't like feeling this way. I didn't want to blog today..haven't wanted to for a long time. I need to though...I don't want to let it slip, like so many other things in my life. Of course, typing with a kitten who INSISTS on sleeping on my belly, curled up in the crook of one arm, does make things a little difficult (I'm in the recliner on my laptop), but hey, I'll manage. She's too cute to move when she's all sweet and purring and snoring. She even has a little paw tucked up around her ears, just like a kid when they sleep. OK Kiki is good for me, she's making me smile. So even though none of my kids are here for the next couple weeks, I'll survive. Life isn't bad.

UGH

2007-06-29T10:43:00.000-05:00

The title says it all. The procedure was not a rousing success, certainly not what I'd hoped. I'm still in a lot of pain abdominally, and now I can add back pain to the list. I also woke up with a migraine this morning...I think because once I get comfortable, I don't move again until I wake up due to the back and abdominal pain...and I think I slept wrong and got my neck out of whack. I'd go to the chiropractor, but well, I wouldn't be able to stand her touching my back. I'm screwed I guess.

Maybe it will gradually improve (the abdominal pain). My impression was that it would pretty much be instantaneous. I could be wrong.

On another note, I've been off work since Monday night. Tuesday was my scheduled day off, and I had Wednesday, yesterday, and today off due to this procedure. I'm supposed to go in and open tomorrow. I will definitely go in, but may have to sit down a lot, and they can kiss it if they say anything. When I'm there, I'm ALWAYS cleaning something, staying busy, doing whatever needs doing. I have a legitimate excuse to sit on my ass this time, and by golly they better not give me grief.

I am worried about work anyway...CSM was supposed to be announced this week, and I've been off since it closed. I hope I haven't shot myself in the foot. If I have, oh well, it really couldn't be helped, now could it? My manager told me to my face last week when we were fixing my schedule for this week that I was still her choice. So we shall see what we shall see.

Well its over...

2007-06-27T14:14:00.000-05:00

the "surgery" that is. They used large needles (can't remember if I explained this or not) to anesthetize the nerves in the neural clusters on each side of my abdomen. Dr. Jolly isn't sure if it will help my spasms at all, although he's hopeful. The procedure itself went very quickly...about 30 minutes. I remember going into the procedure room, and I vaguely remember getting up on the table and laying down. Then la la land took over. When I woke up, and was aware that I was awake, Justin was next to my bed in the recovery room and was just so sweet and attentive. I think I'll keep him.

I'm wiped out...between not sleeping a wink last night (I got up and showered at 2:30 because I was still wide awake, and then played WoW until time for us to leave) and the drugs, I have no energy. He said if the block worked, I'll have diarrhea for a day or two, and will also have some low blood pressure issues. I'm very unsteady on my feet, but I'm ok.

So far I can't really tell a difference in my abdomen, but my back is KILLING me. It feels like I pulled several muscles, or someone punched me on each side of my spine. I'm sure by tomorrow that will be better.

So anyway, here's hoping and praying :)

The pool...is cool...

2007-06-26T18:16:00.000-05:00

yeah yeah I'm corny. Seriously though, the pool rocks :) ALL day I've wanted to go out and jump in, but Justin did all the work, and I didn't want to get in without him first. He walked through the door at 4:45 and said "What, you're not in the pool?" So we changed and out we went.

Its really nice, a lot bigger than we thought it'd be, and came with an included volleyball game. The net mounts on poles on each side, and the kids are going to LOVE it. They have NO IDEA that we got a pool, much less got it put up. Justin built a 19' square frame and filled it with sand, making sure it was levelled, and the whole set-up is just really nice.

And yes, we ended up skinny dipping in broad daylight. I was stunned that Justin was so risque, but hey, I rolled with it ;-)

Good Old Country Living...

2007-06-26T11:34:00.000-05:00

Once again our phone line is having trouble. I can't connect faster than 24k, which means I can't play WoW. I just called the phone company, and sure enough, there's still trouble on the line. Every time lightning gets our line, they come out and fix it, and we have to call them back a day or two (or more) later and say "Guess what, its still not working properly." So now they say it'll be Thursday at the latest before its fixed. Joy.

I CAN play on the satellite, but its very laggy and difficult to do. I wanted to get Shelyna to level 52 dangit LOL. Oh well. I'll live. I suppose I could take my laptop with me in the morning and play at Ochsner on their free hi-speed wireless while I wait for my "surgery." We'll see what happens.

I would literally kill for DSL.

If you died right now...

2007-06-25T22:57:00.000-05:00

would you got to Heaven or to Hell?

I'm reading "Left Behind" for the first time. I'm only 12 years behind the times there. Still, I'm about halfway through it and its very difficult to put it down. It reads a lot like John Grisham.

It scares the crap out of me.

God blessed me last year. He saved my life and gave me...not a second chance...but my umpteenth chance. I really started trying to turn my life around. I love God, I've accepted Jesus as my personal savior...I believe he was born of a virgin, walked in sinless perfection for 33 years on this earth, was persecuted and executed, and laid to rest in a tomb, only to rise from the dead in 3 days. I know that he died for our sins, and I've accepted this.

If the Rapture happened tomorrow...would I be taken? Or would I be left behind? I don't want to be left behind...but I'm not secure in my faith.

Please pray for me.

WOULD IT KILL HIM....

2007-06-25T22:43:00.000-05:00

to kiss me once in a while??? To REALLY kiss me?? Sheesh.

I come home from work tonight, bone weary and very sore from many, MANY severe muscle spasms in my abdomen this evening. Justin was waiting up for me, or trying to (he passed out in the recliner). I went into the bedroom to change, and he came in and hugged me...REALLY hugged me. It was wonderful. He held me for several minutes, or so it felt...then pulled away, and pecked me on the lips, and walked away.

Um. Dude. A wonderful, incredibly comforting and romantic hug like that, and you end it with a PECK ON THE LIPS???? I'm not saying go tonsil-diving or anything, but COME ON. A lingering kiss isn't asking too much, is it?

We never kiss anymore, and it breaks my heart. A peck on the lips isn't kissing, its an absent-minded swipe at affection that may or may not still be going strong. Its what old married couples do, especially when they've had a few loveless years lately. I don't want to put my marriage into that category.

Would it kill him to sweep me off my feet once in a while? Probably no more than it'd kill me to get up early and cook breakfast for him again like I used to before going back to work. Dangit. I had to go and think rationally, didn't I? *sigh*

Could be better...could be worse...

2007-06-21T18:28:00.000-05:00

I don't know...I just haven't felt like keeping up with this lately. I'm so tired...hurting so much...and I honestly feel like I'm having a lot of trouble "keeping it all together."

Someone at work complained to management about something I supposedly did...and I didn't do it, but I kinda did...that doesn't make sense does it? Its against policy to make scheduling changes/arrangements with other associates off the clock...someone came in, we were talking, I mentioned I was having this procedure done next week and was worried about who would work my shifts, she said she was coming back, and I jokingly said "Oh well then you can cover it!" and she laughed and said sure, as soon as she came back she'd see what she could do. That was it. It turned into a story that I called her...and I don't even have her phone number!

My chest hurts so badly...its all from the abdominal troubles...please God, please let this procedure give me some relief. I'm afraid to get my hopes up about it.

I don't know now what's going to happen with CSM...it seems like the past two days I'm being complained about a lot. I know I aggravate some folks...I get manic and talk too much. I try so hard to help, that I end up irritating rather than assisting. I get that. I try to control it, but its getting harder.

Oh well. Screw it. I'll just keep on keeping on, and try to hold it all together. I think I know where some of my meds are...I think I may not be completely out after all. It'll take a couple weeks to start seeing any benefits, but at least it'd be a start.

Drugs? Anyone?

2007-06-19T20:50:00.000-05:00

Soooo I'm thinking its beyond time to get back on some medication. I'm doing ok right now...but barely. How do I say this? I'm getting paranoid...beyond belief. I'm imagining things right and left, thinking people are talking/thinking about me...I see/hear/visualize events and conversations, and to be quite honest, I'm not sure if some of them are delusions or if they're real. I just don't know. I don't know what's coming out of my mouth half of the time. I'm not sure of some of the things I've said at work yesterday and today. Have I made sense? Have I sounded like a raving lunatic?

What's wrong with me? Oh yeah, I'm bipolar...and apparently suffering delusions of grandeur. I NEED to be funny. I NEED to be witty. I NEED to be amusing. I NEED to be...wanted.

Father's Day

2007-06-16T08:10:00.000-05:00

What a time. We were really worried that Justin's dad was hurt badly yesterday, but it appears that he'll be ok. He's 70, and its so hard to remember that...the man seems immortal. I'd walk through fire for him...he's probably the best man I've ever had the pleasure to know.

I wanted to go see my dad this weekend...but it doesn't look as if that's going to happen. I needed Justin to go with me, and he won't. Its HIS Father's Day too after all, and he doesn't want to go to AR and spend time in a federal prison. I understand...but I haven't seen my dad in 2 years. As soon as he gets back from mowing the church yard, I may go anyway. I specifically got the weekend off so I COULD go and I need to. I miss my daddy...I almost died last year, and he almost died a few weeks ago, and I NEED to see him.

What makes a good father? Is it someone who does everything right? My father in law is that way. Even if he did do something wrong, you'd never know it because he's such...well such a great guy. Is it someone who makes lots of mistakes but is there for you anyway? Sure.

My dad was not a great father...but he's the only one I ever had. Sure I had two stepdads, but not until I was an adult. My dad...he's had his problems...but I was a daddy's girl all the way. Mom shielded me a lot from his more emotional problems...in a way, that was worse, because when I grew up, and he'd react a certain way, it was a complete shock to me...a very rude awakening. Still, after his troubles the past few years, he and I grew a lot closer. He finally realized what it meant when I said I was bipolar...when I told him I was depressed...when I told him I felt like I was going crazy and just wanted to be normal. You see, my problems come through him and his mother...but he was always in denial about himself. I remember the day in 2005 when we were talking on the phone, and he was suicidal...and I just opened up and told him exactly how I'd felt all of my adult life. We talked for four hours, and he cried a lot. He felt guilty that he'd underestimated me...disparaged me...because what I was describing made him realize that I was the one person in his family who could 100% understand what he was going through, and he never gave me the credit or the opportunity. Its so sad that just when we were "finding" each other...we were separated.

Justin is a wonderful father. I almost missed him. I remember sitting in my office at work, depressed because I was coming out of a bad relationship...the only real one I'd had since separating from and divorcing my first husband...and I prayed that God would send me a good man who loved Him, who would love my children as if they were his own...would go to church with me...and I kid you not, Justin walked through the door VERY shortly afterwards. He worked in our Jackson office, and I worked in our Hattiesburg office. We talked a little while he worked on my boss's computer, and he promptly asked me to lunch. I wasn't sure if I was expected to pay or not...and I had no money. My lunch was tuna and crackers that day. So I declined. He came in the next day and asked me to lunch again...and again I declined. While he was working on the computers, he'd send me an IM to "test" them, so I had his screenname and he had mine.

A month later, I saw him online, and felt a nudge to IM him. A whirlwind followed...we IM'd the rest of the day at work, and towards the end of the day, he talked me into giving him my home number. We talked late into the night. The next day, we talked all day on IM, and all NIGHT. I kid you not, until 4:30 or 5:00 the next morning. We were both dragging at work. That was a Wednesday. Thursday he was heading to Poplarville to spend the night with his folks and then drive to a conference with Quixtar in Houston with his mom and sister. We made arrangements to meet at the Hattiesburg mall for supper, and spent about 3 hours together. He tried to kiss me a couple times as he was leaving and I kept ducking my head. All the poor boy got was a hug!

The following week was our first official date...it was the last Thursday in March, 2000. We had dinner, and drove around a lot...he took me to Poplarville to his family farm, and wanted me to meet his parents but they weren't home. We had so much fun, and I finally let him kiss me as I was getting ready to get back in my car and go home. To say the earth moved would be an understatement. I came home very confused and with more questions than answers.

Jared's 6th birthday was the following week, and I let him meet Justin. I was very protective of who got to meet my kids. It was love at first sight. Jared IMMEDIATELY wanted to ride in Justin's truck and did NOT want me to go with them. He had so much fun at Justin's family's farm, and all in all was a great day. It was that week at some point that I knew I was in love with Justin. My friend John and I talked about it a lot. I'd "fallen in love" with and married my first husband in a week...I didn't want to think I was making the same mistake again. John was instrumental in convincing me to tell Justin how I felt.

The following weekend was Easter, and my ex had the kids. Justin and I spent the weekend in Jackson, and I told him Friday night that I loved him. He was stunned and I felt like...well like I'd messed up. The next day we went to the Vicksburg National Park...Civil War site...and had so much fun. We explored all day, and he let it slip that he loved me too. It took him completely by surprise when he said it, but he never looked back from that point. That day is one of the best I have memories of...being in love and not being pressured about anything...it was just wonderful. We'd been dating a day past 2 weeks.

The following weekend...3 weeks into our relationship, he took me to the coast, to dinner at Red Lobster. We were dressed up, because we were supposed to be going to a Quixtar meeting, but we ran late so decided to have dinner and then walk on the beach instead. He got down on one knee on the beach, pulled a box out of his pocket, and proposed to me, in the moonlight, with my beloved ocean in the background.

It all moved so fast...we were married 4 months later, and while we've had a couple rough spots in our marriage...August will make 7 years, and I've never looked back. God blessed us with Bekah...a miracle if ever there was one. Justin wasn't supposed to be able to have children...and Bekah herself was a twin. We lost the twin around 7-8 weeks gestation, and I went on complete bed rest so I wouldn't lose her too. They were fraternal thankfully. We get mad at each other...and sometimes yell during our fights. We don't go to bed mad, and I honestly believe I'll be married to him until one or both of us dies. We're such complete opposites...and yet I love him more every day that goes by.

How did this Father's Day turn into a walk down memory lane with Justin? Not sure. All I know is that God does answer our prayers...sometimes we miss it, sometimes we're lucky enough to catch it by the skin of our teeth. Justin is a strict man, but he's also a loving and generous man...and never considers himself to be a father of 1. He always talks about "my kids"...not "my stepkids." He loves them as much as he loves Bekah...or if he doesn't quite, you'd never know it by his actions and words. Its really hard on him to share them with my ex-husband, because he feels like they're his children...but he's gracious about it and my kids...all 3 of them...know that if they ever need anything...he's here for them.

Last of all...this Father's Day, we need to remember our Heavenly Father...without whom NOTHING would be possible. I myself forget to be as grateful as I should be...to give thanks as often as I should. I'll be making more of an effort to do so...take more time to pray and read the Bible than I've been doing. God has been so generous with me, and I've been less than the perfect daughter. Its time I worked on that a lot more than I've been doing lately.

Happy Father's Day!

Found Dr. Jolly...

2007-06-15T09:39:00.000-05:00

and he was pretty cool...he last worked at MD Anderson so he's very very familiar with cancer patients, and considers me one even though *I* don't consider myself one. I just feel like I had it so much easier than most...but I digress.

He gave me a script for a new muscle relaxer to try...he was going to prescribe some more pain killers too but I told him I still had plenty left over and didn't want any more in my house until those are gone. I have kids, including a pre-teen and new teen who I don't want to be tempted, no matter how well we're trying to raise them. And honestly, who needs more pain pills when they already have Vicadin, Dilaudid, Morphine, Percoset, Darvocet, Lortab, Talacen, and something else I'm forgetting at the moment. Almost all the bottles are full too, except the Talacen and the Darvocet...those work fairly well so I've used them more than the others...but still, they're over a year old and I haven't used them all yet, nowhere close, so I don't need any more.

They scheduled me for outpatient "surgery" on the 27th...I don't have the name of the procedure in front of me, but he's had some success with it...he'll go in with big-ass needles on each side of my spine and go to the nerve clusters and anesthetize them. There's a more radical way, to use alcohol to burn the nerves, but he said the alcohol isn't selective and could cause other damage, and since I'm in remission, he wants to try the other way first. This is the first step.

The muscle spasms concern him because its something he's never personally seen in the abdomen...and thank you Lord, but one happened while I was there...I yanked my shirt up (after doubling over) and said "LOOK" and he could see my whole abdomen hardening and spasming while I sat there wriggling around and crying. So, there's definite proof that I'm not overreacting and exaggerating. They also checked my blood pressure after it happened and it'd gone through the roof. He said he'll have to do some more research on the spasms, and options we can try.

So...I did feel encouraged...I'm impressed with his medical background, and I liked HIM, as did Justin. Justin also tried to get him to say I couldn't work anymore, and the doctor said just reading the post-operative reports in the system on me and looking at my CT scans and reports, he would be willing to do so, but that he didn't think I wanted that...and I don't. SSI would be nice, but I do NOT want to be...disabled. I feel like I'm probably in more pain because I AM so active with work and all, but I also feel like I'm stronger now than I would be if I were sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. And I WOULD feel sorry for myself if I were here day after day.

Anyway...sorry to ramble. I took one of the new pills just to see how its going to affect me...something called zanaflex. He wants me to take it 3 times a day if it doesn't prevent me from driving or working, but until I see if its going to make me groggy or not (all the labels say it will) I don't want to risk it.

Yes, I'm afraid to take pain pills. That's another story in and of itself. I will take them if I have to, but I hate doing it.

Paging Dr. Jolly!

2007-06-13T20:16:00.000-05:00

So tomorrow is my much-anticipated appointment with the pain specialist at Ochsner. His name totally cracks me up! This is the guy who's going to hopefully be able to do something with my pain, maybe give me more pain pills (that I don't want or need since I still have so many), and he's named Dr. Jolly. Hee hee. It still makes me smile.

Please pray that this will give me some relief. I need to start sleeping soon. I'm not a nice person at all lately. Work is taking every drop of niceness left in my body, and its getting harder and harder to smile throughout the day at work.

So yeah, I have high hopes for Dr. Jolly, but am trying not to anticipate it TOO much, for fear that I'll just be disappointed yet again. We'll see what we shall see.

Electrifying Experience--Part 2

2007-06-12T17:32:00.001-05:00

Yep, it happened again. A couple tried to steal a TV from Wal-Mart today. The woman tried to escape through the TLE department with it, where her male cohort was circling the parking lot in a van. When pursued, she tried to jump through the window of the van, but was tazered in the process, causing her to eat pavement. The guy decides to try to escape past the police car that was blocking the entrance into the side-lot where TLE is, and instead crumpled the front of his van and the side panel of the police car.

I can't wait for this to hit the news...it was a funny day. When will people learn? I mean honestly, is it REALLY worth the risk??

Audubon Zoo

2007-06-10T09:50:00.000-05:00

On Memorial Day, Justin took the kids and me to The Audubon Zoo. We had a lot of fun and I got to try out my new digital camera. However, the pictures were so many, and so large, that I never could get them uploaded on our dialup connection. But...we got WildBlue satellite internet Friday...and while I can't play WoW on it (bummer, cause we're probably going to cancel the house phone) our speeds are SO much better.

So I uploaded most of the decent pics here. Well these are of the family. I'll make another sub-album for the animals...and another for the flora and fauna pics I took. I took WAY too many of those...but I just had to try out my new camera right? Some of the pictures could definitely be better, because I didn't figure out the auto-focus feature until we were about halfway through the zoo *blush*.

But hey, we had fun, right? Here are a couple of my favorite pics of the family:

CSM Interview

2007-06-08T18:56:00.000-05:00

I was interviewed today for CSM (Customer Service Manager). It went really well, and I should hopefully be a CSM within a month at the longest. Dara was a CSM at the old store, so she has seniority over me...but they'll be hiring a total of 3 CSMs, so its all good.

The problem is that its strictly a part-time position. I can't afford to drop below 30 hours a week...and if I'm going to work 5 days, and have less hours each of those days, I'll be spending the same amount of money on gas for what amounts to a pay-cut, not a pay-raise. However, if I can get all my time in on 4 days, then it won't be so bad. Hopefully it'll turn into full-time even though they say right now that there will be no more full-time CSM positions.

We'll see what we'll see...

Wild Blue

2007-06-08T18:33:00.000-05:00

Well Justin got us hooked up with Wild Blue today. The good news...I can go anywhere in the house and outside with my laptop and have a fast internet connection. The bad news...WoW doesn't play well on it at ALL, despite the assurances of the sales rep that his son played on it better than on dialup. NOPE. Still, Justin needs the faster connection for work, and if we can't have this AND Bellsouth, its bye bye dialup and limited WoW playing for me. I'll be unhappy, but I'll live :)

About Justin's work...they finally got the server problem fixed Monday and he's sleeping better now. WHEW.

Movie Review - The Last Unicorn DVD release

2007-06-06T10:45:00.001-05:00

I saw this movie in theaters back in 1982 or so, whenever it was released. I remember it was the early 80's, because I met my best friend Phyllis in 3rd period English class on the 1st day of school in 7th grade, and that was in 1981. We saw the movie together. We loved it...it was very strange compared to other animated features we'd seen at the time, but we loved it nonetheless.

Until the DVD release, I was unaware it was based on an actual book. I'm definitely going to be getting a copy of the book to read.

Regardless, the DVD release itself was extremely disappointing to me. The movie is ONLY available in full-screen, not a wide-screen format, which I much prefer, and which the movie deserves. The quality of the images themselves doesn't seem to be as sharp as my VHS version was (it bit the dust in my house fire in 1999). The menu is pathetic, and the special features aren't really very special at all, although I enjoyed the commentary from author Peter S. Beagle VERY much.

Now. The movie itself...I don't recommend it for the average small child...I was concerned about Bekah watching it at 4 1/2, but I'd forgotten some of the elements when I bought it, and let her watch it. She enjoyed it and loves watching it repeatedly, but some of the themes can be disturbing for a small child.

The movie is a little disjointed...the dialogue is rapid and includes a LOT of run-on sentences, or so it appears due to the quickness. This causes a feeling of being rushed, as if they were trying to cram too much into too little space, and perhaps time was an issue when the movie was first made. It doesn't ruin the movie, if anything it makes it somewhat unique...but it does irritate me a little. However, all three of my kids love it, and its a great work of literature, and now the older two are wanting to read the book also, so hey, that's something!

The story line itself is very strong, and I love the understory with Molly and Schmendrick. You're left wondering what will happen to Prince Lir, and how Molly and Schmendrick's lives will turn out.

If you've never seen this movie, I highly recommend it, but don't expect Disney quality animation. The animation is very simplified, which in turn gives you more of a chance to focus on the excellent storyline. The soundtrack is performed by America...VERY nice.

If you have small kids, you may wish to watch the movie first without them, but depending on the level your child can handle, it may end up becoming a new family favorite (or an old favorite in my case).

Reverse Discrimination

2007-06-05T21:15:00.000-05:00

Living in the south, I've often witnessed this, but never in a REAL personal way. Sure, I've been called names, accused of being a racist, various other things, usually by black people. But today topped the cake.

I was treated very nastily today. I was taken aback, because I've never done anything TO this person, never talked bad about them, I've often said hello to them, and was confused because I was glared at or outright ignored. The whole situation has been strange, but because I rarely work with this person, I rarely thought a whole lot about it, and just chalked it up to them having a bad day.

Today, after a couple nasty incidents that rubbed me the wrong way, it got even worse, and I finally confronted said person. "What have I done to piss you off?"..."Nothing."..."Then why are you so nasty to me?"..."Because you're white."..."Excuse me??"..."Because you're white and you think everything should be for you."..."I do???"..."All whites do. All ya'll do is keep us down...look at what happened after The Storm...white America only cares about white America." My response...after a moment of slack-jawed shock? "I'm so sorry for you. Nothing I can say can remove your hatred, and you must be very unhappy." I walked away to the tune of "White bitch" ringing in my ears.

Should I report it? Probably. Will I? No. What purpose would it serve? I'm going to TRY to put it behind me, not an easy thing to do considering how empathetic and paranoid I am, but I'm going to try my best. I've done nothing wrong...I'd say 98% of the blacks in our store like me (that know me). I have a history of racism in my family in the worst way, and maybe if I'm guilty of anything, its trying too hard NOT to be a racist. Does that in turn make me a racist? Maybe...its something I'll have to think about in depth.

He's coming around...

2007-06-03T09:45:00.000-05:00

The cat is still inside for now. I've been keeping her in the utility room at night and whenever I'm gone, but I've been taking her out when I'm here and letting her play with me in the recliner. Justin shoots mean looks at her now and then, but he hasn't said anything else...yet. Today he was needing to get clothes out of the dryer and asked if he "could let the cat out" so that's progress.

Oh she has a name now. Bekah heard me calling her..."Here Kittykittykitty" and she tried to call her..."Here kikikikiki"...I asked her if she was trying to say "kitty" and she said yes, and said "kitty"...but then I asked if she wanted to call her Kiki and she got ALL excited. So Kiki it is. It suits her little personality too.

We've discovered a "tickle spot". If she's laying on her left side, and you scratch just behind her right ear, JUST so...she kicks her right hind paw and its soooo funny. I've had dogs do that, but never a cat.

So far we've had no accidents, but then, I've left her in her room with the litter box when she's not under constant observation. I figure to lock her up another couple weeks, and then start letting her roam free little by little. There can be NO accidents anywhere in the house, or Justin will go ballistic.

This is the prettiest cat I've ever had. I'm not thrilled that she looks like she's going to have long fur, but oh well. I'll just have to keep her well-brushed.

On to something else...Justin. I'm worried about him. They had server trouble this week while trying to implement a change, and he had to work late Tuesday I think it was...so he figured he'd only have to work a couple hours Friday. Friday they tried the server change again, and it crashed the entire network. So he didn't get home until after 10 Friday night, and was back yesterday until 8 or 9 last night. He's planning on going back this afternoon. He's not sleeping well at all the last couple nights, and he looks terrible. Well, not terrible as in ugly, but terrible around his eyes. He has an exhausted look about him. I've discovered that I've really missed him the past couple nights. I've been counting on him to be here for me at night, and I hadn't realized just how much I've come to rely on him. Just knowing he's here in the house or out in the yard gives me comfort. When he's not around, I'm actually jumpy. I haven't figured that one out yet. Quite possibly it has something to do with almost dying last year and coming to grips with different things, but I'm not sure. Then too it could just be the bipolar rearing its ugly head. I really should be back on my meds.

Anyway. Enough for now. I didn't get on WoW at all yesterday and I'm feeling the need to quest.

Yep, he was mad!

2007-05-30T18:30:00.000-05:00

The subject says it all. It did NOT go well. Actually, I guess it did go ok. He's mad that I went behind his back, but I got tired of begging. Its my house too, and dangit, I'm NOT like I was last year before my surgeries, and he knows that. I deserve another chance...shoot screw the other chance...he threw my kitten outside when he thought I was not going to come home from the hospital. If you want to get technical, he owes me another cat.

However, I don't like thinking that way anymore. The past is past. I need a cat. I'm a cat lover, and I've ALWAYS had a cat to help comfort me. There are times when I can't talk to anyone, and my cats have always understand. Alright, I know they didn't UNDERSTAND...but they comforted me regardless.

So...it didn't go great...but it sure as heck could have went a lot worse...I told him as soon as she's used to us I'll put her outside, but I'm hoping I can talk him around to letting her stay inside as long as I keep her litter box and feeding areas clean. I can hope, right?

Newest Addition to our Family

2007-05-30T15:50:00.000-05:00

We haven't picked a name yet...in fact I put up a poll on my board because there is a fierce debate raging between the kids and me right now. Justin doesn't know that we have her...in fact our last conversation was not too positive...but I'm hoping I can work him around. If worst comes to to worst, she can go outside once she's used to us...but I really don't want to lose another animal to the road...so hopefully I can convince him, AND live up to my end of the bargain.

So anyway, I'll update as soon as a name is chosen!!!

Just Gotta Vent

2007-05-29T18:13:00.000-05:00

OK, so I haven't posted since Thursday, and now all I'm going to do is vent. No, I don't like to post about bad things all the time, but I'm so tired, and so frustrated.

Work was just awful last week. Well, nothing really *that* bad...but I wasn't feeling 100% by any means, and my attitude suffered for it. On Thursday, all hell broke loose in the Money Center (I may have posted about it, not sure)...and it was very stressful and while I handled it at the time, I was PISSED at the way management completely abandoned me to it. Sure I handled it ok, but that's not the point. They walked away and refused to even try to help.

Friday I got fussed at in front of customers and other associates for something I did NOT do. Jackie and I were having a conversation in Customer Service, and I mentioned that I had to talk to the CSM's because I was on track to have 3.5 hours of overtime. All week, I tried to cut out of work early, and instead I was kept late due to the business of Money Center and the understaffing. CSM's kept me over. I started clocking in only 1-3 min early rather than the 15 min I usually clock in early in order to try to compensate for it, and took some longer lunches (an hour and 15 min instead of just an hour). Leroy, a dept. manager, overhears and jumps on the radio calling management into it. Management fussed at the CSMs, and the CSM on the book jumped my case for a)not going to them first and b)having overtime. Umm...*I* didn't go to management, LEROY DID. *I* didn't intend to have overtime, they kept forgetting about me and not relieving me and asking me to stay over, with me telling them the entire time that if I did, I'd have overtime. Still, I managed to keep my cool, but then walked to another CSM and told him I was quitting. He calmed me down and then I was fine. It takes a lot to set me off, but when I get set off, its something small that does it to me. Anyway, rather than let me go home early, they forced me to take a 3 hour lunch. That is so WRONG. Its just not right! I did it because I need my job, but I was pissed.

So anyway. Thursday, I officially got the Money Center job offer, and I accepted it, never realizing I was shooting my CSM ambition in the foot. I even told the manager doing the paper work that I was put in for CSM and how I wanted to make sure I did everything by the book. NEVER did he tell me that accepting the Money Center job offer kicked me out of any other job offers for 6 months. GAHHHH. That's why I want to vent today. I bust my ass for them, and this is how I'm repaid. True, working in Money Center, no one sees my performance...not really. And we have a lot of down time over there, where they walk by and see us standing around talking or something. But there are many, MANY other times where we don't have time to take a break or a lunch because we're so slammed...so it really makes up for it in those areas.

I don't know now if I want CSM. I'm getting pretty jaded on the whole process. If God doesn't want me to be a CSM, fine, but let me know rather than just throwing stumbling blocks in my path, please! Ok that's wrong but I'm just frustrated. I work really hard and I give my customers my best. I don't snap at them, I'm polite to them, and I take a lot of CRAP from them, and I suppose I just want to be rewarded for that. But ya know what...CSMs take even more crap so maybe its best for me to just stay in MC...especially since the chronic pain is really no better and I'm still not sure how long I can keep going.

OK venting is over...I feel better even though I'm sure I didn't make much sense.

Its here!!!

2007-05-24T19:55:00.000-05:00

My new camera that is!!! The battery pack is plugged in to charge, and Justin is helping me dig through the huge manuals and such. My niece is really into photography, and her graduation party is Monday, so I'm going to take my camera then and see if she can help give me some pointers.

I have hummingbirds now...at least 3 of them. I REALLY want to be able to zoom in on them feeding and get some clear pictures...some good quality pictures. Oh I'm so EXCITED!!!

Why do battery packs have to take so long to charge? *sigh*

The Security of Our Borders

2007-05-23T21:37:00.001-05:00

I'm really really tired, so won't get into this very much and most likely won't make a lick of sense...but here goes.

I was on my way home today, and while listening to the radio, one of my favorite "drive time" talk shows was on...Matt Friederman on WAOY, the Christian Radio station in the AFR network in Mississippi. They were talking about our security, our borders, illegal immigrants, and amnesty.

Playing off a few of their comments, I really started thinking about my experiences with immigrants lately. Working in the Money Center, MOST of my customers who wire money speak little to no English. I've seriously considered attempting to learn Spanish just so I can communicate with them a little more effectively.

So anyway. Just a few short months ago, I was of the opinion that we didn't need immigration, that it harmed us...took jobs...etc. Now...I don't see things quite so black and white. I can see more pros than cons...I like the idea of someone coming to my country to make a living for their family, or to better their lives...I don't like to think of anyone living in poverty or neglect. But...all Mexicans, for instance, can't be living in terrible conditions...can they? I mean...come on...is it just the lure of more money? I can understand that.

Amnesty. I think IF Amnesty is given, the people applying should have NO advantages over new applicants for visas. Maybe the answer can be to give out a HUGE number of visas and student visas...but really attempt to document these guys. Shutting the border may not be the best option after all...but can we really afford to do anything else? If we allowed "anyone" to live and work in our country as long as they were well-documented, I'm sure that more terrorists would leak through. I'm not naive though...I think we have a huge risk from people who have immigrated here years, even decades ago...gained citizenship, and now are working deep cover.

When I worry about my country's security, it isn't hispanics I'm worried about...it isn't any *specific* country...its the fear of the unknown slipping through our very open borders. What worries me almost as much is the fear of becoming completely shut down...much like the Iron Curtain during the Cold War. Very difficult to traven into our country...difficult to travel out of it as well.

We're a country founded on freedom...do we want to lose even more of our freedoms? I WANT us to be secure...I want us to be safe...I do not want my safe haven to be behind concrete and steel walls however.

What is the solution? IS there a solution?

Total Cop Out

2007-05-23T20:47:00.000-05:00

No, nothing to do with the police this time. I'm too exhausted to try to be creative tonight. I worked in ladies' wear most of the day today, and I'm sore and worn out.

I'm not sure if I'm going to even get an interview for CSM...the computer may still be giving me fits in regards to getting my name on the interview list. At this point I don't care so much really...I need to get my payraise for Money Center finalized first...I don't want to get the CSM position (and subsequent pay raise) until I get the other raise. So...I can be patient.

Just to kill time, a couple more blogthings: (Thanks Meg for this first one!)

Your Political Profile:

Overall: 65% Conservative, 35% Liberal

Social Issues: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Ethics: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal

How Liberal Or Conservative Are You?

WOW who knew??

You Should Get An Asian Inspired Tattoo

Mysterious and expressive
You like to show off, but you also like to keep some allure

What Tattoo Should You Get?

Now how funny is this considering my post a couple weeks ago about wanting a dragon tattoo to cover my surgical scar??

You Are A Pine Tree

You love agreeable company, peace, and harmony.
Compassionate and friendly, you love to help others.
A natural poet, you have a very active imagination.
You are very soft on the inside - needing affection and reassurance.
You can fall in love deeply, but you will leave if you feel betrayed.

What's Your Celtic Horoscope?

Oh this is soooo close to home! Especially the last part...and unfortunately it doesn't take much to make me feel betrayed, thanks to my paranoia!

Well, that's enough for now. I'll try to be more interesting and creative later. OOOH yeah, my new camera arrives tomorrow (got the compact flash card today)!!

Electrifying Experience!!!

2007-05-22T18:49:00.000-05:00

What a DAY!!! Today a registered sex offender was caught in the store, using his camera phone to take pictures up women's skirts. When cornered, he fought both security guys, and was winning...so two cops got involved, and still couldn't tip the scales (4 on 1 at this point). I'm assuming the guy was hyped up on something...I mean COME ON. Four guys?? So one cop pulls his taser gun out and the guy knocks it out of his hand...cop retrieves it, and tasers the guy...it took TWO hits before the guy could be subdued. Oh yeah, he was definitely on something.

You know, when I took this job, I had no idea that such crazy things happened on a regular basis. There's almost never a dull day at work. Still, I'm very glad this guy was caught...I guess you could say this was a success story :-)

New camera!

2007-05-21T21:48:00.000-05:00

So I didn't exactly go all impulsive, but I did order a new digital camera today from Dell. I'm going to hate myself for it I'm sure. Its an Olympus E-volt E-500 with 2 lenses. I'm sure it'll take forever for me to even learn how to use it...but hopefully I'll be able to at least take somewhat decent pictures with it right away.

I shopped this decision for a couple weeks now, and I know that I should have waited. Gotta love the bipolar, eh?? I took my time looking, but when I found the one I "liked" I jumped on it, even though it was $150 more than what I'd intended to spend.

So now I have to hope that I enjoy it and don't regret the purchase. We'll see what we shall see.

An attempt to divert myself...

2007-05-20T10:37:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I'm in a ton o'pain this morning. I'm having to sit out of church, and that really bothers me. I'd much rather be in church with my family than on pain pills and in the recliner right now.

SOOOO in an attempt to divert myself, I've decided to do some more of those fun quizzes I ripped off from Kristina's blog yesterday. Of course, I only took 2-3 from her blog itself...the others I found from doing those, and liked them so put them here :)

Enjoy ;-)

You Are 78% American

You're as American as red meat and shooting ranges.
Tough and independent, you think big.
You love everything about the US, wrong or right.
And anyone who criticizes your home better not do it in front of you!

How American Are You?

Wow, I would have thought I'd be 100% American, considering my patriotism and pride in my veteran status. Whoops!

You Are a Powdered Devil's Food Donut

A total sweetheart on the outside, you love to fool people with your innocent image.
On the inside you're a little darker, richer, and more complex.
You're a hedonist who demands more than one pleasure at a time.
Decadent and daring, you test the limits of human indulgence.

What Donut Are You?

Ummm...ok...

You Belong in Dublin

Friendly and down to earth, you want to enjoy Europe without snobbery or pretensions.
You're the perfect person to go wild on a pub crawl... or enjoy a quiet bike ride through the old part of town.

What European City Do You Belong In?

Ireland...FUN!!!

You Are 79% Borderline

Many signs point toward you having a borderline personality.
It's probably a good idea to seek therapy. Or at least read a self help book.

Do You Have a Borderline Personality?

Couldn't resist this one! Thank goodness I'm not 100% borderline LOL! Actually I have been diagnosed borderline, before I was diagnosed bipolar.

You Are Iceman

You tried to live a normal life, but it just wasn't possible
A bit of a slacker, you rather tell jokes than cultivate your powers

Powers: turning self and others into ice, making ice weapons, becoming nearly invisible

Which of the X-Men Are You?

So much for my secret crush on Wolverine...

Your Life is Rated PG-13

Your life isn't totally scandalous, but you definitely don't shy away from adult themes!

What is Your Life Rated?

Now if I'd had to take this back during my college/Army years...it probably would have maxxed out the bad scale LOL

You've Changed 48% in 10 Years

You've done a good job changing with the times, but deep down, you're still the same person.
You're clothes, job, and friends may have changed some - but it hasn't changed you.

How Much Have You Changed in 10 Years?

Glad to know I was as boring 10 years ago as I am now!

You Are a Life Blogger!

Your blog is the story of your life - a living diary.
If it happens, you blog it. And make it as entertaining as possible.

What Kind of Blogger Are You?

That's about right.

You Are Lightning

Beautiful yet dangerous
People will stop and watch you when you appear
Even though you're capable of random violence

You are best known for: your power

Your dominant state: performing

What Type of Weather Are You?

How the HECK did they get that from MY answers?? (I do love lightning though)

You Are 48% Impulsive

You're quite impulsive, but you never are reckless.
You qualify as a very spontaneous person, but you still know how to honor your commitments.
And while responsibility doesn't come easy to you, having fun does!

Are You Impulsive?

OK, I can see that...although financially, I'm VERY impulsive and have a hard time not buying something I see and like.

Your Aura is Red

You have a high level of emotion. This can mean passion, but it can also mean rage.
Usually, you don't take these emotions out on others. You just use them as motivation - and it works!

The purpose of your life: embracing all the wonders of the life, lots of travels, and tons of adventures

Famous reds include: Madonna, Marilyn Monroe, Jennifer Lopez

Careers for you to try: Dancer, Boxer, Surgeon

What Color Is Your Aura?

Close enough...although I certainly never aspired to emulate Madonna :p

Your Hidden Talent

You have the power to persuade and influence others.
You're the type of person who can turn a whole room around.
The potential for great leadership is there, as long as you don't abuse it.
Always remember, you have a lot more power over people than you might think!

What's Your Hidden Talent?

Wow...

You Are 16% Phobic

Wow, you're scared of very little. And you're always conquering new fears that come up.
Have you considered a career as a stunt double? You should at least go on one of those crazy reality shows where you eat bugs!

How Phobic Are You?

True, I didn't choose more than 3 or so...BUT I consider myself a very cowardly person in general LOL

You Passed the US Citizenship Test

Congratulations - you got 10 out of 10 correct!

Could You Pass the US Citizenship Test?

Wow. I could be a US citizen. Whoo hoo!

You Are 65% Addicted to Blogthings

You lead the pack when it comes to posting Blogthings.
And your friends (mostly) thank you for it.
It's cute that you insist on being called your Japanese name.
Just stop bragging about your IQ score!

How Addicted To Blogthings Are You?

Couldn't resist this one!!!

And that'll do it for this morning. I've totally wasted my free time. Usually by this time of the morning I'm well on my way to a new WoW level. Oh well...my hunter will still be there later :)

Just some Saturday fun...

2007-05-19T18:01:00.002-05:00

So I'm shamelessly stealing some cute things from other blogs today. Sue me. Seriously though, I thought my results were fun, and thought ya'll might like to play too :)

You Are Japanese Food

Strange yet delicious.
Contrary to popular belief, you're not always eaten raw.

What Kind of Food Are You?

LOL...ooook whatever...I'm not into ethnic foods AT ALL...although I DO enjoy eating at a certain Japanese steak house in Jackson, MS, whenever I can!

Your Attitude is Better than 60% of the Population

You have a good attitude. While a realist, you do see the positive side of most things. People love to be around you.

How's Your Attitude?

Oddly enough, I always think I'm rather pessimistic. Guess that's the bipolar talking...

You Are a Believer

You definitely believe in God - and you're very unwavering in your religious beliefs.
In fact, religion and spirituality are definitely big parts of your life.
Religion shapes how you view right and wrong, as well as the decisions you make.
It's hard for you to imagine how your life would be without your beliefs.

Are You an Atheist, Agnostic or a Believer?

No surprise there!!!

You Are 44% Brutally Honest

Honesty is important to you, but generally, you try not to be brutal about it.
You'll sugar coat the truth when you need to... and tell a white lie when necessary.

How Brutally Honest Are You?

I don't like to hurt feelings, that's for sure, but I will tell people I care about what I'm thinking...

You Are 45% Normal

While some of your behavior is quite normal...
Other things you do are downright strange
You've got a little of your freak going on
But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

How Normal Are You?

Yeah...I'm not normal!

You've Experienced 84% of Life

You have an amazing amount of life experience. In fact, you've seen and done more than most people.
So congratulate yourself on what you've done so far. The future is only going to be more of the same!

How Much Life Experience Do You Have?

It ain't the years honey, its the mileage!!!

Your Famous Movie Kiss is from Spiderman

"I have always been standing in your doorway. Isn't it about time somebody saved your life?"

What Famous Movie Kiss Are You?

OK I guess this one is kinda cool...although I definitely don't look as good in a wet t-shirt as she did!!!

You Are 45% Redneck

The wheels still turning, but the hamster's dead.
You're just fakin' bein' a redneck.

How Redneck Are You?

ROFL...Guess I'm not as bad as I thought I was!!

You Are Not Destined to Rule the World

You are destined for something else...
Like inventing a new type of cupcake.
You just don't have the stomach for brutality.
But watch out - because many people do!

Are You Destined For World Domination?

That's me...Queen of the Cupcakes!!

You Are a Conservative Democrat

Frankly, the way most other Democrats behave embarasses you greatly.
You pride yourself on a high level of morals, and you have a good grasp on right and wrong.
It's likely you think America needs to get back to its conservative, Juedo-Christian values.
Why aren't you a Republican then? Because you believe the goverment helps more than hurts.

What's Your Political Persuasion?

OK, the Conservative I get...but Democrat? Ok maybe...probably cause of my answer on the Pot question...

Well that's enough for now...I could easily be here answering these all day (considering I've been playing for about 3 hours straight now!!!)

What a week!

2007-05-18T09:35:00.000-05:00

Wow its been a crazy week. Work has had SOMETHING happen all week. Yesterday they installed new touch screen computers in Customer Service and changed the MoneyGram and Money Order machines in Money Center. Both changes have made the times go VERY slow now, and we were slammed all day in both places, because it was pay day. What a day to screw up the systems! Can't wait to see what happens today.

I also found out we're not making bonus this month. All quarter we've heard "Sales are up, sales are up" and now supposedly we didn't make sales so we're not getting our bonus. This new quarterly plan may end up costing us our bonuses rather than helping us out. Sounds about right.

The new CSM position opened up on the computer yesterday, and I put in for it. I also put in for CSM positions, Money Center and Customer Service positions, in stores in Picayune, Gulfport, Hattiesburg, Wiggins, Bogalusa, and the other Slidell store. I feel like I'm being wasted and underpaid, and yes, to toot my own horn here, I'm WORTH it. I'm really good with the customers and I'm super fast with everything I do. This new computer change in Money Center threw all of us for a loop, but I'm not bragging when I say that I've caught on to it the easiest and the fastest, and a couple of the other ladies are just really struggling with it. It'll be interesting to see what is said when I get there today (although I'm working Customer Service 1-10 tonight, I'm sure I'll end up in MC some too).

Tomorrow will be rough...I open Money Center...which means I'll get home around 10:45-11:00 if all goes well...in bed by 11:30 if I'm lucky...then I'll have to get up at 5:00 in order to be there to clock in by 6:45. I need to clock in early so I can set up the drawers and call for my loan. Otherwise I'll never be open and ready to go by 7:00.

Who knew that I'd find my niche at Wal-Mart? Seriously. I'm pretty talented, fairly well-educated, and definitely intelligent...and I'm a cashier at Wal-Mart. Yet there are aspects to this job that give me immense enjoyment. I also see ways to improve operations, and hope that I'll be in the position soon to be able to have my input really mean something. I could see myself going somewhere with WM and moving on up into different positions. I still don't think I want to go into salaried management though. I did really well as a salaried manager in restaurants, but I was also in peak health. Now...everything's changed. Cancer...the gift that keeps on giving.

I need to remember all I have to be grateful for and stop dwelling in the past. I'll never run again...I'll never be active again like I was...I just need to accept that and move on. There are other things in life, and I really am grateful that God chose to extend mine.

Lions and Tigers and Bears...OH MY!

2007-05-16T18:01:00.000-05:00

OK well not quite. But, the last couple days at work have been interesting, to say the least.

Yesterday I was in Money Center, and I jumped onto a register to help out because we were shorthanded and lines were backing up. I thought I smelled something, and then was sure I did, and then the fire alarm went off. My customer was mad because I wouldn't let her check out and instead ushered her out of the store. We had a lot of people trying to take fully-loaded shopping carts out of the store..."But I NEED this stuff!"...without paying for it. This all happened right before I was to clock out for lunch, so I was fortunate...I basically got an hour and 45 minute lunch break. Several fire trucks came, and we saw our store manager up on the roof (and yes, there were a few shouts of "Jump!" from some wisecrackers). The situation? An A/C unit on the roof started burning its coil. Even though there was no actual fire, the customer service and accounting offices filled with smoke, and the fumes were bad enough that my breathing suffered the rest of the day. Apparently last night, the A/C unit caught on fire, according to the night crew I talked to when I came in this morning. I guess the management didn't learn its lesson from yesterday's "drill".

This morning I came in, and the power was out all over the area...no street lights, no traffic signals, nothing. Our store was closed, but employees were still working. The freezers and coolers were wrapped in plastic to help preserve the food, and they were just about to call a refrigerated truck when the power came back on. It was off about 3 1/2 hours. Not sure what exactly happened there.

A couple hours after the store got power back, the grocery side door greeter had a heart attack. I haven't gotten any more info on her...and I sure hope she's ok. She's really nice.

After THAT our MoneyGram and Money Order system in our registers started malfunctioning, and we couldn't do those for a few hours. We had QUITE A FEW upset customers over that one, let me tell you.

I wonder what excitement I'll find when I go in at 5:30 in the morning...its never a dull day at Wal-Mart!

These times we live in...

2007-05-14T18:57:00.000-05:00

This may get deep...then again it may not. I'm not that talented after all lol.

Many of you who read this blog are my friends, and thus know a bit about my life. However, in the rare event there is someone out there reading who does NOT know me (lucky you!), I'll touch on a couple of points relevant to this post.

1)I'm a Christian
2)I'm a Conservative (duh)
3)I'm an Army veteran, and was deployed in Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, and (briefly) Iraq during the first Gulf War
4)My stepson (from my first marriage) is currently a soldier serving in Baghdad (please pray for Daniel)

Today, while working in the Money Center, I had a customer with an accent come in and request the form to send a money transfer. He only spoke a few words, so I only caught the briefest hint of an accent...certainly not enough to place that accent. I assumed he was hispanic by his coloring, and he laughed at that and said most people thought that, and that it was preferable to the hatred he expects to encounter. I looked at him questioningly, and he told me he was an Arab. "Asalam allaikum" (I know, I butchered that spelling) I then told him. His expression brightened, and he returned the greeting. I told him that while I was stationed overseas in the first Gulf War, I spoke almost fluent Arabic, but because I hadn't used it in 16 years, I'd lost all but a couple phrases.

As the transaction was concluded, he brought up the war in Iraq. I knew I was treading on dangerous ground, but told him about Daniel, and how worried I am because of the recent ambush and kidnappings. His responses really made me look at this situation in a different light. He said that probably 90% of the Arab world (he was Egyptian by the way) was 100% on our side about the removal of Saddam and the termination of his regime. However, they want us to leave NOW. THEY feel like the US came in not to oust Saddam, but to stay, to make ourselves benefit from the rich Iraqi oilfields. He also said that his heart bled on September 11, but that he came to America because he desired to, he was lured by the freedoms and the promises. He said that he would love to stay here, but as soon as he makes enough money to pay his children's ways through university, he's going back "home" because he feels safer there. His eyes teared up as he talked about my great country. His love for his adopted country (he's a naturalized citizen by the way) was very evident to me.

Why do I mention this? Why do I think it deserves its own post on a blog that is really nothing more than a glorified diary of an ordinary redneck woman's life?

When the first bombs fell on Baghdad back in 2003, I looked at my husband, with tears in my eyes, and said "This is the worst mistake Bush will ever make." I spent 9 months in that region. I learned the language fluently enough that I was able to converse with civilians EVERYWHERE I went. I feel like I have a basic understanding of the culture and the mentality over there. I feel like we're in a war we can't win because its a Holy Jihad situation, and heck, who can compete with a gaggle of virgins at Allah's side?? I firmly believed that the resistance would never end, and pulling out now would be a huge mistake.

Part of me still feels that way. Another part of me now questions more than I did when I woke up this morning. This guy asked how I'd feel if a Muslim came into my neighborhood, killed the snakes that were infesting it, and then refused to leave, and tried to convert everyone to Islam? He said I'd be thrilled that the snakes were gone, but would resent being "encouraged" to change my religion, my culture, my daily life. You know what? He's sure as heck right. I never was convinced that Iraq could operate as a "true democracy"...but then America isn't a TRUE democracy.

This guy (I won't name him) and I talked for almost an hour, in between customers and while I swept and gathered the trash. I truly enjoyed the conversation. We talked about American fears, Arabic fears, the changes that have been made, and changes that probably should be made. He understands the need to secure our borders, and even for racial profiling. What he hates is the contempt and fear he's presented with on a daily basis. He doesn't hate America...but listening to our news and politicians, as well as the foreign media and political figures, he truly believes that America is in Iraq for...OIL. He thinks America will never leave, because of OIL. Oh I'm sure the oil plays a part...I'm not naive. If we leave however and the country falls into worse chaos, the oil prices WILL suffer. Iraq has a huge supply of the stuff. I do want to believe though that oil is not the only reason we're there.

He also said that we could pull out tomorrow, and a large percentage of the population fighting against us in Iraq WILL come here to continue the fight. That's the Holy Jihad part. He agreed that we're in a difficult situation. He appeared truly saddened by this fact.

This man has changed...something...in me today. I see a different element to the fighting...and its justified my thoughts that we're better off "fighting them over there than here at home." Its reinforced in my mind that this is truly a case of having no way out. Its no longer a case of "crazy Islamic extremists" in my mind...its more a case of hard-working, decent people trying to defend their "neighborhood" and their traditions and beliefs...in error, in my opinion, but when you look at what the media is putting out there, can you truly blame them for their misconceptions?

He sends money regularly, so I'm sure I'll see him again, and I look forward to the discussion. I'll continue to pray for our soldiers and the Iraq situation, and fervently pray that a "good" solution will become evident. I know that God does things in HIS time, not ours, and that there are reasons behind the events of the day. I endeavor to wait on Him...but it sure is hard to do for an impulsive, impatient crackpot like me :)

Its all good

2007-05-12T14:27:00.000-05:00

All is forgiven. Justin bought me the patio set to match the swing he bought me for my birthday. I really wasn't expecting it, but was wanting it, and he went and got it for me today! If I can find pictures I'm going to throw them up...we got the set from Wal-Mart but apparently it isn't available online so I'm having difficulty getting a good picture up.

My porch looks so nice now...well except for the deep freezer...but until we get a roof on the back porch, the freezer will remain on the front porch for now. We got it in February, and we put it on the porch since the last one went out fairly quickly when it was only slightly protected from the elements.

We're going to cookout tonight...and when we went to get the patio set, I bought a sprinkler too...Jared wasted no time "installing" it under the trampoline, and the kids are in their bathing suits, jumping on the trampoline in the sprinkler. Yes, its the poor man's swimming pool!

It's my own fault

2007-05-12T09:22:00.000-05:00

I know better...I really do. After 7 years together, I SHOULD know better at any rate. Its so hard to read Justin sometimes. If I try to plan something special, or specifically ask for something, he gets upset because I don't let him surprise me. If I'm subtle about it, then he misses the point completely, and gets upset because I expect him to be psychic.

I don't want to whine, or moan, or complain, I really don't. I have a great many things to be thankful for. But I've spent the morning in tears, and I need an outlet. I've locked myself in the bathroom, and later in my van, so I could cry without anyone seeing or hearing. I had myself a good old fashioned screaming crying jag out in the van because no one could hear me, and it did make me feel better. I've probably needed to really "lose" it for a very long time. I don't think I've LOST it since before my surgery and all that ordeal last year. I still didn't completely lose it, as the kids were jumping on the trampoline and Jared realized I was in the van and came over, so I had to dry it up fast. You know, I need to go off by myself I think and just scream for a while.

I have today and tomorrow off. I requested this weekend off way back at Christmas to ensure I'd get it. All week I've asked Justin what he'd like to do. I told him what *I* wanted to do and then dropped it at that so that I wouldn't be TELLING him what we were GOING to do since he hates that most of the time. Apparently this time, he wanted me to write it on a 2x4 and whack him upside the head with it. He's upset with me that he "failed" me and didn't plan anything. He got really upset when I told him that all week, I felt like he was being deliberately obtuse (I'm sure he has no good idea what that word means) about the weekend, and I felt like he was being that way in order to surprise me. BOY was I wrong. I told him in a nice way (for me) and he stormed off to the back of the trailer, saying "I had something for you Kandy, but its for YOU not everyone!" and I was starting to cook breakfast, and I just lost it, so I went out the back door, around the trailer, and got into my van and cried for a bit. Then I came back in and finished cooking (for them...they love French toast...I hate it) and realized he was scrubbing my tub. So now I know what he got me for Mother's Day. At least something from Bath and Body Works in the Moonlight Path scent since its my favorite. I'm sure its bubble bath, and maybe he got some shower gel for me too...who knows. I've been out of both for months and been using Walmart brands that I don't care for nearly as much. OK fine, I've asked and asked for it, so its good right?

Wrong. This is why I'm hating myself right now, and why I'm mad at him. My "gift" was the weekend off. I didn't want anything other than a card from him and the kids (and I had to TELL him to take the kids to buy cards for me yesterday). Mother's Day isn't a big day for me as far as gift-giving goes. Its just not a huge deal. Sure, I always try to get Mom something, and I always buy for Justin and Dad on Father's Day, but as far as *I* go, I just don't care too much. What I wanted this weekend was to spend the weekend with my family, but NOT at home. I wanted to get outside and do something. Set up the pool if its not leaking...go to Vicksburg...go to a water park...go to the beach. I hinted and hinted, and came right out and SAID what I wanted to do in Vicksburg. All to no avail. I didn't want a GIFT! I wanted...time.

So once again, Justin will do his laundry, and find something to do outside. When we were at Walmart last night, he made sure to buy a garden sprayer to work on the fence row. I'll sit inside and play on the computer a little, or go outside and lay on the swing and read. The kids will be off in their own little video game/DVD worlds. This is my fault. I don't have the energy to be creative around here, and I've been so depressed at home, I don't want to even try to be creative here at home. I wanted to go DO something. Nothing expensive...the trip to Vicksburg would have cost us gas and a loaf of bread and a bag of ice for the ice chest. I can't expect we'll go tomorrow because oh my, we just HAVE to go to church in the morning (not upset about that) and then we'll HAVE to have dinner at his mother's house. If I cook here, it'll upset her immensely...and she does help us out a ton by keeping Bekah for us.

I really didn't want to post anything sad or angry anytime soon...but I'm having a very bad day...and it really is my own fault.

Tattoos

2007-05-10T21:03:00.000-05:00

So I want a tattoo. Justin is livid. I've never *really* wanted a tattoo before. Since the surgeries last year though, I've really hated the way my scar looks. No one is ever going to SEE my scar except for doctors. Why NOT get a tattoo across it? I'm thinking of a dragon. I like dragons. Plus, I've heard that dragons are for protection. I definitely could use some added protection ;) I can't find a good picture that I like though. It'd have to be something PERFECT...something that I wouldn't regret the next day. I'm thinking purples and green...but I can be flexible.

To be honest, its probably just window shopping. Most likely I'd never be brave enough to actually do it...not to mention, I'm not even sure that tattooing over a scar like mine would be even possible.

I'm 37 years old and contemplating my first tattoo. Maybe its an early mid-life crisis type thing?

Being a Mama

2007-05-09T19:22:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a bit of a rough day. I can't really go into detail about it, but I witnessed something I'd hoped not to see this summer. Two mothers left an infant and a toddler in a car, with the windows rolled up, doors locked, while they shopped for at LEAST an hour that we know of. They took an older child into the store with them. These babies were defenseless. Thankfully they're going to be ok, and the police took care of the negligent mamas.

Mother's Day is this weekend. I love my three children desperately. I can't imagine doing something that would hurt them, possibly kill them, yet so many people do. A child is the most precious gift we as mothers are given. We're BLESSED when we hold our baby for the first time, hear that first cry...see their first smile, their first steps, hear their first words. I don't understand how anyone could look at the child they've just given birth to, and doubt the existence of God and of miracles.

Motherhood is the most wonderful thing I've ever experienced. As I watch these little wonders grow and change daily before my very eyes, I'm continually reminded of the responsibility I bear, and the great joys that are yet to come.

I wish I could wax poetic and make some profound comments that would make you who read this stop, shake your head, and say "WOW..." Well...I can't. I'm not that good. I wish I could say I'm better in real life, but hey...I'm not that either LOL. All I know is that I love my children more than myself, and I had to keep checking them all night last night. Do moms ever stop getting up during the night to tuck their babies in and plant a soft kiss on their cheeks? I sure hope not.

Bittersweet

2007-05-07T11:46:00.000-05:00

Its times like today that I realize how incredibly fortunate I am to be not only a mother, but a mother to three beautiful, incredible kids.

MIL (mother in law) had Bekah for me this morning so I could try to sleep a little late...I picked her up a little while ago, and we drove into town to Sonic, where she proceeded to tell me exactly what she wanted to eat. We listed to the Phantom of the Opera movie soundtrack all the way into town. I had it in the CD player from working Saturday, and she didn't want me to put Jonah in, she wanted to listen to Phantom. The kid is definitely my child :)

We're home now, and she's on her pallet I made her in front of the TV, about to watch Happily Never After, and take her nap. She told me she was ready for her nap. She got out of the van all by herself and shut the door all by herself. She helped me make her pallet. She took her own shoes off and put them up. She hasn't stopped hugging and kissing me since I picked her up.

This is my baby...my youngest. She'll be 5 all too soon. Its bittersweet because she's my last...and it seems like she's growing up on me overnight. I'm watching her little personality grow and develop, and it just amazes me that I've had anything to do with these three amazing individuals.

Jared is 13 now. He's growing and changing before my eyes. He's still really small for his age, but he's growing in other ways. Its a real pleasure to sit and just TALK to him.

Katie is 11. Her little body is getting WAY too curvy for my comfort. Her bras are already larger than mine were as a senior in high school. She's BARELY taller than Jared now, but taller nonetheless...a fact she constantly reminds him of. She's also so smart it literally scares me.

Where did the time go? It seems like yesterday I was holding each of these tiny little babies in my arms, and now I can't pick them up.

My prayer is that I'm able to be a good influence on their lives, and that they grow up to be happy and successful in every endeavor. I'm grateful to still have the opportunity to watch them grow and develop. I'm so truly blessed...and when I think about my recent miscarriage and other troubles I can just look at Jared, Katie, and Rebekah and know that all is just as it should be.

From the mouths of babes...

2007-05-06T20:50:00.000-05:00

So I'm laying here on the bed, watching the SNL special that's on NBC tonight, and Jared goes to my bathroom to get q-tips and nail clippers. Adam Sandler is on the TV, and this is the conversation that ensues:

Jared: How old is Adam Sandler?
Me: Not sure, around my age I think.
J: 36?
M: I'm 37 son.
J: You look 36.
M: Dang son, you're SUPPOSED to say 29 or something!
J: You don't look THAT young!
M: You are GROUNDED for a MONTH!
J: Seriously Mama, you don't look any older than 30! You just don't look 29 is all!
M: Keep digging, keep digging.
J: Aw crap.

My firstborn son loves me sooooo much ...

ENOUGH of the Bad Times!

2007-05-06T10:14:00.000-05:00

I was looking at my list of posts and realized that I have 36 (this makes 37) posts, and of that number, SEVENTEEN of them are labeled Bad Times. My life is NOT all pain and gloom and doom. OK well its not all gloom and doom anyway. I realized I tend to journal (and thus, blog) more when I'm hurting emotionally, but I need to journal when I'm not hurting as well. The "Hot pink robe and a dirt road" post for instance. That was a funny experience. I have fun/funny experiences all the time. I just need to remind myself to blog about them.

For instance, yesterday was Cinqo (spelling?) de Mayo...and we have a huge Mexican population in our area, so Wal-Mart had a lot of decorations and specialty items for it. Now apparently, Friday night, after I left, a very intoxicated Mexican decided he really wanted to celebrate early. He came running out of the bathroom singing something (another worker said she thought it was the Mexican National Anthem) at the top of his lungs and ran throughout the whole store...stark naked. Ya know, I would have loved to have seen the managers and CSMs and on-duty cop trying to catch him. Where exactly does one "grab" a naked drunk? He was finally cornered back in the garden center. I'm not sure what happened after that. I'm sad that I missed it.

I'm also making progress on the pain front. I got a notice in the mail that my surgeon was as good as his word, and got an appointment for me with a pain specialist at Ochsner. With any luck, I'll have a resolution or at least an improvement with my pain issues very soon.

OK I'm going to get very crude here and say something with a bad word, but I have to share this. When I went to Ochsner last week for my 3 month check up, it took 7 sticks to get an IV and 3 small vials of blood. I started tearing up after the first one, and the whole thing was just really emotional. During the process, the tech asked if I'd ever done drugs, because my veins were in such bad shape. I got sooo mad and explained, not very nicely, that I'd almost died from cancer and THAT was why my veins were shot, that I'd never so much as smoked pot thank you very much. My friend Jer said I should have asked her "Have you ever been a man in prison? Because your ass is flapping." I laughed SOOO hard. I swear, I'm going to remember that one. Yeah its crude and nasty but omg its hilarious, because its true. When people say idiotic, hurtful things like that, they ARE talking out of their ass, not their mouths. It made me feel better to know I have a good comeback now :)

I'm off work today and tomorrow. I'm going to make the most of it. Its probably the last time I'll have Sunday and Monday off since I opened up my availability, but its all good. Once the schedule starts rolling out, and I see how the trend is going to be for Money Center and Customer Service, I'm going to talk to Michelle about having my days off be together if at all possible. I need those two days together to recuperate. Having your days off spread out make it really hard to feel rested...it feels like you work all the time. I don't think it'll be a problem at all. I hope it isn't anyway!

So anyway. Enough bad times. I can do this. I'll especially be able to do this once I get back on my meds...which hopefully will be soon. In the meantime, I'll just keep plugging away :)

Definitely a YAY :)

2007-05-03T21:10:00.000-05:00

Today I was told that Michelle wanted me to go to personnel and update my career preferences to include Money Center and Customer Service, so I did. After I did that, I was told that its official...I'm going to be full-time over there. I asked which one, and was told that since I'm one of the very few people who are "proficient" in both areas, that they're going to be using me in both. Hey, no problem, it'll keep me from getting bored. I'd better have an equal split of days and nights though. Its not going to be at ALL fair if I end up closing all the time. I'll deal with it of course, but that doesn't mean I'll like it.

So anyway. That's a great thing :) Next week I have 2 days scheduled in Customer Service, and I'm hoping that I can swing it to work in MC the other 3 days. If not, I'll deal with it. I like being a cashier anyway, and won't mind doing it once in a while. OH I'm so excited!! This is definitely a step in the right direction!!

Maybe a YAY

2007-05-02T18:04:00.000-05:00

I was in Money Center yesterday and again today. I'm supposed to be there tomorrow but I can't close (I have to go back to the doctor tomorrow afternoon). They also changed my schedule for the week after next so that I'm in MC most of the week. I really campaigned yesterday for full-time MC or a split between MC and CS, and today Carol (CSM) told me she thought Michelle (assistant manager in charge of the Front End) was going to make it permanent. Later today, Mary (floral manager) told me she'd asked Michelle this morning if she could have me again this week and next, since Mother's Day is coming up, and Michelle told her no, because I was being moved up to Money Center. Please please please let it be permanent!!! If I didn't have to worry about overdoing it physically every day, my life would be so much simpler...and in Money Center, there's NO heavy lifting whatsoever.

So maybe this is a yay :)

And thus it begins again...

2007-04-30T12:28:00.000-05:00

The blog that is. I'm determined to do better. You can blame work, stress, World of Warcraft, whatever, but I'm determined to get this thing going again. It really was helping to express my thoughts. I can't really say vocalize since I'm not "talking" here but anyway, you get my drift.

What's going on. Lets see. Dad almost died a couple weeks ago. I had a surprise pregnancy and a not-such-a-surprise miscarriage a couple weeks later. I go to the doctor this week (again) and we'll discuss hysterectomy. Not sure if I'm going to go through with it or not. I WANT to be able to not have to worry about going through this crap yet again, but at the same time, its incredibly sad.

Oh Dad. He went in for some biopsies of his prostate, and got a really serious bacterial infection. He got septic and was in ICU for almost a week. Of course, during all this time, the prison didn't let anyone know what was going on because of security reasons. They're moving him to the camp soon, which doesn't even have a fence and only one guard at a time, and they couldn't even let us know he was in the hospital, ALONE, fighting for his life. GAH. I talked to him yesterday and he seemed to be in good spirits and sounded well, so I'm praying he'll be ok. He said the doctors said it'd be months before he regains his strength, and currently he's still in a wheelchair.

Work is going well. I'm being rotated between Customer Service and cashiering, and Saturday I was working Money Center too because Elaine got fired. I'm hoping that I can either go full-time MC, full-time CS, or a combination of the two, and just go cashier when they're really backed up. Yep, the pain is once again an issue.

I'm really getting worn down. I want to crawl into a hole and hide most days, but I somehow manage to keep plugging along. I have one hell of a husband. Not many men would put up with this.

Jared tried to kill himself at school earlier this month. He spent almost a week in Pine Grove and is on meds and in therapy now. Unfortunately, his dad is probably going to fight me on custody. He's pushing for him to come live with him, and for him to come out for the entire summer, but I'm not willing to agree to that. For one thing, he needs to be in therapy and not get uprooted from that while he's making progress. For another, its not fair to ME to not get to see him when he's not in school. I rarely get the "fun times" with the kids...Blane does. He gets to be the fun parent, because of course the kids behave with him...they rarely get to see him. Justin and I have to be the disciplinarians, and that's never any fun.

Off to make "Belle" take her nap. I guess I'll let her nap in her costume if she wants...anything to get her to sleep, right?

Dark times?

2007-03-24T20:58:00.000-05:00

I'm having a rough go of it lately. Where to start?

I was asked to consider CSM (Customer Service Manager) at work. I was told I was a virtual shoe-in for the position. I had SEVERAL CSM's recommend me as their pick. I was not chosen...Daniel was. Now, I'm happy for Daniel...he's going to be a really good CSM. He's kind, he's smart, he's patient and considerate to the customers, even the hard to deal with ones, and while he gets along with darned near everyone, he isn't "buddy buddy" like some of the CSM's are. He's going to do really well. I was told I wasn't picked because I don't have open availability. They also want to move me over to the Customer Service desk, but again, I don't have open availability, so I told them I'd think about it and see what I could do with the availability issue.

I'm actually somewhat relieved. Yes, I DID want it...I DO want it...but I prayed that God would show me...and he did. I'm really really stressed out, and sliding down again, and the last thing I need is the stress of a new position, management at that. I LOVE my job and don't want to lose it or do anything to mess it up like I do so often due to the bipolar crap. Right now, just about everyone loves me, literally...I'm not just saying that to make myself look good. I feel HAPPY at work...I'm well-liked, everyone wants to work with me whenever we do anything in pairs/groups...oh that feels so good and gives me a MUCH needed boost.

I'm feeling though...ragged out. The pain has gotten better lately actually...I'm not even having to take Tylenol PM to sleep most nights. Oh its still there, don't get me wrong, but either I'm dealing with it better or its lessened a lot. However, 3-4 nights a week I'm in terrible pain...but that's an improvement from 7 nights a week. Tonight for instance...I'm on percoset, phenergen, and Tylenol PM. I had no choice. I got up and went to the bathroom, and emptying my bladder caused that terrible pain behind my incision again...I don't understand it...if anything it should LESSEN pain because its not pushing on anything when its empty, but instead, it always makes it worse. I started crying it hurt so bad. For a solid hour, whenever I got up and had to walk, I had to do it completely bent over at the waist because if I straightened up I wanted to scream from the pain.

THIS kind of pain is what gets to me. I'm sick and TIRED of saying "I'm in terrible pain, please do something about it" every time I go to the doctor. I'm sick and tired of hearing "I don't know what to tell you..." from the doctors. I've had a couple recommendations for a pain clinic and pain specialist, but the doctors recommending were supposed to also get an appointment for me, and that hasn't happened yet. Not only that, every time I've remembered to call myself, I haven't been able to due to working...and then when I remember again its too late or the weekend or whatever.

I haven't cried for Dick yet. I haven't cried for Mamaw yet. I feel like the absolute worst person in the world. I loved Dick...I was crazy about him. I miss being able to call him and ask advice on some theological point...or seeing a history show on TV and being able to call him and tell him its on so we can "watch" it together over the phone. I miss hearing him teach his classes (Sunday School and special religious study groups). He was THERE for me in the hospital last year. He was THERE when Bekah was born, and was soooo proud. He was there for me when Mom would have one of her ... well, she'd need to vent and I was her target. She honestly had no idea how she treats those of us she loves...and we forgive her because ... if I needed a kidney, Mom would give me hers. If I needed a lung, Mom would give me hers. If I needed a HEART, Mom would give me hers if she could find a doctor to do it. She would do anything for anyone that she loves, and anything in her power for just about anyone regardless of how well she knows them. She's one of the best people I know...she just has a real issue with anxiety and stress.

Digressing from Dick...I'm terrified for Mom. She has ... crap must be the drugs, I can't remember the name, but her heart is NOT in good shape. She's collecting fluid, and has to take a nitro pill more times than I'm comfortable with. She's under a terrible amount of stress, and...oh God I can't lose her...not now. She took care of me in the hospital...massaged my feet and legs for hours when the meds and such gave me terrible cramps...bathed me...shaved my legs...brushed my hair...sang to me...cheered me up...PRAYED WITH ME and for me. She saved my life...I know I almost died the night I had my "vision" in the hospital, and she prayed with me and helped me get saved again. No matter what anyone thinks, I believe I would have died that night if I hadn't turned to God.

Mamaw. I'm the worst granddaughter in the world. I'll post more on that later. I'm too exhausted now. Jared came in and we talked for 35 min and now the drugs are kicking my butt.

Mamaw...

2007-03-14T00:59:00.000-05:00

Mamaw died Monday, March 12, sometime before dawn.

As for how I'm feeling right now...I'm just going to cut and paste from a post on my board earlier...

Every time I've started to "lose it"...I've been interrupted. Tonight Justin started snoring while I was talking about Mamaw so I rolled over to sleep, and started to sob...shoulders shaking, pulling my hair, but not making any sound...and it woke him up and he held me and told me to let it out and I took a deep breath and STARTED to...and his mom called (10:24 mind you). I immediately dried up. So now I'm talking to Mom on the phone and I just...I...heck. I guess I'm in shock or something. I was expecting it...I'm relieved...she told me she never dated (after Papaw died) because she'd loved greatly and why settle for anything less...so I know she's with Papaw and happy and picking at Dick and Jay (my two stepdads) and holding her babies again (Billy Wayne and Freddy)...and I know I'm grieving for me...but God this sucks!

Jared is talking to Mom on the phone now...he sprained his wrist playing outside with some of the cousins this evening...and I'm trying to hold it together because he's been crying off and on since yesterday...but I just want to crawl into a hole somewhere.

I don't think I'm going to say anything at the funeral...I'm not sure what to say anyway...and I have a feeling I'd choke up too much. I'd like to sing for her, but I'm not sure that I can. The tulips Karan and I bought for her are gorgeous...and we're going to plant the bulbs on her grave, and that would please her. Maybe I'll ask Carol to send me some more bulbs from Holland (she can get some cheap that are outrageous here).

I'm rambling. I've been awake for close to 48 hours...lets see...42 hours now. Mamaw was THE most important person in my life growing up...and I want to slap all my cousins and uncles and aunts so much. Well not my cousin Chan or my uncle David...they were with Mom and me a lot as far as visiting/taking care of Mamaw...but the rest of them can take a flying leap for all I care. Tonight they were saying she didn't look like herself...well no, she's been embalmed, was wearing makeup for the first time in her life, but she was so beautiful to me...and I finally had enough and snapped "Well if you'd bothered to visit her at all in the last 2 years you'd see how beautiful she looks, and that it DOES look like her because this is how she was looking lately!!" and I had to just walk out of the funeral home and sit down on the grass and stare at the sky so I wouldn't cry or scream.

I knew it was going to hurt...I knew it was going to suck. I told Justin that Mamaw never did anything bad...she was a genuinely good person through and through, and if this happening to her was a punishment for something she did wrong earlier in life, then I'm SCREWED. Then I said that she didn't have to know Daddy or Uncle Charles (her oldest child) were in prison, or that Dick had died, so maybe it was a blessing...but oh man. Mrs. McGilberry, her roommate, heard her struggling for breath and got up and called the nurses but they didn't come in, and she held Mamaw's hand until she stopped breathing...she said she never woke up so we know it was peaceful at least.

I miss you so much Mamaw...now more than ever...but I'm praying that you and Papaw and Billy Wayne and Freddy and Jay and Dick and your brother and sisters and your parents...I pray you're all having a grand reunion up in Heaven right now...

Has it really been over a month??

2006-12-18T08:06:00.000-06:00

Wow how time flies when you're having fun...and when you're not having fun...

The job is going well. It was really hard at first, getting my body used to working again, but I'm into the swing of things now and for the most part I enjoy my job. The people are nice and I've done very well fitting in and exceeding expectations :)

Dick, my stepdad, died suddenly last week...Wednesday, December 6th. None of us were expecting it, and Mom is still somewhat in a state of shock I think. She's holding up well but worried and anxious about the future. I think she's going to pull through just fine...she's the Minister of Music at the church that she and Dick were helping to found, and that has really served to help her keep busy.

I miss Dick. When I was so sick in March and April, all I had to do was ask Mom to call Dick and tell him I wanted him there for my next surgery, and he'd be down within a couple hours, spending the night on that uncomfortable little couch in my hospital room. He was a truly righteous man, and I know he's in Heaven now...but we miss him so much :( His funeral was beautiful...full military honors.

I'm getting over the flu...apparently I got it from someone at the funeral. I'm proud though, I didn't miss a single day of work, even though I haven't been able to speak above a whisper since Thursday night lol. I took Bekah to the doctor Monday, and she confirmed that we both had the flu. Thank God for Tamiflu.

That's basically all I've been doing...I go to work, come home, sleep, go to work, come home, sleep...you get the picture. I was able to buy Christmas for Justin and the kids and I'm so happy about that. Justin is stressing because he has 3 presents under the tree from me and doesn't have a clue what to get me, nor does he think he'll have the money. I've hinted around at what I'd like...one of the massage cushions like his Mom has...a new Betty Crocker cookbook (mine is 7-9 years old and I need a new one)...Bath and Body Works gift set (Moonlight Path, my favorite scent). I'm not hard to please...there's nothing I really need, and nothing I really WANT all that badly. I just want my family to enjoy their Christmas...

So anyway...I'll try to keep up with this better now that I'm doing well at work and feel like I can have a life again :)

I got a job!!!

2006-11-11T20:21:00.000-06:00

Yippee! I was so stressing over finances Wednesday, and that evening I got a call from Walmart wanting me to come interview. I went Thursday, and even though the experience itself was a nightmare (I don't even want to get into it, but it took over 4 hours!), they offered me $9.20 an hour to cashier. That's INSANE money down here. I go for orientation next Friday. They wanted me Tuesday but I have an appointment with my surgeon on Tuesday that I can't change.

SO now I'll be able to buy Christmas for my kids. I'm not going to be making a huge amount of money after gas, taxes, and tithes, but any extra will help, not to mention the discount will also help.

I'm excited :)

What a slacker!!!

2006-11-07T14:18:00.000-06:00

I've been slacking. I admit it. I've thought several times about blogging over the past couple weeks, but I just didn't feel "up to it." Likely excuse...the fact is I've been in a funk and didn't want to just blog about poor pitiful me. Although I'm not the only one who's been slacking on the blog *coughTenacough*!

Justin had a bit of a nervous breakdown the other night...terrified the heck out of me. He was nasty to me quite a bit, and it really hurt because he never realized he was doing it. Its so out of character for him. Finances just suck...we're in a real bind.

What hurt most was seeing him lose it a bit. He is my rock...my foundation. He keeps me stable...when I'm having wild mood swings or feeling like I want to cut again, he's always there for me, always stabilizing me. Suddenly HE needed something, and I couldn't give it because I was feeling so lost myself.

We got through it and are doing better. We've made some changes financially in our lives...we're cutting back to one cellphone...we cut the satellite off and put up a tv antenna (that doesn't work half the time for some reason even though its a brand new 120-mile antenna). We're pulling Bekah out of daycare, and I cried most of the day yesterday about it. Even Justin was upset after he talked to them about it and they were SO understanding. My mother in law will keep her and "teach" her...she's delayed with her language and understanding, and daycare has really helped her by leaps and bounds, but with me not working, it just isn't an option anymore. MIL is insisting on having her in the mornings until at least after lunch each day...I'm not real sure how I feel about that, because I'll have to go pick her up, and I just haven't felt up to dealing with MIL the past few weeks. She's a good person...we just kind of clash with our ideas and such.

I've been having another health issue the past few days...but don't want to get into it here, if ever lol. Its one of those TMI situations that I just don't want to deal with. My sleep schedule is out of whack too, and I need to get back onto a decent schedule.

I'm feeling really guilty about sitting out of church the past few weeks too. I've been feeling so rotten and having so much pain, and I've been using it as an excuse. I need to get back to God...I've been feeling distant from Him lately and that's part of my problem.

So. I'm a slacker. I really gotta fix that. OH and I'm honest enough to admit that PART of the reason I've been slacking is that I've been spending a LOT of time playing WoW. Last night and this morning though I just couldn't get into playing...so the blahs and slacking have spread over even into that. I need to get motivated and get out and do something. I need to go back to work. I need to do SOMETHING. I really want to feel better, and soon. So it's time I did something about it.

Almost 5 years...

2006-10-24T12:34:00.000-05:00

Almost 5 years. Five years of what, you might ask? Five years of being part of a community that has come to mean so much to me. On February 1, 2002, we conceived our little Bekah Boo. I found out on February 27...my 32nd birthday. I was so excited, and the first thing I did was go onto Parents Place at iVillage and find the October 2002 Expecting Club and introduce myself.

The board was so full of drama I almost left a few times, but I stuck it out. You put a couple hundred pregnant, hormonal women together, and there's bound to be SOME drama. Oh the times we had...

We went through a rough time with people leaving because they hated the new board format that iVillage switched to in March 2003. I hated it too but I stuck it out as long as I could. Finally, when I saw that there was no way we were going to be able to maintain our wonderful core group, I went to ezboard and created the board there, and we've been together on it ever since.

I've had disagreements with some of the members, and I've cried with some of the members. I've met a very few of them and treasured the meeting. I've talked with quite a few on the phone. I've agonized and sympathized. And I was stunned at the outpouring of love and support, not to mention the PRAYERS, that I was blessed with when I was in the hospital for 45 days and battling cancer and fighting for my life. Knowing I had so many people praying for me and supporting me meant the world to me and I KNOW it helped me make it through.

I find myself thinking back to a time before I was pregnant with Bekah, before I found this wonderful community of ladies, and it just stuns me. I feel like we've been together forever...my best friends are on this board, though I doubt they realize I look at them that way.

God blessed me when He gave Bekah to me...and He blessed me when He helped me find my board.

A great night last night!

2006-10-21T09:29:00.000-05:00

Last night was a good night...I gave in and took a darvocet. Then I felt nauseated and was trying not to throw up, so I took a phenergen. A couple hours later I took another darvocet (I can have 2 every 6 hours). Finally around 11p.m. I lay down to try to sleep, and I slept all night. I woke up hurting, but the pain was alleviated for most of the night, and that's a good thing. My doctor's nurse was adamant yesterday that I should take the pills when I'm hurting, so that's one reason I gave in.

I had to turn the heat on this morning...fall is finally here. We had a cold front move through last night. Personally I don't need the heat, but Bekah does. I don't want my baby getting sick. I like the cooler weather though. Its always such a relief.

Justin and his dad are picking up the tin for our porch roof this morning. I'm SO excited about having a real roof up there instead of a tarp. He'll probably be working all today on getting it installed, but that's ok. My porch will officially be FINISHED!!!

Happy Birthday to my Baby

2006-10-20T02:40:00.000-05:00

Today my "baby" turns 4 years old. Technically it's about 7 hours from now, but who wants to be technical! I'm thrilled that she's such a big girl, but sad too because she's my last child. Still, she was a miracle to begin with, and we've been so blessed to have her.

We had her birthday party last night. There was a strong Dora theme...all but one of her presents was Dora of some sort lol. She had a Dora cake, Dora cups, plates and napkins, and Dora is sleeping in her bed with her right now.

Happy birthday Rebekah Karan...know that you are greatly loved by us all :)

It gets old!

2006-10-16T16:51:00.000-05:00

Pain that is...I was doing better today, although woozy a lot when I got up this morning so I went back to bed until around 10:30 and the wooziness wasn't nearly as bad when I got up then. I've taken it easy today, trying to make sure I don't overdo it. I fixed the chicken and rice (for supper) at 3:30 and covered it and left it on the stove to put in later (it takes an hour and a half total cook time). At 4:30 I got up, went in, put the dish in the oven, and was about to fry up the bacon for the green beans when the pain hit me with a vengeance. I doubled over and hollered "OH" before I could stop myself, and Jared dropped his book and came running. I hate that I did that in front of him. He's my kid, not my doctor or my servant, and I hate worrying him. Long story a tad bit shorter, HE fried up the bacon for me. All I did was add the green beans and water.

Still...supper is in progress and its ok for me to take it easy right now. I'll get up in about 20 minutes and make the biscuits and put those in to bake when I take the tin foil off the chicken and rice. Then the family will be taken care of and I can rest easier. Thank goodness I planned an easy supper tonight!

I'm afraid I'm in a rut with my health. I was doing and feeling so much better, and all of September and October I've been in and out of hospitals and doctors' offices. I THINK I'm better, but you couldn't tell it by my symptoms. The worst is this chronic pain. I've heard of people having chronic pain, but never thought it'd happen to me. I'm not even sure if this is what's wrong with me...all I know is that I hurt all the time and its REALLY affecting my moods. Try being bipolar and dealing with those issues and then have constant, nagging pain thrown in on top of that!

I want to wrestle with my kids again. I want to jump on the trampoline with them again. I want to PLAY with them. This isn't just robbing me, its robbing my children and that pisses me off more than anything else.

PAIN!

2006-10-14T19:04:00.000-05:00

I'm sick and tired of hurting. August was great, I was in no pain for a while. Now the pain is back and no one can explain why. My surgeon back in March told me that you could do a hundred needle biopsies and have them all come back negative and completely miss the cancer, so I'm feeling a little down about that as well.

My guts are all in the wrong place, as are the rest of my organs. My liver regrew weird and its caused everything to be pushed around and I actually have a partially collapsed right lung because of all of it. I guess that explains the shortness of breath.

People have commented on my cheerful, positive attitude through all of this. I'm not feeling so cheerful or positive today. I'm tired of the doctors getting EXCITED when they review my case, and then they proclaim me to be a "unique" case. I can see them mentally rubbing their hands together in glee because they get to experiment with something new.

I'm disgusted by it all, and even more so by my attitude today. I don't like being this way...I feel mean and petty and that pisses me off even more. UGH.

Long time no posting...

2006-10-13T20:07:00.000-05:00

Wow...its been almost a month since I blogged. A lot has happened...and yet not much has changed. I've been in and out of the hospitals in Hattiesburg and New Orleans, and I feel pretty despondent about a lot of it.

Good news...I had another liver biopsy and it was negative. Cancer is gone for good I hope and pray, but there's always the chance of a recurrence, so I have to be vigilant.

I think I'm addicted to IV drugs. I'm not sure but I think I am. In the hospital I could have as much as I wanted (with time restraints of course) and I got all that I could. I have the same drugs here at home and I never touch them, but it really disturbs me how I hit the drugs in the hospital. I don't want to have an addiction, but I know I have an addictive personality. My paternal grandmother was addicted to every pain killer she could get her hands on. That's one reason I've always been hesitant to use pain killers. However lately I find myself hitting them every time I'm in the hospital. Maybe its because I've been in so much pain so often lately...I pray that's the reason. I have hope because I HAVEN'T touched the pain killers that I have here at home. I keep the bottles where I see them every day...its almost like a badge of honor for me to see them constantly but not use them.

Maybe I'm just messed up...there's a good reason LOL.

BLAH day!

2006-09-24T17:59:00.000-05:00

Today is a blah day. It started out well enough...I woke up with much less pain than I'd had all weekend. I was able to get up, shower, and get ready for church. It was nice getting back into church today, although I was hurting again before the sermon was half over. I spent the weekend drugged up because of the pain, so I slept most of the weekend away. I've fought sleep all afternoon because I'm hoping for a restful sleep tonight if possible.

Why did the pain come back? Is it something embarrassingly simple, like gas? Probably. Of course, AF was over a week late again (she arrived last night with no fanfare however), and AF being late and then disappearing was my first real "symptom" of my liver cancer. So who knows what's really going on? All I know is that I hurt, I have no answers, and I'm crabby because of it. My feelings are easily bruised, I'm fighting urges to cut myself again, and I just want to SLEEP and keep sleeping, but people wake me up constantly.

Today has actually been good sleeping weather...its been rainy and thunderstorming off and on all day...its overcast...its just great sleeping weather. I wish I could have taken advantage of it!

WoW (World of Warcraft)

2006-09-21T08:44:00.000-05:00

The same friend who cursed me with my Neopets addiction also convinced me that WoW is a really great game...I finally got it (before my old laptop fried) but today is the first time in over 2 weeks of owning the game that I've gotten to play it. My free trial was only for 30 days, so I have less than 2 weeks to figure out if I want to continue to play. The problem is money...I have a new laptop to pay for and sadly enough I doubt if I can afford the $15 a month to play.

So far its a fun game. I made a human priest on Wildhammer server named Khandei (cute huh?), and I also have a gnome mage on Onyxia server named Rinandra (I let the game pick the name). I haven't gotten to play Khandei yet because the server went down for patching as I was logging in, but I've spent about an hour playing Rinandra, and so far I really like it. Its very similar to EverQuest but of course since I don't know how to do much yet its still a bit confusing. If I continue with it, I'll be making a binder (or several) like I did with EQ...maps, equipment, quests, etc. Its simpler than EQ, but the graphics are truly awesome. Maybe its my new laptop that make the graphics seem awesome...either way it looks great :lol

The only real downside I can see right now is money. I'll have to figure that one out if I decide to keep playing. Speaking of money...Movie Gallery is hiring...its only minimum wage but I could work while the kids are in school, have free rentals, and make a little spending money...so I may put in my application. I really hate to work for minimum wage...but its hard to find a job paying more with flexible hours I suppose.

Off to frag some more troggs ;-)

Ups and Downs

2006-09-20T20:53:00.000-05:00

Ups and downs. Life is full of them. So why is it that when I have a day full of mostly ups, I can only remember the downs? Only the downs really affect me...

Today I went back to the doctor to find out about the new mass in my liver. Great news...its gone...all my labs looked great...he doesn't want to see me until December. That's just awesome right?

Then a friend was having a bad day...I teased her and she called me a fucker. True, it was probably an attempt at humor because she was really having a rough go of it, but it just totally rubbed me the wrong way. I'm letting it go because I know I'M not right at the moment, and I need to just back away. But it did hurt.

Enough of that. I have a new Dell. It came yesterday. Its awesome but HUGE and heavy. What did I expect...I ordered it as a desktop replacement and loaded the sucker out. The Sims 2 runs awesomely on it...and I think WoW will too as soon as I finish patching it (only about 20 hours to go lmao). I can't wait to play WoW. I had a 30 day free trial and its over half over and I have YET to get to play *sigh* So anyway, I have this awesome new laptop and I feel too guilty to enjoy it. What's up with that? I know pride is a sin, and I can't help but feel a bit proud over it. Maybe that's the problem?

I spent some time in the College library this afternoon. There's a free wireless high speed connection, and I was using it to patch WoW. I wanted to look busy so I grabbed a history book off a nearby shelf and started "taking notes" out of it. I ended up taking an entire page of notes on the history of Alaska because I got engrossed in it. I want to go back to school SO BAD. But honestly...I'm not going to have a full-time job outside of the home anymore. Justin is IT. I'll never leave him and we're going to be together forever. Having gone through a divorce and quite a few rough patches with Justin, I can say this honestly. The only outside work I'll be doing will be just to keep me sane and maybe for a little extra money. So what good would going back to school do me? It'd just be a waste of money. It'd feel so good to have my degree though...something related to history and archaeology...that's why I think anthropology would be right up my alley!

Anyway...just a pipe dream...

9-11

2006-09-13T22:01:00.000-05:00

I think I'm the weird American. Remembering 9-11 doesn't make me tear up. I'm not afraid to fly or travel on 9-11. Its just another date to me now, 5 years later. Am I a bad person? I sure hope not.

I haven't forgotten...far from it. But I'm not going to be fake and act all touched or upset over the date. It didn't directly affect me. I watched it all...it was so shocking...and I cried a little at the time. I think some of the security precautions implemented since then just make good plain sense.

I think remembering the date, honoring the fallen, is fine. But I wonder if too much emphasis has been placed on it. I feel like getting all emotional or vigilant on 9-11 isn't productive. Why can't we be emotional and vigilant the rest of the year? Are terrorists really going to strike again on another 9-11? Only they know when and where they'll strike next...which is why we should worry less about the date and more about our security in general.

I suppose 9-11 will forever be a rallying cry, much like "Remember the Alamo!" was. I will never forget where I was or what I was doing that day...but I don't think about it ONLY on 9-11 or around this time of year...I think of it any time I pass an airport or think of flying somewhere. I pay more attention now to those around me. AND I think I'm rambling now since my meds are kicking in and I'm drowsy.

So...more on a later date.

A New Dell!!!

2006-09-13T08:22:00.001-05:00

Woo hoo! I ordered a new Dell last night...it should be here on September 21 if all goes well. I can NOT wait! The auto/air adapter won't ship until October 4 though...what's up with THAT?

So specs...its an Inspiron...dual processors, 2GB memory, 120GB hard drive, 256mg video card, 17" reallllllly nice widescreen display...all in all its a fully loaded, very nice laptop. I can't wait until it gets here...but a little part of me is hoping Justin can fix my old laptop when he gets home. I'd love the new laptop (and it may be too late to cancel it) but I hate to see my old laptop just get thrown away. Sentimental I suppose...

Mom took Bekah to daycare for me today...she's staying with me while Justin is in Houston. We've been pretty busy the past couple days...its really helped me a lot. I've been so down and depressed that I've needed the distraction.

Had a worrisome doctor visit yesterday...I think that I'll post about that later...I'm not feeling up to it right now and I'm pretty sleepy too!

Sleepless Somewhere in America...

2006-09-12T02:08:00.000-05:00

I know there are others out there like me. Somewhere, there are people hunched in the dark over a glowing monitor, trying desperately to pass time until their body gives out and they pass out from sheer exhaustion. I've been sleeping so well lately, but tonight...well I've given up.

My laptop went FIZZZT today at some point. I got home around 6 p.m. and it wouldn't turn on and smelled funny. The desktop has seen better days. We can't afford a new computer or laptop, and I'm on borrowed time (literally) right now in regards to PC's. I'm freaking out a little because the computer and internet are literally a lifeline for me. We'll see how this experiment ends I suppose.

Bekah is asleep in my bed right now. She's so sweet. Tonight Justin sang to her when she went to bed (over the phone) and she grinned from ear to ear, and kissed and hugged the phone. Taking her to and from school this week is a challenge, but we'll manage. She's doing so well we don't want her to fall behind. I just hope I can stay awake for the drive!

I'm going to try to get some sleep...probably won't happen. I had several things I wanted to blog about tonight but danged if they didn't just slip right on our of my mind. Oh well. At least I have a mind, slippery though it may be at times :)

OUCH!

2006-09-09T14:53:00.000-05:00

I'm so smart I amaze myself sometimes. Really. Why, you ask? Well, allow me to elaborate on my remarkable intelligence.

I'm pretty sure I pulled my groin. I took off running through the house, for NO reason other than I felt like it. I immediately felt a burning pain in my groin and pulled up, limping the rest of the way to my bedroom. It now hurts even when I'm not moving my leg. I've pulled a muscle there before, and this pretty much feels like that. I sure hope Justin isn't expecting a grand send-off for his trip tomorrow...'cause it ain't happening the way I'm feeling right now!

I've decided not to go. I'd like to...but at the same time Justin has applied for a new, better position, an actual NASA job instead of just a contractor job, and many of the people who'll be making the decision will be at the conference next week. The last thing I want is for them to question his work ethics...they know that in addition to the conference and the presentations he has to give there, that he has projects going on here that he'll be having to monitor and keep up with. If I'm there, it might give the impression that he's being less than diligent...and this new job would change our lives so drastically...it'd be an extra $1000 a month before taxes...we could pay off our loan sooner...we could get him the new truck he so desperately needs...oh so many things, especially our house we want to build!

So I'm going to stay here and miss him and concentrate on the kids and hope that they and Mom will distract me from missing him too badly. I'm not sure why I'm freaking out at the thought of him going away for a week...he left for NY in April, after I got back from the hospital, and I was fine. Maybe its because our relationship has been so much better lately? Who knows...at any rate, I will miss him, and can't wait for next Friday so he'll be HOME.

My crotch hurts.

Bad week, so-so day...

2006-09-08T23:12:00.000-05:00

Whew...I'm so glad this week is officially over tomorrow. Its been a rough one! Where to begin?

I've been down all week...really really down. I missed my meds last Wednesday and last Friday, and while I took them Saturday and Sunday, Monday and Tuesday just kept getting worse. Wednesday I cut up my left arm again...and yesterday I cut up my left leg above the knee. Justin is understandably frustrated, and doesn't want to leave me next week but has to for work. He'll be gone all week...but my mom is staying with me...between her and the .9mm (which I'm an expert shot with) I'll be pretty safe.

Why do I cut myself? I don't like pain...when I realize what I'm doing I stop, but at the same time I have this morbid fascination with the blood. I like to see it welling up in drops and then coalescing into a solid red line. It makes me feel good when I see it. I just don't understand ME sometimes, and it worries me. I want people to like me...I AM a nice person...I just have a few problems with my own self-image.

Part of me wants to go with Justin next week very badly...and part of me wants to stay here. I don't know what to do. Mom will take care of getting me there...I'd ride the train most likely...but I think Justin really isn't crazy about me going either. Who knows?? I certainly don't. I want to go...but I don't want to piss Justin off. I think I could really use the relaxation...being in a fancy hotel with nowhere I have to be and no specific time I HAVE to get up would be lovely...I imagine I could sleep the day away and finally get caught up on my rest.

Maybe I'll get to go...it sure would be nice...

Today was busy...Mom and Dick came so we could go to Grandparents' Day at Bekah's school. Her little program was so adorable. Then we ate lunch with Justin at McDonald's (Bekah's choice) and did a smidgen of shopping at Walmart. Then back to the house for some rest, and then Mom and I cooked supper together (that was really nice). After supper we all went to the high school football game. Katie was singing the National Anthem tonight...it was so great...she had a great position on the field and we could hear her belting out the lyrics over the other kids.

I'm tired, going to TRY to get some sleep. Here's hoping anyway!

Hot pink robe and a dirt road!

2006-09-05T07:30:00.000-05:00

What a morning! I sat on the porch to watch the kids off this morning...usually I sit out there in my pajamas or night shirt because with the "roof" up no one can see me...this morning it was slightly nippy so I put my robe on. Thank goodness for small favors!

Katie came back in to get her jacket, and on her way back out she managed to lock the door. So I'm locked out, barefoot and wearing just a thin nightshirt and a fuzzy hot pink robe. I told Katie to ask the bus driver to stop at my FIL's (father-in-law) house and ask them to come let me in (they have a spare key). I saw them stop...and then I heard the bus honking and pull off, so I wasn't quite sure if she was successful at waking FIL or not. I waited and waited...then I found an old pair of Justin's shoes outside the door, and put them on and started walking up the dirt road. Halfway there (1/2 a mile) I saw FIL's truck pull out and come my way. I was slightly embarrassed so to cover it I flashed a little leg and stuck my thumb out. FIL didn't miss a beat and acted like he lost control of the truck from my leg flashing LOL.

Long story a little shorter...he had the spare key and I was able to get back inside. Thank you Lord. I must have been a sight though...I hadn't even brushed my hair yet so I had "bed head" on top of the fashion statement I was making. Thank goodness no cars came until AFTER I'd gotten into FIL's truck...

My bedroom is finished, furniture-wise. I still have to organize stuff...I piled boxes of clothes and junk in the bathroom where I'd HAVE to do something with it...so today I'm going to work on that. I'm rewarding myself with computer time because I earned it after the morning I had LOL. That and I didn't get online much at all yesterday and I worked all day on my room.

The laptop IS having a few glitches now...apparently the floppy and DVD drive are both shot :( Oh well, it could be much worse!!

CLUTTER!!!!!

2006-09-03T23:35:00.000-05:00

I'm still sick...thus the lack of a blog entry the past few days. I hate being sick. I really do. Yet I don't like to go to doctors too much. I can't seem to shake this infection this time though, so I guess I'll be going back to the family doctor on Tuesday (the only day he's in next week).

So I'm a clutterbug. I hate it, I really do...yet I can't stop COLLECTING stuff. Its gotten REALLY bad after my house burned in 1999. I lost a lot of things, and since then I get physically ill when I throw something away that I "might need" later. I'm talking vomiting and intense stomach pain here, not just a general feeling of malaise or anything.

So I've been trying to get motivated to do something about it, and my friend Lynnae said something that inspired me the other day. We were talking about something, and she mentioned rewards. I'd never thought about rewarding myself! I like to play Neopets...I like to post on my board...I like to chat...I like to play games...I like to do all sorts of things with the computer.

So I kept thinking about it and decided to do something about it. I took pictures of my room before we started last night, and I'll post them here later (I'll edit this post to do it). We weren't able to do anything today because Justin was at the hospital with his mom most of the day (hopefully she'll be fine...they hospitalized her with severe chest pains and shortness of breath and are running a bunch of tests). Last night we got the bed moved to where the dresser was, and today Justin brought in two shelving units for me to put books and my laptop and cables and things on. Tomorrow we should be able to get the rest of the room done...we're going to put the dresser in front of the bed, where the chest of drawers and desk are now...we're going to put the chest of drawers where the TV is now (in the corner by the bathroom door)...we're going to take out the desk completely and put the TV in that corner where the desk is. I'm going to put my sewing machine on the bottom shelf and just take it to the kitchen table when I want to sew (few and far between since I'm still learning how!).

Oh yeah...my laptop is ok!!! I left it "open" while I went to the bathroom, and I had a full glass of coke next to it. I came back in time to see Bekah knock the glass over into the laptop...FREAK OUT TIME. I grabbed the laptop, turned it upside down on the table, ran and got a towel, spread that on the floor and then put the laptop upside down (opened up) on the towel then cleaned up the rest of the mess. After I was sure it had pretty much dried out, I took it apart and cleaned the stickies with alcohol and q-tips. I was afraid to do too much too it. I took the battery out and made sure it was cleaned too, and then crossed my fingers and turned it on. It works!!! It seems to have no glitches at all...praise the Lord!

So anyway...hopefully tomorrow my clutter will be less. I have a chore chart that I've never done for more than a day or two at a time, but I'm thinking now that if I get my "chores" done each day, and get supper prepared or ready to be prepared, I'll be able to reward myself with playing on the computer or reading a chapter of a book, and keep myself motivated. I've been really depressed lately, and I'm ready to try anything, that's for SURE!

Thanks Lynnae :-)

I'm sick...

2006-08-31T02:50:00.000-05:00

and it sucks. Yesterday and today I've run fever, had a terrible sore throat, and feel like a truck ran over my head.

My wonderful, dear friend Tena was online at 2:20a.m. and suggested hot chocolate. My throat still hurts but the hot chocolate is soothing it somewhat and seems to have helped my earaches a little too.

Summer colds are the worst...

Mamaw...

2006-08-30T23:00:00.000-05:00

Mamaw has alzheimers. She's had it for years, and is pretty much nonresponsive most of the time now. We found out yesterday that she's had several strokes and is paralyzed on the left side also.

Vida Mae is her name. She turned 90 this past April, while I was in the hospital. She helped raise me, and has been the stable force in my life. I love this woman so much. She's petite...she could never claim to be taller than 5 feet. When I was younger she was plump and had a huge bosom that was perfect for resting your head against when you had a booboo and she'd cuddle you to make you feel better. She called it "petting". When I came home from the 90-91 Gulf War, I climbed up on the couch beside her, laid my head in her lap, and asked her to "pet" me. I was 21 years old lol.

Mamaw taught me how to sew doll dresses, how to crochet, how to cook cornbread when I was 5 years old, how to tell time with a paper clock she made for me, how to read, write, and do simple math, all before I started grade school. When I was sick with pneumonia in 4th grade and missed 52 days of school straight, she forced me to eat cornmeal mush (I'd been throwing up everything) and not only did it "stick" but it was good!! She encouraged my imagination in so many small ways. She had WONDERFUL ghost stories (that she swore were true, and we've never known her to lie), wonderful poems and songs to share with us. She taught me to spell Mississippi when I was 3 (M-I-crooked letter-crooked letter-I-crooked letter-crooked letter-I-humpback-humpback-I), Huckleberry Pie (H you huckle B you buckle Huckleberry Pie!). She never criticized me, but wouldn't hesitate to discipline me. I feared her sharp thumbnail in church, and her wire flyswatter at home!

She taught me to eat rice with butter and milk. Yes, milk...like a broth. Its good! She taught me to sprinkle sugar over freshly sliced strawberries and then cover them with milk for another tasty treat. She bought snowballs for me. She made dolls for me out of corn husks and silk to keep me out of her hair when she was shucking fresh corn from my Aunt Bertha's farm. She took me all over the south-central Mississippi countryside, showing me various "local landmarks", graveyards, haunted houses. We used to ramble for hours on end. She taught me how to find good bargains at garage sales (she called them "garbage sales").

When I was overseas in the first Gulf War, she baked a fruitcake for me and sent it to me, having to pay $22 for shipping because it was so heavy. It fermented on the way over because she doused it with wine to "preserve" it. I sold 1 inch squares for $5 a pop hehe. She wrote me funny, encouraging letters, and didn't laugh at my attempts at "comic strip" stories to show what I'd been up to each week. The comics were drawn with stick figures. Last year, when we moved Mamaw into Mom's house, I found all those old letters from 1990-91 tucked away in Mamaw's dresser drawer. She stayed up all night to help Mom drive to Ft. Bragg, NC to meet me when I got off the plane after 9 months overseas.

Mamaw never finished the 4th grade. She had to go home to help run the family farm. They were very poor. When she was in her 50's, she took classes and got her GED. She was constantly encouraging us to learn. No one ever knew that she'd never graduated or even attended high school because she always strove to learn and keep learning. I think I inherited my thirst for knowledge and love of history from her :-)

She got married at 17, and by the time she was in her early twenties, she'd had 5 children and buried 2 of them. All total she had 9...8 boys and one girl...my mother. I can't even imagine raising 9 children on a single income, but she did it. She made them all graduate from high school and even managed to get a couple through college. She was widowed before she was 40 and left with 4 children at home to care for, and had to find a job for the first time in her life. When she interviewed, she heard them tell another lady (who was 3 years younger than Mamaw) that she was really a little too old for the position. Mamaw walked in and quite brazenly told them she was 15 years younger than she was, and they believed her. She had such a love of life, such a jolly personality, that it was easy to believe she was much younger than she was. She got the job :-)

Mamaw, you'll never read this, but I love you and I miss you every day. God blessed me the day he allowed me to be your granddaughter.

Just rambling...

2006-08-28T10:33:00.000-05:00

I just didn't feel like posting this weekend. I didn't even post much at all on my board. I'm not sure if its the meds or what, but I just am not caring about much of anything right now. I do know that I forgot my meds Friday night, and yesterday was rough on me...it was just like starting my meds all over from the beginning again. The shaky vision, nausea, sleepiness, etc. I repeat, "They wonder why we go off our meds..."

AF showed up yesterday morning. Yay. I want to be happy but I'm wishing it was Friday already LOL. Cramping is ok, not as bad as in the past, but the migraine...oy. The migraine hurts.

I miss my dad. I alternate between missing him and hating him. I don't want to hate him...he's my DAD. At the same time, I can never forgive him. Dad is another story...a long one. Suffice it to say he's in prison and I don't know if I'll ever post why because theoretically it could jeopardize his safety. He'll be 62 this November. Wow. I do miss him. This sucks.

I may go back to work soon. Jason said my job was waiting for me...I feel like I'm ready to go back, although I've gotten spoiled somewhat from being able to stay home. I think Justin doesn't really want me to go back...he's gotten used to his breakfast each morning and having supper each night, and I think he thinks all that will stop once I go back to work. It might, but I'm hoping that I continue with this change that has happened to me since being in the hospital.

Another hurricane is coming into the Gulf. I'm sorry for FL, but grateful that Ernesto is going to hit them and not us. We are still recovering from Katrina...I don't know how much more my trailer can take...its been through several hurricanes since we got it in 2002, and two of them were significant storms. Katrina though...wow. I'm still amazed that my trailer made it through. We lost so many trees all around it, but the trailer made it. Amazing.

No title...not motivated enough!

2006-08-25T09:31:00.000-05:00

Another day today. Gee. What fun. I'm dragging so badly. It seems the last week or so of my posts have all been depressing. I need a pick-me-up I guess. Shoot, even Neopets is boring me LOL.

Mom is treating me to lunch today. I'm supposed to meet her in Purvis. I don't want to sound ingrateful, but I don't feel like driving. I'm wondering if she'll come here instead, but I don't want to put her out.

I dropped the ball this morning and didn't get up and cook breakfast. I did get up and fix the last 2 waffles, but Justin made the batter and the first 4 waffles. What a slug I am! True, I had trouble sleeping last night, but still, I should have gotten up when he first woke me instead of going back to sleep.

Ick. I'll write more later when I'm in a better mood. This is depressing me hehe.

UGH UGH UGH

2006-08-24T21:13:00.000-05:00

I'm swinging again. I'm sitting here in tears and its so stupid. What a day...what an anniversary!

We got to the church, and everyone was having fun, hanging out, waiting for their portrait proofs, etc., and all I could do was sit on a pew and feel miserable. I wasn't able to interact with anyone. I just felt completely alienated and I think I was probably downright rude to those who did try to talk to me.

The portraits went well...I didn't see the proofs but Justin said they were awesome. But...not only could we not afford an anniversary dinner, we couldn't afford any pictures either, and that just sucks. I mean, its not like its a big deal...we at least get one free (I think) and we should be able to order more later, but will we ever really have the money?

We have to make some sacrifices to pay our bills off...its a good thing really...in 2-3 years we'll be able to build that house without having to worry about an endless cc debt. That will make everything worth it. And we'll be able to buy Justin a new truck...my van will be paid off next year. I can't WAIT to buy something for Justin...he never gets anything new, unless you count socks and underwear, and who wants to only get socks and underwear? lol

I feel like I'm coming apart tonight. I did go ahead and take my meds, but I didn't want to at all. I'll be so glad when they regulate...I hate this hate this hate this!

Happy Anniversary!!!

2006-08-24T18:08:00.000-05:00

Justin and I have been married 6 years today. Time does fly. It seems like yesterday I was upset and crying over my life and prayed that God would send me a man who would love my children as if they were his, and would love Him and want to go to church with me. The VERY next day, Justin walked in at work and asked me out. It took almost 2 months for me to agree to go out with him, since we both worked for the same company. Our courtship was shorter than our engagement...he proposed, on bended knee, in a suit, on the beach (my dream) 3 weeks to the day after our first "date". It took two dates for me to hug him, and three dates for a kiss LOL. We were engaged for four months...an eternity compared to our courtship...

We have no money to go out, which is fine...we're getting out of debt and have to make sacrifices. So I've been saving some pork chops for this occasion...he LOVES my baked chops. I thawed them out, and when I was rinsing them, the smell hit me. They'd somehow gone bad in the freezer. Great. So now we're all eating a variety of leftovers for our "big" anniversary dinner. This is my life.

We're having family portraits done this evening at church, for our church directory. Its very cool that they're doing a new directory so soon after we joined the church...I've never been in a church directory :) If they'll let us order later, or give them a post-dated check, then we'll buy a couple for us. I wish we could afford a nice package, but its Olan Mills, so it'll be expensive probably.

I can't seem to get enough sleep the past couple days. I went ages without sleep, and now I'm sleeping TOO much. The meds maybe? I did go to bed late last night, around 12:30 a.m., but the night before that I was in bed before midnight, and the night before that I was asleep by 10:00 p.m. Yesterday and today I went back to bed after getting Justin and the kids off, although this morning I logged in for an hour first. Yesterday I didn't get up until after 1:00 p.m., and this morning it was 11:45 when I dragged myself (unwillingly) out of bed and got a shower. I would easily sleep all day I think...and I'm sitting here yawning right now and feel just bone tired. I think, weather permitting tomorrow, I'm going to go to the park and walk the track. Its a 1/4 mile track, and every so often, there are workout stations, with various equipment (outdoor equipment). I'm feeling much better from the surgeries, so I think it will do me good, and hopefully will get rid of this lethargy. I haven't walked in days because of the weather...and I think I really need to get back to it.

OK enough of a novel for now. I'm going to finish my leftover red beans and rice (leftover of choice for Bekah and me), guzzle the rest of my Coke (the spices apparently have fermented because these beans are HOTTER than I remember!) and go get ready for portraits. We have to be there at 8:10 tonight. I didn't want to go that late but had no choice since the earlier spots were taken.

Another rough day, but there's light at the end of the tunnel!

2006-08-23T18:24:00.000-05:00

Whew what a day. Its been another rough one, but a friend IM'd me out of the blue and cheered me up (thanks Tena) :)

I've been a bad influence too...I talked another friend into journalling for the first time (maniacal laughter). Once you're hooked...you're hooked for life hehe.

Katie is sick today...she's rather green looking and says her tummy hurts. I've given her some Pepto and she's laying on the couch now, watching TV with me. The show of choice? Bridezillas. I love this show...I never had a traditional wedding, so I love watching brides turning into monsters over small details...

Thunderstorms again today...that's every single day now since the last week of June. How weird is that? Usually July and August are dry dry dry here in south MS.

My meds are doing weird things to me...my vision is all messed up...really "jerky" and hard to focus on anything. I also feel like I'm shaking to pieces all the time. And they wonder why we quit our meds...sheesh.

I'll post more later...I'm just really not feeling right today...

Another rough day :(

2006-08-22T20:24:00.000-05:00

Ugh. I haven't posted in ages. I haven't felt like much of anything. I started my bipolar meds and its been up and down. Today has been rough. This afternoon I was browning ground beef for supper and a spice jar fell off the back of the stove and made a loud racket, and I lost it...just started screaming. I had to go outside and sit on the (very damp) porch until I calmed down enough to go back in and face the kids. The last thing I wanted to do was scare them or hurt them, so I just removed myself from the situation. It still scares me how I can be totally fine one minute, a raving lunatic the next, and fine five minutes after that.

AF is late too. I was supposed to get it last Tuesday, so I'm officially a week late today. I tested twice, once Friday night and once Sunday, and both were negative, so I figure its just stress, but just in case I'm going to get checked out. Just a little background...since 2001 I've been irregular at best, and had AF totally nonexistant for two years. After the liver resection, I still didn't get it back, but finally in May it reappeared, and was on time 3 times in a row. So to miss it now is suspect. I'm praying the cancer hasn't come back...the surgeon told us in July to prepare ourselves because it would come back.

I haven't talked about my cancer here...I just haven't felt led to yet. Of course, I haven't talked about much really...and its not like anyone will read it anyway...it just makes me feel better to get it out there.

I'm very scared most of the time now. I still can't sleep well, although I am getting a little more since going back on my meds. I'm having a lot of chest pain too...went to see a cardiologist at Dr. Long's urging yesterday. The only reason I went was because Dr. Long urged me to get checked out when he felt the mass in my chest, and in less than 3 weeks I was under the knife with a cancerous tumor. Joy.

Please Lord, don't let the cancer come back...at least not right now. I've been pretty strong this year, all things considering, and I feel like I will literally fracture into pieces if I get thrown another curve health-wise. I'm just trying to hold it all together.

Insurance sucks!!!

2006-08-16T00:01:00.000-05:00

Ok well it doesn't suck...my $400,000 hospital bill from March was paid all but about $2300, so insurance companies DO have their uses. However, I'm in desperate need of my bipolar meds...I got my family doc to prescribe them for me a week ago today, and we've been fighting with the insurance company to get them filled ever since. They want us to do mail order...i didn't have a large enough prescription for mail order...so had to get the doctor's office involved...finally got it all worked out today and the insurance company says I'm not in their computer! They filled these meds for me last year!! GAH. So it'll take at LEAST two weeks before I get my meds.

Thank the Lord I found enough from last year to fill in until then, but man, if I hadn't been able to find them...I've REALLY wanted to cut myself a lot lately.

I've had a lot of bad thoughts lately. Its getting harder and harder to deal with things again...maybe because of the cancer and almost dying a few times back in March and April? Maybe now its finally starting to hit home? I don't know...I had a REALLY positive attitude back then...its how I pulled through, that and God's grace. If we can pull our heads above water, I want to go back to counselling. I really miss it. I've felt often lately that I need to go back into Pine Grove...but man I REALLY don't want to go back there!!!

Anyway...I haven't slept in a couple nights...going to try to get some rest since I have to go to the heart specialist tomorrow (will it never end?). I guess I'll post a health-related post one of these days when I feel like whining lol.

Sleepless night and a bad day...

2006-08-12T12:39:00.000-05:00

Another sleepless night last night. Yeah, I played Neopets a lot, but only because I couldn't sleep. I moved the laptop into the living room and determined not to put it back in the bedroom...I did that Tuesday I think it was. It didn't help much, but at least when I went to bed I wasn't tempted to reach out for the laptop when I couldn't sleep, and I did eventually fall asleep around 5 a.m. this morning. It being Saturday, the kids kept waking me up, although they tried not to.

Jared and Katie started back to school Wednesday. I really got blue over that. For the past two weeks, they've been at each other's throats...I couldn't WAIT for school to start, and of course now I'm missing them terribly. I went to the doctor Tuesday because I hadn't slept more than maybe 6 hours total in the past 3 weeks. He prescribed my bipolar meds for me again, but the stupid insurance company is saying we HAVE to do them mail order, 90-day supply at a time. Well, he started me on a LOW dose until I get used to them again, and so he only prescribed a 30-day supply. He won't change it, and the insurance company is still fighting us. UGH. I don't blame the doctor, he KNOWS what he's doing. But I've been off these meds since Katrina hit and I ran out and couldn't get a new prescription. I didn't go back on them sooner because of the issues I've had with my liver this year (that'll be another post too!!!).

I want to cut myself again, but so far I've managed to stay out of the kitchen. I don't remember actually cutting myself, but I do know the signs...like I think about it when I see a knife...I almost couldn't use a knife to cut my sandwiches just now. The only reason I was able to was because I waited until Justin came into the kitchen. As it is, I had to get him to cut up my roast beef for me. I really need to be back on my meds.

Watching Playhouse Disney probably isn't helping me lol. Bekah has control of the TV this morning...DoodleBops is on...she hated it when they first put it on a couple years ago, but now that she's almost 4 she loves it. I'll never understand a pre-schooler's tastes...

Neomania (new addiction to Neopets!)

2006-08-06T16:25:00.000-05:00

A couple weeks ago, a friend either did me a huge favor or a gross disservice...she introduced me to Neopets. Since then, I'm on that website pretty much the entire time I'm online. Its not a HUGE amount of fun, so I'm not really sure why I'm so hooked. I mean, I can only register scores on my favorite games 3 times a day...my fingers cramp up from playing the games on a laptop keyboard...I don't shut the laptop down when I should (i.e. for BED) and so I'm losing even less sleep than normal.

Have you played Neopets? Depending on how you view your online time, you may or may not want to explore this option lol. If you do decide to try it out, feel free to use this link: http://www.neopets.com/refer.phtml?username=xanthgyrl . You don't have to of course, but if you do I get a small reward of neopoints (the currency used on the Neopets site) or, once I have a certain number of referrals, an item or benefit (such as a level gain for my pets).

I'd advise only starting out with one pet...until you really familiarize yourself with the site, it can be hard to take care of more than that. Yes, you have to feed and play with your pet.

Some of my favorite games to play are Cheat, Attack of the Revenge, Scarab 21, Deckswabber, Destruct-O-Match II, Igloo Garage Sale - the Game, Pterattack, Snowball Fight, Sutek's Tomb, among many others :)

Give it a try...its free, its fun, its family-friendly. Even my almost-4-year-old has a pet on her own account. Of course, I do the "work" but she tells me what to do :lol My oldest and I regularly play together, which makes for good family bonding time.

Man, this reads like a paid advertisement or something. Truth be known, I just didn't have anything really worth talking about today and realized I hadn't posted anything since my first post on Friday lol.

My first Blog...ever!

2006-08-04T20:58:00.000-05:00

This is my first ever blog, so its probably going to totally suck :) However, I'm not trying to entertain, amuse, or wax poetic. I've kept journals for years, as a form of therapy, and after being hospitalized last year and again this year (different reasons) my outlook on life has changed somewhat. I've also come to realize lately that while I don't particularly find anything about myself even vaguely redeeming, I've actually been able to help others by sharing my experiences, emotions, mistakes...everything that I've come to hate about myself. Thus the public forum. I doubt this will even be read by anyone, as I don't plan to give out the url, but just in case, well...its here.

My name is Kandy. Don't try to be cute or original; believe me, I've heard ALL of the jokes you could possibly come up with. My standard answer, developed by the time I was 15 or so: "Yes, I'm sweet; no, I don't know what kind of candy I am; and no, you may not have a piece!!"

I always wanted to be in a large family. Growing up, while I had plenty of cousins, at home it was just my brother and me. My dad had a brother and a sister who lived...and a brother who died at age 11, and a sister who was stillborn. My mother was the only girl in a family of 9 children, two of whom died in childhood. So while I was surrounded by cousins, I always felt something was missing at home (a happy family maybe?).

Anyway, not sure what I want to write about today. I'm tempted to pour out my life's story, such as it is, just to fill up space :) However, I know that there will be days when I need to talk about one memory or another, so I'll save those ramblings for later ;)

Lets just say that I have a disease...I'm bipolar, I have a mild case of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and I'm paranoid. I pretty much despise myself on a regular basis. However, lately I've realized that while I always knew there were other people out there "like me"...I've been able to help some of them by sharing my experiences, my pain, my mistakes, and by just listening and not judging.

So...here's my blog. I'll still have my journal for really private ramblings, but maybe over time I'll share more here. I'd like to feel good about myself again...and right now I just feel like a scarred up crazy person most of the time...tonight is a low night, I'm home completely alone, sitting in the dark with only the illumination of my laptop and my tv. Bad news...I know better...but I need to feel this way right now...I need to feel even just a little better about myself, and writing always makes me feel a little better...like I've shared with someone, even if its only myself. Maybe I'm a little schizo in there too??

I've made a lot of mistakes...more than I want to think about. I've hurt a lot of people in the process. I've always known when I made mistakes...shortly afterwards, but not soon enough to keep from making them. Sometimes I just can't help but do something without thinking about it. You'd think I'd have learned by now. Maybe I have...I'm struggling daily to be a better person, and I hope I'm succeeding.

I'm not a bad person...I'm even a nice person...I'd do anything I could for anyone...my problem is that I don't think things through often enough.

Anyway, I'm going to stop here for the night...I'm feeling pretty low and I'll save the rest of my worries for another day. Heck, maybe when I post tomorrow I'll have a smile instead of a sorrow :)